by L. P. Maxa
He wasn’t being an asshole. He wasn’t cocky or demanding. He was silently strong. And that was the reason I told him what I did. That was the reason I gave him the only explanation I had. Every reason I had for dumping him, every reason I had for burying my feelings for him. They didn’t make sense anymore.
My baby sister was right. Crue was right. It was my fault too. I was selfish, and I went along with every decision made. I was fine with Cash’s sacrifices when they were benefiting me. I never spoke out. I never told him he should stop switching places with his twin. It’d never even crossed my mind. I was so hurt, so fucking mad at Crue for letting that girl blackmail him. Blackmail us. But what other option did he have? Cash would have been exposed. Our parents would have found out that we’d been lying to them for years. Crue was backed into a corner, and he did what he thought was best for everyone involved.
In the end, Crue learned from his brother: he sacrificed himself.
“Cash is a martyr. He’s been picking Halen up off the floor every morning, helping her get dressed and get to school.” Crue was sitting in the old chair by the back gate, and I was sitting on his lap.
“He’s your martyr, too. He’s been on like three dates in your place this month?”
Crue tugged playfully at my ponytail. “Can’t have anyone finding out about us, then we wouldn’t be able to sneak down here to make out.” He kissed the side of my neck. “No more climbing into your window after your daddy goes to bed.” He slipped his hand inside my shirt. “No more skinny dipping at the pool house under the stars.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” I giggled when he tickled my ribs.
“No, baby, we can’t have that.” He sighed, leaning his head back. “Cash has always been better than the rest of us. It’s who he is.”
“Avory? Is everything okay?”
I smiled at the concern in Cash’s voice when he answered the phone, dragging me away from the past. He was the kindest person I knew. “Yeah, I think it will be.” I cleared my throat. “There’s something I need to say to you. Can I come in?”
“Oh, sure, are you here?” Their front door opened, and Cash waved me inside. He was wearing his old ratty ball cap backward, his blond hair sticking out. I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic looking at him.
I climbed out of my car, heading up their front walk. I’d left Crue’s and immediately driven to Cash’s. There were things, long overdue things, that I needed to say to the boy who used to be one of my best friends. If I was ever going to forgive Crue, I needed to forgive myself first. And that started here.
Cash held the door wide, closing it behind us. “Katie is still asleep, she was up feeling sick all night.” He was speaking softly, not wanting to wake his pregnant wife. “You sure everything is all right? You don’t look so great.”
From anyone else, I’d be offended. But I knew Cash was honestly asking. I sighed, turning to face him as I shuffled my feet. “I’m sorry.” His eyes narrowed, like he was confused. “I’m sorry for everything that happened when we were kids. I’m sorry for what we asked of you. I’m sorry that I was so damn selfish.” I stepped closer to him, reaching for his hands. “I’m sorry that I let you put Crue and me first, over and over and over. I’m sorry.”
He stared at me for a few moments, like he was letting my apology really sink in. They were words that I should have said a long time ago. “Come here.” He pulled me forward, wrapping his arms around my neck. “I forgive you.” He kissed the top of my head. “But, Avory, I’m a big boy. I made my own choices, and I made them out of love.”
“We should’ve never put you in that position in the first place.” I wrinkled my nose. “We were assholes.”
He chuckled, letting me go. “He was an asshole, and you were a spoiled brat.” The laughter left his eyes. “We aren’t the same people we used to be, Avory. Being with Crue again doesn’t mean you have to be the girl you were when you were seventeen.”
“You know about Crue and me?” Not that there was a whole lot to know. But I supposed that we were even on speaking terms again warranted as newsworthy.
“Are you kidding? My twin is truly happy for the first time in five years. Who else could make that change in him?”
That felt like a lot of pressure, like an elephant sitting on my chest. “I shouldn’t be in charge of anyone’s happiness.” Hell, I had a hard enough time conjuring my own.
“Maybe that came out wrong.” Cash perched on the edge of his loveseat. “Crue is happy. He has a good life and he knows it. But he has never, not for one single day, stopped loving you, Avory. His life is incomplete without you.”
Incomplete.
“What am I going to do when you’re at UT? I’m so used to seeing you in the halls every day, my life is going to be incomplete.” Crue was graduating in a matter of days, and my heart was already aching at the separation that was on its way.
“I’ll still see you every day.” He smirked. “I’ll still toss you in my truck to ride back roads.”
“What if it’s not the same?” I was so utterly terrified that Crue graduating would make things change between us.
“It won’t be the same, it’ll be better. One step closer to us leaving this compound together.” He moved his hands up my thighs. I was straddling his lap in his parents’ theater room. “And as long as I have you heart, your life will never be incomplete, baby.”
I took my heart from him. I ripped it out of his hands. That night, when I found him down by the back gate, he looked so destroyed. I knew he was hurting, but I was hurting too. And I chose me, like I always did back then.
Cash was right. We’d grown up. I might have been a brat when I was seventeen years old and in love, but that didn’t mean I still was one. I was an adult now, and so was Crue. He’d been a bit of an ass over the last couple of weeks, but I was starting to wonder if that had been for my benefit and not his own. Either way, it was time to stop letting the past repeat itself.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Avory
Now
After I apologized to Cash, I went back to my loft. Although I felt better, there was still a weight on my chest. On my heart. I was foolish enough to think that maybe taking that step, saying the words I should have said to Cash years ago would fix everything. Would give me the clarity I needed. But I was still confused, still torn. Memories kept assaulting me, stealing my breath and my ability to think clearly. The past was so vivid I felt everything I had back then. I could feel the love for Crue flowing through when I remembered all the nights he’d hold me, whispering sweet words into the dark sky. I could almost taste the lust, the way my body would respond to his every command. But it had all gone to shit, and I remembered that too. We’d hurt each other, and worse, we’d hurt Cash, the guy who’d martyred himself for his twin and me, and the guilt I felt over that wasn’t a memory; it was new, raw, and extremely fresh.
I collapsed onto my bed, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it.
I tossed the pillow that had been covering my mouth to the side, wrapping my arms around Crue as he rolled to the side and pulled me close. “Mmmmm.”
“I’ve reduced you to sounds, not words. I like it.”
I snuggled into his naked chest, sticky with drying sweat. “I formed words.”
“You screamed my name. I’ll also take that as a win for me.”
My parents weren’t home. They were in Austin for some event. But my sisters were, and screaming out my boyfriend’s name in complete ecstasy seemed rude. So I’d grabbed a pillow and muffled my cries. “We need our own place. When are you going apartment hunting with Cash?”
I wasn’t a fan of Crue and me not being at the same school next year, but I was beyond ready for him and Cash to have their own place. No more pillows over my face.
“Uh, we aren’t.” I turned over, meeting his wary gaze. “Cash got into school in Cali, they want him to play ball.”
“Oh wow.” Crue and Cash both played, but it was Cash’s life
, he loved it, and he was spectacular at it. “That’s great for him, but what does that mean for you? Are you going to live here at the compound instead?”
He licked his lips. “I thought maybe I’d spend a year in the dorms, meet some new people. Maybe I’ll join a frat and live in the house, I don’t know. I’ve never really been without Cash, but it could be good for me, you know?”
“So Cash is moving across the country, you’re going to move into a frat house and start letting sorority chicks blow you at parties, and I’ll be here. On the compound. All alone.”
Crue sat up, glaring down at me. “You think I’d do that to you? Jesus, Avory, I’m going to college, not getting a lobotomy. And alone? Are any of us ever alone on this damn compound?”
I knew I was being unreasonable, but I couldn’t stop myself. Everything was changing and I was freaking the hell out. I wouldn’t have Cash and Crue with me, and I didn’t know what life looked like without them. I shrugged like I wasn’t in the middle of a nervous breakdown. “Maybe moving away will restore your factory settings.”
Crue shook his head, jaw clenched tight. I’d pissed him off. He got up, grabbing his jeans from the floor. “You’re being a brat, and I don’t have the fucking patience for it tonight.” He pulled his shirt off my dresser. “Cash going to Cali is hard on me too, and you giving me shit isn’t what I fucking need.”
“Fine. Leave.” I was shaking on the inside, but on the outside I had to give off the “I don’t give a shit” vibe. I got out of bed, slipping on a shirt of his I’d long ago stolen. “You got what you came for anyway.” So had I. I’d come so hard I had to put a fucking pillow over my face.
Crue scoffed, sitting halfway out of my window. “Your insecurities are showing, baby.”
“Leave.” I put steel behind that word when really I wanted to cry and beg him to stay.
He hopped out of my window and the moment he disappeared, I collapsed. The pain in my chest was so fucking real. Cash was leaving me, Crue was leaving me. They were both going to move on and I’d still be here. I couldn’t live without Crue. I wouldn’t survive the next year. What if he met someone better? Or what if he got drunk at a party and cheated on me? I couldn’t control what I couldn’t see. I was crying, heaving tears of frustration and trepidation.
“Come here, baby.” I didn’t hear Crue lift the window, but I felt him as he picked me up. “It’s all going to be okay, I promise.” He laid me back in my bed, holding me tight while I sobbed against his chest.
“I’m sorry I told you to go. I didn’t mean it, I won’t do it again.”
He kissed my tears. “I love you more than anything in this whole fucking world and I’ll never leave you.” He pulled back, giving me a soft smile. “No matter how hard you push.”
I tossed the pillow to the side, wiping the tears that memory had caused. We’d both lied. I’d pushed him away again, the night I broke up with him, and he’d let me. He didn’t come after me, he didn’t scoop me up off the ground and tell me everything was going to be okay. Not that time.
I thought it was because he knew he was in the wrong. I thought he was admitting guilt. But I could see now, that wasn’t it. He needed me to be the one to hold him, to assure him we were all going to be all right. I didn’t know how to be strong back then because I didn’t have to be. I always had Cash and Crue at my side, being in charge and fixing what I broke. I was a spoiled brat, a child. But that wasn’t me anymore.
I was better than the girl I used to be.
I was strong enough to be the one to pick us up this time.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Crue
Now
I spent two days locked in my house. I wanted to reach out to Avory. I wanted to text her. I wanted to demand she tell me what she meant. I wanted to know if she forgave me. There was a spark of hope in my chest, the same one that had been there since she lied to me about breaking up with Colin by the back gate. I knew she had feelings for me. I knew being together the last few nights were bringing them back to life. But I didn’t know what that meant for our future, and it was slowly killing me.
I was on the couch, watching baseball with a beer in my hand. I was trying to distract myself, trying like hell to go back to business as usual. I didn’t want to let her moods affect my entire life, but like when we were kids, that was harder than hell.
“Bro. You’re all twitchy and shit.” Brody glanced over at me from his place on the floor in front of the flat screen. “I can hear your brain working overtime from here.”
“Same.” Jett was over too, posted up in my recliner. The early evening game was the perfect excuse for all the married and engaged spawn to run from their homes and into the old red barn.
“You want to talk about it?” Cash was sitting beside me, his position mirroring mine. We looked alike, had the same mannerisms. But that was where our similarities ended. I’d always loved my twin, but the older we got, the more I admired him. Respected the hell out of his kind soul.
I sighed. “It’s Avory.”
Jett chuckled. “Isn’t it always? That girl has had you by the balls a long-ass time, broken up or not.”
“Don’t be a dick.” Brody reached his hand back, slapping Jett’s leg. “And don’t act like Devin doesn’t keep your balls in a mason jar in the damn kitchen.”
“Avory came to see me yesterday.” Cash’s words were softly spoken, but we all heard him.
I turned to him, my eyes wide. “Yeah?”
“She came to apologize for everything that happened when we were kids.” Cash’s smile was small.
“Holy shit. Avory Connor said I’m sorry?” Jett raised his beer in the air, like he was saluting the room. “Anyone want to mark this day on the calendar?”
“Crue apologized the other night too.” Cash punch me lightly on the leg. “But I forgave them both a long time ago.”
“The brat and the asshole? Two unexpected apologies in a matter of days? Damn. You had a good week, C Money.” Jett drained his beer, reaching into the ice bucket we’d sat on the coffee table for another.
“Is it impossible for you to not run your mouth? Do you have a medical condition?” Brody sat up, shaking his head at my younger brother.
Brody and Jett continued to rib each other and Cash spoke so only I could hear. “You and Avory aren’t the same people you were back then. It’s been five years, man.” He paused, like he was trying to gather the right words. “You got her attention, you got her to let her guard down. Now stop trying to re-create the past, and start a new beginning.”
***
The sun had set. Brody, Jett, and Cash had gone home to their families. I was still on the couch, unsure of my next move. Cash’s advice resonated, and scared the shit out of me. New beginning. Starting over. I wanted to remind her of the guy she’d fallen for when she was fifteen, but had that really done anything other than get her in my bed? Did I make the right choice? Or did I simply lead her down a memory lane that ended in an epic crash and burn?
My cell vibrated in my pocket and I shifted on the couch to pull it out.
Avory: What are you wearing?
I almost couldn’t believe my eyes. She’d texted me. Avory had initiated a conversation with me, and, basically, I was feeling giddy.
Crue: A smile.
Avory: You got plans tonight?
Crue: I’ve been sitting here for the last hour contemplating texting this girl I’m into.
Avory: And then she texted you first.
Crue: She did.
She was being flirty, and my heart was fucking soaring. Screw being seventeen again. I felt like a damn junior high boy with his first crush.
Avory: Meet me down by the back gate?
Crue: When?
Avory: Now.
Crue: On my way.
I hopped up, stepping into my shoes and leaving the house in mere seconds. I refused to run all the way to the back gate. I still had some cool points left and I intended to keep them. I was nervous
and excited.
But more than anything else, I was hopeful.
Chapter Thirty
Avory
Now
Pacing in the dark, making pass after pass in front of that old chair that had probably been down here since the beginning of time, I couldn’t stand still if someone paid me ten million dollars. The night air was cool, the breeze chilling the slight sweat covering my skin. The moon was bright, low in the sky, and full. I’d gotten my ass handed to me by my younger sister, and I’d made an apology that I should have made more than five years ago. Damn, that was a lot, but at the same time, it was exactly what I needed.
Us against the world. That was the Devil’s Spawn motto, and I’d lived it my whole life. But today, I truly felt those words down deep in my soul. I needed my family. I needed their advice, and I needed their input. Growing up, I’d always thought it was hard to know who you were on this compound constantly surrounded by other people and personalities. But I’d had it wrong because in the end I needed them to hold a mirror in front of my face to help me see exactly who I was.
I was Avory Connor. I’d fallen in love with a boy when I was fifteen years old. We made mistakes, we hurt each other, and we hurt the people close to us. But then we grew up.
I looked up and stopped my pacing at the sound of gravel under feet. I swallowed thickly, knowing Crue was close. I could almost feel him, his presence wrapping around me like a warm blanket. I waited, my heart racing.
And then he was there.
His hair was a mess, and his jeans were ripped. His boots untied and his shirt untucked. He didn’t look quite like the boy I’d fallen for. Instead, he’d become the man I was still in love with.
“Hey.” I waited as he came closer and closer, not stopping until he was close enough for me to smell his cologne. I breathed deep, letting it fill my lungs and give me strength.
His smile was tentative, like he was as nervous as I was. “Hey.”