“Probably leaves space for the possibility she might not,” Mave said softly. “I need this, Alchan. One person can’t win a war, no matter how much I want it to be that way. But…this could be a chance.”
“I can’t stop you. Actually, I can, but it would ruin our friendship. It would break our bond. Your husbands could ruin their marriages with you if they forced you to stay. Are you really going to ask us to stand between you and your own death?”
“Then don’t stop me,” she told him plainly.
“I would rather you hate me to your very last breath than to send you to your death,” Alchan hissed. “I’m sure all your husbands feel the same.”
“And you would doom our people. My life is not worth more than theirs. If I have to go to the very edge in the hopes of finding something that could help us win, I will do it. Try to stop me all you want, but when this wing is healed, I am leaving. I’m going to do everything in my power to not only save our people but to be worthy of this love and respect you give me every day when you call me your Champion. There is no way for me to win this war and keep everyone I love alive.” She took a deep breath. “But there might be. There might be a way, and I won’t stop until I have exhausted every effort. I won’t be your Champion again until I see this through.”
“You won’t be Champion if you die trying,” he whispered.
“I won’t be worthy of the title if I never try at all,” she retorted. She decided to aim for his heart. “And no king is worthy of me if he’s not willing to take the same risks.”
Mave had never hurt this male before. She had said things and done things that pissed him off, but she had never hurt him. Their understanding had always been one that didn’t lead to them truly hurting each other. They argued, but they never went for the kill.
Mave had gone for the kill and had deeply wounded him.
He sat down slowly, staring at her with wide eyes, his chest heaving as if he was trying to keep breathing, even though he was dying—the last gasping breaths of a dead man. She had seen them before.
She let the tears fill her eyes as the battle lines were drawn.
She was willing to break the family in half over this. She was willing to cut the Company in two. She was willing to leave him alone at the top.
“My king would do whatever is necessary, and so would his Champion.”
Alchan leaned over, covering his face. “Please, Mave.”
“We’re already dying in Anden, Alchan. Be my king. Be the king I have thought you to be, the only ruler I have ever wanted to serve.” She stepped back from him, hoping he listened. “In two weeks, the binding for my wing will come off, and I will go on the road. I’ll make the preparations myself. I’ll go alone if my husbands are against my plan, but I will go, and none of you can stop me. I have to do this.”
“Why?” he asked softly.
“Because even she thinks we’re going to lose, and I’ll be damned if I prove that fucking goddess right. I don’t lose. I’ve overcome great odds in my life, and I will never let someone tell me my fate. I make my fate. I decide when and where I will fight and die. I’ve been a slave and a gladiator. I’ve been your mercenary, your warrior, and your rebel. I’m considered enemy number one in the Empire, and I have been a Champion twice.” She straightened her posture. “And if I have to become a fucking Avatar to win this war, that is what I will become.”
She turned on her heel and walked out.
Alchan was the least of her worries now. She knew he was the king she believed him to be, and he would come around. He could be stubborn, but once he healed from the blow she just laid on him, he would admit she was right.
She ignored Emerian and just kept walking home to get her swords. She needed to stay strong. She needed to be stronger.
Kian’s death couldn’t be in vain. Leshaun’s couldn’t be in vain. Her entire life could not be in vain, and the family she lost could not be in vain.
If that put Mave against the goddesses themselves, that was the battle she had to fight.
34
Alchan
What did it mean to be worthy?
Alchan had pondered that question his entire life, and it continued to haunt his every step.
When he was young, he tried to be worthy of his parents.
He tried to earn his father’s love. A painful lesson he had to learn was that sometimes, it was an impossible reach. He could never be worthy of his father because his father had no love in him by the time Alchan wanted it. He’d given it all away, then crushed his ability to love as he grew bitter. It was impossible to be enough for someone who felt they weren’t enough, either.
And his mother? He had thought he was enough and grown complacent. He thought he was enough for her, then she left, proving he wasn’t. He wasn’t worthy of her. He could never be because she wasn’t worthy of him. From her, he knew how to temper his own expectations of others. Why invest energy in someone when they didn’t want to do the same in return?
Similar lessons, each painful.
He tried to be worthy of his grandmother. She had been a great queen dealt a bad hand, but he wanted to be a grandson worthy of her, and she had wanted to be a grandmother worthy of him. They had both fallen short in their own ways, but they had loved. They were family. In the end, falling short hadn’t destroyed them. It had made them both mortal, and mortals made mistakes.
Alchan continued to try to prove his worthiness to Rain every day. That love required it. There could be no complacency. He had to work every day to remind Rain that he was one of Alchan’s truest loves. He wanted them to be together until they were old and grey.
He had to be worthy of his people, too. He had to do right by them, to be the best ruler he could be, and leave them with stability long after he was gone. That required sacrifice, one he had been afraid of for so long and was still wary of now. It required him to lose his respect for himself, but sometimes, to be worthy required a greater sacrifice than anyone knew.
He knew, one day, he would make that sacrifice and would finally prove his worth to them in its entirety. There would be no more doubt of his ability to be their king.
There was one he wanted to be worthy of more than all others. He wasn’t sure why her words had hurt so much, but they had cut to his heart and made him feel smaller than even his father ever could.
He needed to be worthy of Mave more than he needed to breathe. He didn’t understand it. Why her? Why did her words cut so deep? Alchan had faced people putting him down and deeming him less than for his entire life, but when it came from her, he had been crushed. He had been unable to think, unable to argue. He only listened to her scorn and her rage and accepted it. His Champion had weighed him, measured him, and found him wanting.
He was not good enough to be her king.
“Alchan?” Rain whispered softly, wrapping his arms around his waist. “You’ve been out here for four days, and people are starting to worry. Well, they’ve been worried.”
“I know,” he said with a sigh. “But I need more time.”
“What did she say to you?” Rain asked, leaning on his back. “You’ve never…Nothing has ever bothered you this much. You’ve been different since you and her talked.”
“Nothing you can fix, I promise,” Alchan explained. He let the sound of the world come back to him, the waterfall echoing in the cavern. This was his favorite place. Winter was coming, and the ground was freezing, but he didn’t care. This place was his retreat, and he always came back to it when the world weighed heavily on his shoulders.
Or his soul was cut open by someone he had trusted.
His own Champion had opened him up and left him to die.
“Mave leaves in three days,” Rain reminded him. “Mat comes to me every day and asks if you’re thinking about stopping her.”
“No,” Alchan answered for the dozenth time. “I have no intention of stopping her.”
“She could die,” Rain whispered, hugging him tight.
�
��I know.” He knew better than anyone. He knew what happened to those who proved unworthy of the goddesses who ruled them all. It was written in blood throughout his family’s history. All three of those goddesses had taken their anger out on the Andinna at one point or another.
Once, a queen and an Avatar of Amonora had despised each other. When the Queen killed the other Avatar and sat back on her throne, she died. Not from an injury from the fight. No. Legend had it that a great flame erupted and killed her as punishment for killing another of the chosen. Another story was more rooted in jealousy. An eldest daughter was jealous that her younger sister was better fit for the throne and named the heir. She killed her sister after their mother had died and tried to claim the throne for herself. She had not survived the attempt. Some said a blaze destroyed her mind from within. In the end, the youngest child, a young male, had to step up and become king. There was no Avatar of Lariana until his daughter ascended to the throne. It was considered a dark time in the history of the Andinna.
Alchan had never gone to claim the power because he had known he was unworthy. As a male, it wasn’t his right. He only wanted to be worthy, and that meant following the rules.
Right?
Then there was Mave.
Mave, who constantly tested him. Mave, who showed him the most support. Mave, his sister. Mave, who knew his mind as a warrior better than anyone. Together, they had launched this rebellion privately before any of their friends or family knew their thoughts.
He was unworthy of her, and it was killing him.
“Alchan, you need to talk to me,” Rain pleaded.
“She…she said I was unworthy of being her king,” Alchan whispered, looking down. “And it had hurt much more than expected.”
“Oh,” Rain gasped. His hands dropped away and Alchan felt him move. The young male with beautiful blue wings and sapphire eyes came in front of him. “And why is that?”
“Because…I’m…”
A coward.
Alchan growled softly. No. He was just trying to keep the tradition of the Andinna. He was trying to respect the laws laid down by Lariana. He had to. If he disrupted them, he could unfold a future that could ruin their people. What would stop future males just like his father from hurting the family and upsetting the balance again?
Doesn’t make me any less of a coward.
“Can you give me the most recent report?” he asked his Consort, deciding not to continue down that thought process.
“We know she’s attacking our supplies coming in from Kerit now,” Rain started. “Someone has to be telling her. Someone who can go into the war room and see all the stuff we keep there, but…”
“Everyone in there needs to be in there,” Alchan said softly, nodding. “Have you started splitting it up with Luykas?”
“Yes. We’ve moved the lower ranking unit commanders to their own building to discussions with their own copies of the maps. Only the Company and the other generals will have access to the full maps with everything. Dave and Learen now work in their home with Trevan keeping watch. They still file the supply information away in the war room, but it’s hidden. Not perfect, but a start. We’re hoping it’ll slow everything down, and we can start looking for strange activity. If anyone is trying to get into places they shouldn’t be, then we have someone to question. We’ve found all the bottles of the poisoned wine. Four of them were given to Learen as people began to realize they had the same wine that killed Leshaun…the last was drunk just two nights ago.”
“Who died?” Alchan knew someone must have died.
“A young warrior, a recently escaped slave who wanted to show off his stealing skills learned while surviving in the Empire,” Rain answered softly. “And one of his friends, a previous gladiator. Kenav isn’t happy, but he’s not angry with us. He’s pissed at how stupid those two were.”
“Hmm.” Alchan rubbed his face. “Thank you. Anything else?”
“Leria’s sending more troops down. They’ll be here by Al Moro Nat, but it will leave her with only the minimal guard to protect her community. After that, we have some nobles and a few unit commanders becoming hostile about Dave and Trevan. I think Kenav is a part of it, but I can’t be certain. The moment we started telling some about the spy, it got out like a wildfire. They’re facing hostility from different groups in the village. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Alchan…”
“I know. We’re losing. We’re going to keep losing. We’re desperate. I know.”
Varon and Mave are right, but…Can I really convince Lariana I’m worthy of her power?
It clicked in a strange way. His thoughts came together, and he realized what his problem was.
I can never be worthy of ruling the Andinna if I’m not worthy of ruling the strongest of us. Mave is the strongest of the Andinna. She’s not the most dominant, but she holds raw power, feral, uncontrolled power. She could defeat me and leave our people with no one to rule them. I need her like I need my right arm, and I rule only because she allows it, because she thinks I’m worthy to rule. I need her to back me up, and the only way to be enough for someone like Mave is to be worthy of her love. Not by being more dominant and demanding her submission but to earn her love.
If I don’t try to do this for her, I’ll lose the love of the only sister I’ve ever known. She called me king, but she meant brother.
I can’t let that happen.
It felt foolish, love and all that. He was a fucking king and had done with very little of it most of his life. Now, it was going to convince him to stare down a goddess and dare her to give him a chance.
The pieces clicked, and he knew exactly what he would say to her when he was confronted by her.
He grabbed Rain and kissed his husband.
“We’re going on a trip,” he said against the soft lips he loved.
“Are we?” Rain asked, his eyebrows going up into his black hair.
“Yes. We’re going to the Capital. There is something I have to do.”
“Is it anything like what Mave is trying?” Rain frowned, not as joyous as Alchan had hoped he would be.
“Very similar,” Alchan said, nodding. “I’m going to sit on the throne in the Hall of Queens, and I am going to ask Lariana to make me her Avatar as she had for every queen who has ever ruled Anden.”
“What?” Rain blinked.
“She’s never allowed a male to claim her power, and all the successful kings of our people step down when a female can take the throne. I’m going to ask her to make me the true ruler of Anden. We need it. I need it.”
“What happens if this doesn’t work?” Rain asked. Alchan heard fear and understood. He understood because he was terrified as well, but he had to do this. Mave was right.
“I die and with me, her royal bloodline. There will be no more queens to claim her power and rule because I have no children.”
“And Luykas is a mutt,” Rain said softly.
“Exactly.” Alchan nodded. “The power itself requires a…pure body. Other races could never hold the power of the dragons because they aren’t dragons in their souls. Luykas isn’t fully a dragon. He’ll always be half-Elvasi. I have three options. I don’t try at all and watch as my people slowly die to this war. Or I try, which can go two ways. I die because I’m male, and she deems my reasons not enough, or I claim the power, and we might have a chance.”
“I’ll start packing,” Rain said, full of determination now.
Alchan paused, realizing something important.
“If you come, Lilliana has to as well,” he said carefully. “Do you think…she’ll be okay with that?”
“Yes,” Rain answered with a smile. “She wanted to travel, and she’s useful and sweet, and I’ll need a friend. I’m going to assume you don’t want a guard coming with us.”
“You assume right. We need to leave warriors here, and I don’t want them to have to deal with the shame of losing their king if it comes to that.”
“But you would let
Lilliana and me deal with it,” Rain pointed out.
“You don’t have to go,” he whispered.
“I would never let you go to do this alone, even if I don’t really understand it.”
Alchan kissed him again, and together, they left the cavern Alchan had sheltered in. Rain split off from him, and Alchan knew what he had to do.
He had to find Mave.
He landed in a clearing, seeing the wagon slowly being loaded. Three days. He had three days to prepare everything to join that wagon and those who would leave in it.
Luykas looked up first and seemed hopeful.
“Please tell me you’re here to back us and stop this,” Luykas pleaded softly as they walked up to each other. “I understand her reasons, but this is…I don’t want to ruin my marriage, but…”
“I come with more bad news, then. I’m going with you. Me, Rain, and Lilliana. I’m going to the Capital.” Alchan watched his brother do the mental leaps. Luykas knew. Luykas was a blood member of the royal family, so the secret was also his secret. Or that had been Alchan’s thinking. Their grandmother and aunts had been less certain, but Alchan’s word was law when it came to his brother.
“You threw Varon and Nevyn out of your house for suggesting it,” Luykas hissed. “And now, you’re going to do it? Lariana will kill you, Alchan. And when she does that, I’m going to climb that fucking mountain and try to kill her. You’re insane. My wife is insane. I can’t believe I’m going on this stupid trip—”
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