The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. (1 Corinthians 6:12a)

  SELFISH SEX. Some Christians thought they were free to have sex as they wished. Our culture is even more intensely committed to personal freedom in sex. “What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is my business” is nearly a national motto! But Paul says sex must be beneficial, a word that means to build up others and especially to seek the common good (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:7).98 Wendell Berry argues that communities can only happen when people bind themselves to each other, voluntarily giving up much freedom. He says sex is a “nurturing discipline” or glue that binds two people together to provide long-term stability in a relationship that not only helps children to thrive, but also affects the larger community’s need for families. So our use of sex is other people’s business. We can use it to create community or simply for self-fulfillment.99

  Reflection: Think of all the ways that how you have sex does in fact have an effect on the society in which you live, and therefore is not strictly your business alone.

  Prayer: Lord, I thank you for this reminder that I should not be thinking about sex preoccupied with my needs and what brings me pleasure, but how our love-making can build up my spouse. If you give us both this same mind, how our marriage will sing! Amen.

  September 3

  “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12b)

  ENSLAVING SEX. Paul gives a second reason we are not free to have sex with whomever we wish. He says literally, “I have the power to do to anything, but I won’t let anything have power over me.”100 How can sex put us under its power? There are so many ways. We can become sexually intoxicated by someone of flawed character who leads us into an unwise relationship. We can have sex with different people out of a need for approval or as a way of proving ourselves. Having sex outside of marriage can weaken its natural “commitment apparatus” so that sex no longer enables us to give ourselves as deeply to someone (see March 5). All these quite common ways of having sex are hardening, disempowering, and enslaving.

  Reflection: Make your own list of the ways that sex can master you if you think that it is merely something you are doing for your own enjoyment.

  Prayer: Lord, help me see the things that spiritually enslave me even as they pose as empowerment. Remind me daily that only faithful service to you through your Word is perfect freedom.101 Amen.

  September 4

  You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. (1 Corinthians 6:13–14)

  THE IMPORTANCE OF THE BODY. The Greeks and Romans believed that sex, like eating, was not a matter of morality but only an appetite that had to be satiated. Food and body were temporary, unlike the soul (“God will destroy them both”) and so were of no spiritual consequence. Paul differs strongly. He argues that the body is not temporary—it will be redeemed and resurrected. And so what we do with our body is all-important. Our body belongs to the Lord and, as we will see in the next two days, how we love with it must align with how God loves.102 Paul’s teaching is relevant in our culture, which has in some measure reverted to this older view.

  Reflection: Modern culture thinks that, because of our more strict sexual ethic, Christians have a “lower” view of the human body. In your own words, give a counterargument.

  Prayer: Lord, I praise you that you promise to redeem not just our souls but our bodies, too. Above all I thank you, Lord Jesus, for taking a body in order to save us. For all these reasons, I want to honor you with my body. Help me to do that. Amen.

  September 5

  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:15–17)

  THE MEANING OF THE BODY. Ancient cultures saw the body as a discardable container of the soul. Christianity taught, on the contrary, that it was the soul’s integral expression, a crucial part of who we are, and so to fit your bodies together physically should always be part of uniting your lives in every aspect. In 1 Corinthians 6 Paul is saying that it is a monstrous incongruity to activate the “one flesh” apparatus of sex and then not follow through by giving everything else. “Paul . . . here displays a psychological insight into human sexuality which is altogether exceptional by first-century standards . . . he insists that it is an act which . . . engages and expresses the whole personality in such a way as to constitute a unique mode of self-disclosure and self-commitment.”103

  Reflection: Modern culture has reverted to the ancient belief that the body is the prison house of the soul and not its integral expression. What are other implications of this view for our understanding of sex and gender?

  Prayer: Lord, in this sinful world our bodies are flawed, subject to weakness, and nothing like what they will be in the resurrection. Help me to see my body as the a great gift from you, and help me to honor you in all the ways I treat it and use it. Amen.

  September 6

  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” . . . Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? (1 Corinthians 6:15–16, 19)

  THE SIGNPOST OF SEX. While Christianity’s sex ethic seemed more restrictive, its underlying vision was infinitely higher. Paul taught it was “something of transcendent significance. The body is a temple, a site of sacred communication. The [ancients] urged self-control, on the grounds that physical pleasure was . . . distraction from the virtuous life. Paul does so because sex implicates us in something with sacred significance.”104 In Christ God has given himself to us and we to him so wholly that even our body parts are one with him. And so when we give ourselves in body to another human being, it must imitate God’s saving love in an exclusive, permanent, whole-life union. Sex anticipates the unimaginable bliss of full union with the Lord in love.105

  Reflection: In our culture, Christianity’s sex ethic again seems too restrictive and many of your friends certainly think so. How can you communicate to them and your children not just the sex ethic but also the underlying vision?

  Prayer: Lord, help us to remember, amidst the joy and even playfulness of sex, its solemn importance and the great thing of which it is but a foretaste. And let that only enhance our joy. Amen.

  September 7

  Flee from sexual immorality. (1 Corinthians 6:18)

  PORNEIA. The Greek word porneia is translated “sexual immorality.” Commonly it meant prostitution, but in the Greek Old Testament it was used to refer to spiritual adultery, the worship of other gods besides the Lord. Paul took it and filled it with distinctively Christian content. It meant any sexuality that did not reflect the divine, saving love, one that brought about union between two deeply different beings—God and humanity—and one that brought about an exclusive, permanent relationship. The word porneia, then, meant that any sex outside a covenant of marriage between a man and a woman was a “religious betrayal” of God.106 Both in their sexual practices and in their view of the deep significance of sex (see yesterday’s devotional) were one of the main ways in which Christians differed from those around them.107

  Reflection: For the early Christians sex was a witness to the world, signifying care and community rather than glamour, performance, and self-fulfillment. Could it be that way again? Discuss togethe
r.

  Prayer: Lord, thank for you for what you’ve taught us this week. Let our sexual life together be a witness to your character and love, particularly for our friends and our children. Amen.

  September 8

  [It’s typical to say,] “I need to find someone better than this.” But . . . [in] Christian marriage . . . the “someone better” you can think of [is] the future version of the same person to whom you are already married. . . . (Hardcover, p. 144; paperback p. 159) It will help a great deal to say, “I hate it when he does that, but that is not truly him. That is not permanent.” (Hardcover, p. 143; paperback, p. 158)

  NO TURNING BACK. When we argue with our spouse over certain issues it can be tempting to think that, if we had a better, more thoughtful, more insightful, kinder, [fill in the blank] spouse, we would not be fighting. But there are two problems with that thinking. First, if it is marriage itself that reveals our dark side, then another spouse will not eliminate the conflicts. If anything, changing spouses may mean starting all over on the same issues. So make progress and change now. Second, while you might possibly reap benefits from a “better” spouse, assume that your improved spouse is the future version of your current one. Marriage is about a journey together toward the better selves God is making us. Don’t turn back.

  Reflection: Think of an issue that causes periodic, repeated conflicts. Now, together, think of one significant change both of you could make that might lessen or eliminate the fights.

  Thought for prayer: Remember Abraham, who was given a promise of a family that did not come true for decades, yet he remained faithful in his confidence that it would be fulfilled. Ask God for the same patience and pray that both of you will grow into the people he wants you to be.

  September 9

  You come into marriage with a self-image, an assessment of your worth. It is the sign of many verdicts passed upon you over the years by a great variety of people . . . [who have] called you good and bad, worthy and unworthy, promising and hopeless. . . . If it were made visible it might look something like the Frankenstein monster, with many disparate parts. However, perhaps the most damaging statements that have ever been said about us are those things we have said and do say about ourselves to ourselves. (Hardcover, pp. 146–47; paperback, p. 162)

  A WORD FROM OUTSIDE. Our culture tells us to decide who we want to be, to “live our own truth,” and to affirm and validate ourselves. “Don’t care what anyone else thinks,” we are told. But that is impossible. We are irreducibly relational creatures, and we need a word of affirmation from outside. But when we look for it, we discover that people can’t agree on even basic definitions of good and evil. Some people will praise you and others condemn or mock you. While we quickly forget the praise, the criticism tends to stick. Our self-image is, therefore, a patchwork of internalized, contradictory assessments from different people over the years. Whose view of us gets to overrule everyone else’s?

  Reflection: Think of the various “layers” of your self-image—the layer put there by parents and siblings, by friends, by teachers and coaches, by the popular culture and media, by politics, by your faith. Which of these layers is the most dominant?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 86:11: “Unite my heart to fear your name.”108 Then ask God to heal and unite the contradictory feelings you have about yourself, bringing them together in the gospel, which tells you that you are a great sinner but also a loved child.

  September 10

  Marriage puts into your spouse’s hand a massive power to reprogram your own self-appreciation. He or she can overturn anything previously said about you, to a great degree redeeming the past . . . [and healing] you of many of the deepest wounds. Why? If all the world says you are ugly, but your spouse says you are beautiful, you feel beautiful. To paraphrase a passage of Scripture, your heart may condemn you, but your spouse’s opinion is greater than your heart. (Hardcover, p. 147; paperback, p. 163)

  THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION. Our self-image is the aggregation of many “verdicts” that have been passed on to us over the years. Some were good and some were bad and your heart is deeply divided over which verdicts to believe and how to assess yourself. The ultimate solution to this identity problem is the gospel. Christ covers all your sins and gives a final verdict of “not guilty—and fully loved, in me” (cf. Galatians 3:10–14; Romans 8:1). But the wonderful fact is that a good spouse can provide a foreshadowing and a representation of that amazing love. He or she can say, “I see all your sins but I love you fully, forever.” As a spouse, do you see the power for good that you have?

  Reflection: Recall a time in which your spouse affirmed you and lifted you up despite the counterevidence of your flaws and failures.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on John 19:30 (Jesus’s cry, “It is finished!”) and Romans 8:1: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” In light of these promises, praise God, thank him, and confess ways you fail to accept these truths.

  September 11

  [B]ecause marriage . . . brings you into the closest possible contact, a positive assessment by your spouse has ultimate credibility. If someone I know a little comes up to me and says, “You are one of the kindest men I know,” I will certainly feel complimented and pleased. But . . . he doesn’t really know me. . . . But if my wife, after years of living with me, says, “You are one of the kindest men I know,” . . . [t]hat affirmation is profoundly comforting . . . [b]ecause she knows me better than anyone. (Hardcover, p. 148; paperback, pp. 163–64)

  THE PENULTIMATE SOLUTION. A spouse’s uniquely intimate knowledge can and often does lead to painful critique and conflict. But when he or she, despite seeing all that is wrong with you, nevertheless praises and affirms you, the effect is powerful. Criticism always stays with us longer than commendations. Why? All human beings have a primordial sense that we are not what we should be (cf. Genesis 3:7). It is not easy to overcome that baseline sense of shame. Yet spouses can do it, because when they compliment you, they do it with full knowledge of your flaws. When the thoughtful, sincere praise comes, deep down you can’t help but think something like, “If she says that, I guess it’s true.”

  Reflection: Think of other reasons that the testimony of your spouse to your gifts and growth is so formative and powerful.

  Thought for prayer: In each other’s presence, thank God for the ways that the affirmation of the other has comforted you deeply, and ask God for the ability to use well and wisely your power to bless the other.

  September 12

  And if, over the years, you have grown to love and admire your spouse more and more, then his or her praise will get more and more strengthening and healing. As Faramir says to Sam Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: “The praise of the praiseworthy is above all rewards.” To be highly esteemed by someone you highly esteem is the greatest thing in the world. (Hardcover, p. 148; paperback, p. 164)

  ADORED BY THE ADORED. One reason that we find spouses’ affirmation so powerful is that they know us. Here is a second reason: a compliment from an admirable person is always more uplifting than approval from a person you don’t respect. You marry a person that you admire, and so right from the start his or her approval means a lot. But as the years go by, if you both grow in grace and Christlike character and you come to admire and adore your spouse more and more, then the effect of any praise from the other becomes transformative. To be adored by someone you adore is like heaven. And that is what heaven will be like (1 John 3:2).

  Reflection: Discuss with your spouse the place in your life where you need his or her encouragement and affirmation more.

  Thought for reflection: Realizing that your power to bless and build up your spouse depends in part on his or her respect for your growth and character, ask God to help you grow in grace (2 Peter 3:18) so your ability to affirm and bless your spouse will have the greatest effect.

  September 13


  In Christ, God sees us as righteous, holy, and beautiful (2 Corinthians 5:21). . . . Jesus has the ability to overcome everything anyone has ever said about or to you. . . . Sometimes your spouse points you directly to Jesus’s love. Sometimes your spouse’s affirmation . . . stimulates us to more fully believe and accept the love we have in Christ. So, more than any other human relationship, marriage has a unique power to heal all hurts and convince us of our own distinctive beauty and worth. (Hardcover, p. 149; paperback, pp. 164–65)

  THE POETRY OF THE HEART. Certainly the primary relationship of love we need is with God. But remember that though Adam was sinless, there was an emptiness that a relationship with God alone could not satisfy—a need for human love that the Creator had put into him. When Adam looks at Eve for the first time, he says, in the first poetry in the Bible: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). This was at the same time a covenant commitment as well as an explosive outburst of lyrical joy for her.109 The power of our spouse to give us a Christlike approval and healing love is vividly foreshadowed here. Know the power you have to build up your partner.

  Reflection: Discuss with your spouse an additional place in your life (see yesterday’s devotional) where you need his or her encouragement and affirmation more.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to keep you from being too busy, tired, and distracted to accomplish one of your main callings in life—the edification of your spouse in love. Ask him or her to help you keep this in the forefront of your mind and attention.