Such Great Heights

by Sydney Logan

  “Livia, what’s wrong?”

  Ryder’s voice brings me back to the present and calms my racing heart. Blinking rapidly, I focus on the long string of cheese dangling from his lips. With a grin, I reach for a napkin.

  “Nothing’s wrong, buddy.”

  With a saucy smile, Ryder lets me wipe his mouth.

  “Stop worrying,” Jackson says.

  “What makes you think I’m worrying?”

  Jackson chuckles and leans closer, sliding his fingertip along my forehead. “You get this little crease, right here. That’s how I know.”

  “You’re very observant, Mr. Healey.”

  “What can I say? I like looking at you.”

  Jackson’s eyes flicker to my lips, but I gently shake my head. I meant what I said. No real kisses until his divorce is final. For now, forehead kisses and temple kisses and cheek kisses were just going to have to be enough.

  Jackson respects my wishes and tenderly kisses my cheek.

  Ryder groans. “You kiss her all the time. How come?”

  I give Jackson a pointed glare. Told you we should be more discreet with our super innocent and totally unfulfilling kisses.

  Jackson grins.

  “Kissing is fun,” he says. “You’ll understand one day.”

  “You didn’t kiss Mommy.”

  I fix my gaze on my uneaten slice of pizza.

  “No,” Jackson says quietly. “I guess I didn’t.”

  “How come?”

  I glance at Jackson. Your child has just given you an opening. You need to take it.

  “Ryder,” he says, “I’d like to talk to you about me and your mom. Why don’t we go for a walk?”

  “What about the ducks?”

  “I promise we’ll feed the ducks after we talk. Okay?”

  “Okay.” Ryder smiles and climbs down from the bench, totally oblivious to what’s coming. He runs out of the gazebo and waits for his dad on the sidewalk.

  It breaks my heart. Will he understand? Will he hate us?

  Will he hate me?

  “You guys go ahead,” I offer, wanting to give them some time alone. This is a personal conversation between a father and his son. “I’ll catch up later.”

  “Come with us,” Jackson coaxes softly.

  “I really shouldn’t. This is private.”

  “This involves you, too, Olivia.”

  “It doesn’t. It shouldn’t.”

  Jackson’s face falls, and I know instantly that he’s misunderstood.

  “Jackson, I didn’t mean—”

  “You don’t think this concerns you?”

  “I don’t want him thinking I’m the reason you’re divorcing his mother.”

  Jackson shakes his head. “You’re not the reason.”

  “I know. But will Ryder understand that?”

  “I’ll make him understand.”

  “Good. Go talk to your son. Make him understand. Then I’ll catch up.”

  Jackson reaches for my hand. “I . . . don’t know that I can do this without you.”

  “Of course you can. And you’re not without me. I’m right here.”

  He closes his eyes in quiet resignation. When he opens them again, I offer him a soft, encouraging smile.

  “I’m right here.”

  Taking a deep breath, he nods and kisses my forehead.

  “Stay where I can see you?” he asks. “I know it’s ridiculous, but . . . you make me stronger. Just knowing you’re here.”

  My heart melts.

  “You make me stronger, too. Now go be strong for Ryder.”

  My eyes fill with tears as he walks toward his son. They join hands, and I watch the two of them as they walk toward the shimmering lake.

  I’m a masterful public speaker. I charm judges with my well-crafted opening arguments, and I bring juries to tears with my emotional closing arguments.

  But today, when faced with my five-year-old, I’m speechless.

  We’ve been walking for about ten minutes. Ryder happily skips along and swings my hand back and forth, totally oblivious to my inner turmoil. In his other hand, he holds the sacred bag of breadcrumbs.

  It’s such a beautiful day. Do I really want to ruin it? Can’t I just enjoy the afternoon with my son and the woman I love?

  After another five minutes of silence, my kid’s patience finally snaps.

  “Daddy, are we done talking? I think the ducks are starving.”

  I chuckle and gaze at the water. “They do look hungry. Let’s sit and watch them play. Then we’ll feed them lunch.”

  The two of us find a spot on the grass and watch as the mother and her ducklings jump in and out of the water.

  I take a deep breath. “Ryder, I want to talk to you about your mom.”

  “She came to visit me.”

  “I know. I’m so glad, son.”

  “She’ll be back, right?”

  “She’s supposed to visit every Wednesday.”

  “What’s today?”

  “Saturday.”

  I can see the wheels turning, so I take his hand and count the days of the week on his little fingers.

  “Four days,” he says.

  “Right.”

  I don’t say that it’s up to his mother to keep that appointment. We’re keeping it simple today.

  “She’s different now.”

  “Who? Your mom?”

  He nods. “She plays with me now.”

  Yes, that’s new territory for Natasha. I’m not surprised this made an impression on him. But there are other changes, too. Changes that are too subtle for a child to notice. She’s cooperative . . . so cooperative that it makes me suspicious. I don’t know if Natasha has really changed or if her new attorney has coached her well.

  But that’s a worry for another day.

  “Ryder, I want to tell you something. Mommy can visit, but she won’t be living with us anymore.”

  Obviously. I mean, she hasn’t lived with us in months. But I wanted to start with the easy stuff.

  “That’s what Dr. Jane said. Mommy will visit but she won’t stay.”

  “Right. And that’s because Mommy and Daddy won’t be married anymore.”

  “Why not?”

  Such a simple question. Too bad the answer is complicated.

  “Grown-ups do that sometimes. They love each other for a while, and then sometimes they . . . fall out of love. So they stop being married. It’s called a divorce.”

  I shake my head. I’m not explaining this right at all.

  “You don’t love Mommy?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Does Mommy love you?”

  “No.”

  “You don’t love Mommy, and Mommy doesn’t love you.”

  “Right.”

  He stares out at the lake. My heart races because I know I’m screwing this up.

  “But Mommy and I love you very much. That will never change.”

  “But you said grown-ups do that sometimes. They stop loving.”

  “They stop loving each other. They don’t stop loving their kids.”

  “Never ever?”

  “Never ever.”

  “So you won’t have a wife.”

  I haven’t had a wife in years, but for my son’s sake, I simply nod.

  “That’s right.”

  His face grows thoughtful.

  “Will ‘Livia be your wife now?”

  I glance back at the picnic table where she’s waiting for us. My son has no idea how much I dream about that very thing happening. I know it’s too soon. That a thousand things have to happen before we get to that point.

  But I want to get there. Someday.

  “You really love Olivia, don’t you?”

  Ryder nods. “You do, too.”

  I don’t deny it. Why bother? I’m apparently terrible at hiding my feelings for the woman.

  “Yeah, but that’s a secret, okay?”

  “Why?”

  “Because . . . I’m not ready to t
ell her yet.”

  “I can’t keep secrets from ‘Livia.”

  I grin. “Could you try? This is a good secret. I want to surprise her.”

  “So it’s a good surprise?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can we have a surprise party?”

  “Absolutely.” I’ll agree to anything at this point.

  “Okay. But tell her soon.”

  “I will.”

  We grow quiet as we watch the ducks waddle out of the water and onto the grass.

  “They look really hungry, Dad.”

  I laugh so loudly that the ducks quack in unison. Ryder giggles, his eyes glowing with excitement.

  Man, I love my kid. I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted. I’d buried myself in my work, when I should’ve been home, taking care of my son.

  But I can’t keep looking back. All I can do is fix it and move forward.

  “Before we feed the ducks, do you have any questions about me and your mommy?”

  “Mommy won’t live with us anymore. You don’t love Mommy, and Mommy doesn’t love you, but you love me.”

  “That’s right.”

  “And you won’t be married anymore.”

  I nod.

  “But she can visit me.”

  “Right.”

  “And Olivia’s going to be your new wife, but we can’t tell her because it’s a secret.”

  “That’s . . . not exactly what I said.”

  “And you love her. But we can’t tell her that, either.”

  Just agree, Healey.

  “Right. It’s all a big secret.” Satisfied and ready to talk about anything else, I hand him the breadcrumbs. “Feed the ducks, son.”

  His tiny fingers eagerly reach into the bag, and I watch happily as he tosses the crumbs toward the ducks. After a few minutes, I look toward the picnic table, but Olivia’s already on her way, looking gorgeous as the sunlight shimmers against her hair.

  “How are we doing?” she asks, joining us on the grass.

  “We’re good.”

  Her face flickers with relief as I wrap my arm around her.

  “The ducks are really hungry!” Ryder shouts. “And we have a secret!”

  I smirk. Way to go, son.

  “A secret? Do I get to hear?”

  Ryder shoots me a glare. “Daddy says not yet.”

  “Daddy does, huh?”

  I nuzzle her hair.

  “It’s a surprise. But it’s a good one!” Ryder laughs happily as he tosses the last of the bread. “All gone. Can I go slide now?”

  Olivia and I laugh. My kid has the attention span of a gnat.

  “Yes, you can go slide. But stay close.”

  The two of us remain on the grass as we watch Ryder climb the slide.

  “I guess it went well?” she asks softly.

  “Better than I could have hoped.”

  “Good.” Olivia snuggles deeper into my arms. “What’s this about a secret?”

  I grin and kiss her temple.

  “Oh, that? That’s a surprise. It’ll have to wait, though.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because once that secret is revealed, I’m going to want to kiss you. A lot. And you won’t let me right now. So, we wait.”

  “Hmm.”

  Olivia leans back, resting her back against my chest, as we watch Ryder go up and down on the slide. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my son so happy. And I know she’s the reason.

  “Well, whatever it is,” she says, “I can’t wait to hear it.”

  I kiss the side of her neck and nuzzle her ear.

  “And I can’t wait to tell you.”

  When Wednesday’s visitation rolls around, I decide to make myself scarce by meeting Dana and Angel at our favorite diner. They’re both late, of course, so I order a slice of cheesecake while I wait. Jackson didn’t want me to leave, but if Natasha is going to continue making the effort, I should give her the benefit of the doubt without standing guard like a mama bear.

  But, truthfully, that’s not the only reason I’m here.

  Dr. Jane had suggested that, while Ryder’s trying to reconnect with his mom, this might be a good time for me to take a small step back and have a life outside of the penthouse. Like making time for my friends, whom I’ve neglected over the past few months. Or, by updating my resumé so that I can reapply to school districts in hopes of getting a teaching position next year.

  I’m still not sure if these suggestions were made for Ryder’s benefit or for mine, but after a long talk with Jackson, I decided that the doctor was probably right, because the more I’m around him, the more I love him. Both of them. And all that love is causing lines to blur.

  Am I the nanny or the mother?

  Am I the employee or the girlfriend?

  From the very beginning, I’ve always been more than just the nanny, and time has only strengthened my love for a child who isn’t my own. I’ve filled the role of his mom, but now she’s back and making an effort. Will it last? Time will tell. But for Ryder’s sake, I want to give Natasha a fair chance. And that means re-evaluating my place in Ryder’s life.

  I can’t lie. It’s hard. Unbelievably hard.

  Jackson thinks I’m crazy. That I’m giving Natasha too much credit. He totally expects her to mess up. To get bored. To turn into the selfish woman she used to be. Give her enough rope, Jackson says, and she’ll hang herself eventually.

  Cold-hearted? Yes.

  But I get it.

  Natasha left him, but most importantly, she left her son.

  Some things you just can’t forgive, no matter how hard she’s trying to make things right.

  While I selfishly feel like I’m losing my favorite boy to his mother, I find peace in the fact that I’m not competing with her for Jackson’s heart. Natasha could suddenly become Mother of the Year, but Jackson would still love me.

  No, he hasn’t said the words. But I can feel them.

  In every gentle touch and in every innocent forehead kiss.

  We’re still trying to be discreet—if for no other reason than we don’t want Natasha to have any ammunition for the custody hearing.

  Another good reason for me to make myself scarce today.

  Glancing at my phone, I notice the time and send my friends a text.

  Where are you?

  After I hit send, I notice a voicemail. At first, I’m afraid I’ve missed a call from Jackson, but it’s not his number. It’s the same unfamiliar number that’s been calling me for weeks now. Bored enough to be intrigued, I listen.

  “Miss Stuart, this is Penelope Crane. I’m the principal of Castlewood Elementary. I’ve been trying to reach you for a few weeks now. You interviewed with us after your graduation, but we didn’t have a position for you at that time. We may now, if you’re still interested. I need to fill the position ASAP, so please give me a call.”

  Castlewood Elementary . . . that’s just an hour from Nashville!

  I’m practically bouncing in my seat when Dana and Angel finally arrive.

  “Sorry,” Angel says as the two of them slide into the booth. “Traffic was—why are you smiling like that?”

  “Castlewood wants to give me a job! I’m such an idiot. I’ve been ignoring their calls for weeks now. I mean, I didn’t know it was them. I figured it was a telemarketer or something. But it’s a job offer! Maybe. I’ll call her first thing tomorrow.”

  Angel’s eyes grow wide. “That’s . . . great.”

  “Great? Angel, it’s fantastic!”

  Dana nods. “So you’d start next school year?”

  “No, she said she needs to fill the position ASAP.”

  My body freezes.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. I wondered when you’d catch on.” Dana motions to the waitress. “I’m getting your check. We need to get out of this diner and find a bar. You’re gonna need a drink.”

  I don’t need a drink. I need to be slapped. For a brief moment, I completely forgot that I alr
eady have a job. I can’t just quit. I don’t want to quit.

  “Listen to me,” Dana says softly. “My brother will understand. This could be your chance to have your own classroom. With your own snot-nosed, sticky-fingered kids.”

  “But I love my snot-nosed, sticky-fingered kid.”

  “But he’s not yours, Olivia.”

  “Thank you, Dana. I’m well aware of that!”

  Dana frowns just as the waitress arrives.

  “Can I get you girls something?”

  “We can’t stay,” Angel says. “Thanks.”

  The waitress gives us a tired smile before placing the check on the table and walking back to the counter.

  “Okay, what’s going on?” Dana asks.

  “Nothing. You’re right. He’s not my kid.”

  She sighs. “Olivia, I know you love him. I know how attached you are. So is he. But this is your career we’re talking about. I hate to see you turn down an opportunity when you’ve worked so hard to get here. That’s all.”

  I shake my head. I can’t believe that I was so excited about the job offer that I didn’t even think about Ryder. I don’t even realize I’m crying until Angel hands me a napkin from the dispenser on the table.

  “Talk to us, Liv.”

  I sniffle quietly. “I can’t take this job. I mean, if she even officially offers it to me. I can’t take it.”

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t leave them. I just can’t.”

  “Castlewood’s just an hour away,” Angel says.

  “I can’t. I won’t.”

  Dana gazes at me, trying to read my mind. She’s always been good at that. Or maybe I’m an open book. Either way, it doesn’t take her long to figure it out.

  “You’re in love with my brother.”

  I dab my misty eyes.

  “Not just with your brother, but yeah. And now that Natasha’s back in the picture—”

  “Wait a minute. WHAT?”

  “Oh, crap . . .” Angel says with a sigh.

  My mouth snaps closed.

  “I take it you haven’t talked to your brother lately.”

  “What do you mean she’s back in the picture?”

  Dana’s face flashes with various shades of crimson as I tell her all about the custody hearing, the divorce, and the supervised visitation.