Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

  He shook his head and she felt a little stab of pain. I need to talk this through too, Nathan. Don’t shut me out. But instantly she bit it back. She was struggling, but it was nothing like the abyss Nathan had plunged into. She went up on tiptoes and kissed him lightly. “When you come in, will you wake me if I’m asleep?”

  There was a brief nod in the darkness. He squeezed her hand once and then was gone.

  Benjamin found him just after four a.m. He was nearly past the silent figure sitting in the rocking chair on the porch of the Steed Family Dry Goods and General Store, but then the rocker creaked and he saw the movement. Benjamin slowed his step, then stopped altogether.

  “Nathan?”

  “What are you doing out at this hour?”

  “Just walking. And you?”

  There was a soft grunt. “Just rocking.”

  “I like your way better. Mind if I join you?” In the shadows Benjamin thought he saw a shrug. He decided to go over anyway. There was a second wicker chair on the other end of the porch. He picked it up and came back to sit beside his son. “Not a good night for sleeping, is it?”

  “Not really.” There was a derisive laugh. “Do you think Carl is sleeping tonight?”

  He shrugged. “It’s hard to tell what Carl is thinking. He wasn’t saying much. On the surface, at least, he seems less upset by it than Melissa. She is really struggling.”

  “Who isn’t?” Nathan shot back.

  Benjamin ignored that. “You heard about Carl’s experience with Israel Barlow?”

  “Yes, Lydia told me about it.”

  “Oddly enough, that really had an impact on him. He’s a long ways from being ready to accept Joseph as the Prophet, but he certainly has a new respect for him.”

  “Enough respect that he’ll accept Joseph’s telling people to take more than one wife?”

  “It all kind of comes down to that, doesn’t it? Is Joseph speaking for God or isn’t he?”

  Nathan’s head shot up. “Do you think he is, Pa? Do you think God requires this?”

  Benjamin shot right back at him. “Are you ready to say that Joseph is a fallen prophet?”

  “I—”

  “Or that he’s been deluded on this? That somehow he has made this terrible mistake?”

  Nathan looked away.

  “It’s not a pleasant question, is it? But that is the fundamental issue here. It is for you. It is for me. It will be for Melissa, and for every other member of the Church when they learn about this. Is Joseph speaking for God on this or isn’t he?”

  Nathan finally swung back around. “Do you really think that Joshua is going to care one way or another?”

  “Why is it that you always keep pushing this off onto Joshua’s shoulders? Is that really all that is bothering you?”

  “Maybe not, but your son will be home in the next two or three days. He’s going to want some answers. And I promised to get them for him.”

  “So that’s it? You were so sure there was nothing to any of this. Now you have to admit to Joshua that you were wrong. That will be tough, all right.”

  Nathan bristled at that. “You know it’s more than that.”

  “We agreed we’d tell Joshua the truth.”

  “I can just hear me now. ‘Oh yeah, Joshua, by the way, there is some slight truth to what you’ve been hearing. God has said it’s all right to have more than one woman as your wife. No, of course it’s not out of hand. Well, yes, Joseph has married someone else. And yes, Heber Kimball has, and soon Brigham Young will also. Maybe a few other brethren too. But don’t be alarmed. At least they haven’t asked for Caroline yet.’”

  Nathan slammed a clenched fist down against the handle of the rocking chair. “He’ll never let Caroline be baptized now. Assuming she even still wants to.”

  “Why wouldn’t she?”

  “Because she just might have a couple of questions of her own about this whole thing, Pa!” He threw up his hands. “Didn’t that ever occur to you?”

  “Nathan, I—”

  “No, don’t, Pa. I’m not up to a sermon tonight.”

  The tension was almost palpable, but when Benjamin spoke he kept his voice even and controlled. “No sermons, just one question.”

  There was a resigned sigh and he turned his head aside. “All right, go ahead.”

  “If Caroline asked you right now if she should be baptized, what would you tell her?”

  He stared out into the darkness, not moving, giving no sign that he had heard.

  Benjamin stood up and picked up his chair with a hard yank. “Never mind. As of a little while ago, Caroline has fewer questions about this than you do. Maybe you ought to go to her! Looks to me like it’s your faith that needs the buttressing here.”

  He went back down the length of porch and set the chair back in its original position with a solid clunk. He could hear Nathan’s angry breathing behind him. He didn’t turn, just stepped off the porch and started away. But then he turned back.

  “I’ll tell you one other thing you don’t want to hear, Nathan. You say you’re afraid that once he hears all this, Joshua isn’t going to let Caroline be baptized. Well, when he gets back, the first thing Joshua is going to do is start asking you questions. And if you haven’t got this resolved in your own mind?” He shook his head. “You’re going to be the worst thing that could happen to her.”

  When Caroline stumbled out of the bedroom shortly after eight o’clock, rumpled and bleary-eyed, Will and Olivia had the two younger children at the table feeding them breakfast. Charles, who had turned two in February, raised his arms for her. “Mama. Mama.”

  She moved over to him, bent down, and gave him a solid hug. That satisfied him and he went back to eating. She moved to Savannah and gave her a kiss. “Why didn’t you come home last night, Mama?” she asked. “I waited for you.”

  Will laughed. “That means she stalled and wouldn’t go to bed until after ten o’clock.”

  Caroline kissed her daughter again, smiling. “Mama was with Grandma and Grandpa until late.” She moved to Olivia and took her hand. Then she looked at Will. “Thanks, you two, for taking care of them so well.”

  Will watched her closely. “What time did you get home? I was up until almost midnight.”

  “It was a little after that.” She grimaced. “It was a short night for sleeping.” Then she turned to ward off any more questions. “Savannah, Charles is almost done. Can you be my big girl and go help him get dressed?”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  She sat quietly with Will and Olivia until Charles climbed down and Savannah took him upstairs. As soon as they heard the door shut, Will turned to her. “Is everything all right, Mama?”

  “Everything is fine. We just had some things we had to talk about. Some serious things. It took a long time.”

  Olivia stood. “You want some breakfast, Mama?”

  “No, I don’t think so.” She smiled at her daughter, pleased at what she saw. Olivia had turned fourteen in November and had become a young woman now. And she was a beautiful young woman. The little girlishness was nearly gone. She was poised and confident, an accomplished pianist, a voracious reader, the pride of her father’s eye, and not only a daughter to Caroline now but a companion as well.

  Olivia stood and began to clear the table. Caroline turned to Will. “I expect your father will be home today or tomorrow. Maybe the next day.”

  “I would guess tomorrow or the next day.”

  “He’ll want to know what you’re going to do, Will.”

  Olivia stopped, setting the plates she had in her hand back down again. She came around and sat beside her brother. “What are you going to do, Will?”

  “I’m going to be baptized.” He said it with quiet determination.

  “But I thought you said you wanted to wait for Mama,” Olivia blurted.

  “I do.”

  Caroline reached out across the table and took both of their hands. “I think I am going to be baptized too.”

&n
bsp; Will grinned widely. “Really?”

  Olivia was shocked. “You are?”

  “Before your father left, he said that there were some things he had to tell me about the Church. He said that if I still wanted to be baptized after hearing about those things, he would not stand in the way anymore.” She took a quick breath. “Well, I heard about those things last night and—” She held up her hand, staving off Olivia’s question. “It’s something I can’t talk about with you yet. But I’ve heard them now, and I still want to be baptized.”

  Now she turned to Will, and concern pulled at her mouth and darkened her eyes. “What I heard last night will greatly upset your father. He may change his mind. I think he may try to stop you from going ahead, Will.”

  “I’ve waited long enough,” he answered simply.

  “I know. And even if it works out that I can’t, you must go ahead. That was your answer from the Lord, Will. You have to follow that.”

  “Mama?”

  She looked to Olivia.

  “I want to be baptized with you.”

  Will snapped around in surprise. Caroline had expected no less. She knew that Olivia had read the Book of Mormon now. She was praying night and morning. They had talked much about it while Will and Joshua had been gone. “I know, Olivia,” said Caroline.

  “Will Papa let me?”

  “I hope so.” She turned back to Will. “There’s something I want to say to both of you.”

  “All right.”

  “Do you remember when you got your answer, Will? Do you remember how you felt?”

  “Yes, very well.”

  “That was the Spirit whispering to you, Will. That is how Heavenly Father speaks to us.”

  “I know.”

  “Heavenly Father told you that he wants you to become a member of his church. I want you to remember that, no matter what else happens—if your father tries to dissuade you, or if you hear things that upset you. Just remember the feeling you had and what it means.”

  Olivia’s eyes were shining now with excitement. “I have the same feelings. I know it’s true. Papa thinks it’s just because all of the family and all of my friends are Mormons. But I know it’s true, Mama. I do.”

  “That’s wonderful, Olivia. That’s how I feel inside too.”

  “But what if Papa won’t believe me? What if he won’t let me be baptized?”

  Now Caroline squeezed both of their hands. “It will work out. Your papa made a bargain with me. It will work out.”

  “I’ve never seen him like this, Mother Steed.” Lydia bit her lip and began to draw circles on the table with her fingertip. “He wouldn’t talk to me about it at all when he finally came back this morning. He says he’s just got to work it out on his own. He left again right away. He wouldn’t eat breakfast. He just left.”

  “So he doesn’t know how you feel?”

  She shook her head.

  “And now that the morning’s come, how do you feel, Lydia?”

  “At peace.”

  That caught Mary Ann by surprise. “But last night you were still very troubled. You said you weren’t sure what to think about all of this.”

  “Now I’m sure.”

  Mary Ann smiled and reached out a hand. “Why? What happened?”

  Lydia took her mother-in-law’s hand and held it. “This is so strange for me. Always it has been me who wavered. I was the one who thought Joseph was a religious crackpot back in Palmyra. Nathan never questioned but what Joseph was called of God. I’m the one who ran home to Mama when Nathan left on Zion’s Camp. Nathan came to Palmyra and put me back together. I was the one who nearly fell apart spiritually when little Nathan died. Nathan never wavered. Now suddenly he’s like a rag in the wind, and I’m the one who’s at peace.”

  “But what made the difference?”

  “Vilate.” She smiled. “And Caroline.”

  Mary Ann understood the reference to Vilate. For the women especially, Vilate’s testimony had carried a powerful impact. “Why Caroline?”

  “Caroline came over for a while this morning. We talked a long time. And do you know what she said? This really hit me. This probably was the turning point for me.”

  “What?”

  “We had been talking about what Vilate said, and I said something about how comforting it would be to have that kind of powerful witness for yourself that this was a true principle. Caroline just looked at me and said, ‘Lydia, I believe Vilate’s story. I don’t have to have my own vision.’”

  “Oh,” Mary Ann murmured in soft surprise. “What a wonderful way to put it. ‘I don’t have to have my own vision.’”

  “She’s right. I’ve thought about it ever since then. I don’t question in any way that Joseph is a prophet. I believe he still speaks for God. I had a strong witness of that in our last Relief Society meeting.”

  “Me too.”

  “So that’s not it. My struggle is with what it will mean to have to live it, to have to share Nathan with . . .” She couldn’t finish and looked away quickly. One hand went across her stomach. “It makes me sick just to think about it. It does. I get physically sick right here.” She took a deep breath, then another, and then went on. “But if it comes to that, then I’ll ask the Lord to give me the strength and the understanding. And until then, I don’t need my own vision.”

  “You need to say that to Nathan.”

  “I will, if he ever comes home.”

  Mary Ann just nodded, feeling the pain for her son. Then her thoughts turned to another of her children. “Will you and Caroline go talk to Melissa?”

  “Yes, we talked about that. This has hit her really hard.”

  “Melissa has a sweet and simple faith, Lydia. She always has. But she’s not as strong as you and Caroline. You’re at peace. Caroline is going to come through this with Joshua. But Melissa?” She shook her head sadly. “I don’t know how she’ll do. And Carl’s not there—not in this—to stand by her. She needs to hear you and Caroline tell her how you feel.”

  “We’ll go over sometime today.”

  “Thank you. It will be better coming from you.”

  “Do you know what’s strange, Mother Steed?”

  “What?”

  Lydia had to steel herself again. “I told you how I feel about the possibility of having to share Nathan with another woman, but this morning, while I was nursing Josiah, I had a revelation of my own.” She colored immediately. “Well, not a real revelation, but a thought.”

  “What?”

  “I was thinking about Jessica. What if she had never met Solomon? What if she had to be a widow all the rest of her life? And suddenly, at that moment, I thought to myself, I would share Nathan with Jessica.” Sudden tears sprang to her eyes. “I love her that much. If it meant that she wouldn’t have to be alone for the rest of her life, I could share Nathan with Jessica.”

  Mary Ann was looking at her in wonder. “I had never thought of it in that way.”

  “I could share him with Jennifer Jo or Caroline if Matthew or Joshua were to die. These women are the sisters I never had.” She clung to Mary Ann’s hands now. “And maybe that was my vision. And for now, that’s enough.”

  “I’m not sure I want to talk about this anymore.” Melissa stood up and went to where Sarah was playing with the new puppy Carl had brought home for her a few days before.

  “Melissa—,” Caroline started. They were at Melissa’s house, having come just after lunch to visit and talk and strengthen.

  “No, I really don’t. It gets me too upset. I start to think about Carl taking another wife and it all starts welling up inside.” Her bottom lip started to tremble, and she bent down quickly and picked up the pup. She held it to her breast, rubbing its ears back and forth, back and forth.

  “But Melissa,” Lydia pointed out, “you’re not going to have to face that. Carl isn’t a member. You heard what Brigham said last night. This isn’t something a person just takes upon himself. Joseph is the only one who has the keys of this
power. He chooses under the inspiration of the Lord. He would never ask a nonmember to do this.”

  “That’s right,” Caroline said emphatically. “I’ve got to make that clear to Joshua, too. This won’t ever affect our marriage either, unless he and Carl were ever baptized, then—”

  “I don’t want Carl to be baptized!” It came out with a ferocity that shocked the other two. Melissa looked away, holding the dog so tightly that it began to whine. “Well, I don’t,” she whispered. “All this time I’ve been hoping that he would feel something toward the Church. Now . . .” She shook her head. “I’m not sure I ever want him too.”

  “Melissa, you can’t mean that,” said Lydia. “You’re just upset.”

  “You’re certainly right about that.” She was near tears now. “I am upset, but if you think it’s just that, that my feelings will change when things settle down, well, you’re wrong. This is wrong, Lydia! This is terribly wrong.”

  Caroline watched Melissa with deep sadness. “And what is Carl feeling by now?”

  “Well, as you saw, he didn’t say much last night. But he’s been brooding about it all night. He’s very disturbed about it. ”

  “Does he think Joseph and Brigham and Heber are doing this because . . . ?” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  Melissa leaned down and handed the puppy back to her daughter. “No. He thinks they’re sincere. He doesn’t think it is out of lustful motives. But sincerity doesn’t make it right. He doesn’t believe it’s from God, that’s for sure. And he thinks it is a terrible mistake. ‘This is going to bring down another Missouri on our heads.’ He just kept saying that over and over. ”

  “But Melissa—”

  Her hands came up. “Please. Not right now. I can’t. Maybe later.”

  Caroline looked at Lydia, who finally nodded. They went to her and hugged her tightly, each in turn. “When you’re ready,” Lydia said, “we’re here.”

  She reached out and took both of their hands. “I know.” The tears were just below the surface again. “And I appreciate that. I’m sorry. I know I should be strong, but I just can’t be.” She looked away. “I can’t.”

  Nathan hung back, deep in the shadows of a honeysuckle bush. He was barely aware of the touch of its trumpet-shaped flowers and the powerful fragrance that emanated from them. His feet were sore and the back of his legs ached abominably. But he was barely aware of that too. He had walked for miles out on the prairie, sometimes dropping to his knees, sometimes just standing there, staring at nothing. He had even curled up sometime during the afternoon and slept fitfully for an hour. But even then the voices in his mind kept shouting at him, pleading with him, taunting him.