Here I Go

by Jamie Bennett

  “And she doesn’t want to go.”

  “It’s far.” To me, it seemed like it was a million miles from where we were. “She’s worried about you spending so much money on her.”

  “What would be something better to spend it on?” he asked me.

  “What about going to Atlanta? Or Nashville?” I suggested. “You could drive her to a hospital in this beautiful new car instead of renting a plane, and she wouldn’t worry so much about it. I think she’d be very unhappy in California. I think I would be, too,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “It’s so…far,” I said again. And foreign. It was so different from what I knew.

  “Your family wouldn’t be there,” he mentioned, and I thought of our gathering the day before.

  “That would be ok. I’d like to get away from them. Only a little,” I added quickly. “Not all the time, but it wasn’t so fun yesterday.”

  “Because of the fighting sisters.”

  “Because of them, and one of my relatives came, a guy I really don’t like.” But I didn’t want to talk about Uncle Terrance. “Do you have any family besides your aunt?”

  “I think my mother had a sister, maybe. I’m not sure. I haven’t bothered to look.”

  “Why?”

  “You really don’t know?” he asked, and he sounded like he didn’t believe it. “Your mother didn’t tell you about my family?”

  “No. I never asked, either. How are you related to Miss Liddy? Is she your real aunt?”

  He nodded. “My father was her half brother, her baby brother about thirty years younger than she was.”

  “Did he pass away?”

  “My mother killed him,” Cain explained. His voice was calm and even, despite the terrible thing he’d just said. “My mother hit him with a bat across the back of the head. He deserved it, of course. He beat her and me all the time, and one day, she got tired of it. But I then she met a new guy who treated her even worse than my father had.” He nodded a little. “They overdosed together about ten years ago.”

  “Oh. Oh, Cain.”

  “Are you crying?”

  “Yes, of course I am!”

  “You really didn’t know? Maybe everyone thought you were too young to get it.”

  “They still think that. They think I can’t understand things, but I really can’t understand how your father…”

  “We’re at your building, Aria. You can’t go back to your office in tears,” he told me. “You won’t get ahead at work if they think you’re emotional.”

  That ship had sailed a long, long time ago. In my first week at the Law Offices of Gary Andonov, my boss had walked in on me crying in the conference room because I’d seen a stray dog outside, limping on the sidewalk. Later, I’d caught it and taken it to the vet, then given it to my Uncle Harry to live on his farm.

  “Aria?”

  I unclicked my seat belt and then I leaned over the nice leather console and hugged him. “I’m glad you told me that,” I whispered, because I was nearly crying again and that made it harder to talk. “I’m sorry it happened, I really am.” I let go and ran out of the car toward the building.

  “Aria!”

  I turned back around. The window was open and he was leaning out of it in the rain.

  “I don’t have a low opinion of you, ok?” Cain called. “Not at all. I think—”

  But I never got to hear what he thought, because there was a crash as a car hit a garbage can very close to where we had stopped. My boss, Gary, had arrived back at the office, and Cain only closed his window and drove away.

  ∞

  “I’m not sure. Is there one with more decoration?” Eimear’s soon-to-be-mother-in-law, Doe, frowned slightly at the white wedding gown that my friend wore. “It’s just so plain.”

  The smile faded off Eimear’s face. “I liked this dress,” she said from the platform where the salesperson was straightening the skirt.

  “You know, I think it would look different with a veil. Could she try on a veil, too?” I suggested. Mairéad, Eimear’s adopted daughter, squawked on Doe’s lap and I had to stop myself from grabbing her and hugging her. She was the most beautiful baby ever, I thought. Eimear was so lucky: a wedding and a daughter!

  She didn’t look like she felt that way right now, though. She stood on the platform a little slumped, staring at a spot on the pink carpet. I got up from the viewing area and walked over.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered.

  “I knew I wouldn’t be good at this!” she told me immediately. “I have no idea about what would look nice on me. I don’t know anything about flowers. Doe asked me about my bridesmaids and of course I don’t have any! I can’t even decide if we should serve chicken or fish.”

  “What does Griffin say?” Her fiancé wasn’t short on opinions, as far as I’d seen.

  “He says that I should do what makes me happy. But it’s so much money, Aria! I feel worse with every choice I make.” And she really did look like she felt awful.

  I almost cried for her but held it together. “This dress is gorgeous! If you like it, then it’s the way to go. And I have millions of ideas all ready if you want to look. I can come over to your house and I bet we can plan this wedding in one day. We can get a good start,” I corrected, because that did seem very ambitious. “Aren’t Griffin’s friends giving him discounts on everything? I know a lot of people, too. We can get the costs down.”

  Eimear nodded, her face relaxing a little. “Thank you, Aria. And, I know it’s a lot of trouble, but would you be my maid of honor?”

  Well, I did start crying, and I hugged her, but I didn’t get any of my makeup on the sample gown. “I would love to be!” I’d been a bridesmaid in sixteen weddings so far, and I really knew the ropes. Then I sat myself next to her soon-to-be-mother-in-law to talk up the pretty dress that Eimear had on, and also to explain a little bit about how the bride was feeling. Doe was a nice lady, and I knew she’d jump on board to help. Also, sitting next to her meant that it was totally natural for me to take my turn holding the baby. Oh, that sweet baby!

  Eimear had a dress and a veil on order when we left the bridal salon, and I had a phone full of messages that I looked at briefly as we all walked back to our cars. My sisters had declared a truce over Thanksgiving, after I’d done a lot of counseling and begging to get them there. But now Christmas was around the corner and there were new problems. Amory’s son, JP, and Aubree’s son, Aric, were both in the elementary school band and playing in the holiday show. But Aric had a recorder solo and JP’s talent had been ignored, maybe because someone had been filling the band director’s head with stories about him using his instrument case as a weapon while waiting for the bus…that was just the beginning of the problems.

  I was putting my phone away, back at the bottom of my pocketbook where I wouldn’t see it light up every time I got another angry accusation, when it rang in my hand.

  “Oh! Hi, Cain,” I answered.

  “Aunt Liddy’s in the hospital,” he said to me, and my other hand flew to my heart.

  “Oh, my word! What happened?”

  “I think she fainted in the shower, but it might have been a seizure. They’re not sure what happened. I wanted to call you because…” He paused. “I don’t know why I wanted to call you.”

  “I’m so glad you did. What hospital?” He told me it was St. Agatha’s, the closest to where they lived. “All right, I’m going to get on the phone with my family and they can bring you whatever you need right now, and I’m on my way—”

  “I don’t need anything. We don’t need anything,” he said quickly. “Don’t call your family.”

  “Oh. Ok.” I hesitated. “Can I still come?”

  There was another long silence. “You probably have other things to do today.”

  “Not at all. I was going to go to the gym, but I don’t mind missing that. I’ll come, Cain, all right? I’m on my way,” I repeated and stuffed the phone into my pocket.

 
“What happened, Aria?” Eimear, her mother-in-law (soon-to-be), and even the baby were looking at me, worried.

  “It’s Cain’s aunt. Miss Liddy,” I explained. “She’s in the hospital and I’m going to go see him. Her, I mean. I’ll talk to you later about the place cards, Eimear!”

  “Wait! Hold on.” She trotted a few steps after me, and the baby waved her fists above the carrier strapped to her mother’s chest. I reached for one of her tiny hands without thinking, and kissed it. “I know you’re spending a lot of time with this lady and her nephew, right?” Eimear asked me.

  “It’s mostly the travel time that makes it seem like a lot,” I said, but then thought. “I guess I am at their house pretty frequently.” I’d been going a few times a week and also, Cain had stopped by our office once or twice to take me to lunch when he’d been downtown. Maybe three times.

  “I just want to make sure—” She hesitated before continuing. “I remember what happened with Brian, Aria, and I know you want to settle down with someone a lot. Is Cain the right person for that?”

  I wished she hadn’t brought up our former coworker Brian, my emotional affair guy. “You’re worried that I’m choosing badly again,” I said, and very slowly, she nodded.

  “I guess I am.”

  “You don’t have to worry,” I told her. “Cain isn’t the kind of man that I would look to marry. For one thing, as soon as his aunt is better, he’s moving back to his home in California. And I would never leave here! Also, he isn’t interested, not in me and not in marriage. He told me about his last girlfriend, how terrible it was to live with her and how glad he was when she moved out. Those aren’t the words of a guy who’s interested in settling down! I’m still looking for someone who is.”

  “Oh, good.” Her face relaxed. “There will be a bunch of Griffin’s old friends from the Marines at our wedding. I know it hasn’t worked out so well with the guys we’ve set you up with from around here, but I think you might meet someone then. We’ll find a great dress for you next, a beautiful one. They’ll die when they see you, Aria.”

  I already had ten different bridesmaid gowns hanging in the attic at my memaw’s house that Eimear could choose from. “Thank you. You’re a sweet girl to say that! I have faith that I’ll find my perfect match, just like you did, and maybe he’ll be at your wedding like you said!” I gave the baby one last kiss, and it was hard to pull myself away from her, but I wanted to hurry over to St. Agatha’s Hospital.

  By the time that I drove out there, Miss Liddy was already leaving. She was pale and even more fragile as she sat in the wheelchair getting pushed toward the exit, but Cain just looked furious. So angry, in fact, that I thought something terrible must have happened when I saw them.

  “What?” I asked, running over and not even holding back my bouncing breasts in my worry. “Miss Liddy, how are you feeling? What happened?”

  “They’re discharging her,” he seethed. “Anyone could see that she’s not well. I found her unconscious on the floor, and that’s nothing? Their answer was low blood sugar. It’s ridiculous!”

  “Cain, there’s no reason to keep me here,” she said, her voice weak enough that it was hard to hear. “I want to go home.”

  I watched him calm himself, taking deep breaths and straightening his fingers out of the tight fists they’d formed. “I know you want to go home, but that isn’t best for you. I’m thinking of driving her to Atlanta,” he told me. “Or maybe I can hire a private ambulance.”

  “Why don’t we go back to your house and give things a minute? Maybe my cousin Jia could come over now, too, and check on her,” I suggested. I could tell that Cain didn’t like any of my ideas, but his aunt did, and he reluctantly went along. I called my cousin, the healthcare aide, from the car and she did agree to look in on Miss Liddy, even though it wasn’t what she’d planned for her Saturday night.

  “She’s all right,” I told Cain a little later, as my cousin helped his aunt in her bedroom. “I really don’t think that the doctors would have let her leave if she wasn’t!”

  He shook his head. “I’m not sure of that at all. I’m going to get her to Atlanta tomorrow. This is ridiculous!” He was furious again but now I thought could see what was behind it.

  “It must have been really scary to find her like that,” I said, and put my hand on his arm.

  He looked at it and then nodded. “It was. Do you think I’m acting irrationally, out of fear?”

  “Are you?”

  Cain sat down on the sofa, pulling away from my hand. “I don’t know. No, I really think that she should get a second opinion. That’s just fact, not my fear talking.”

  “Then let her rest and do that tomorrow.” I started to say more, like that I could come if they needed me, but my cousin walked out of the bedroom.

  “Miss Liddy’s asleep,” she told us. “All her vital signs are good. She told me that she hadn’t eaten lunch and didn’t remember breakfast, either.”

  Cain nodded, angry again, but Jia just smiled at him. She was always calm. “I’ll stop by tomorrow so I won’t see you, Ari, at Aunt Jill’s house after services. Are your sisters still fighting?”

  I nodded, feeling a little miserable at the thought of refereeing them for another day.

  “Are you going to Aunt Harlene’s Christmas party next weekend?” she asked me. “We can talk there, if you are.”

  “Oh! I don’t know. I haven’t decided about going to that,” I told her, and she asked me about my nephews’ holiday concert as I walked her out.

  “See?” I said to Cain after I’d watched my cousin go to her car. “I really trust Jia’s opinion. I think she’s very capable. You can check on Miss Liddy in the night, and if you feel strongly about it tomorrow morning, you can take her for a second opinion.”

  Cain still didn’t seem to agree, but he just shrugged. “Did I hear you say that you’re turning down an invitation to a family party?”

  I sat down on the sofa and swallowed. “Aunt Harlene always invites someone who I don’t care for very much. He’s done things that weren’t good. But I will be going, for sure.” I didn’t want to, but I had to.

  “I thought you were supposed to forgive,” Cain pointed out. “Not this guy?”

  “I probably should. I know I should, but I can’t. Uncle Terrance isn’t sorry. I—I tried to talk to him about it once, but he laughed and said I was exaggerating. It had only been a few hugs and kisses, he said.”

  “Aria, what are you talking about?” Suddenly, the air around Cain seemed to get thicker, like when he’d been so angry outside the hospital.

  “Uncle Terrance used to get me alone sometimes and do things.” I twitched my shoulders, remembering. “You know.”

  “I don’t.”

  He didn’t sound angry, just strange. “Probably I am being dramatic. That was what my mama said, but I felt so awful about it, so uncomfortable. He was interested in how I was developing, that was what he told me, and he touched—” I broke off. “You know, I don’t want to talk about this. Since your aunt is better, I can go home.” I got up but then just stood there, not leaving like I’d said I was going to.

  “He’s going to be at this party?” Cain asked me. His voice was hard. Like ice, I thought. “The uncle who molested you. Next weekend he’ll be there, and you’re supposed to go, too? Your mother just overlooks it?”

  “I don’t know if I’d call it—yes, he’ll be there. Uncle Terrance. He isn’t actually my uncle, just some kind of cousin. And my mama really didn’t know what he’d done because I didn’t tell her anything except that I didn’t want to be around him, that I didn’t like him,” I tried to explain. I had no idea how I’d started to tell him all this, when no one else in the world knew. “I didn’t say much except to my sisters, and I didn’t know how to say it so I told them that he was gross and weird, and they agreed that he was a nasty old man and that I should stay away.”

  I stopped and gulped but then the words kept coming. “I get worried about m
y nieces. I should have—I should tell him to stay away from them. I try to watch when he’s around, and that’s why I’ll go to Aunt Harlene’s party. I have to go.”

  Cain stared at me as I stood there, not fidgeting because that had been trained out of me, but really wanting to. It still felt like something—energy? Vibes?—was coming off him in waves. “Well,” I tried again, “I guess I’ll go.” And this time, I actually started for the door.

  “Can I come to your aunt’s party?”

  Of all the things he might have said, I surely didn’t expect that. “Oh! Well, of course, if you want to.”

  “I want to.”

  I nodded. “Of course,” I repeated. “Please let me know tomorrow how Miss Liddy is doing.” He nodded back at me as I almost ran out of the door.

  She was better, he texted to me on Sunday, and refused to go to any other hospital. I was relieved to hear about her and my day was full enough that I didn’t have time to worry about inviting Cain to Aunt Harlene’s party with my family. My sisters were still fighting about the school concert and my mother got involved, saying that of course, Bree’s Aric deserved the solo because he practiced harder, which set off my sister Amory to no end.

  I didn’t see Cain that week because he had to go to California for a few days, and he hired my cousin Jia to stay with his aunt while he did. “I don’t even want to tell you what he’s paying me,” she said when I saw her at Miss Liddy’s house, but then she did tell me, and it was a lot. A real lot! I was busy myself because I was in the midst of working on Eimear’s wedding, following all the checklists I’d created, and planning her shower in February, which I was thrilled to throw. I had so many ideas, it was hard to narrow everything down!

  In any case, it was already Friday before I knew it, and Kayleigh wanted to go to a bar in Cleveland so we drove out there only for her to use her new fake ID to line up eight shots and then vomit in Cassidy’s car on the way home. That meant that they were fighting, too, and it was a late night. I planned to sleep in the next day, but very early and much before I’d wanted to get up, I heard my phone ring. Half-asleep, I answered it.