In Name Only (A Pine Falls Novel Book 2)

by Jennifer Peel

  “I’ll make you something to eat,” Kinsley offered. “And this time you’re going to eat it.” She could sound tough when she wanted to.

  “Okay,” was all I could say.

  Grandma and Ariana helped me to the bathroom. I think more to make sure that I actually showered. On the way there, I took a moment to look at Brock as he slept on the couch. His long, muscular body eclipsed the couch. He hadn’t shaved in days and had a nice layer of stubble on his handsome face. Yet even while he slept, I could tell he wasn’t at peace. He was twitching and holding on to a throw pillow like a vise. I hated to think of the nightmares he was having.

  “He talks in his sleep often,” Ariana whispered. “Always fighting someone.”

  “You both need some help.” Grandma didn’t mince words. “First, a shower, though. And use a lot of soap.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I sat in the small porcelain tub, feeling too weak to stand for a long period of time, and let the water cascade over me. I breathed in the mint and eucalyptus shampoo I had just rinsed out of my hair. It was refreshing and smelled clean, like a fresh start. I needed one of those but didn’t know where to begin. While I tried to think of where to start, I heard the doorknob lock pop. I rolled my eyes. I was sure it was Ariana or Kinsley checking to make sure I was actually showering. When we had all lived together, there was no such thing as privacy. It had been a common practice of ours to do our hair or makeup while one of the others showered. Three women and one bathroom necessitated it. Though really, it was more that we didn’t have a healthy respect for personal boundaries. I missed those days.

  “You don’t need to check on me,” I hollered over the water.

  “I’m not,” a masculine voice called back.

  I pulled my legs to me, feeling suddenly modest, before I peeked my head out of the shower curtain. “Brock, what are you doing in here? I’m naked.”

  “I figured.” He smirked.

  My brows rose. “I know we’re technically married, but uh . . .”

  “But what?” His mischievous eyes dared me to finish my sentence.

  “You know what.” I slid the shower curtain shut and hid behind it.

  Apparently Brock didn’t have a healthy respect for personal space either. He sat next to the tub and peeked his head in.

  “Excuse me.” I pushed his head out.

  He chuckled. “You do realize I saw everything at the hospital, right?”

  My cheeks burned. “I was in too much pain to care then.”

  “You care now?”

  I had to think about it. “Brock, for a long time I hoped to be able to share my body with you, but it’s too late.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  I slid the curtain open a smidge, enough for us to look at each other without giving him full access. “How can you say things like that, after everything that’s happened?”

  He reached in and ran a hand over my wet hair. “Dani, you don’t know how much I wanted to invite you to my bed and make love to you.”

  “No you didn’t. I remember DC.”

  He let out a heavy exhale. “I said some stupid, hurtful things, but don’t think for a second I didn’t want you. Yes, I was still struggling with what happened between you and Brant, but the bigger issue was what happened to me in Afghanistan. How could I make love to you and then ask you not to share my bed with me every night? Nights are when my demons come out to haunt me. I was afraid I might physically harm you. That you would see how unwell my mind was.”

  “I’ve known ever since you got back from Afghanistan that you needed help.”

  He hung his head and nodded. “Which is why I came in here to talk to you. Here, where you couldn’t pretend you were asleep or walk away. Unless you would like to try and leave now.” He gave me a sly smile. “That I wouldn’t mind.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at him. “Nice try.”

  “Well, I do have a beautiful wife.”

  That wiped my smile away. “Please, don’t call me that,” I begged. “It was all pretend.”

  “Pretend?” He seemed shocked that I thought so. “Dani, it was never pretend for me. You are my wife,” he said so tenderly. “But you were right, getting married so soon and the way we did was a mistake.”

  I grabbed my bare chest. Those words stung coming out of his mouth, as true as they were.

  “I shouldn’t have married you until I was capable of treating you exactly the way you deserved to be treated. It was unfair to ask you to live as man and wife when I wasn’t ready. I was hurt and admittedly angry because of what happened between you and Brant. And quite honestly, not in my right mind when I got home. I’m still not. I had no business getting married. That said, I love you. I always have.”

  “That’s not true. I have a list of women I approved for you that says otherwise.”

  “Dani.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It was always you. Do remember what my mother said about how I would change my life for you? She was right. I could have gone to medical school anywhere in the country. I had offers from all the big schools, but I stayed in Colorado because that’s where you were. During the gap year Brant and I took to travel the world before he went to law school and I went to medical school, I kept finding excuses to come back and visit you because I was miserable, wishing you were by my side enjoying the wonders of the world. I had a hundred job offers once I’d served my time in the army, but I came back here because of you. Do I need to go on?”

  “No,” I squeaked out through my tears. I could scarcely believe what he was saying. All that time, I had wished and hoped yet believed I would be eternally his friend. “Then why? Why the other women? Why the waiting?”

  He leaned his head back against the tiled wall. “Because I was a selfish bastard. Were there complications because of the way Brant felt for you? Yes. But ultimately, I wanted it all. The career, the accolades, freedom to do as I pleased untethered. All those women—that was just me running from the one woman I truly wanted. I knew if I started that kind of relationship with you, I could never walk away from it, and I stupidly thought settling down would hold me back. In the end, it all left me feeling hollow. When I was tied up in that hellhole, thinking I would die, I realized how I had wasted my life. How self-centered I had been. I pleaded with God, promised him that if he would help me to survive, I would come home and not waste another second on myself. I would spend it loving you and making babies with you,” he choked out. “I didn’t keep my promise to him or you,” his emotion bled through, his tears falling and getting lost in his layers of scruff.

  I reached out to him with my wet hand.

  He took it like a lifeline. “Dani, you don’t understand how agonizing it has been to know that you didn’t feel like you could call me after you found out about losing the baby. That you suffered alone, to the detriment of your life, all because I was too prideful to let go of what happened between you and my brother.” He kissed my hand and lingered with my palm pressed to his face. “I love you. It may have been a mistake to marry so quickly, but it wasn’t a mistake. I don’t want a divorce,” he pleaded.

  “Brock, please don’t make this any harder than it has to be,” I cried. “I don’t have anything to offer you. I feel so dead inside. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that night with Brant. For all the lies I’ve been telling since then. Our marriage being the biggest lie of them all.”

  He let go of my hand and reached for something in his pocket—a small velvet black box. He held it up for me to see. “I bought this before I left for Afghanistan. I happened to walk past that little antique jeweler in downtown Pine Falls. The one who gave a large donation last year for Children to Love. I saw this ring in their window display case. It had your name written all over it. I bought the ring for when I finally worked up the courage to propose to you. My captivity may have made me realize that I was done delaying being with you, and everything that happened with my family may have forced things to happen
sooner than they would have, but even before I left, the plan was to have you as my wife.” He opened the box to reveal a beautiful but simple filigree diamond ring in white gold. There was nothing flashy about it, unlike the one John had picked out. No, this was absolutely perfect.

  My hand flew to my mouth. I was so overcome, I couldn’t speak.

  “Dani, our marriage isn’t a lie. When I gave you my name, I intended for you to keep it. I know I don’t deserve to ask, but please give me some time. Us some time. I know I need help, and I intend to get it. Just don’t give up on us. Please.” He set the ring down and reached into the shower, taking my face in his hands. He pressed a kiss to my mouth, his emotions bleeding into my lips while his tears and the water bathed us both.

  So many swirling thoughts and feelings surged through me. It was as if his kiss opened the floodgates. I started to feel. I began grasping for the deadness, yet it was as if Brock was breathing life into me, pushing the darkness away. Still, I feared the hope that trickled in like tiny drops from a leaky faucet—slow, steady, and honestly annoyingly. Hope meant I had to be willing to hurt. I wasn’t sure I could take much more pain. But Brock’s kiss made me feel something else I hadn’t felt in a long time—a sense of belonging. He had owned my heart from day one. He always would. Even so, I still wondered, Could I trust him with it?

  “I love you,” he whispered against my mouth before pulling away. He set the open ring box on the edge of the tub. “This is yours whether you stay with me or not. I’m going to go now and give you some time, but know I’m a phone call away anytime you need me, day or night.”

  “Where are you going?” I wasn’t sure I wanted him to leave. I was so confused.

  “Home to heal. When I’m whole again, I’m going to come calling, just so you know.”

  “Is that a warning?”

  “That’s a promise.” He stood and walked to the door, only to turn around and smile at me. “I do love you, Dani Holland.” With that, he walked out the door.

  Dani Holland. How I had longed to have and cherish that name. For it to truly be mine in every sense of the word. Now I didn’t know how to feel about it. I stared at his ring—my ring. It shone brightly, almost as if it were daring me to accept the possibilities it offered. I looked up to the ceiling. Please, God, tell me what to do. I waited and waited. God’s words never came. Instead, John’s words gratingly rang in my head: “Don’t throw away what you want because it didn’t come to you in the pretty package you wished for.” I didn’t need the pretty package; I just needed to know it was worth it. Were Brock and I worth the fight?

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Showered and fed, I sat in my bed that night, after my family had finally allowed me to return to my room. They had forced me to mingle among them in the living room during the day. Mostly, it was a lot of sitting on the couch talking to Ariana, Kinsley, and Grandma. They were shocked to learn that Brock and I would be spending some time apart, maybe even permanently. Though they were all confident it would only be temporary. If only they could understand the intricacy of it all. But I couldn’t betray Brant. I feared for him. Regardless, I didn’t know if Brock and I could leave our past behind.

  I pulled his ring out of my nightstand drawer where I had hidden it. I wanted to keep it to myself until I figured things out. Opening the box, I stared at the modest, yet stunning, ring. I carefully lifted it out and admired all the delicate details of the tiny white gold leaves that surrounded the band. I hesitated to slip it onto my ring finger. But it seemed to be begging to be worn. Before I dared to try it on, I noticed an inscription inside the band. I held it up to the nightstand light and read, Love is friendship set on fire.

  Oh. Wow. How beautiful, and almost funny. We had certainly been burning. And, apparently, in love with each other. If only I had gotten that memo a lot earlier. And the ring. I slipped it on my finger and held it out in front of me. It was a perfect fit. It didn’t strangle at all, unlike the ring John had bought. In fact, it felt like a part of me. I quickly took it off before I got too comfortable with it and put it back in the drawer. Like Brock, I needed to heal before I could contemplate a future with him.

  I picked up some of the letters that Erin had brought over from the office. I felt bad that I hadn’t been able to see her when she’d come by, but I hadn’t wanted to see anyone who might try and make me feel better. I knew how messed up that sounded, but it seemed wrong for me to feel good when my baby had died.

  I flipped through the envelopes. I was touched that so many people had thought of me. A red envelope caught my eye. It was from Maya Rodriguez, a young woman that I knew well and loved who had graduated from our program. I tore open the envelope and took out the note that had been handwritten on copy paper.

  Dear Miss Dani,

  I read online about your baby.

  I internally groaned. I hated that my tragedy was playing out online and on local, and even some cable, news outlets. My sisters had filled me in today about the coverage Brock and I had received. I knew Brock had even received requests for interviews. Was nothing sacred? I shuddered to think what would be said if people found out we were taking a break. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure we could keep it a secret. I wondered what that meant for Brant. I had this nagging feeling that the puppet master would have his say. He, I was sure, didn’t like it when the puppets found a way to cut their strings. Men like Edward always wanted the upper hand.

  I focused on more pleasant things—the letter I held.

  I wanted you to know how sorry I am. Any baby would be so lucky to have you as a mother.

  I’m not sure I ever thanked you enough for all that you did for me. You saved my life. When I turned eighteen and was turned out on my own with nowhere to go and no family to speak of, your program took me in. Not only that, you took me in and became my family. You accepted me with no questions asked. No one had ever done that before. You showed me a better way. That I could make better choices than my so-called parents had. Because of you, I saw a future.

  I’ll never forget the many times I sat crying in your office, worried I wasn’t good enough or strong enough. You told me it didn’t matter where I had been, only where I was going and who I was becoming on that road. You gave me hope when I had none. Now here I am graduated from college and working as a social worker. I want to help people, like you helped me.

  Thank you for being my guardian angel.

  May you be blessed with healing and comfort.

  Love,

  Maya

  I held her note to my chest, tears pouring down my cheeks. Maybe I wasn’t so bad. Perhaps I deserved to hope for a happy future too. If nothing else, she reminded me that there were lots of Mayas out there who needed help. My help. And I wasn’t doing anyone any good lying in this bed day in and day out. I rubbed my abdomen. It felt hollow, though that wasn’t going to change by hiding from myself and the world. But I felt so guilty for even thinking about going on with my life as if nothing had happened. As if there hadn’t been a life in me that no longer existed. I didn’t know how to overcome the guilt—all of it.

  While I read more cards and letters from current and former students, even my staff and corporate partners, someone knocked on my door.

  Kinsley popped her cute head in. “You have a visitor.”

  I looked at my phone; it was already ten. Late for a visitor, unless it was Brock. My heart ticked up. “Who is it?”

  “Sheridan.”

  I was equal parts disappointed it wasn’t Brock and nervous to see my mother-in-law. I’d had no contact with her other than the lovely bouquet of white roses she had sent me. I had no idea what she knew and didn’t know. Did she hate me now?

  I sat up straight and placed my cards to the side. “Let her in,” I stuttered. I was so glad I was clean and my teeth were brushed.

  Kinsley opened the door to reveal Sheridan waiting for me, looking as elegant as ever in a black turtleneck, camel dress pants, and leather pumps. But something was off. Her eyes
were troubled, and her normally smiling face was downcast. She pulled Kinsley in for a hug. “It’s so nice to see you again. Please, don’t be a stranger.”

  Kinsley caught my eye while in Sheridan’s embrace, not sure what to say. I could tell she felt awkward, given how she had once felt for Brant and probably still did, though Tristan was doing his best to make Kinsley forget all about her feelings for Brant. Kinsley patted Sheridan’s back and said, “It’s nice to see you too.”

  Sheridan leaned away and took a good look at Kinsley, and longing for what could have been filled Sheridan’s eyes, though she didn’t verbally express it. Instead, she gave Kinsley a weak smile before she set her sights on me.

  Kinsley quickly scooted out the door, shutting it as she went and leaving me alone with one of the kindest women I had ever known. I prayed she was still that woman in regard to me.

  “Hi.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “Hello,” she said quietly, studying me. “I hope you don’t mind me dropping by unannounced. I thought we should talk.”

  I bit my lip. “Um, sure.” I pulled my legs up to my chest. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a chair.” I was pretty much a minimalist . . . more like mostly broke. Furniture had never been high on my list of priorities. Except, I supposed I could have a houseful of fine furniture if I wanted. All I had to do was return to Brock’s house. I wondered how Brock was faring in the house tonight, all alone when his demons came out to haunt him. I would have to worry about that later.

  “No chair is necessary.” Sheridan approached my bed and sat next to me. She immediately rested her manicured hand on my cheek. “Oh, my darling girl.” Her voice hitched.

  I naturally leaned into her hand.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Honestly, I’m not sure.”

  She patted my cheek before dropping her hand. “Yes, I remember those excruciating days after every baby I lost.”

  My eyes widened. “You miscarried?”

  “More times than I like to think about. Though I remember each one. All five to be exact.”