How Much I Feel

by Force, Marie

I stare out that window for what has to be an hour as I try to remain calm while I wait to hear something.

  “Do you even know what otolaryngology is?”

  The sound of his voice electrifies me, and my mood swings from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs in a whiplashing second. Smiling, I say, “It’s a medical specialty focused on the ears, nose and throat or, as it applies to you, head and neck surgery.” I turn my chair to find him leaning against the doorframe looking handsome, relaxed and dare I say happy.

  His smile lights up my world. “Hi.”

  “Hi there.”

  “How’s it going?” he asks.

  “Oh, you know, just another day in paradise. You?”

  “Eh,” he says with a shrug. “Nothing special except for right now.”

  “Are you going to tell me how it went with the board, or are you going to make me suffer?”

  He raises a brow. “How do you know about the board? I told Mona not to say anything.”

  “She didn’t. Turns out Debby in the cafeteria is an excellent source of information around here.”

  “So I’ve heard.” He pushes off the doorframe, closes my office door and comes over to sit on my desk, facing me. “It went well with the board, thanks to you and that incredible presentation you put together.”

  “You gave me a lot to work with.” I bite my lip as I stare at him greedily and contemplate the question I most want to ask.

  “What?” he asks, giving me an inquisitive look.

  “I was just wondering . . .” I clear my throat and force myself to look directly at him, which for me is akin to looking directly into the sun. He makes everything brighter in my world, just by walking into the room.

  “What are you wondering, Rizo?”

  As always, the nickname makes me swoon. “If you were offered your job back in New York, why did you meet with the board here?”

  “You really have to ask that question?”

  “Well, yes, I guess I do.”

  He pushes himself off the desk and surprises the living crap out of me when he drops to his knees in front of me and wraps his arms around me, resting his forehead against my chest.

  For a second, I’m too stunned to move, but then my fingers find their way to his hair, and my heart starts beating so fast I fear I might need medical attention. Good thing I’m in a hospital.

  After a long moment in which we simply coexist in the relief of being back together, he pulls back to look up at me. “I met with the Miami-Dade board because I want to work here. I want to live here.”

  I know the answer to my own question, but I ask it anyway. I want to hear him say it. “Why?”

  “Because you’re here.”

  My heart skips a happy beat, and the surge of joy that floods through me leaves me breathless. “You can’t make major career decisions based on someone you’ve known less than a month.”

  “Too late. I already have.”

  “Jason . . .”

  “Carmen . . .”

  I can’t believe this is happening, that he’s in my office telling me he’s rearranged his career and life for me. “This is insanity.”

  He shakes his head. “No, it’s not. It’s love. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be part of your big, fabulous Cuban-Italian family. I want to burn my ass with you on Priscilla’s leather seats in the hot South Florida sunshine. I want to be wherever you are.”

  Overwhelmed by everything he said, I cup his face and stare into the golden-brown eyes that’ve dazzled me from the start.

  “You know what would make this moment absolutely perfect?” he asks with a teasing grin.

  “What?”

  “If you were to tell me you love me, too, so I’ll know I didn’t just make a complete fool of myself in front of the Miami-Dade board.”

  I kiss him with all the love I feel for him, with days’ worth of pent-up desire and the elation that comes with seeing a once-hopeless situation become the promise of a future I never dared to dream possible. “I love you, too. I think I have from almost the first second I ever saw you.”

  “I fell for you when I saw you in that jail cell.”

  I play-punch his shoulder. “I’m going to murder you if you tell people that.”

  His laughter is everything. It’s my favorite sound. “No, you won’t. You love me too much to murder me.”

  “If you tell my parents I was in jail, I will murder you.”

  “Your secret is safe with me, mi amor. You are safe with me. Siempre.” Always.

  I hug him as tightly as I can from my desk chair.

  Apparently, that’s not good enough for him. With his arms wrapped around me, he stands and brings me with him, leaning back against my desk and holding me close to him as he seems to breathe me in. “I told myself I wouldn’t come to you until I knew for sure I was going to be able to work and live here, but I lacked the willpower to stay away after missing you so much.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t stay away. I missed you, too. So, so much.”

  “I don’t know what’s going to happen with the board. They might say no out of deference to New York. I honestly have no idea how it’s going to play out. All I know is I want to be with you, and if I can’t work here, I’ll find something else.”

  “But your research . . .”

  “I’ll start over if I have to.”

  “I can’t believe you’d do all this for me.”

  “Really? You can’t? Do you not have any idea how awesome you are? How smart and funny and sexy and courageous? If you could see yourself through my eyes, you’d have no doubt whatsoever as to why I’m willing to chuck it all so I can be with you.”

  “That makes me feel very lucky.”

  “We both got lucky the day Mr. Augustino sent you out to babysit me.”

  “God, I was so mad that he made me do that. The last thing I wanted to be told to do on the first day of my first real job after years of school was to babysit the new neurosurgeon. And then when you showed up in Priscilla, with Betty riding shotgun, and slipped me a fifty to deal with her . . . You’re lucky I didn’t stab you right then and there.”

  He rocks with silent laughter. “I had no idea my life was in danger that morning.”

  “Be glad I didn’t have a knife with me.”

  “My little hellcat. Just when I think I’ve seen all sides to you, here comes another one.”

  “Don’t mess with me.”

  “Duly noted. Besides, I’d much rather kiss you.”

  I know I should stop this, since I’m at work after all, but I don’t stop it. Rather, I fully participate, wrapping my arms around his neck, opening my mouth to his tongue and rubbing shamelessly against his erection. It’s the best kiss with him yet, because it’s laced with the promise of forever.

  “We need to stop before this gets out of hand,” he whispers against my lips.

  “It got out of hand about ten minutes ago.”

  His low chuckle rumbles against my kiss-swollen lips. “How do you feel about taking sick at work?”

  “In general or today?”

  “Today in particular.”

  “I’m feeling rather lightheaded, short of breath and feverish. My heart is acting up a bit, too.”

  He affects a solemn expression as he places one hand on my forehead and the other against the throbbing pulse point in my throat. “I prescribe an afternoon in bed to deal with these worrisome symptoms. Doctor’s orders.”

  “If we do this, Mona will never let us forget it.”

  “I have a feeling Mona loves a good happy ending as much as the next gal.”

  “You want to find out?”

  “More than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

  “Let’s do it.”

  “Oh, we’re going to do it, all right.”

  “Jason! Stop. Let me get out of here with a shred of dignity, will you?”

  “You might have to go ahead of me. You’ve got me all worked up.”

  “I’ve got you
worked up? I was in here minding my own business before you showed up.”

  “You, ah, might want to fix your hair, and your blouse is all . . .” He rolls his hand as he points to my top, which is indeed askew.

  I do the best I can to put myself back together, tucking my black-and-white polka-dot blouse back into black dress pants and running my fingers through my hair to restore order. “Better?”

  “Well, no. I like you better when you’re all messed up. But it’ll do to get you out of here with your dignity intact.”

  I grab my purse, keys and phone. “Let’s go.”

  He follows me out of my office. We catch a lucky break that Mona is away from her desk when we reach the outer lobby.

  “How much you wanna bet she’s in the cafeteria telling Debby that you’re in my office?” I ask him.

  “You’d win that bet.”

  We’re in the elevator before I release the breath I held while we made our escape. On the walk to the parking lot, I send an email to Mona, letting her know I’ve left for the day because I’m not feeling well.

  “It’s the only time I’ll ever ask you to lie for me,” Jason says, tuning in to my discomfort.

  “This is what happens when I get in bed with the devil. I do time in jail, lie and play hooky.”

  “You know what rhymes with hooky?”

  I lose it laughing and elbow him in the gut. “Shut up.”

  “Admit it. Life is more interesting with me around.”

  “I’ll admit no such thing so as not to encourage you to lead me even further astray.”

  “Oh, baby, the places I want to lead you.” He takes my hand and walks toward Priscilla. Before I can ask about my car, he says, “I’ll bring you back in the morning.”

  With an entire afternoon and evening to spend with him, work is the last thing I care about. When we’re in the car, I text my mother to tell her that Jason is back in Miami and angling for a job at Miami-Dade because he wants to be wherever I am. I send that text and smile at the thought of the news ripping through my family.

  They’ll be as thrilled as I am, which makes me even happier than I already am.

  “What’re you doing over there?” he asks when we’re stopped at a light.

  “Telling my family you’re back so they’ll leave me alone.”

  “Good thinking, because we’re not going to want to be disturbed for a couple of days.”

  “A couple of days? I have to work tomorrow!”

  “You’re very sick. You need rest and fluids. Lots of fluids.”

  I snort with laughter. “That is so disgusting!”

  “Nothing disgusting about it, baby.”

  He gets us back to my place as fast as he possibly can and parks in my space. Then he looks over at me. “You haven’t had anyone else parking in my visitor spot while I was gone, have you?”

  I roll my eyes. “Please. It took me five years to find you. It would’ve taken me longer than a week to replace you.”

  “You’re never replacing me.”

  As we get out of the car and go upstairs, we manage to keep our hands to ourselves. But once that door clicks shut behind us, all bets are off. We pull at clothes and yank on buttons and zippers and swear like sailors with frustration when the clothes fight back against our clumsy attack.

  I laugh when my head and right arm get stuck inside my blouse.

  “It’s not funny!” he says. “Do something!”

  “You’re the surgeon. Figure it out.”

  He gets me free of the fabric and makes love to me the first time right there in the foyer, with me pressed against the wall still wearing my bra and with his pants around his ankles.

  “Oh God, Carmen.” He releases a deep breath. “I’ve been a fucking mess thinking I blew it with you.”

  “I’m still here, and I love you. I love you, Jason.”

  Now that I can tell him that, I want to say it so many times he won’t ever forget it.

  The second time we make it to my bed. We’re napping after the third time when Jason hears his cell phone is ringing in the other room. He disentangles from me and runs naked from the bedroom as I laugh at him from the bed.

  He brings the phone back to bed. “Three-oh-five area code.”

  My heart stops.

  He puts the call on speaker. “Dr. Northrup.”

  “I’m so glad I caught you. This is Roy Augustino.”

  Jason sits on the bed and takes hold of my hand. “Hi, Mr. Augustino.”

  I grip his hand, close my eyes and hope for the best.

  “The board has asked me to extend an offer of employment. I’ve emailed a formal offer that I hope will meet with your approval. I consulted with the board in New York. We agree that we need to keep you in our family, and you should be able to decide where it is you want to work.”

  I open my eyes to look into his, which are glowing with happiness.

  “Thank you. I’ll take a look and let you know.”

  “Outstanding. Assuming the offer is sufficient, we set your official start date as a week from Monday, to give you time to work out housing.”

  “Perfect. Thank you very much.”

  “My pleasure. I hope I’ll soon be saying welcome aboard, Dr. Northrup.”

  “I’ll be in touch and hopefully will see you next Monday.”

  “Sounds good.”

  He puts the phone on the bedside table and slides into my outstretched arms.

  “Congratulations.”

  “There’s no way this would’ve happened without you and everything you did.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “It’s one hundred percent true. You make the difference in every possible way.”

  We kiss like two people who just got the keys to forever.

  “I love you, Carmen.”

  “I love you, too, Jason.”

  “That’s the best news I’ve had all day.”

  EPILOGUE

  JASON

  Two days before the one-year anniversary of meeting Carmen, I wake up in bed with her like I do every day now that she’s unofficially officially moved in with me. Since her grandmothers would, in her words, “have a brain hemorrhage that you’d have to operate on” if they knew we’re living together, we haven’t actually told them we’re cohabitating.

  Carmen thinks we’re fooling them, which is what she needs to believe in order to actually live with me. I’m under no such illusions where her grandmothers are concerned. From what I’ve observed, they know everything before it happens, but far be it from me to say or do anything that would make Carmen uncomfortable in our new home.

  After I bought the condo we both loved in Brickell, I asked her to move in with me almost right away. She turned me down repeatedly, even as we spent every night together, either at her place or mine. We kept clothes, toothbrushes and personal items at both places, and as I told her, we were wasting money by paying for two homes when we need only one.

  On the six-month anniversary of the day we met, I took her to the Bahamas for a long weekend, during which I presented her with her own set of keys to my condo over a romantic dinner on the beach. “Move in with me. Please.”

  I could tell from the way she looked at me that she was wavering, so I went all in.

  “I love you more than Priscilla. I want us to have every minute we can together.”

  “You really love me more than Priscilla?”

  “I’ve told you that before.”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  “Well, I do. You should know that.”

  “We don’t already spend every minute we can together?”

  “It could be more.” I stuck my lip out. “Don’t you want to live with me?”

  “Of course I do, but . . .”

  I groaned dramatically. “Ugh, the worst word ever invented. But.”

  She laughed at my agony. She does that a lot, but that’s okay. She can do whatever she wants as far as I’m concerned. I reached across the table for her ha
nd. “Talk to me, Rizo. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  “It’s really important to me that I pay my own way. If I move in with you, you’ll want to pay for everything, and I don’t want that.”

  “Fine. Negotiate.” At this point, I would have signed the deed to the place over to her if it would mean we’d share an address.

  “You paid for the condo. I pay for everything else.”

  “No.”

  “Just no?”

  “I’m not letting you pay when we go out for dinner or when I take you away to the Bahamas or anywhere else for that matter.”

  “I pay for utilities, cable, Wi-Fi, groceries. Nonnegotiable.”

  “Do I get to pay for my own dry cleaning?”

  She raised the eyebrow that cuts me down to size every time. “You aren’t making fun of me by any chance, are you?”

  “Never.”

  “Sure you aren’t . . . You can pay for all the dry cleaning since your guy got that veneer stain off my navy suit. Clearly you’re better at picking dry cleaners than I am.”

  “All right, but I’m allowed to pay for surprise extras anytime I want. Nonnegotiable.” Have I ever had more fun in my life than I do with her? Nope. Never.

  “Fine.”

  “Fine.” And then the sand beneath me seemed to shift. “Wait . . . Did you just agree to move in with me?”

  “I think I did.”

  I let out a whoop that had other beachfront diners looking at us.

  “Sit down, Jason.”

  I didn’t realize I’d jumped out of my seat. “Yes, dear.”

  “One more thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You cannot, under any circumstances, tell my grandmothers.”

  “They won’t hear it from me.”

  “And you can be the one to tell my father.”

  “Wait, what?”

  She lost it laughing, and sure enough, she made me tell Vincent we were moving in together.

  “What took you so long to convince her?” Vincent asked, shocking me. I was prepared for disapproval, but I suppose when you’ve watched your only child go through the pits of despair, seeing her happy again mellows a guy.

  “She drives a very hard bargain.”

  “That’s my girl,” Vincent said, glowing with paternal pride.

  I love him and Viv, as well as Nona and Abuela, as if they’re my own family. Vincent has been giving me bartending lessons so I can “make myself useful” around the place. It’s nice to have a father again after so many years mostly estranged from my own.