A Season for Goodbye

by Lurlene McDaniel

  She was relieved that they weren’t shouting at each other. “My diabetes catches me off guard sometimes too,” she said. “Let me forget one meal and I have an insulin reaction. Then I get reminded all over again that it’s a part of me. Remember last spring when you visited me in the hospital?”

  “I remember.”

  “You told me that I had to make peace with my diabetes. That I had to work out some kind of peaceful coexistence or it would destroy me. I’ve never forgotten what you said. And I am taking care of myself.” She reached out and covered his hand resting on the sheet. Touching him felt good and natural and she realized all over again how much he meant to her. Why couldn’t she communicate that to him? Why did they always end up fighting? “I’d do anything for you, Jeff. All you have to do is ask.”

  “I know you’re grateful to me because I stuck by you when you were in the hospital. Which is more than any girl has ever done when she sees me like this.” He gestured toward the IV line. “I am glad you’re here.” He glanced toward the closed door. “Did any others come?”

  Lacey remembered Katie, Chelsea, and DJ waiting in the hall. Still, she was reluctant to let them in just yet. There was so much more she wanted to say to Jeff. “Yes, they’re outside.”

  “DJ too?”

  She nodded.

  “I want them to come in. I especially want DJ to know he’s not to blame for this.”

  Lacey felt a twinge of guilt, remembering how she’d blasted DJ in the waiting room. “I’m sure he’s figured it out.”

  “Tell them to come in,” Jeff said. She hesitated, and Jeff added, “We’ll talk more later. I know things aren’t settled between us.”

  Lacey opened the door, allowing their friends to enter. Once they surmised that Jeff was truly doing well, they joked with him, staying on until a nurse told them visiting hours were over. Kimbra drove everyone back to Jenny House, where they arrived in time for dinner. Lacey ate quickly, put away her tray, and left the cafeteria. She had something to take care of and she didn’t want to put it off any longer.

  She made her way down to the stables in the darkness. A soft breeze stirred in the pine trees and carried the scent of wild mountain flowers. She felt a deep sense of longing for Jeff and thought of him confined to his hospital bed. She was sorry they’d fought that afternoon. Why couldn’t she make him understand what she felt for him? How could she make him see that while she hated his hemophiliac condition, it didn’t change the way she felt about him as a person? She disliked all sickness; she wasn’t discriminating against his. She sighed, tired of wrestling with the problem.

  The stables came into sight and she reminded herself of what she’d come to do. As she walked along the front of the stables, curious horses poked their heads over the open half-doors of their stalls and pricked their ears forward. Some snickered and neighed softly, flaring their nostrils to catch her scent. She continued on to the lighted tack room at the end of the barn. At the closed door, she paused and rapped gently.

  “Who’s there?” DJ asked.

  “Lacey Duval.” She entered the room and saw DJ sitting on a stool working on a saddle with paste wax and a rag. He looked up, surprise registering on his face. “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Soaping a saddle. It keeps the leather supple.” He eyed her cautiously. “Do you need something?”

  “You didn’t come to dinner tonight.”

  “I decided to eat here at the stables.”

  “Are the horses better company than people?”

  “Sometimes.”

  She cleared her throat. “Listen, I came to say I’m sorry for the way I lit into you at the hospital this afternoon. I know it really wasn’t your fault that Jeff got kicked. I—um—was mad about the accident and spouted off without thinking.” She offered a sly smile. “My friends who know me say this is one tiny weeny flaw of mine—I sometimes speak without thinking. I do a lot of apologizing for it.”

  DJ listened attentively, then returned to buffing the saddle. “No problem. I didn’t take offense.”

  She had more to say and wondered how best to broach the subject of Chelsea with him. “Are you having a good time this summer?”

  “It’s okay.”

  “Just okay?”

  “I should be back home helping on the ranch. We’ll be driving the cattle down from the upper ranges in another month. It’s a big job and Dad needs all the hands he can get.”

  “We’ll all be home again in another month, so you should be able to help.” She wandered over to where he worked and fingered bridles hanging on hooks along the wall. “I met Jillian. I liked her.”

  DJ stopped buffing at the mention of his sister. “When did you meet her?”

  “Last November, when she and Katie and Chelsea flew up in your father’s private plane. Katie had sent me air fare, and Mr. Holloway and I met their plane when it landed. We stayed at Jenny House together over the holiday.”

  DJ went back to his work.

  “I didn’t want to like her, you know. I thought she was an intruder into my friendships with Katie and Chelsea. But no matter how hard I tried to not like her, it didn’t work.”

  “Yeah, everybody liked Jillian.”

  “I think that’s because she liked everybody. She even liked me.” DJ gave her a questioning look and she smiled candidly. “I know I can grate on people’s nerves sometimes.”

  “Sometimes,” he said.

  “Do you know who she liked best of all though?”

  “Who?”

  “Chelsea.” She saw him tense at the mention of the name. “That’s why it would probably bother the stew out of her if she knew how you were treating Chelsea.”

  “What do you mean? I treat Chelsea fine.”

  “You treat her like a criminal.”

  “Now wait a minute—”

  “No. It’s about time someone told you how much you’re hurting Chelsea by the way you’re ignoring her.” Lacey hadn’t raised her voice. She kept it steady and matter-of-fact. “You leave the room every time she comes in. You don’t speak to her unless she speaks first. You’re downright rude. Why do you suppose you act that way toward her?”

  “I treat her the way I do everybody else.”

  “No, you don’t. Do you want to know what I think?”

  He was beginning to look angry. “Not particularly.”

  She ignored his answer. “I think you’re mad at her because she lived and your sister died.”

  “I know it wasn’t her fault she got transplanted and Jillian didn’t. I don’t blame Chelsea.”

  “Maybe you know it up here.” She tapped her finger against his temple. “But you don’t believe it right here.” She placed her hand on his shirtfront, against his heart. “Don’t feel bad; I’ve read that it’s a common problem among survivors.”

  “Survivors?”

  “Yeah … the people left behind when a person they love dies. Anyway, you’ve been less than nice to Chelsea, and it’s hurting her feelings. And I’m mentioning it to you so that you can make it up to her.”

  He stood and heaved the saddle onto the floor. “For starters, I don’t know how to make something up to Chelsea when I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. And besides that, I’ve got plenty to do to keep me busy here at the stables. I don’t have time to hang around up at Jenny House making friends with the visitors.”

  “Chelsea isn’t just a visitor,” Lacey corrected. “She was Jillian’s best friend. And she deserves better treatment from you.” She watched his jaw clench, but he didn’t lash out at her. “So, anyway, that’s what I came down here to say. I mean, after I told you I was sorry about blaming you for Jeff’s accident.” Still, DJ said nothing. “Guess I’ll be going now.” Lacey walked to the doorway, where she paused. “Will you think about what I said?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Believe me, DJ, your being nice to Chelsea is what Jillian would have wanted.” Lacey stepped outside, released her bottled-up tension i
n one long breath, then started up the trail leading to the House. She felt pleased. Satisfied that she’d spoken her mind without getting angry or overly sarcastic. Good job, she told herself as she walked along. Now if only she could deal with Jeff in the same dispassionate manner. But dealing with Jeff was never easy for her. The problem there was that she was in love with Jeff. And it was hard for her to remain neutral when her heart was at stake.

  I’ll find a way, she thought. I will!

  Seventeen

  “I THINK WE should throw a party for him,” Chelsea said. She and her friends were sitting at the breakfast table debating the best way to welcome Jeff home from his week-long stay at the hospital. “I remember how special I felt when you gave me that surprise birthday party last summer.”

  “I don’t know,” Lacey said. “Last night when I visited Jeff, he told me all he wanted to do was come back and get to work without any fanfare. Besides, he’s on crutches and a party might be awkward. I mean, what can he do except sit around watching everybody else have fun?”

  “So what?” Katie piped in. “Since when did you ever do exactly what someone asked?”

  “I’m turning over a new leaf,” Lacey protested. “Especially with Jeff.”

  Chelsea traded glances with Katie. “The kids in his room want to throw a party too,” Chelsea said. “They’ve talked to me about it and I don’t think we should disappoint them. They like Jeff a lot and they’ve missed him.”

  “Kimbra says she’ll special-order a cake. Come on. It’ll be fun.” Katie fidgeted in her chair. Warm August sunlight flooded through the windows, turning the paper tablecloth a brilliant, sun-washed shade of white.

  “He may not like it,” Lacey warned.

  “He’ll love it,” Katie said, snatching up her tray. “We’ll plan more later. Right now, I have to take a group down to the pool for swimming.”

  From the corner of her eye, Chelsea saw Josh heading toward their table and wondered if Katie’s sudden departure was due entirely to group swimming. It was obvious to her that something was wrong between the two of them. Katie was purposefully avoiding Josh.

  Lost in her own thoughts, Lacey hadn’t noticed anything. “If Jeff bites my head off, I’m telling him this wasn’t my idea,” she grumbled.

  “And if he loves it, you can take full credit,” Chelsea said. “Which you probably will anyway.” She observed Josh attempt to stop Katie’s retreat from the cafeteria and saw her friend brush him off. The wounded expression on his face tugged at Chelsea’s heartstrings. “Let’s talk about this later,” she said, standing and picking up her tray.

  “Why is everyone running off?”

  “Places to go. People to see,” Chelsea said with a big smile.

  “Thanks a bunch. Leave me alone to organize all the details.” Lacey hunched down in her chair and Chelsea hurried toward Josh.

  “Wait up,” she called. “Where’re you headed?”

  “No place, it seems.” He was still looking at the doorway through which Katie had fled.

  “Want to take a walk with me?”

  “I won’t be much company.”

  “Oh, come on. I need my exercise.”

  They went outside into the escalating summer heat. The leaves lay limp and listless on the trees and the air felt hot and heavy on Chelsea’s skin. She chose a hiking trail, wandering down the path slowly with a reluctant Josh. Sounds of laughter coming from the pool shattered the green stillness of the woods. They walked in silence, with Chelsea taking covert sidelong glances at Josh’s troubled face until she finally worked up the courage to ask, “Want to talk about it?”

  “About what?”

  “You and Katie. I know something’s wrong between you two.” He said nothing. She persisted. “I know her better than anybody. Josh. I lived with her while waiting for my transplant, remember? I can read her like a book and I know when something’s bothering her. And I know when something’s bothering you too.”

  His shoulders slumped and he stopped walking. “I’m losing her.”

  “How do you mean?”

  He told her briefly about their ongoing discussion of Katie’s going away to college. And of how much he wanted her to stay in Michigan and be with him.

  “We all know about the scholarship offer,” Chelsea said. “What I don’t understand is why you think she’ll forget you and all that you’ve meant to each other simply because she takes it.”

  “Come on. Katie’s a real babe. She’ll get out there and forget all about me.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  He took his time answering. “Do you know about Garrison?”

  “A little.”

  “She was interested in him. Really interested. I got jealous and made her stay away from him, but I know she’d have dated him if I hadn’t acted like a pit bull.”

  Chelsea smiled at his description of himself. “Katie’s pretty headstrong. If Garrison really meant that much to her, she’d have dated him.”

  “Did you know he came up here a few weeks ago and saw her?”

  Chelsea hadn’t known because Katie hadn’t told her. It bothered her, but she didn’t want to let on to Josh. “So what? She didn’t run off with him, did she?”

  Her reasoning didn’t appear to comfort him. He tossed back his head and stared up at patches of blue sky through the tree branches. “All we do anymore is fight, Chelsea. I want things to be like they used to be. Like when she was in the hospital and training for the Transplant Olympic Games. Things were good then. She loved me then.”

  The soft wistful longing in his voice almost brought tears to Chelsea’s eyes. “She still loves you. She just wants to live a little. Go after her dreams.”

  “And I’m standing in her way. Is that it? I have dreams too, you know. And they all center around Katie.”

  Chelsea felt a twinge of envy. Why couldn’t a boy feel that way toward her? “Maybe that’s the problem,” Chelsea offered, focusing again on Josh. “Maybe it would be better if you had other plans and dreams too. I don’t think anybody likes to feel that she’s somebody else’s purpose for living. It can make a person feel hemmed in. You know?”

  “But I don’t know what else to want, except Katie.”

  “You ran track too, didn’t you?”

  “Sure, but I was never a star. I don’t have the talent she has.”

  “You’re going to college though, aren’t you?”

  “I’ll have to work and I’ll be living with Gramps, but yes, I’m going. I won’t be able to take a full course load either. And I have no idea what I’ll major in.”

  “All Katie wants to do is run, Josh. In four years, it’ll be over for her. Then she can be with you.”

  “But what if something happens to her? What if her transplant rejects—?” He stopped, mid-sentence, realizing who he was talking to.

  “It’s all right,” Chelsea said. “Katie and I live with that possibility every day. We know that anything over five years is a bonus for us.”

  “And she’s already had her heart for two years.” Josh sounded impassioned. “Four years away at college will be four years less I have to spend with her. She’s already living on borrowed time.”

  “Who isn’t?” Chelsea said quietly. “Did your brother expect to die so soon? Or Amanda and Jillian?”

  He shook his head sadly. Chelsea took a deep breath and continued. “Katie and I both know the odds we face. If we lived every day in fear of the odds, we’d never accomplish anything. I know what it is to live scared, Josh. It’s not much fun. I’m trying hard to be more daring, more adventurous. It’s an everyday struggle, but it’s worth it to me.”

  “It’s hard to let her go.” His voice was a fervent whisper.

  She tipped her head thoughtfully. “I spent many years too sick to do anything—not even leave my bedroom. I read a lot. Books, and the places they took me, became my only escape.”

  “Until you discovered Virtual Reality.”

  She smiled. “Katie intro
duced me. But, even now, books are some of my best friends. And I read something once that’s always stuck with me. It was a proverb or something. It said, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it loves you, it’ll come back.’ What do you think of that saying?”

  He studied her for a long time before speaking. “I think the writer of that proverb never loved Katie O’Roark. And never lost the people in his life that he loved. I think that the writer hasn’t a clue about how lonely a person feels when the people he loves disappear from his life one by one.”

  “In my honest opinion. Josh, Katie cares enough about you that you can make her reject the track scholarship.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  Chelsea nodded, though she felt disappointed by the eagerness she heard in his voice. “What you have to decide,” she added, “is what’s more important to you—your happiness or Katie’s.”

  “I can make Katie happy,” Josh insisted. “And once she starts running track for Michigan, she’ll forget all about moving off to Arizona. That’s what I want her to understand. She has the same opportunities by staying at home that she does by moving away. And you’ve just helped me see it more clearly.” He grinned, and for the first time that morning, he looked relieved. “Thanks, Chelsea. I’m glad we talked.”

  “Yes, but-”

  “Look, I want to get back to the House. Mind if I jog on ahead?”

  “No problem,” she said. He waved and started up the trail. She felt confused and apprehensive. She’d hoped to help Katie’s situation with college and track, and now it seemed that she might have hurt her. The air felt as if it was closing in on her. She took a long shuddering breath. “Oh, Katie,” she whispered. “What have I done?”

  Eighteen

  LACEY DECIDED THAT Jeff’s surprise party should be a hayride in the moonlight for all the kids and staff of Jenny House.

  “A hayride?” Dullas squawked when she heard the plan that night in their room. She wrinkled her nose. “What a dumb idea.”

  “Excuse me,” Lacey said, eyeing her narrowly. “Since when is any idea of mine dumb? This way Jeff can ride to a place where we’ll set up a bonfire, roast hot dogs and marshmallows, and have cake. I only have another couple of weeks to soften him up before we all have to head home. I’m convinced that a nice leisurely ride in the moonlight will give him lots of time to snuggle with me. You’re just lucky I’m allowing everybody else to share in the experience.”