Beach Reads Box Set

by Madden-Mills, Ilsa

  Once the door was shut, I turned on him, my anger spilling over.

  “You have no right to speak on my behalf and you need to leave.”

  “And you need to wake the hell up. You aren’t making this decision because it’s what’s best. It’s an emotional call, you’re still angry with me for leaving and you want to give up. I won’t let you.”

  “It’s my decision.”

  “The hell it is! Get your things we’re leaving!”

  “I’m not going anywhere with you!”

  “You don’t belong here.”

  “I don’t belong on an island in the middle of the damned ocean, either. I’m not sure it’s here, but I’m figuring it out.”

  “Jesus,” he said taking a step closer, his eyes accusing. “What happened to you?”

  “I woke up, and I needed to grow up. I can’t live in my parents’ vacation rental for the rest of my life, it’s not practical. I’m staying in New York for now. I’m going back to work for a small firm after I recover. It’s major progress, you should be happy for me.”

  He crossed his arms. “Are you kidding me?”

  I fastened my belt while he fumed on the other side of the bed.

  “Look, I’ve been battling this my whole life. I’ll manage. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got new plans. The house is gone, there’s nothing to go home to. Jasmine’s considering moving back to the States as well. It’s just not home to either of us anymore. Things change. I took a cue from you, it’s time to be responsible. You of all people should be proud of me.”

  “Proud of you? Aikona! No facking way.” Ian’s face turned crimson as I slid into my heels.

  “Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I’m fine.”

  He narrowed his eyes and strode toward me until the back of my knees touched the bed. I tried not to react to a whiff of his scent. He towered over me as I stood to my full height, thankful for the few inches of advantage my stilettos gave me.

  “You want to have this surgery? Fine, tell me how this decision came to pass? You just woke up and decided to change the course of the rest of your life, to give away your chance of having a family, why?”

  “I’m in pain!” I defended.

  “Bullshit, Koti.”

  “No, what’s bullshit is me having to explain myself to you. You don’t have a say in my life. Not anymore.”

  “The hell I don’t. I’m the father of your future children so I damn sure do have a say.”

  Instant tears filled my eyes and I turned to look out of the window watching the bustling traffic and a woman with a stroller move toward Central Park.

  “That’s rich. I haven’t seen or heard from you in months.”

  “Doesn’t matter how much time has passed, we’re still in love. I felt it the minute I walked through the door, I’m not playing the denial game with you, or any game ever, for that matter. That isn’t who we are. We’re closer than two people could ever be. I still love you, probably now more than I ever have. And I have loved you. Maybe in different ways and in different degrees over the years but I have loved you. You want to know what I’m doing here? I came to tell you that you’re worth it. And I’ve been stupid and selfish, and I want to spend my life with you.”

  I turned back to glare at him. “News flash, egomaniac, I can live without you.”

  “I know.”

  “You left me with nothing.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t need you anymore.”

  “Maybe you don’t, but I still need you.”

  He hung his head as I stood shaking with fury.

  “That’s funny, I remember begging for any sign that you might. I remember telling you I would wait for you and getting nothing.”

  “So, what’s this then? The final fuck you to our relationship? Tell me something, Koti. That day you dreamed of having a baby, the day of the accident, what color eyes did that baby have?”

  “Ian, stop it. Okay, stop it!”

  “They were my eyes, weren’t they? You never wanted a family, you never dreamed that far ahead until we fell in love.”

  I stayed quiet.

  “They were my eyes. I’m the man you pictured having a child with. I’m here to tell you I want the same.”

  “Please,” I pleaded. “Please stop. That’s not the life I was supposed to live, remember? It’s not realistic. It was a childish move to run and throw it all away. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother was right.”

  “Bullshit, that’s your mother talking. I won’t believe that of you. You were happy, and I destroyed it with my selfish shit and now you’ve used it as an excuse to move on the wrong way and in the wrong direction.”

  “Who are you to judge me? You don’t know what it was like being in that house without—”

  He took a step forward closing all the distance between us. “Without what? Me?”

  “Just leave. I don’t want you here. How can I make that any more clear?”

  “You could stop lying, not have tears in your eyes, not be searching for my lips to kiss you and itching for me to reach out and touch you. I see it all because I know you that well. I watched you and worshipped you for the best months of my life. I know what you need because I loved giving it to you and I will touch you the way you need me to and kiss you the way you want me to, but I need you to stop lying to me… right now.”

  “So what, because you finally showed up I’m just supposed to get on my knees and be grateful you came back. Go to hell. It’s too late.”

  His eyes closed painfully and when they opened, I could see them swimming with emotion.

  “Maybe it is too late for us, if that’s what you say, I have no choice but to believe you, but this life you’re living now isn’t you.”

  “No, this is me, the side you don’t know and the part you’ve never met, just like there’s an entire life you lived before me, that I don’t have a clue about. These are our real lives. St. Thomas was a dream. What happened on that island was beautiful and magical and a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but it wasn’t real or sustainable, and it was always going to end. We both knew eventually we would have to get back to reality. After you left to face yours, I decided to do the same for myself. This is who I am, that time on the island was a much-needed break. I was never supposed to be there.”

  “I know you don’t believe that. That place, that beach, that ocean is ours, Koti, and maybe it’s not the life either of us planned, but it’s what I want now more than anything. We were happy there.”

  Anger won over ache. “You’re still selfish. Words mean nothing to you because you don’t listen. My life is here now, St. Thomas is over. Fucking me for a few months doesn’t make you an authority on me. We are over. You made sure of it.”

  He continually swallowed, tears brimming in his eyes as he lifted his hands.

  I love you.

  I need you.

  I want that beautiful dream back.

  I can’t live without you.

  I tried, and I hated it.

  I’ll be there when you make mistakes, when you hurt, when you’re scared.

  I’ll be there.

  I’ll marry you.

  I’ll want children with you.

  We can live anywhere you want.

  I’m lost without my love.

  I need you back.

  Tell me what to do.

  If you don’t want words, tell me what you want. Please. Please. Please.

  Raw, I bit my lips to stifle the sob. “Stop. You broke my heart and you meant to. You can’t take that back.”

  He gripped the sides of my face. “I’m late, but I’m here. And I’m sorry. I can’t stop, I won’t stop. I can’t stay away from you any longer. I can’t lose you again. And you can’t lose the part of you that I know will be one of the best parts. You’ll be the most beautiful and amazing mother. You’ll give our children pure love and acceptance. Please don’t do this. Tell me I’m not too late. Tell me your heart hasn’t closed t
o me. Tell me our children are safe.”

  His tears fell rapidly down his beautiful face as my heart tried to claw its way out of my body toward the refuge of him.

  “I have no place being a mother.”

  “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, despite your fears. I’d be so incredibly proud to have you mother my children. And as long as it’s in my power, you won’t be alone to ice those hundred cupcakes for the class. I’ll be by your side through all of it. Every minute, good or hard. I want to be that man for you. I want to be there. I want our love story more than my selfish freedom. I want our life. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that. I’ll never leave you again.”

  My walls began to crumble one by one.

  “Please,” he said, his eyes overflowing with love. “Baby, please be honest with me. I’m begging you. Be honest with me now before I do as you ask and walk out that door.”

  He searched my eyes as I swallowed hard.

  “I know you still love me because I can feel it. I can feel it no matter how hard you’re trying to fight it. I can feel your need for me, just like you feel mine. We’re still in love, and I know we always will be. You are worthy of love and a life fuller than you can ever imagine. You’re my best friend and I miss you. I miss laughing with you, I miss talking to you, I miss filling you with my cock and hearing your beautiful moans, I miss eating late at night in front of the fridge door, swimming naked and waking up together covered in sand. I miss fighting with you because making up feels so fucking good. I miss the Koti who can’t stop laughing when she’s had too much wine, I miss the way you hug my daughter with your eyes closed because you mean it. I miss the turned-on sounds you make when you’re reading your romance novels.”

  “I make sounds?”

  “Yes, that’s why I never let you finish but a few chapters at a time, it drove me mad.”

  We both laughed despite our sagging hearts.

  “I miss Disco and the way you loved her without trying to show me you’d grown too attached. There are so many things I miss, but your smile is the first. I’ll do everything in my power to keep it there, to light you up the way you do me. I’m not just here because I miss you, because I need you, I’m begging for the beautiful dream of that life we started together. You think it’s not realistic, but it can be a reality for both of us. We can go back and own that fucking life. No rules but our own. Our happiness won’t ride on fulfilling anyone else’s expectations, it will be a life catered to us.”

  A tear ran down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb.

  “I just… couldn’t think of a good enough reason to be in any more pain.” I sniffed and tried to pull my face from his grip, but he kept me close.

  “I’ll be your reason, let our son or daughter be your reason and they will be worth it, I promise you. I promise you.” He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks and then stole my breath when he placed a slow kiss to my lips. I sank against the weight of it, my walls obliterated as my heart sprang free.

  “It hurt so much when you left. I couldn’t handle it without you. It was like everything I loved about being there evaporated without you to share it with. I didn’t know it, but I think I was waiting for you before you came, and when you left, I could never love that place the same. I missed you so much, I felt like I was dying every day you stayed gone.” He exhaled, closing his eyes before he kissed my tears away.

  “I was a shitty boyfriend, but I’ll be a better husband.”

  “I would have waited forever if you had asked me to.”

  He bit his lip and nodded. “I know.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me, Ian? I hate you for it. You know muses don’t just fall from the sky every day.” It was my shitty attempt at humor, but I couldn’t even manage a smile. “Domkop.” I deadpanned.

  He chuckled. “I’m swimming in regret. Please, Koti, please take me back.”

  “What about Ella?”

  “She’s fine. She’s good, she sent me to you. The one thing that held me down set me free to love you because she loves you too. We both want you back.”

  “I’m so pissed at you.”

  “I’ll fix this so you never have a reason to doubt me again. Say yes.”

  “To what?”

  “To all of it, to everything. Be my life. Marry me and if you say yes, I promise the only thing I’ll ever be selfish about again is you. Say yes and let’s go back to our beach.”

  Three points to make a good argument, Koti.

  Number one, you love him. Number two, you love him. Number three, you love him.

  I didn’t want to fight anymore.

  “Yes.”

  “Again,” he whispered hoarsely, his gray eyes pleading with mine.

  “Yes, to all of it. I love you, Ian.”

  He let out a sigh as he gently took my lips, his slow kiss melting the space between us. “Let’s go home.”

  “We don’t have a home.”

  “Then we’ll do what we do best, and this time together.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Start over.”

  Epilogue

  Koti

  Eight months later…

  Jasmine clasped a gold bracelet on my arm and stood back, tossing a piece of wavy hair off of my shoulder.

  “You look so beautiful.”

  “Don’t make me cry.”

  “I’m not trying to. Today looks good on you. I’d be jealous if I didn’t have a hot ass man waiting on me.”

  “I wish he could have been here,” I said, turning to look at my reflection. Most of my residual nerves of the day had faded as I took a sip of champagne. The last week had been kind and I was thankful. It had been weeks since I’d had an attack and for the most part, my body had been cooperating despite the stress of the past month.

  But on the other side of my fear was a freedom I could never have imagined. In trusting Ian with my worries, in having him to lean on with my daily stresses, I found it much more bearable to deal instead of internalizing everything. It was incredible to me, the feeling of someone knowing me so intimately, he often knew just what to do, what to say so I didn’t feel alone with my fears. I had a partner for the first time in my life. He never dismissed my anxiety or placated it either when I needed to work it out. Simply put, he was just there in any capacity I needed him.

  “Maybe I’ll get here someday,” Jasmine said, fidgeting with one of Banion’s beautiful bouquets.

  “Oh,” I said with a knowing grin. “I have zero doubts you will.”

  “I’d look ridiculous as a bride.”

  “Please,” I said giving her an eye roll. “You’re still fresh, I think Banion started to cry a little when I told him you weren’t single.”

  “I am single.”

  I gave her a pointed look. “You are so not single.”

  “I’m undecided.”

  “And you’re loving it,” I said, kissing her cheek. “And I’m so proud of you.”

  Her eyes glistened. “If you want to run away, now is the time. I know a sucker with a getaway plane.”

  “I’m good.”

  “God, I know you are. But he’s still lucky I didn’t rip his balls off.”

  “I am too, I have plans for those balls.”

  My dad cleared his throat as Jasmine and I made bulging eyes at each other and I coughed out a laugh. “Sorry, Dad.”

  He gave me a soft look. “She’s here.”

  I frowned in confusion before realization struck. “How?”

  “Ian called her last night.”

  My mother and I hadn’t spoken since I left New York with Ian. I knew deep down her real disappointment was that she finally had me back in her life and on her path. Her vocally expressed distaste for our new plans as I packed my things had led to a nasty fight. Ian had held his tongue until she insulted our relationship and he, in turn, had blown up by calling her an eleventh-hour mother. My dad hadn’t faulted either of us for her upset when we left New York to pick up the li
teral pieces of our life in St. Thomas. Even as I wrestled with the fact that my mother and I would never see eye to eye, my heart made a decision that that day was as good as any to give our relationship another chance. It was, after all, a day of new beginnings.

  I looked to Jasmine whose eyes shimmered with happy tears. “I knew she would come.”

  “Let’s do this.” I couldn’t get to him fast enough.

  Jasmine gripped my hand and squeezed before handing me my bouquet. “Let’s get you married.”

  “Ready, Daddy?”

  He nodded. “She loves you. Please try, if you can, to forgive her.”

  I hugged him close. “I already did.”

  My father put my hand in his as we made our way off my freshly painted back porch toward my finish line. Brilliant colors glittered the sky as the sun began to sink beneath the sparkling ocean’s surface. Jars full of votive candles were scattered in the sand around the small arch lighting up our beach. Ian stood in wait for me looking gorgeous in a simple white button-down and slacks. Flowers of every color were strewn where I stepped as I was escorted toward my waiting groom. I smiled at Ian’s family, Rowan, William, and his brother Adam as they stood in wait with matching smiles. Rowan’s eyes overflowed the minute she caught sight of me. After sharing a tearful smile, I turned my attention back to Ian who mouthed “you’re beautiful.” Halfway down the aisle, Ella stepped away from her place beside her father and moved toward me stopping just a few feet away.

  “Hi,” she said simply in greeting.

  “H h-hi,” I whispered back with a nervous laugh.

  “I love you, Koti,” she said in the most sincere and perfect voice imaginable.

  Instant tears sprang to my eyes. “I love you, too.”

  Seconds later, a change in music filled the air and Ella looked back to her father who did a short three finger countdown for her before she turned and began to sign the words of the song to me. It was a gift from Ian who stood behind her with a clear view as I tried to hold in my threatening sobs. Ella threw her heart into her every movement as she signed Calum Scott’s “The Reason”. Happy tears trailed down her sun-kissed cheeks as she told me of her father’s love for me and pressed her hands against her heart swaying back and forth to the music she couldn’t hear, but to words she could feel. Piano keys struck every chord in my heart as I looked past Ella to Ian who began to sign with her on the second verse. An ache of the purest kind poured from my heart as I watched my future happiness tell me of a love so incredible it was limitless, endless and ours. I crumbled in my father’s hold as he looked on at me with shimmering eyes and faith-filled assurance. They swayed together as my heart overflowed with love for them both. Ella stood back next to her father as Ian signed the rest of the lyrics. When the last of the notes had played, I resumed my walk toward my forever.