Kiwi Rules (New Zealand Ever After Book 1)

by Rosalind James

When Karen’s grandfather had told her she’d be married at the marae, she’d cried and hugged him. He’d patted her on the back and said, “Of course you are. Of course. Can’t have my mokopuna getting married anywhere else, can I,” and she’d cried some more. Like she couldn’t believe it.

  Now, the rest of my family and friends gathered and waited for the karanga, the welcome song from the women. A pulling song for the canoes, Karen had told me, the same one the people of the night had sung to pull Mauao over the land toward the sea. Not a lonely mountain anymore. A beloved mountain, one who’d taken a while to find his place in the world, but who knew now exactly where it was.

  When the song was over, we moved forward, taking off our shoes on the benches at the entrance, which was when Poppy decided that she needed to tell me, “The kilt looks a little stupid without shoes.”

  She was trying her best to be breezy and cheerful, but I could tell it wasn’t easy. She’d sold the glamping business to Hemi a couple months ago, and I thought she might have told Max to move out after that, because he didn’t seem to have been home in a while, and he wasn’t here today. I wasn’t sure of the reasons, because she wasn’t sharing, and I wasn’t sure what would happen next, either. All I knew was that she had circles under her eyes, and her belly was the only substantial part of her.

  I kissed her cheek. “Never mind. Karen will still like it.” I’d given my bride the choice of my dress uniform or the kilt, and she’d chosen the kilt, to my absolute non-surprise. My dad, and some of the other male guests, were wearing the full regalia as well. The knee-length kilt in the red and green MacGregor tartan, the short Prince Charlie black coat with its silver buttons, and the waistcoat, white shirt, bow tie, sporran, and knee socks, with the sgian-dubh, the dagger, tucked into the top of the right-hand one. Or the left-hand one, for me. My working hand.

  I was a New Zealand soldier and a Highland Scot, marrying an American at a Maori marae.

  Worked for me.

  I was doing fine when I came out of a side door twenty minutes later with Colin and the celebrant, and when we stood before the congregation. Dress uniforms and more kilts, Maori tattoos hidden under dress shirts, kids and pregnancies and cousins and grandparents and all the spilling-over generations of the whanau that was so much more Karen’s than she’d realized. My cousin Verity playing the violin, its soaring strains merging with the sounds that my mate Gordon, who played with the Royal New Zealand Air Force band, was pulling from the bagpipes. The music tugged at me, plaintive and yearning, and made my heart swell even more, but I was fine.

  When Karen’s youngest niece, Maia, came down the aisle holding hands with my own niece, Olivia, both of them throwing their rose petals with frowning, fierce determination, I smiled, and I was still fine. And when my nephew, Hamish, came marching down in his own red-and-green kilt and bow tie, carefully holding the satin pillow with Karen’s and my rings tied with a ribbon on top, I may have choked up, but I didn’t cry.

  I was fine when Hope walked down the aisle, too, looking serene and lovely in a dress her husband had clearly designed especially and only for somebody as pregnant, and as petite, as she was, and as she smiled at me with a face full of joy, reached up, kissed my cheek, and murmured, “I’m so happy,” before turning to stand and wait for her sister.

  All right, maybe I wasn’t exactly fine, but I wasn’t losing it, either.

  And then the music changed, the violin picking up the first strains of Highland Cathedral, the bagpipes joining in. The congregation stood, turned, and watched as my bride came down the aisle to me on her grandfather’s arm. Slowly, because the old man was slow. But he was so proud.

  It was the song I’d played on the beach, when I’d had too much emotion in my heart for it to come out any other way. It was the woman who walked to me, her hair feathered around her temples and across her forehead, her whiskey-brown eyes shining, her generous mouth smiling, all of it just for me. Wearing my pendant around her neck, and, under a dress that flowed around her beautiful body like the waves on the sea, my rubies in her belly piercings. Her joy transcendent, her life force filling the room. A strong woman who’d found her voice, a loving woman who’d found her home.

  She came to me just like that. Just like everything.

  The two of them got to us as the song ended, and Karen turned to her Koro, put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and pressed her forehead and nose to his in a hongi. By the time they were done, the tissues were out in force. Hemi stood and helped his grandfather to his seat, and Karen handed her bouquet to her sister, then took both my hands, leaned in, smiled like all the stars in the sky, and said, “Hi. I love you so much.”

  I’d done three hard tours in Afghanistan. I’d watched men die, and I’d killed them, too. I’d lain bleeding in the dust and looked at the leg I’d lost. And even after all of that, it was a good thing our vows were the traditional ones, because otherwise, I’d never have kept it together while I said them.

  I pledged my heart and hand to her, and she did the same for me, and when that diamond-studded ring I’d bought had slid home to stay on her finger, and the other band was on my own, when we’d walked up the aisle again knowing we were married, I danced with my wife.

  I was better at it now. I’d worked at it. You could call it functional fitness, because it was what I needed to do. Tonight, I’d carry her over the threshold, because I needed to do that, too.

  My ring was brushed white gold and absolutely plain on the outside, but the inner surface shone with rose gold to match hers. The same way my softness might stay on the inside most of the time, but she knew it was there, and she knew it was hers.

  When she was in my arms, and I was looking down at the neck I’d be kissing tonight, I dropped her into a dip and said, “I liked your present. A lot.”

  The text had come an hour before I’d seen her in her dress, when I’d been fastening the onyx studs into my dress shirt.

  The bride’s present to the groom, I’d read. And then thirty seconds more when I’d stood there, the black strip of silk that would become my bow tie in my hand, waiting to see what she’d given me.

  A photo.

  Her hand, with my ruby on it, pulling aside a curtain of palest-pink satin, showing me the prettiest curve of bottom a man could ever hope to see, edged by a strip of white lace. And in my handwriting, down there at the bottom of that curve, where her bikini would ride up, and anybody would be able to see it . . .

  Jax.

  I’d smiled so hard.

  Now, she was the one smiling as I pulled her up and waltzed her in a circle.

  “It’s not a house,” she said, “and it’s not a diamond. But it’s all yours. Just like me.”

  Better than a medal.

  A few notes about Maori pronunciation:

  The accent is normally on the first syllable.

  All vowels are pronounced separately.

  All vowels except u have a short vowel sound.

  “wh” is pronounced “f.”

  “ng” is pronounced as in “singer,” not as in “anger.”

  across the Ditch: in Australia (across the Tasman Sea). Or, if you're in Australia, in New Zealand!

  agro: aggravation

  air con: air conditioning

  All Blacks: National rugby team.

  ambo: paramedic

  Aotearoa: New Zealand (the other official name, meaning “The Land of the Long White Cloud" in Maori)

  Aussie, Oz: Australia. (An Australian is also an Aussie. Pronounced “Ozzie.”)

  bach: holiday home (pronounced like “bachelor”)

  backs: rugby players who aren't in the scrum and do more running, kicking, and ball-carrying—though all players do all jobs and play both offense and defense. Backs tend to be faster, leaner, and more glamorous than forwards.

  bench: counter (kitchen bench)

  berko: berserk

  Big Smoke: the big city (usually Auckland)

  bikkies: cookies

  billy-o, like
billy-o: like crazy. “I paddled like billy-o and just barely made it through that rapid.”

  bin, rubbish bin: trash can

  binned: thrown in the trash

  bit of a dag: a comedian, a funny guy

  bits and bobs: stuff (“be sure you get all your bits and bobs”)

  bollocks: rubbish, nonsense

  boofhead: fool, jerk

  booking: reservation

  boots and all: full tilt, no holding back

  bot, the bot: flu, a bug

  Boxing Day: December 26—a holiday

  brekkie: breakfast

  brilliant: fantastic

  bub: baby, small child

  buggered: messed up, exhausted

  bull's roar: close. “They never came within a bull's roar of winning.”

  bunk off: duck out, skip (bunk off school)

  bust a gut: do your utmost, make a supreme effort

  caravan: travel trailer

  cardie: a cardigan sweater

  chat up: flirt with

  chilly bin: ice chest

  chips: French fries. (potato chips are “crisps”)

  chocolate bits: chocolate chips

  chocolate fish: pink or white marshmallow coated with milk chocolate, in the shape of a fish. A common treat/reward for kids (and for adults. You often get a chocolate fish on the saucer when you order a mochaccino—a mocha).

  choice: fantastic

  chokka: full

  chooks: chickens

  Chrissy: Christmas

  chuck out: throw away

  chuffed: pleased

  collywobbles: nervous tummy, upset stomach

  come a greaser: take a bad fall

  cot: crib (for a baby)

  crook: ill

  cuddle: hug (give a cuddle)

  cuppa: a cup of tea (the universal remedy)

  CV: resumé

  cyclone: hurricane (Southern Hemisphere)

  dairy: corner shop (not just for milk!)

  dead: very; e.g., “dead sexy.”

  dill: fool

  do your block: lose your temper

  dob in: turn in; report to authorities. Frowned upon.

  doco: documentary

  doddle: easy. “That'll be a doddle.”

  dodgy: suspect, low-quality

  dogbox: The doghouse—in trouble

  dole: unemployment.

  dole bludger: somebody who doesn’t try to get work and lives off unemployment (which doesn’t have a time limit in NZ)

  Domain: a good-sized park; often the “official” park of the town.

  dressing gown: bathrobe

  drongo: fool (Australian, but used sometimes in NZ as well)

  drop your gear: take off your clothes

  duvet: comforter

  earbashing: talking-to, one-sided chat

  electric jug: electric teakettle to heat water. Every Kiwi kitchen has one.

  En Zed: Pronunciation of NZ. (“Z” is pronounced “Zed.”)

  ensuite: master bath (a bath in the bedroom).

  eye fillet: premium steak (filet mignon)

  fair go: a fair chance. Kiwi ideology: everyone deserves a fair go.

  fair wound me up: Got me very upset

  fantail: small, friendly native bird

  farewelled, he'll be farewelled: funeral; he’ll have his funeral.

  feed, have a feed: meal

  fizz, fizzie: soft drink

  fizzing: fired up

  flaked out: tired

  flash: fancy

  flat to the boards: at top speed

  flat white: most popular NZ coffee. An espresso with milk but no foam.

  flattie: roommate

  flicks: movies

  flying fox: zipline

  footpath: sidewalk

  footy, football: rugby

  forwards: rugby players who make up the scrum and do the most physical battling for position. Tend to be bigger and more heavily muscled than backs.

  fossick about: hunt around for something

  front up: face the music, show your mettle

  garden: yard

  get on the piss: get drunk

  get stuck in: commit to something

  give way: yield

  giving him stick, give him some stick about it: teasing, needling

  glowworms: larvae of a fly found only in NZ. They shine a light to attract insects. Found in caves or other dark, moist places.

  go crook, be crook: go wrong, be ill

  go on the turps: get drunk

  gobsmacked: astounded

  good hiding: beating (“They gave us a good hiding in Dunedin.”)

  grotty: grungy, badly done up

  ground floor: what the U.S. calls the first floor. The “first floor” is one floor up.

  gumboots, gummies: knee-high rubber boots. It rains a lot in New Zealand.

  gutted: thoroughly upset

  Haast's Eagle: (extinct). Huge native NZ eagle. Ate moa.

  haere mai: welcome (Maori; but used commonly)

  haka: ceremonial Maori challenge—done before every All Blacks game

  hang on a tick: wait a minute

  hard man: the tough guy, the enforcer

  hard yakka: hard work (from Australian)

  harden up: toughen up. Standard NZ (male) response to (male) complaints: “Harden the f*** up!”

  have a bit on: I have placed a bet on [whatever]. Sports gambling and prostitution are both legal in New Zealand.

  have a go: try

  have a nosy for… : look around for

  head: principal (headmaster)

  head down: or head down, bum up. Put your head down. Work hard.

  heaps: lots. “Give it heaps.”

  hei toki: pendant (Maori)

  holiday: vacation

  honesty box: a small stand put up just off the road with bags of fruit and vegetables and a cash box. Very common in New Zealand.

  hooker: rugby position (forward)

  hooning around: driving fast, wannabe tough-guy behavior (typically young men)

  hoovering: vacuuming (after the brand of vacuum cleaner)

  ice block: popsicle

  I'll see you right: I'll help you out

  in form: performing well (athletically)

  it's not on: It's not all right

  iwi: tribe (Maori)

  jabs: immunizations, shots

  jandals: flip-flops. (This word is only used in New Zealand. Jandals and gumboots are the iconic Kiwi footwear.)

  jersey: a rugby shirt, or a pullover sweater

  joker: a guy. “A good Kiwi joker”: a regular guy; a good guy.

  journo: journalist

  jumper: a heavy pullover sweater

  ka pai: going smoothly (Maori).

  kapa haka: school singing group (Maori songs/performances. Any student can join, not just Maori.)

  karanga: Maori song of welcome (done by a woman)

  keeping his/your head down: working hard

  kia ora: hello (Maori, but used commonly)

  kilojoules: like calories—measure of food energy

  kindy: kindergarten (this is 3- and 4-year-olds)

  kit, get your kit off: clothes, take off your clothes

  Kiwi: New Zealander OR the bird. If the person, it’s capitalized. Not the fruit.

  kiwifruit: the fruit. (Never called simply a “kiwi.”)

  knackered: exhausted

  knockout rounds: playoff rounds (quarterfinals, semifinals, final)

  koru: ubiquitous spiral Maori symbol of new beginnings, hope

  kumara: Maori sweet potato.

  littlies: young kids

  lock: rugby position (forward)

  lollies: candy

  lolly: candy or money

  lounge: living room

  mad as a meat axe: crazy

  maintenance: child support

  major: “a major.” A big deal, a big event

  mana: prestige, earned respect, spiritual power

  Maori: native people of NZ�
�though even they arrived relatively recently from elsewhere in Polynesia

  marae: Maori meeting house

  Marmite: Savory Kiwi yeast-based spread for toast. An acquired taste. (Kiwis swear it tastes different from Vegemite, the Aussie version.)

  mate: friend. And yes, fathers call their sons “mate.”

  metal road: gravel road

  Milo: cocoa substitute; hot drink mix

  mince: ground beef

  mind: take care of, babysit

  moa: (extinct) Any of several species of huge flightless NZ birds. All eaten by the Maori before Europeans arrived.

  moko: Maori tattoo

  mokopuna: grandchildren

  motorway: freeway

  mozzie: mosquito; OR a Maori Australian (Maori + Aussie = Mozzie)

  muesli: like granola, but unbaked

  munted: broken

  naff: stupid, unsuitable. “Did you get any naff Chrissy pressies this year?”

  nappy: diaper

  narked, narky: annoyed

  netball: Down-Under version of basketball for women. Played like basketball, but the hoop is a bit narrower, the players wear skirts, and they don’t dribble and can’t contact each other. It can look fairly tame to an American eye. There are professional netball teams, and it’s televised and taken quite seriously.

  New World: One of the two major NZ supermarket chains

  nibbles: snacks

  nick, in good nick: doing well

  niggle, niggly: small injury, ache or soreness

  no worries: no problem. The Kiwi mantra.

  not very flash: not feeling well

  Nurofen: brand of ibuprofen

  nutted out: worked out

  OE: Overseas Experience—young people taking a year or two overseas, before or after University.

  offload: pass (rugby)

  oldies: older people. (or for the elderly, “wrinklies!”)

  on the front foot: Having the advantage. Vs. on the back foot—at a disadvantage. From rugby.

  op shop: charity shop, secondhand shop

  out on the razzle: out drinking too much, getting crazy

  paddock: field (often used for rugby—“out on the paddock”)

  Pakeha: European-ancestry people (as opposed to Polynesians)

  Panadol: over-the-counter painkiller

  partner: romantic partner, married or not

  patu: Maori club

  paua, paua shell: NZ abalone

  pavlova (pav): Classic Kiwi Christmas (summer) dessert. Meringue, fresh fruit (often kiwifruit and strawberries) and whipped cream.