Loot and Booty Box Set

by Zeke Biddle

  “Yep. Who’s got a better one?”

  Their silence wins the argument for me.

  “Go!” I shout to BoomBitch when the giants are a few of their enormous steps away.

  The giants slow and try to follow all the tiny things scrambling around their feet. One turns toward BoomBitch and the other toward Eulalia. I’m more than a little annoyed neither seem to think I’m worth the bother.

  I call my animated orcs to my side and shout, “Hey, you big ugly fucks. Why don’t you come over here so I can kick your ass?”

  That doesn’t get their attention, but a lightning bolt that hits one in the head and arcs to the other’s chest does, despite not seeming to cause any damage. They both do cover their eyes from the bright light.

  While I’m committed to pulling out all the stops to save my ass, I call for my familiar, too, and soon feel his weight on my shoulder where he awaits my order.

  BoomBitch taps me on my other shoulder when she completes the loop. “What else can I do? Need a big boom?”

  “No!” I snap. “We’re not going to do that. The goal is for us to all live. Think you could run that rope between their legs and really tangle them up good?”

  She barks once and darts off.

  I shoot more lightning at their faces to distract them and breathe a sigh of relief once she does a figure eight around each of their legs.

  The rest of the party sneaks up behind them, but one of the giants must have sensed something. With one swing of its ax all of my ladies tumble backwards, taking massive damage.

  “Do you need those big axes to make up for your tiny dicks?”

  It isn’t until the taunt is out of my mouth that I realize I can’t even tell if the giants are men or women, or if giants don’t even bother with things like gender or sex.

  And then I waste a couple of seconds imagining the sound of their rocky bodies sliding and pounding against each other like little earthquakes.

  I shiver and just barely manage to roll to the side and duck under one of the axes aimed way too close to my head.

  I signal for BoomBitch to run to the left to tighten the rope around the giants’ ankles.

  The plan crumbles when the giants step forward and snap the rope in half.

  I glance over the edge of the cliff and wonder if they’ll follow me if I take a running leap.

  BoomBitch cuts that thought short. “No boom for me. No jump for you. We’ll figure something out.”

  “Or we’ll die,” I mumble.

  “Yep,” she says. Despite the danger, her tail wags with excitement. “I’ll try to keep them distracted while you come up with a plan.”

  I scowl at my five orcs. There’s no way they’ll be useful anymore, but I order them to attack the giants anyway. Just like I predicted, one giant sends three of them flying over the cliff with one kick, and the other picks up two orcs, bites their heads off, and throws their bodies at me. I’m not quick enough to dodge them completely. I groan in pain while I scramble back to my feet and try to disentangle myself from the corpses.

  The giants both stand with their hands over their fat stomachs, laughing at me.

  If I could animate two hundred of the orcs, I wouldn’t be able to hurt the giants. I can’t imagine anything would scare these creatures, except maybe their own kind.

  Their own kind.

  I try to cast animate dead on the giant Ynes killed. I expect to get a message that I’m not at high enough of a level. Instead, I get a warning that I’m too far away.

  The game drives me crazy with the sparse and random messages it gives me, but at least this one clearly explains the problem.

  I run to the left, but the still-living giants easily slide in front of me.

  “What’s the plan now?” BoomBitch asks behind my shoulder.

  “I’ve got to get to the dead giant.”

  She doesn’t ask for an explanation. She just leaps into action. Literally. She sprints straight toward the first giant and jumps when it swings its ax, landing on his shoulder. His buddy tries to help by taking a swing at BoomBitch.

  She does a backflip in plenty of time and lands harmlessly by my side.

  The giant can’t stop his swing quickly enough. His enormous ax bites into the other giant’s neck and slides straight through, severing his head.

  Confused, the giant stares down at his friend as he crumbles to the ground.

  I take advantage of the opening. If I survive, I’ll have plenty of time to gloat later.

  As I charge toward the larger of the two stone giants, I try casting the spell repeatedly until the message that I’m too far from it stops popping up, and then just pray it can work on something like a stone giant.

  I finally remember to breathe when it hauls itself to its knees and then to its feet. Slowly, as if not worry about us in the least, it picks up its sword and stands there looking down at me.

  “Kill him!” I shout, pointing at the giant who has come to his senses and started chasing after me.

  My animated giant stands there like an idiot while I run between his legs.

  Oh well, it was a good life. For the last few weeks since I’ve been trapped in the game, at least.

  I hear a thunderous crash of rocks behind me, but keep running. My crappy plan is to never stop until I have a new plan. As I’m about to pass by the other women, though, Alexandra jumps in front of me and wraps her arms around my body, bringing me to a stop.

  She points over my shoulder. “It’s working.”

  My giant punches the other one in the face. Pieces of rock larger than my body crash to the ground and kick up dust.

  The other giant raises his ax above his head and swings it at my giant, but mine is ready. My giant’s sword cuts right through the other’s wrists.

  The giant ax flies end over end our way.

  We all scatter, and the enormous weapon lands with a crash between us.

  Things go downhill quickly from there for the other giant.

  As if possessed by…well, me…my giant hacks away on his weaponless buddy, chopping him into tiny boulders.

  “Oh, wow. I can’t believe that worked.”

  “Nice job, wizard,” Alexandra says in a way that doesn’t make it sound like a curse.

  We all scream when we hear more rock grinding against rock until we see that it’s just a wall moving again to expose a secret chamber. The room is small but stuffed full with piles of gold, weapons, and armor lying in tall piles.

  “That must have been the boss. Let’s go get our loot!” I shout.

  The women all cheer and race me to the room. I’m the last across the threshold. It’s a vast chamber full of treasure. Piles of gold and gems with armor and weapons are scattered amidst the piles.

  The stockpiled wealth takes my breath away.

  My eyes start to droop.

  I see a man wearing form-fitting black armor from his head to his toes, dragging something behind him. It takes me a second to realize he’s dragging Ynes by her hair.

  Bastard! I’ll kill him!

  As I take a step forward, I get unnaturally sleepy. My foot bumps against a lump on the ground. When I look down, I find each of the girls sprawled out on the floor.

  It’s a trap.

  I try to say the words out loud but my mouth isn’t working anymore.

  The man turns and smiles at us with his hands on his hips. “Hello!” he calls out from the distance. “Welcome to my lair. I’ll take good care of any weapons and treasures on your possession.”

  Everything goes black as I drift into unconsciousness.

  18

  When I come to, the first thing I hear is a deep bass laugh that shakes my bones.

  “There we are,” the voice says. “All awake. You humans do taste better when you’re struggling.”

  “I’m not human,” BoomBitch says.

  “Ah, yes, my little hybrid. I look forward to tasting you most of all. I’ve been waiting too long to sample one of your kind…”

&n
bsp; A dragon so black its scales shine in the flickering torchlight positions himself in our field of vision. If Ynes were in her dragon form, he would have towered over even her.

  I shake my head to clear the cobwebs from my brain. When I look back at the dragon, I realize his scales are the exact color of the armor of the man who was dragging Ynes. Was he one of the dragon’s lackeys, or was he the dragon in human form?

  Either way, I’ll kill him!

  Cold metal chains bind my wrists behind my back.

  I’m even more terrified than any of the times I’ve fallen or dangled off the cliffs since starting this game, and even more certain I’m going to die.

  “It was a good run, wizard,” Alexandra says from somewhere behind me. When she gives my bound hands a comforting squeeze, her own chains jangle in the stillness.

  “My only regret is that we never got you into the harem,” I say. “That would have been a lot of fun.”

  “You wouldn’t have survived one night with me,” she says in a deep, sexy voice.

  I laugh. “Totally would have been a better way to die than from Mr. Bad Breath—”

  “Silence,” the dragon bellows. “The Dark Shadow has given me marching orders. Come tomorrow morning, my army will no longer hide in the caves, training against each other. We will break nations and slaughter nobles.”

  “You mean those misfits we merrily hacked our way through?” Eulalia taunts, making me snicker. “Because if so, you’re liable to get stymied by the first small farm you attack.”

  “You think you met the full might of my army, little one? You’ve only seen one percent of one percent of our strength. We’ve burrowed our way under all the major kingdoms of the land.”

  “What’s it feel like walking around with your boss’ nuts in your mouth?” I ask.

  Why not? If I’m going to die, I might as well go out talking some shit to a dragon.

  The dragon swoops his head down so close I could kiss him if I wanted. His breath smells like sulfur. “I carry no one’s…nuts…in my mouth, pissant.”

  “Sure you do. That Shadow’s dick is so far down your throat you’re practically sprouting another tail.”

  The air between us grows unpleasantly warm. His tail swishes back and forth, creating an avalanche of incalculable riches down the mountain of gold. He doesn’t even notice.

  “What are you doing?” Alexandra whispers.

  The dragon hisses. “Sssigning hisss death warrant.”

  I blow a raspberry sound between my lips. “Bullshit. I’m betting you have orders to take us unharmed to this Dark Smudge of yours, otherwise you would have killed us already. If not, you wouldn’t have us bound before destroying us, because what’s the sport of that?”

  The dragon’s laugh fills the room and nearly makes my head explode. “Ah, humans. So cute. So tender and delicious. It is going to be so glorious when Dark Shadow breaks free and crushes all of humanity under his pinky finger. We will mount an attack on this world like it’s never seen. When we’re done, we’ll install a regime with me in command that will force the creatures we let live to mine resources, and build— ”

  I yawn dramatically loud. “Oh sorry. I would have covered my mouth, but…chains.” I shake the ones binding my wrists. “Whose seminar did you go attend to convince yourself you’re tough, and how much did it cost? I think you got ripped off. You’re not so tough. You’re not even the only dragon around, you know? We have one in our own party who will probably be waking up any second now, so you might want to wrap up your soliloquy.”

  “You mean the elf?” the dragon asks, holding out one of his front paws.

  From between his claws, Ynes glares up at him with murder in her eyes.

  “Because, she might not have told you this, but she’s just an elf. She isn’t fit to clean dragon latrines. I snagged her after that little trick she pulled on my giant. That was cute. She’ll make a great bargaining chip with the elves.”

  “Let’s cut to the chase, dragon breath,” BoomBitch says. “Your lord and commander, obviously someone much more powerful than you, is telling you to—”

  “You are all mistaken. The Dark Shadow is my equal, not my lord. When he returns, we will dominate this world and rule together side by side.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure that’s how it’s going to happen. No way he tries to trick you or anything.” The dragon starts to speak again but she cuts him off by growling loudly and raising her voice. “Besides, if you can’t even survive someone as tiny and pathetic as me, what hope do you have against something called The Dark Shadow?”

  “What are you doing?” Alexandra whispers to her.

  “Providing a little before-dinner entertainment,” the dragon says, sounding bored.

  BoomBitch snorts. “Oh, I’d never eat you. Lizards taste like stale farts.”

  While talking, BoomBitch takes a step forward, placing herself squarely in front of the dragon.

  While all of the rest of us are biding time and hoping to escape, BoomBitch appears to be setting up for an attack. It makes no sense. She has no weapons.

  She is a weapon.

  “No. Don’t do this.” I beg.

  “Do what?” Eulalia asks.

  “She’s going to kill the dragon,” I say, numb, and scrambling to find any other option.

  But there are none. For us to survive, she’ll have to sacrifice herself.

  And I’ll have to allow it.

  I feel pathetic and broken.

  “I wish there was another way,” I mumble.

  “There is no way,” the dragon says, sounding like if he wore a watch, he’d check it to see how much of his time we are wasting.

  No matter what happens next, BoomBitch is going to die. Either she dies from the dragon killing her, or she blows herself up in hopes it’d kill the dragon. I’d be a worse leader to waste that sacrifice rather than accepting it. “Kick his ass.”

  BoomBitch looks over her shoulder and smiles at me. “He doesn’t stand a chance.”

  That bone-shaking laugh fills the room again. “You’re a fun bauble. It’s too bad I don’t have more time to play. I’ve got ruler work to do. I will honor you by eating you first.”

  Faster than my lightning, the dragon snatches her up and tosses her into his mouth.

  All the other women scream, “No!”

  It does no good.

  “Thanks for rescuing me, Marcus,” BoomBitch says as the dragon’s teeth start to close on her.

  I want to be anywhere else rather than watch, but I refuse to turn away. She deserves at least that from me.

  Just before the dragon’s teeth can chop BoomBitch in half, she explodes in a blinding flash, making a bloody pulp out of the dragon’s head, which splatters on us and the nearby walls.

  The dying dragon twitches for several seconds, as if not sure how necessary having a head really is, but he eventually goes still.

  BoomBitch sacrificed herself to save the rest of us.

  She wouldn’t have needed to if I hadn’t led us into the trap.

  It should have been me.

  Tears stream down my cheeks, but I’m too numb to scream.

  Boulders fall from the walls and ceilings, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the chaos BoomBitch caused, both in the room and in my soul.

  I ignore the congratulatory messages the game flashes upon the death of the dragon. Who cares? What’s it matter when we’ve lost one of our own?

  Alexandra pushes me ahead of her, and makes me run. The rest of the party follows…except for BoomBitch. She’ll never follow again.

  19

  We eventually turn into a side tunnel with no idea where it’s heading. More of my great leadership.

  We may have won the battle by killing the dragon and making things more difficult for The Dark Shadow, but it definitely feels like we have very little chance to win the war.

  And we lost BoomBitch.

  “Hey, dumbass,” Alexandra says, slapping me across the face. “Stop blaming
yourself. Without you, none of us would be alive. It sucks that BoomBitch died, but that’s what happens to heroes. We risk it all for fame, fortune, and to help the little people. Don’t tarnish the memory of BoomBitch by falling into some kind of hole in your heart. She’d want you to look forward and honor her sacrifice.”

  Knowing she’s right does nothing to make me feel better.

  “Damn straight I would,” BoomBitch says, jogging up to join our group, one new short sword in each hand.

  I stare at her ghost and wonder if I’m having some kind of breakdown.

  The rest of the group must be sharing in my psychosis, because they rush to embrace her.

  “You can’t be real. I saw you explode,” I say, my hands firmly pinned to my side so I don’t risk reaching out to touch her. I don’t want to shatter the daydream when my hand passes through empty air where she stands.

  She shrugs. “I did. It appears the witch is a little smarter than the dragon gave her credit for. All the others exploded and died. I was put on the shelf, and eventually injected with something new she’d created. Before she’d had a chance to test it, she’d returned to the surface to deal with some guy whose skeletons kept killing her machines. It appears I’m a reusable bomb. I can’t wait to meet her some day and show her just how great of a job she did with creating me.”

  I run into the huddle of women and kiss them all. Everything is going to be all right. We’ve survived the dragon and broken the threat of the orcs to Eulalia’s village. For the time being, at least.

  The witch is still out there somewhere. So is the Shadow, whoever he is.

  There will be greater battles than these in our future, but for one day, we can call ourselves victors.

  Pointing at BoomBitch’s swords, I say, “We were so sad about losing you, Gillian forgot to grab some loot from the dragon’s lair.”

  “Motherfucker,” Gillian grumbles.

  When she starts back toward the room, we follow, but just before we reach the door, a loud rumbling makes us stop.

  The piles of gold and all the other treasures they hold are rapidly collapsing into sinkholes that have opened up throughout the chamber.