Here I Go

by Jamie Bennett

  “Aria.”

  “Cain?” I pushed tangles of red hair out of my face. Why did it look so bright? My eyes ached with tiredness and my voice creaked. “Why are you calling this early?”

  “Is it?” he asked me. “We’ve been up for hours. I was texting you but you didn’t answer. I wanted to see what time I should pick you up tonight.”

  “Pick me up,” I repeated. “Oh! The party at my Aunt Harlene’s is tonight.” I wondered how Kayleigh would rebound for it. When I’d last seen her, her head had been in our toilet and she’d been screaming at us to leave her alone, which I had.

  “The party,” Cain agreed. “What time?”

  We settled that issue and he said he’d see me later and goodbye, and then the call was over. I flopped back down on my face and listened to Cassidy snoring slightly, even though she swore she didn’t. Sometimes I needed my earplugs for her, too. With her noise and now thinking about Cain’s call, I wasn’t going to get back to sleep.

  I snuck into the bathroom, where I didn’t find my other cousin still with her head in the toilet, fortunately. But judging by what the mirror showed me, I looked like I might have had my own head in there. And that was also exactly how I felt about being at the party tonight with Uncle Terrance, Cain, and my mother.

  “Not good,” I groaned, and went back to my room to quietly put on my gym clothes. I really needed a workout. Before I even made it out to my car, though, my Aunt Jill also called, worried about her daughter Kayleigh, and then my own mama got in touch to try to squeeze out any information about Kayleigh’s behavior that I hadn’t passed on to Aunt Jill. I hated both those conversations because I couldn’t lie to my aunt and I ended up saying more than I wanted to about my cousin’s party habits, and I didn’t want to gossip to my mother, so she got mad at me for not giving her enough details.

  By the time I was done with them, I was starving and Eimear texted to ask if I could come over earlier to her house than we’d planned. We needed to discuss the menu for her wedding and other important issues. She also wanted to tell me that her fiancé’s grandmother had asked to host the bridal shower with me.

  “She keeps talking about strippers! I don’t think I can take it if Nana starts dancing with naked men,” my friend wrote, and as the maid of honor, I swore that I would handle the stripper problem for her.

  Those things took up most of my day until it was time to get ready for the party and Cassidy and I discovered that Kayleigh had locked herself in the bathroom! We hardly had any time to take showers ourselves when she got out and Cass had to fully devote herself to drying my hair in order to get it curled before Cain was scheduled to come. I had a lot of it.

  “Is it redder?” I asked anxiously. “I’ve been staying out of the sun!”

  “It’s your imagination because you’re nervous. No, Ari, you can’t wear the chase-me-you-know-what-me shoes!”

  I continued to buckle them onto my feet. “I have to! Do you know how many times I’ve missed going to the gym lately? These will make my legs look longer and slimmer.”

  “But you can’t walk in them, and Aunt Harlene lives at the top of a hill and she has a gravel driveway!”

  “Please just keep drying,” I pleaded with her.

  “I don’t know what everyone in the family is going to say about Cain Miller—”

  “Cassidy!” I begged, and she pressed her lips together to stop her words. And then, over the noise of the appliance, we heard the doorbell ring, and Kayleigh yelled that she would get it.

  Cass froze and stopped moving the hair dryer. “She’s drunk,” she told me.

  “Already?”

  “I’m not sure if it’s left over from last night or if it’s from going out with her girlfriends this afternoon. I thought they were just shopping.”

  I moved the dryer because it was burning a hole in my scalp. “Can you go out there with them while I finish? I don’t know what she’ll say to him!”

  Cass nodded and left, and I did the best I could with my thick hair. By the time I made it into the living room, Cain looked absolutely icy and also absolutely gorgeous in a dark suit, Cassidy was red and angry, and Kayleigh was grinning like a pumpkin. I had no idea what could have gone on, but I quickly grabbed my pocketbook and coat and then his arm. “Let’s go!” I told him, and dragged him as fast as my “chase-me-have-marital-relations-with-me” shoes could take us.

  “See you soon, Cain!” I heard Kayleigh call as I shut the door, and I also heard Cassidy’s angry voice start in saying something back to her.

  “Thanks for driving all this way to get me,” I told him.

  “Jia’s still at my aunt’s house and I was working from the club today,” he told me. “I should have just rented office space here for myself. I still may.”

  I let myself briefly imagine both of us working in nearby buildings in the Southside, meeting for lunch and then for dinners. Quiet, romantic dinners…I stopped, because he was saying something about my cousin.

  “That was Kayleigh? I think I remember her as a kid. She got into my aunt’s back yard one time and picked all the flowers.”

  “She did? I don’t remember that. But it does sound like something she might do,” I acknowledged. “She doesn’t actually have any bad in her, just selfishness. And conceit. And…you know, never mind! It’s not my place to judge.”

  “Unless you want to be judged also,” he put in, and I nodded. I certainly didn’t want that.

  “Why was Cassidy so upset when we left?” I asked, because I couldn’t overcome the curiosity.

  “Kayleigh told me she wanted to lick me up and down like a popsicle.”

  “She what?” I had yelled it and my words echoed in the fancy car.

  “I let her know that I wasn’t interested.”

  “She—she—” I stuttered, absolute fury stopping my words from flowing out.

  “It’s all right, Aria. She’d been drinking and she didn’t mean it. What did you do this week? Tell me.” That was what we talked about for the rest of the way to my Aunt Harlene’s house, and my anger at my cousin faded—somewhat.

  It turned out that Cassidy had been right about me having problems climbing the hill to the front door in my party shoes, and I couldn’t stand to see Cain’s frown as he looked down at them because I remembered his remarks about his former girlfriend. He’d hated all the attention she paid to her clothes and makeup, and if I was recalling correctly, he had made a specific mention of how she worried about her shoes. So I didn’t say a word about how mine were killing me and I walked as fast as I could with the pageant smile on my face. But it was better to worry about my foot pain, anyway, than about the reaction we were going to get when we waltzed into this party.

  There were enough people in the house that no one noticed Cain right away, but I could tell when his presence started to become common knowledge. A quiet, hushed whisper ran through the crowd. I hadn’t mentioned to anyone besides Cassidy that he’d be coming, so my mama was in total shock when she saw us.

  “Cain Miller?” she announced, her voice a little too loud.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he answered. “How do you do?”

  She didn’t answer, but turned to me. “Aria Louise!”

  “Mama, your dress is beautiful,” I quickly complimented. “I’m glad you remember Miss Liddy’s nephew. She’s doing better, I believe, and he’s been taking wonderful care of her.”

  I could see that she wanted to say something—I could almost hear the words that I knew were brewing inside her mouth—but my Uncle Jed came to my rescue.

  “Cain, I wouldn’t have recognized you if I’d passed you on the street,” he came over and said, and he held out his hand to shake. That broke the ice a little. No one really warmed to him, but they weren’t actively throwing stones and telling us to leave, either. I stuck right at his side, just in case. Also, because my sisters and my mother couldn’t corner me alone that way.

  “Which one is your Uncle Terrance?” Cain asked me after a
little while of us standing by ourselves with my relatives staring at us.

  I’d been watching him over near the food table, filling his plate and making the same, one-liner jokes he’d always told. I pointed him out, but then put my hand on Cain’s arm. “Why? What are you going to do?”

  “I only want to talk to him,” he said, but when he started to stalk towards the buffet, I skittered along behind as quickly as I could.

  “Terrance,” he stated.

  “Yes?” My third cousin, not really an uncle, turned to Cain with the usual, happy grin on his face. I felt the same way I always did when I was close to him: slightly sick. I remembered him smiling like that at me, telling me that it was all right. It could be our little secret.

  “I’m here with Aria,” Cain told him. “I’m here with the woman you molested when she was a child.” He reached for Terrance, like he was going to grab him somehow, but I took his hand and held it between mine.

  The grin disappeared. “I don’t know what she told you—”

  “You’ll leave now,” Cain said. “You won’t come back near anyone in this family. You won’t go near another little girl, not ever again.” It was like his words were frozen, they were so cold. “If you do, you best believe I’ll kill you.”

  I believed him. I thought I might throw up.

  Uncle Terrance looked even worse. He was breathing hard and he stared around Cain at me. “Biscuit, you haven’t been saying—”

  “Don’t talk to her. Don’t even look at her.”

  Terrance’s eyes dropped. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “Get out of here. Now.”

  Terrance put down his full plate and walked toward the door as fast as I’d ever seen him move. He didn’t say another word although several of my relatives called to him on his way out.

  “Aria? Are you all right?” Cain asked me.

  “Would you really kill him?”

  “I want to right now for how he hurt you.” He put his arm around me and I leaned against him, even though I knew all the eyes of my family would be on us.

  “Cain.” I stopped and pressed my face into his shoulder, very close to crying.

  “Let’s get you a drink. Something non-alcoholic.” I let him lead me and tried to breathe normally, tried to put a happy smile on my face. That smile was a lie.

  “I had to say something,” Cain told me as he poured a glass of water. “I want to call the police—”

  “No,” I said sharply. “No. I won’t talk about it anymore. He’s gone, and it’s over.”

  “Ok.” Now Cain’s voice was very soft, as gentle as when he spoke to his aunt. “Ok, whatever you want.” I took a big sip from the glass he’d put into my hand and then reapplied my lipstick with shaking fingers.

  “I only wanted him to leave us alone. I think he will now, so I won’t worry about it anymore.” I wanted Cain to put his arm around me again too, but he just nodded and I nodded back.

  The party went on but my quivery feeling didn’t lessen. I still stuck with Cain as much as I could, neither of us saying much and probably neither of us enjoying our time there either. But eventually, he got pulled outside by my Uncle Jed to talk and have a cigar. That left me trying to hide from my sisters and mother and everyone else who wanted to ask me about Cain Miller, but I wasn’t the only scandal at the party tonight.

  First Cassidy had shown up, furious and showing it. She went into a corner with Bo, talking a mile a minute and then, suddenly, they were kissing passionately until her mother had to put a stop to it! I’d been close to applauding but before I could do anything, Cass and Bo had practically run out the door, and she wasn’t responding to my messages. I was hoping, really hoping, for some wonderful news from her!

  Then Kayleigh had wandered in very late, you-hooing as loudly as she could, and that caused an even bigger scene. There was no hiding that she’d been drinking way too much, and her parents had hustled her down the hall and into Aunt Harlene’s bedroom fast. But she hadn’t disappeared before we all heard her announce that she was old enough now to do whatever the tuck she wanted (but she said the other word, the one that started with F).

  My mama’s gossip detector must have been on high alert and Bree and Mory’s arguments were nothing in the face of what the youngest cousins—me, included—had done at this party tonight. Mama took off down the hall after Aunt Jill and Uncle Cy and their drunken daughter and she didn’t come back into the living room for a while, which gave me some moments of relief. But finally, there was nowhere left to run and she did manage to corner me. She was furious that I’d come with Cain and let me know it.

  “Aria Louise!” she spat out angrily. “What were you thinking bringing him here? Why didn’t you tell me what you were getting up to?”

  And I got just as angry right back at her. She had no right to exclude him! “I was thinking that it’s been fifteen years since he left, and that people can change! He has. I’ve seen it! I thought we were supposed to accept redemption and believe the best of people. Is that true, or are we Pharisees and it’s only for show and not in our hearts?”

  “What did you say to me?” She stared, mouth dropping open. “How dare you?”

  “Amory just told me that her Teagan is going to be taller than Gentry,” Aubree announced, sidling up next to us. “There’s no way. Right? She’s only angry because—”

  “Aubree, your sister and I are in a conversation!” Mama snapped, using a tone that Bree didn’t often have directed her way. My sister’s eyes widened then narrowed in anger.

  But I didn’t have much left to say, not to my mama or to anyone else, except for one thing. “We’ll leave. Cain and I will go. Ok? We’ll go,” I told them both, and turned away. I went outside to find Cain and said the same thing to him: “I want to go.” I was done with my family.

  Chapter 5

  “We’re here.”

  “What?” I sat up straight but a seat belt stopped me, and I realized I was in a car. Cain’s car. “Did I fall asleep?” I asked him, confused.

  “Almost the moment you sat down,” he said. “We’re at your apartment now. Come on, I’ll walk you up.”

  It took me a moment before I unclicked my seat belt, and Cain had already come around to open my door. I stepped out, but wobbled horribly and fell back, steadying myself on the car.

  “You can’t walk in those shoes.”

  I was still half-asleep, but I was awake enough to argue. “No, I can. They’re fine!”

  “No.” He reached past me to close my door then held out his arm. “Lean on me.”

  I realized that I needed to. “I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I explained. “Kayleigh was up and sick.”

  “And then I called bright and early.” He looked down at me as my ankle turned, again. “Aria, hold on.”

  He picked me up.

  “Put me down!” I said frantically. “Put me down, right now! You’ll get a hernia! You’ll slip a disc and pinch a nerve! If you drop me, I’ll break the bones in your feet! You have to put me down, Cain!”

  “We’re almost to your door. You don’t weigh very much.”

  He had to be some kind of super strongman, like he carried around anchors in his spare time. “Cain, please. Please put me down!”

  He did, slowly, when we were at my door. I opened it, walked inside, and burst into tears.

  “Oh, Jesus, Aria—I didn’t mean to make you cry!” I heard him say, but he hadn’t. Everything had. I tried to tell him so by putting my hands on his chest, which led to me leaning in and hugging him tightly. He hugged me back, and I felt him patting my back, like you’d do to a child. I was, just a silly, crying baby, just like Aubree used to call me.

  “Come on,” I heard him say after a while. “It’s late, Aria. Come on to bed. Things will be better in the morning. You’ll feel better.”

  I probably would feel better sometime, I agreed, but I was very unhappy at the moment. I took off the shoes and led him to the room I shared with Cassidy,
not caring that he would see my collection of bunny rabbit stuffed animals, or the many purses that Cass and I shared and stored in a pile in the corner, or my sheets with the pink hearts on them that said “luvbug.” My memaw had given me those. I sat down on the bed on the pink hearts and he sat next to me and I put my arms around him again, because it felt very, very comforting to feel his strong shoulders and to rest my cheek against his hard chest.

  “I’m sorry I talked to your uncle tonight,” he said. “I didn’t want to make you so upset.”

  “It’s not just that.” But it was a lot that, because the whole night, I’d been remembering. “It came back to me so strongly, mostly how scared I was. I was very confused, too, because what he was doing—I knew it wasn’t right, but what he was telling me, that I’d get in trouble, that everyone would think I was a liar—I was so confused. I always missed my daddy, but there have been times that I was lost without him. This—Uncle Terrance was one of them.”

  “Dawson McCourt would have shot that piece of shit where he stood.”

  Maybe it was better that he’d never known, then.

  “It’s probably why that man targeted you,” Cain went on. “He knew you didn’t have your father.”

  I cried harder, even as I tried to stop. So many things were coming out as tears, like Kayleigh propositioning Cain, and me being three pounds heavier than I had been two weeks before, and planning Eimear’s wedding instead of my own. I was happy for her and I was happy that Cassidy was kissing Bo, but still—what was I doing wrong that made me be alone? I thought of my mama, too, her anger at me for bringing Cain to the party, and my sisters fighting all the time, and my boss asking me about a future that I wasn’t too sure of, not anymore.

  “I’m tired,” I said. “I want to go to sleep and feel better in the morning.”

  “Then lay down.”

  But I didn’t let go as I did that, and I pulled him along with me. Before this moment, there had never, ever been a man in my bed.

  “Aria, I can’t stay here,” Cain told me.