The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP. We are using the term “spiritual friendship” along the lines of the description in the classic twelfth-century book by Aelred of Rievaulx.93 Spiritual friendship has all the basics of any friendship. There must be sharing—especially of one’s feelings (transparency), of one’s time (being there for one another). But the common loves and interests that make for spiritual friendship have to do with Christian discipleship. Spiritual friends love the same Savior, share an experience of amazing grace, love the same Scripture, and hold each other accountable to grow into Christ (Hebrews 3:13) and into a profound knowledge of his Word (2 Peter 3:18). At the simplest level, that means that spouses who are spiritual friends study the Bible and Christian theology together, and pray together.

  Reflection: Do you read the Bible and Christian literature together and discuss it? Do you pray together? Christian couples have good intentions here, but so often it doesn’t happen. If you aren’t doing this as much as you should, what are the barriers or reasons for it?

  Thought for prayer: Don’t just pray in general that you’ll “be better at reading and praying together.” Instead, identify the reasons you are not doing it and ask God to help you remove them.

  August 22

  [M]arriage is to make us “holy . . . without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. . . .” ([Ephesians] verses 26–27). . . . Does this mean “marriage is not about being happy, it’s about being holy?” [No,] that is too stark a contrast. . . . [R]eal happiness is on the far side of holiness, not the near side. Holiness gives us new desires, and brings old desires into line with one another. So if we want to be happy in marriage, we will accept that marriage is designed to make us holy. (Hardcover, pp. 132–33; paperback, pp. 145–46)

  THE CHIEF END. The Westminster Shorter Catechism asks, “What is the chief end [purpose] of man?” and answers, “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” Is it saying that if we glorify God by loving him and obeying him that it will result in great joy? Yes. But is it also saying that we only truly glorify God if we enjoy him? That too, because it is only if we are obeying him just for his sake, just for the greatness of our love of him, that we are truly obeying for his glory and not ours. Happiness and holiness have the same interdependent relationship in marriage. The more we grow spiritually, the more unselfish we can become, and the more we can find our happiness in the happiness and growth of our spouse.

  Reflection: Have you seen holiness and happiness relate interdependently in your marriage?

  Thought for prayer: Praise God for being so glorious and beautiful. Adore him until you feel something of his greatness. Then confess that you go to him too much for things instead of just more of God himself. Ask for a heart that seeks him like that.

  August 23

  [T]he in-love phase . . . includes the illusion that the beloved is perfect in every aspect that matters. . . . The in-love experience passes when the flaws in the other person come home to us. Things that seemed small and inconsequential now loom large. . . . And this presents us with the challenge of loving a person who, at the moment, seems in large part a stranger, not the person you remember marrying. . . . Just as distressing will be . . . that your spouse finds you a stranger and . . . [produces] a list of your serious shortcomings. (Hardcover, pp. 135–36; paperback, pp. 148–49)

  DISENCHANTMENT. The disillusionment that can come early in marriage is so prevalent that the saying “the honeymoon is over” has entered our language. But it’s no laughing matter. Having sex during dating can ramp up the romantic infatuation so that the realistic friendship never gets started by the time you are married. The disenchantment may therefore be intensified in the modern model of spouse as sexual partner/soul mate rather than the spouse as spiritual friend. Nevertheless, you ordinarily can’t see all of the sins and flaws of your spouse before you are married, and so you should expect times of disenchantment in any case.

  Reflection: Did you have a “honeymoon over” time of disappointment? How did you deal with it?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you not look to any thing or relationship—not even marriage—to give you the joy and love and peace that only he can give. Ask God to make himself real enough to your heart that you can worship only him.

  August 24

  What are the “tools” for this work? . . . As a divine institution, marriage has several inherent “powers” that we must accept and use—the power of truth, . . . of love, and . . . of grace. As we use each power in the life of our spouse, we will help him or her grow into a person who not only reflects the character of Christ, but who also can love us and help us . . . [especially] when we find it hard to love the semi-stranger to whom we are married. (Hardcover, pp. 136–37; paperback, pp. 149–50)

  MARRIAGE WITHOUT GRUMBLING. So what do you do when you discover the “honeymoon over”? In the short term you need some good theology. Fundamental is the humility that comes from the gospel. When disillusioned with your spouse, think of your own flaws and weaknesses that did not put God off from loving you. Also remember the wise and good plan of God, who “makes all things work together for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28). You are in this marital relationship by God’s design. Don’t be like the children of Israel who, when the going got tough, thought God was out to hurt them and grumbled constantly against him (Exodus 14:10, 16:2, 17:3). Use these two “theological tools” to help you learn to love an imperfect person.

  Reflection: Have you used the two theological resources mentioned here? Can you think of any others?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on the stories of Exodus 16 and 17. Then ask God to help you avoid a spirit of quiet grumbling in your heart against him. Ask, instead, for a sense of constant gratitude.

  August 25

  Marriage brings two human beings into closer contact than any other relationship can bring them. . . . The merged life of marriage brings you into the closest, most inescapable contact with another person possible. And that means not only that you see each other close up, but that you are forced to deal with the flaws and sins of one another. (Hardcover, pp. 137–38; paperback, p. 151)

  A UNIQUE VANTAGE POINT. Your spouse has a unique vantage point on you—closer than anyone else, but still outside. Have you ever heard a recording of yourself and thought, “That doesn’t sound like me at all”? You can’t really hear how you sound on the outside to others, since you hear yourself to a large degree through your own body. In the same way we may know about our flaws in the abstract but be oblivious to their impact on others. Marriage prevents us from “screening out” things in our character that don’t fit in with our self-image. For all these reasons our spouse may be able, in some ways, to see us better than we see ourselves.

  Reflection: Make a short list of flaws that your spouse has pointed out that you did not see well on your own.

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for the criticism you get from your spouse. And also ask for the ability to receive it gratefully from him or her.

  August 26

  What are the flaws that your spouse will see? You may be a fearful person, with a tendency toward great anxiety. You may be a proud person, with a tendency to be opinionated and selfish. You may be an inflexible person, with a tendency to be demanding and sulky if you don’t get your way. You may be an abrasive or harsh person, who people tend to respect more than they love. (Hardcover, p. 138; paperback, pp. 151–52)

  BLEMISHES: 1. It is easy to talk about “flaws” and “defects” in very general terms, but let’s not do that. For the next three days let’s consider the kinds of blemishes on our character that marriage can reveal. Here are four blemishes to consider: Are you what you call a “detail person” but what others call anxious and prone to worry too much? Are you selfish, so that you find sacrificing your rights for someone else to be very difficult? Are you what you call “very particular about things” but what others call rigid and prone to always
insist on doing things in your favorite way? Are you what you call a “straight talker” but what others call brusque and sharp-tongued?

  Reflection: Discuss these traits with your spouse. To what degree, if any, do they characterize you? Assuming they do not all apply, which ones do?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God for inner peace rather than anxiety, for a spirit of liberality to overcome stinginess, for graciousness rather than rigidity, and for gentleness instead of abrasiveness.

  August 27

  You may be an undisciplined person, with a tendency to be unreliable and disorganized. You may be an oblivious person, who tends to be distracted, insensitive, and unaware of how you come across to others. You may be a perfectionist, with a tendency to be very judgmental and critical of others, and also to get down on yourself. You may be an impatient, irritable person, with a tendency to hold grudges or to lose your temper too often. (Hardcover, p. 138; paperback, p. 152)

  BLEMISHES: 2. Let’s continue our look at the kind of character faults and failings that our spouse may discover. Here are four more: Are you what you call a “laid-back” person but what others call unreliable and undisciplined? Are you what you call “a bit absentminded” but what others call thoughtless and insensitive to others’ impressions and feelings? Are you what you call a “perfectionist” but what others call hypercritical? Are you what you call “impatient” but what others call short-tempered?

  Reflection: Discuss these traits with your spouse. To what degree, if any, do they characterize you?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God for self-control rather than an undisciplined spirit, for wise attentiveness rather than obliviousness, for a readiness to praise rather than a critical spirit, and for patience rather than constant frustration.

  August 28

  You may be a highly independent person, who does not like to be responsible for the needs of others, dislikes having to make joint decisions, and most definitely hates to ask for any help yourself. You may be a person who wants far too much to be liked, and so you . . . shade the truth . . . can’t keep secrets, and . . . work far too hard to please everyone. You may be thrifty but at the same time miserly with money. (Hardcover, p. 138; paperback, p. 152)

  BLEMISHES: 3. This is the final part of our list of character blemishes that create problems in marriage. Are you what you call a “self-reliant” person, but others see that you are proud and cannot ask for help? Are you what you call an “independent” person, but friends see that you hate it when others want a say in your decisions? Are you so eager to please that you shade the truth rather than upset them? Out of this need to please, do you have trouble saying no and so end up starting many more things than you can get done, which then fills you with self-pity and resentment? Are you what you call “thrifty” but what others call ungenerous?

  Reflection: Discuss these traits with your spouse. To what degree, if any, do they characterize you?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to prevent you from being a proud, controlling, duplicitous person or a needy, guilt-ridden, self-pitying person.

  August 29

  [W]hile your character flaws may have created mild problems for other people, they will create major problems for your spouse and your marriage. For example, a tendency to hold grudges could be a problem within friendships, but within marriage it can kill the relationship. No one else is as inconvenienced and hurt by your flaws as your spouse is. And therefore your spouse becomes more keenly aware of what is wrong with you than anyone else ever has been. (Hardcover, p. 139; paperback, p. 153)

  FEELING THE BLEMISHES. Your spouse may be wiser and more insightful than most people.94 But that is not necessary for him or her to know your faults better than anyone else, including you. A spouse is uniquely positioned to see into our hearts. While others may have seen your tendency to self-pity or resentment, your spouse not only sees it but feels it. Why? Because in marriage our sins are so often against our spouses. If you have a tendency to hold grudges, your spouse will not only learn about it, she or he will experience it personally. Even when we stay angry at someone else, it indirectly effects our spouses because it saps us of joy at home. Without seeking it, your spouse is the world’s expert on how you need to change.

  Reflection: Talk candidly with your spouse about the ways in which your sins, even when not directed at him or her, still indirectly affect and hurt.

  Thought for prayer: In one another’s presence, ask God’s forgiveness and your spouse’s forgiveness for all the ways your blemishes of character have hurt him or her and grieved God. Thank God for assured forgiveness in Jesus Christ.

  August 30

  [I]t isn’t ultimately your spouse who is exposing the sinfulness of your heart—it’s marriage itself. . . . Marriage shows you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention it. This may sound discouraging, but it is really the road to liberation. Counselors will rightly tell you that the only flaws that can enslave you are the ones that you are blind to. (Hardcover, p. 140; paperback, p. 154)

  ROAD TO LIBERATION. One of the greatest temptations in marriage is this—we blame our spouse for the conflicts rather than marriage itself. When two naturally self-centered persons are brought into the closest daily contact with someone, it inevitably brings about clashes of will. Even living with parents or children is less demanding, since they are not on the same plane—there is a hierarchy of authority. Nothing gives another human being a clearer sight of your inner life more than does marriage. Marriage inherently brings out and shows the worst in you. Don’t blame the spouse—it’s the marriage. But the only way to grow and change your flaws requires this kind of hard-won self-knowledge. So the conflicts of marriage are the road to liberation.

  Reflection: Can you think of other reasons or ways that marriage brings out and reveals our dark sides?

  Thoughts for prayer: First, ask God to help you to be grateful for the conflicts with and criticisms from your spouse. Then, relying on his help, thank him for them, and ask his aid in learning and growing through them.

  August 31

  Marriage brings out the worst in you. It doesn’t create your weaknesses (though you may blame your spouse for your blow-ups)—it reveals them. This is not a bad thing, though. . . . [No one says,] “Oh, I wish the doctor had never found that lump” [of cancer, for] . . . the consequences of being “spared all the trouble” would have been, in the end, far more deadly, far more trouble, than finding and treating the cancer while it was small and confined. (Hardcover, pp. 139–40; paperback, pp. 153–54)

  DON’T FEAR MARRIAGE. “In my marriage we are always fighting.” That sounds bad and certainly marriage shouldn’t be all conflict. But would you say, “Doctors’ examinations kept revealing things that needed treatment—so I stopped going”? That is certainly unpleasant, but no, you wouldn’t say that. In the same way, marriage could be thought of as God’s way to give you a spiritual examination in order to see what needs to be treated. Since many people get married in the earlier part of their lives, these sins are less entrenched and may be easier to address. Don’t fear or resent marriage for its power to show you where you are “sick”!

  Reflection: Think of some recent or ongoing conflict with your spouse. How does it help to think of this as a kind of “exam,” revealing something in your heart and character that needs to be treated?

  Thoughts for prayer: Meditate on 1 John 4:18, which teaches that the opposite of love is not hate but fear. Ask God to help you to sense his love for you and your spouse’s love for you so that you don’t fear the difficulties of marriage.

  September 1

  “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. . . . Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woma
n.” (1 Corinthians 6:12; 7:1)

  SEX AND THE CULTURE. Corinth offered a smorgasbord of sexual practices of all sorts.95 Some Christians there responded that since they were saved by grace, what they did sexually didn’t matter to God. “I have the right to do anything,” they are quoted as saying. Another party taught, on the contrary, that sexual relations are never good and should be avoided altogether (1 Corinthians 7:1). In his letter Paul steered a middle course between these extremes, but he was not merely splitting the difference.96 Both approaches let the culture rather than the gospel shape sexual behavior. Even the seemingly conservative approach assumed that the culture’s definition of sex—that it is a mere physical appetite and release—was the true one.97 It is the greatest challenge, in any cultural moment, to let biblical theology shape our vision and practice of sex.

  Reflection: In what specific ways has your attitude toward sex been more influenced by the culture’s practices than by biblical teaching?

  Prayer: Lord—my friends, my culture, and even my body are all, as it were, “speaking” to me about sex. How hard it is to listen to your Word and what the gospel says about it. Give me ears to hear you. Amen.

  September 2