Aly's Fight

by Aly Taylor

  I’d also encourage you to marry this specific need-meeting with what I call the front porch concept. When I was going through chemo and radiation and recovering from surgery, I didn’t want to see anyone. I felt terrible and usually didn’t feel like painting a smile on my face for someone. That’s when I realized how much I appreciated the people who just dropped off stuff at my front door. A friend would get a few things at the store for me, put them on my porch, and leave without ringing the bell. I can’t tell you how loved I felt when I got a text that said something like, “Hey, Aly! I just dropped off a bag of groceries for you. They’re on your porch right now. Love you!” It seems so simple, but it’s an amazing expression of love not only to take care of someone’s needs but to also be so thoughtful.

  Don’t just ask people what you can do for them; find out what you can do for them. Identify the specific things they need help with and try to make a huge impact in one particular area. That’s the kind of help that really makes a life-changing difference to someone in need.

  GIVE MONEY AND RESOURCES

  —JOSH—

  We’ve told you how our friends and community came around us to help meet our specific needs, but I want to be super clear on this: there is no possible way we would have survived financially if it were not for the generosity of others during our fight with cancer, infertility, and adoption. We would have had to move in with our parents just to try to stay afloat. Before Aly’s cancer diagnosis, I had recently left my coaching job, and it was now clear to me why God put that surprising call on my heart: He freed up more of my time to spend with Aly during those years of treatment and surgery. That meant, though, that we had lost a big part of our income.

  On top of that, I took off a ton of time from my other job at the school to be with Aly as much as possible for all her appointments and recovery. Thankfully, insurance covered most of Aly’s medical bills, but there was still a surprising amount of out-of-pocket expenses for different tests and medicines during cancer and infertility. And then there was all the travel. We were on the road all the time driving to and from Houston and then back and forth to Jackson, Mississippi during Aly’s fertility treatments. I’ve already said that I have some anxiety around finances, so believe me when I say my “provider” nerve was twitching quite often.

  I can’t count how many times, though, that money would appear out of nowhere. One time, for example, Aly had to have a breast cancer genetic test that cost $2,500, and we were devastated to learn our insurance wouldn’t cover it. The next day we received a check in the mail for that exact amount from a friend. He didn’t know anything about the genetic test; he was just being generous and faithful to God’s call to give. We know it was really God who put those checks in our mailbox right when we needed them, but He did that through generous people. We even had an incredibly dear and generous friend give us money each week for five years. Five years! We felt so undeserving and asked her to stop. She was adamant that God had put this on her heart and would keep on giving until He moved her heart towards another need. We could never thank all of them enough for supporting us financially during the darkest days of our life.

  —ALY—

  People blew us away with their generosity. People helped us in many ways, financially and otherwise. Someone once paid for our rental cars while traveling, another friend gave us a gas card to use for traveling to and from Houston for each treatment, my mom let us use her car to drive to Houston and offered to be with me 24-7 if need be, my mother-in-law made and delivered to me a fresh smoothie or juice every morning, people went out of their way to make cancer-fighting foods for me, and people sent us grocery gift cards. Some friends even personally flew us to one of my treatments in a private plane!

  Amazing things happen when people open their hearts and wallets and try to find the specific things you really need. There were many times that our friends noticed a need that we hadn’t even considered yet. What a blessing to have a need met before it ever became an issue for us. The outpouring of love and support we received over those years has encouraged us to dig deep into how we can really serve someone who needs help. We don’t settle for, “I’ll let you know if I think of anything.” Instead, we get involved and try to find a specific thing to do for someone or buy for them.

  BE A GATEKEEPER

  —JOSH—

  When Aly was going through her treatments and word spread that she had cancer, we found that people started crawling out of the woodwork to tell us their cancer stories. Some of them were good, encouraging accounts of how God healed them or their loved ones. Others, though, were crazy nightmare stories about the absolute worst things you can imagine. So many people came up to us and told us their cancer horror stories that I quickly nominated myself to be Aly’s gatekeeper. Remember, we didn’t even want the doctors sharing unnecessary statistics with us, and we had sworn off reading scary stories on the internet; we certainly didn’t want to hear a hopeless stranger speculate on the worst things that might happen.

  I got pretty good at sniffing out the people who wanted to tell Aly about their aunt who passed away from breast cancer or a cousin who had a bad surgery experience. When we were going through fertility treatments, many times people would come up to Aly to share about a miscarriage or stillbirth. Then, it seemed to be even worse when we made the decision to adopt. I could point people out who were determined to tell me the struggles they were having with children they adopted and the “issues” we might face. I by no means am saying that their concerns were not valid or pure, but there were times where hearing that discouraging information just wasn’t helpful. Whenever I saw them coming, I jumped in and derailed the conversation or flat-out blocked them from getting to my wife. Sometimes that meant they had to tell me the story. As much as I didn’t want to hear about their negative experiences, I definitely didn’t want Aly to have to listen to them. So if you’re close to someone facing cancer, infertility, adoption, or a miracle pregnancy that could lend its way to fear, volunteer to be that person’s gatekeeper. If you’re the patient’s spouse, good news: it’s already your job!

  And now a word for the rest of you: Please think before you speak. I don’t want to be harsh, but it’s never appropriate to tell a cancer patient the dark details of your long lost loved one who died from cancer. It rarely helps to tell someone who is fighting infertility about recurrent miscarriages. It never helps to tell someone considering adoption of all the horror stories. I know it hurts and you might feel a special connection to someone who’s fighting the same battle you’ve been through, but many times, your story will do them more harm than good. Now, there is a time and place to share stories in order to help us process and move forward emotionally, but these stories are best for a group or therapy environment. When someone is fighting for her life or trying to create a life, she needs to hear positive, affirming, life-giving stories. She doesn’t need you speaking death or negativity into her life.

  And if I may be so bold, she also doesn’t need you questioning her medical decisions. This one surprised and hurt Aly and me. We carefully considered and thoroughly prayed over her cancer treatment and fertility options. It was often agonizing trying to figure out which doctor’s opinion to go with and which option would work best. Then, when we made those hard decisions, we were shocked to have people question everything we were doing or try to change our minds. We chose early on to listen to only positive voices and to cut out those who spoke death or second-guessed all our treatment plans.

  If you truly want to be a source of hope for someone going through cancer, infertility, or adoption, take a good look at what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. Oftentimes it’s better just to keep quiet. And simply offering to pray together may be the biggest blessing you can give over sharing a story or an opinion.

  BECOMING A HEALTHY FOODIE

  —ALY—

  When I was initially diagnosed with cancer, I became strangely preoccupied with food. Okay, the truth is obsessed is probably
a more accurate description—but not in the way you might think. I was scared to eat anything. I knew I had cancer growing in my body, and I didn’t know what might make the cancer better or worse. As a result, I didn’t eat much of anything for a while. I started reading and researching everything I could find on diet and cancer-fighting foods. There was so much I couldn’t do in the healing process, so I was determined to control as much of it as I could. So I studied. And studied. And studied and studied and studied. I felt like I couldn’t eat anything until I had it all figured out.

  One night Josh and I were in his old bedroom at his parents’ house when his mom knocked on the door. Through tears, she told me she wanted to help me with my diet. She said she’d start researching and helping me with anything related to food. I hugged and thanked her, and she left the room. As soon as the door closed, I buried my face in a pillow and burst into tears. That was the first time I really understood how much of a monster I’d turned the food issue into. But now I had a partner, someone who had seen this specific need and volunteered to help with it. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to get help with this.

  Changing my diet was a huge shift from what I ate pre-cancer. It was not as though all I ate was junk food; however, living in the South, we value good southern cooking, and I love all the good foods—pasta, pizza, Mexican, ice cream, sweets… all the healthy foods, of course. Before cancer, I always associated being “healthy” with my weight. Any time I would attempt to eat healthy it was always a motivation to lose weight. It was never really about filling my body with foods that would make me strong. So this undertaking of changing my diet was literally a 180 degree turnaround!

  I do believe that God gave us so many natural things to keep us healthy and strong. I know He desires for me to be healthy—He designed my body as His temple, and I am committed to taking care of it. 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 tells us, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” This mind-set for my body has been one of the biggest lifestyle changes for me. One that has affected my husband and a lifestyle that I hope and pray to raise our children up in. I desire for them to live long, healthy lives as well!

  What I am sharing with you is not an “anti-cancer” diet or even foods that can cure cancer, but simply diet choices that I’ve made to help me get and stay as healthy as possible. I have dreams one day of writing a cookbook!

  Basic Restrictions

  • Little to no bread. If I ever eat bread, I will do whole wheat or whole wheat tortillas.

  • Little to no sugar. I try to stay away from sugar totally, outside of fruits and other foods with naturally occurring sugar.

  • No cream or dairy products. I do eat eggs and drink unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

  • No red meat, except for venison (deer meat), as it is very lean. As deer meat may not be for everyone, turkey is another great alternative to beef.

  • I try to stay away from all processed food. If I do eat something processed, I try to eat organically.

  Foods That Fill

  • Oatmeal

  • Organic cereals with little sugar

  • Eggs, fish, chicken, or venison

  • Veggies and fruits

  • Brown rice

  • Unsweetened vanilla almond milk

  • Fresh juices

  • Nuts (mainly almonds and walnuts)

  • Sweet potatoes

  • Raisins

  • Lots of salad greens

  • Avocado

  • Black beans

  • KIND bars or Lärabars

  • Almond butter

  • Unsweetened coconut milk

  • Olive oil

  • Honey and stevia for sweeteners

  I’ve read blogs that say that eating healthy is just as costly as eating unhealthy, and I just haven’t found that to be the case. It is so much more expensive, at least for us. Our grocery bill has nearly tripled each month since my diet changes. It is just one of the many sacrifices we make, and I have to see it as an investment. Being as frugal as we are, it is painful at times to see that money going to food and a gym membership! But I have to remind myself that it is an investment in my family’s health and, ultimately, our lives.

  BEWARE OF (SOME) BOOKS

  Books are often the go-to gift when you don’t know what to give someone who’s just received bad news or is heading into a scary time of life. But be super careful here. I’ll be the first to admit that I love research. It’s hard to complete a PhD without fostering a healthy love of books!

  As you know from reading the introduction to this book, one of our motivations for writing this book was the lack of hopeful books written by young girls like me with my type of breast cancer. For the most part, I received some incredible, inspirational books on healing. But then, there were a few books given to me that were amazing stories about a life well lived during cancer, but sadly that person fighting ended up passing away. It wasn’t what I needed to read when I was praying, trusting, and believing I would live.

  Instead, I chose to surround myself with books on healing. I wanted to read stories of real people with grim diagnoses who were alive today. It’s surprising how few of those books are out there. That’s honestly a big reason Josh and I decided to write this book. We want to show people that miracles happen, that healing is real, and that there are plenty of cancer survivors in the world. I’m honored to lend my voice to that incredible group of heroes, and I wish more survivors would raise their hands, tell their stories, and (even better) write more books.

  The same caution applies when buying a book about infertility. Instead of all the statistics, find stories of those who overcame odds and became pregnant. Be careful when buying adoption books too. Instead of buying books on struggles that parents and children can sometimes go through when they experience adoption, buy the books that show the beauty of adoption and the incredible parallel it is for how God has adopted us. He literally sees us and Jesus the same. We are both His children—how incredible is that?

  Chances are, people don’t need you to add more ideas to their research pile. Instead, choose life-giving, hopeful stories about people who survived. You could also give them a book on healing, a Bible, or a devotional. The word cancer, infertility, or adoption doesn’t even have to be on the cover!

  RECOMMENDED BOOKS, BLOGS, SOCIAL MEDIA, AND WEBSITES

  Books and blogs near and dear to my heart during our battles include:

  • Healed of Cancer by Dodie Osteen

  • Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake

  • Unceasinglove.com

  • Faithfuladoptionconsultants.com

  • Christianadoptionconsultants.com

  BE THERE CONSISTENTLY

  —JOSH—

  Perhaps the most important piece of advice I can give you as you seek to serve and love your hurting friends is to be there consistently. Every gift is meaningful, and we will always be grateful for every gift, card, prayer, and act of service anyone sent our way. There are a handful of people who walked with us each day and became a constant, steady source of encouragement and support for us.

  The most astounding thing anyone did for us throughout Aly’s whole cancer journey was the simplest thing in the world: someone sent Aly cards. That doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but a lovely woman named Jody mailed Aly a card every day for an entire year. Can you imagine what it was like for my wife to walk to the mailbox each day to find a card from Jody? It wasn’t much; she simply wrote a scripture on the card and told Aly that she prayed that scripture over her that day. That’s the kind of thing most people would do once or twice, but this wonderful woman of God did it every day. What an encouragement! What an incredible act of love to show that kind of ongoing commitment and partnership.

  The really cool thing about this is that Jody wasn’t one of our close friends. When she started sending ca
rds, I’d say Jody was an acquaintance at best. She’s been part of our community for a few years, but we never dreamed God would work through her to make such a profound impact on Aly’s life during her recovery. Today, all these years later, we have every scripture this lady sent us framed and hanging on the wall of our home as a reminder to care for others and that God’s Word never fails.

  If you really want to make a difference in someone’s toughest times, be there consistently. Stand in the trenches with that person every day. Even if it’s just a daily prayer, a text, a phone call, a Facebook post, or whatever else you choose, find some way to make an ongoing impact on a struggling person’s life. Make sure that person knows you’re not just going to be there once, but always.

  BE THERE IN THE AFTERMATH

  —ALY—

  This chapter has covered many specific ways the people around us loved and served us during our fight with cancer, infertility, and adoption, but I think the most important and most helpful thing to us was that people kept giving and doing this for us after the so-called “battle” was won. I was so naïve before I went through cancer. I thought that once people became cancer-free, their lives were great and they no longer needed all the support they’d received during their sickest days. Wow, was I wrong. I needed more support after cancer than I did during! And this was true with infertility and adoption too.

  I’m not so naïve about this stuff anymore. Now I know the aftermath of cancer, infertility, and adoption is real, and I maintain my support of others long after their chemo and radiation are done. I maintain support for those who are still trying to grow their families. I maintain support for those who have walked the miraculous road of adoption. It’s hard to understand, but there is a certain burden to being cancer-free, and we often needed others to help us carry that load. As the Bible says, we should “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way [we] will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). So my final encouragement to you my friends, as a “burden bearer,” is to stick with people long after the treatments and surgeries are done. Help them readjust to their new lives as cancer survivors. Be there to celebrate their two-year, five-year, sixty-year cancer-free milestones. Stick with the person who continues to cry after each negative pregnancy test. Stick with the person who still mourns a miscarriage or stillbirth. Stick with the person who goes through the adoption process and needs love, prayers, and support. All of my difficult life experiences have shown me in vivid color who my true friends and family members are, and our relationships—and my life—will always be richer for it.