Blending In

by RJ Blain

  “From my understanding of the situation, I’ll be surprised if they want to see you ever again after this,” my former lover muttered.

  I laughed. “They’d demand I return every year as a form of penance for my bad behavior.”

  “Also a strong possibility. I don’t think you’re winning this one.”

  “I’ll just have to be so poorly behaved tonight I’m banned from attending services again.” I lifted my chin, huffed, and strode towards the double doors to begin my mission of naughtiness.

  Chase matched my stride and offered me his arm. “If you come in with a man on each arm, you’ll send the wrong impression.”

  I laughed and linked my arm with his. “You’ll be scandalous enough, I’m certain. It’ll be scandalous enough bringing Gavin into the church where he can potentially seduce proper Catholic girls. He has a reputation.”

  “It’s not a good one,” Gavin muttered.

  Chase laughed and glanced over his shoulder at the divine. “You only have yourself to blame for that.”

  “It’s okay, Chase. Within the next five minutes, I’m going to ruin your reputation, too. It takes skill to ruin a divine’s reputation.” I laughed and pulled Chase along with me. “Have you been to Midnight Mass before?”

  “I think I went to church once when I was five because my grandparents took me. I’m not sure why. Honestly, I’m more impressed you got my parents to agree to come. With the way they act, they have allergies to organized religion.”

  “High potential for amusement,” Chase’s father replied.

  “Well, there are some rules you should pretend to know. When we’re ambushed by the nice greeters, take the papers they give you. It’s an instruction manual for surviving Midnight Mass. Just look like you know what you’re doing, don’t be shy about singing, as frankly, half the congregation couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket if their lives depended on it, so you’re not going to hurt anything that way. I’m pretty sure a few of the older folks compete to see who can sing the worst and the loudest at the same time.”

  Chase grimaced. “It’s a singalong?”

  “It’s only an hour and a half. You’ll survive. There’s food afterwards as a consolation prize for surviving. When it’s time to take communion, just sit tight, and if you get suckered into joining the line, cross your hands over your heart. That’s the respectful way of refusing the communion but still getting the blessing.”

  “How often do you get suckered into joining the line?”

  “If by suckered you mean forcibly dragged, every year. Caleb will throw the fit to end all fits if he can’t get his blessing. Sorry, Gavin. He’s going to drag you up there.”

  Gavin stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “I have to get blessed by another religion’s priest?”

  “Remember what I said about making our son cry?”

  “With unfortunate clarity.”

  “I have my gun in my purse, and I will shove it up your lanky white ass and fire if you put up a fight or refuse the blessing. You will play nice with the clergy of the opposing faith. Understood?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Good. Now get in there and look excited,” I ordered.

  Chase bowed his head and laughed. “You amaze me.”

  “This is what happens when a woman gets tired of blending in, Chase,” I announced. “For once in my life, I’m going to get exactly what I want. Right now, that’s making sure Caleb gets his Midnight Mass. You’re also not allowed to escape.”

  “I’m all right with this as long as you don’t shove your gun up my ass and pull the trigger.”

  “You’re safe. I have other plans for you, plans I can’t complete if did such a thing. Anyway, Gavin’s a divine. It’d probably tickle if I did snap and do that.”

  “Good to know.”

  Inside, chaos waited for me, and my parents leveled their worst glares in my direction. To prevent World War III from breaking out in my pew, I sat between my mother and Caleb, and in an asshole move I wouldn’t forgive any time soon, they had positioned themselves so Chase, his parents, Tiana, and Gavin were stuck in the row behind us. Had my parents been thinking, they would’ve kept the troublemakers close at hand.

  Midnight Mass started off well enough, but within five minutes, the back two pews turned into my living hell.

  If Gavin blew in my ear one more time, I’d crawl over the pew and beat him senseless. To complicate matters, Chase found the whole thing amusing, and between the standing, the kneeling, the standing, the sitting, and the off-tune singing bound to give anyone with functional hearing a migraine, I’d be amazed if I survived until midnight.

  Every time we stood to sing, a troublemaker behind me would start something, usually Gavin with his tendency to try to annoy me into killing him.

  I made it through Silent Night without trying to kill someone, but my serenity didn’t last. I had no idea where Chase’s father had found a death metal version of Joy to the World, but the bastard stuck an earbud in my ear, cranked the volume, and before I comprehended what he was doing or why, I was tapping my toes and bobbing my head to the beat.

  I smacked onto the pew as a chameleon, and before I could escape, Chase’s father snatched me around the middle and held me up while singing at the top of his lungs.

  Hissing and biting the man did nothing to free me from my predicament.

  My mother screamed and fainted, my father gaped, and Chase howled with laughter.

  “Oops,” Gavin announced as the entire church fell silent. “Sorry about that.”

  Chase’s father continued to belt out Joy to the World while waving me in the air.

  To add to my humiliation, Chase’s mother placed a Santa hat on my head and took a picture of me. “I never knew church could be so much fun.”

  We were going to hell.

  I expected my son to have the meltdown to end all meltdowns, but instead of screaming that I’d ruined Midnight Mass for him, he hopped onto the pew, and said, “Forgive us, Father, for we have sinned.”

  Chase took me from his father and whispered to me, “When we get home, I know what you should do.”

  I stared at him quizzically.

  A slow smile spread across his lips and brightened his eyes. Then, once certain he had my attention, he murmured, “You should confess. I can’t wait to hear you say, ‘Sorry, Daddy. I’ve been naughty.’”

  Ho, ho, ho, and a Merry Christmas to me.

  Somehow, we weren’t evicted from Midnight Mass, which I considered a miracle. With a little help from Gavin, my mother recovered from fainting, and he confessed in front of the entire church he was a jealous divine and had cursed me because I’d refused to marry him due to his lecherous ways. I would’ve been okay with it if he’d stopped there, but the divine went on and on about my better qualities.

  Then, in typical Gavin fashion, he tossed Chase right under the bus and declared him the better man in front of everyone.

  The benefit of being a chameleon involved changing colors and hiding. The damned red and white hat betrayed me, and I grabbed it and did my best to beat Gavin to death with it.

  Chase had no trouble restraining me.

  Midnight Mass resumed, the troublemakers behaved, and Gavin returned me to my seat and my human form. Since he had no shame and a love of humor, the hat transformed with me, and he used his divine magic to ensure it wasn’t going anywhere without his permission.

  “Death is too good of a fate for you,” I hissed at him in a lull between the sitting, the standing, and the kneeling.

  Since one divine wasn’t sufficient to turn Midnight Mass into a circus no one would forget, an angel made an appearance, and he sat on the end of the pew next to Gavin.

  Rather than smiting the interloping divine, the two chatted like old friends.

  I worried the poor priest trying to lead Midnight Mass might suffer from a heart attack before the end of it.

  When communion finally came around, Caleb grabbed hold of my hand twisted a
round in his pew, and snatched his father’s hand, too. He cast a desperate look at Chase, and I fought my urge to laugh.

  Chase chuckled, rose, and ruffled my son’s hair. “Your mother taught me how to fend off the priest, so I should survive this.”

  I clamped my lips together so I wouldn’t giggle.

  Either to keep us out of trouble or help with the blessings, the angel tagged along, and no one faced eternal damnation by the time the priest welcomed Christmas at the stroke of midnight.

  The instant Midnight Mass ended, I fled the church. Caleb laughed, grabbed my hand, and dug in his heels. “We can’t leave yet, Mom!”

  Like hell I couldn’t. I shot Gavin a glare and mouthed a fate worse than death and eternal damnation on him if he didn’t free me.

  “Caleb, you get me for the reception tonight. Your mother needs to go home and make sure everything is ready for tomorrow. She’s had a long day. You’re not going to miss the reception, but your mother would appreciate the few extra minutes to make things perfect for tomorrow morning.”

  Gavin would survive until tomorrow morning if Caleb cooperated.

  My son narrowed his eyes. “And you’re not going to try to get out of presents tomorrow?”

  “Of course not. Have I ever tried to get out of presents?” I wrinkled my nose at my son. “Your presents are safe. Unless you have a meltdown. You know the rule.”

  Caleb crossed his heart. “I’ll be good, promise.”

  “Stay with your father and don’t cause any trouble, okay?”

  “I will. You sure you don’t want to come? They might have chicken.”

  I admired my son’s ruthlessness. “I’ll survive the night without chicken.”

  Gavin faked a swoon.

  “And you promise there will be presents tomorrow?”

  “I promise there will be presents tomorrow.”

  “Okay. If you need to go to bed early because you’re tired, it’s okay. Dad promised me he’d handle the reception.”

  Gavin smirked at me. “Go home and get some sleep, Miriah.”

  The divine smirked, and I had no doubt the bastard knew what I had in mind—or had heard Chase’s comment. I bet on both. “Have a good night. I’ll see you in the morning, Caleb.” I paused long enough to kiss my son’s cheek before retreating to Chase’s car.

  Tiana intercepted me, thrusting a gift bag into my hand. Leaning close, she whispered, “Merry Christmas. Have a great time and try to get a few hours of sleep, although I expect Caleb will forgive you if you’re a zombie. Chase invited me, so I’ll see you in the morning. I think he wanted some adult supervision at this party.”

  “You’re both the best and the worst friend I could possibly have.”

  “You can suck up tomorrow with presents. Make them good.” Tiana left, and I dove for the car before someone else stopped me.

  Chase unlocked the door so I could get in, and he laughed.

  I waited for him to close his door before announcing, “Was that a close enough glimpse into the depths of hell for you?”

  “I had no idea Midnight Mass could be so much fun. Think they’ll let us come back next year?”

  “I hope not. That was a nightmare.”

  “Hey, think about it this way. You only had to wear one hat tonight. That’s something, right? It’s really cute on you, too.”

  Chase must have hit his head sometime during Midnight Mass, as there was nothing cute about a little black dress partnered with a Santa hat. “Please take us home before I try to burn the church down.”

  “You wouldn’t burn the church down with Caleb inside.”

  “I could come back later and torch it.”

  Chase laughed. “All right. Obviously, I need to take you home before you begin a blazing career as an arsonist.”

  “You’re going to hell for that. I just thought you’d like to know.”

  “But it’ll be with good company.”

  I couldn’t argue with that, so I didn’t.

  The short drive felt like an eternity, and I fidgeted, careful to avoid drawing attention to Tiana’s present. When he parked, I flung my belt off and slid out of the car.

  “Ants up your skirt?” Chase asked, arching a brow.

  “I have to use the bathroom before I explode,” I lied, twisting around to snatch the bag as though I’d almost forgotten it. “Can I talk you into making me a tea, please?”

  “Tea? Not hot chocolate?”

  “One for each hand?”

  He laughed. “I can make you one for each hand, sure.”

  I bailed for the house, let myself in, and bolted for the bathroom. Getting out of the little black dress took even more wiggling than getting into it, and I hopped on one foot while attempting to kick off my heels to speed up the process of stripping so I could maintain the illusion I only needed to use the bathroom.

  In my hurry to escape the dress’s confines, I tore it. I hissed a curse, gave up trying to salvage the damned thing, and ripped it over my head. I gave it a defiant kick before digging into Tiana’s present of lingerie.

  Just as I’d asked, she’d gotten something red, lacy, and barely there, which would do the trick of getting Chase’s attention. A matching red collar and leash, reading ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ as I’d wanted, waited at the bottom of the bag.

  As an unexpected bonus, she’d included two pairs of fuzzy white cuffs.

  I snatched Chase’s bathrobe, shrugged into it, and made sure to cover the collar so I wouldn’t expose my change of attire too soon. Emerging from the bathroom, I checked to make certain he was in the kitchen.

  He was.

  Excellent.

  I tiptoed behind him, leaned against the door frame, and cleared my throat so he’d know I was behind him.

  “You weren’t kidding about being ready to explode, were you?”

  “No, I wasn’t.” I allowed myself a smile. “I’m not.”

  He turned to face me, and his eyes widened as he realized I no longer wore the little black dress he liked so much. Straightening, I allowed the bathrobe to fall open. I twirled one of the handcuffs around one finger and dangled the red leash with the other. “Sorry, Daddy. I’ve been naughty.”

  He chuckled, and his eyes narrowed while he admired the little scraps of fabric I’d decided counted as lingerie. “Yes, yes you have been. Shall we go have a very Merry Christmas?”

  “Please.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I’d need more than coffee to make it through Christmas. Despite Chase’s usual zombie-like state in the morning, he beat me out of bed and managed to make me coffee before I’d managed to slither into his bathrobe and flop onto the floor. In all my calculations, I’d forgotten to account for our enthusiasm keeping us up the wee hours.

  Why had I thought it was a good idea to launch my seduction project the night we needed to be up at dark thirty to go to his parents place to cook dinner for the masses?

  Chase chuckled, shaking his head and watching me from the doorway. “You’re so tired.”

  “It’s your fault.”

  “My fault? You were the one who ran into the bathroom so you could tear out of your dress. I found it on the floor. In pieces. I would’ve been happy to wait. You didn’t have to ruin your pretty dress.”

  “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “You certainly did. I recommend you get yourself put together so we don’t have to explain to Caleb why you’re incapable of walking without wincing. For the record, I had no idea you were that flexible.”

  I hadn’t, either. “You owe me a warm bath and a massage sometime in the near future.”

  “That’s the sort of demand I can meet without complaint. Come get your coffee, get dressed, and let’s head over to my parents’ place. You can curl up with Goliath on the couch and take a nap until it’s time to unwrap presents. If anyone asks, I’ll just say you’ve run yourself ragged working in the animal shelters and underestimated how much sleep you actually need. Of course, that won’t protect you from m
y parents nosing about in our business, but it is what it is. At least they’ll keep their nosing about when Caleb’s not around.”

  Since getting up and walking seemed like too much work, I crawled to Chase and used his foot as a pillow. I even wrapped my arms around his leg so he couldn’t escape me. “I’m good here.”

  “I’ll pull you into the kitchen if you don’t get up.”

  I tightened my hold. “I’m ready. Pull me. That seems easier than crawling to my coffee.”

  He laughed, bent over, and stroked my hair. “I’m not sorry I tired you out, but I am sorry you’re having a rough morning. I’ll bring the throw blanket off the couch since you like that one.”

  “Please take me to the coffee.”

  He took me to the couch instead, and he helped me crawl onto it before bringing a steaming mug. While I tried to remember how to drink without spilling it on myself, he wandered off and returned with clothes. “I took the liberty of picking the clothes I like best, and I’m considering it a Christmas present to myself.”

  “Seems fair. You spared me from having to figure out how clothes work.”

  “In good news, you’ll get to catch a nap on the drive over to my parents.” Chase set my clothes beside me and retrieved his phone, checking it for messages. “I’ve been informed that the tree is appropriately surrounded with a mountain of presents. Actually, according to the picture, the tree is barely visible. I think my parents may have gone overboard shopping.”

  “I went overboard shopping.”

  “I ordered more things online than I probably should have, and I made my poor parents wrap it for me so my secrets would not be revealed.”

  I laughed. “Next year, I’m planning earlier and making use of the internet to simplify my life.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Drink enough of your coffee so you’re functional, get dressed, and grab anything you need for today. The sooner we’re off, the sooner you can go back to sleep.”

  “Why are we heading over at dark thirty?” I whined.

  “Because I foolishly agreed to feed turkey to a bazillion people. It’s my fault. I’m sure you can correct me later. Does this mean you’ll move out of my guest bedroom and into my bedroom where you can reign supreme?”