Firsts: Book One’s

by Moore, Portia

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell her, turning on my stomach and stuffing my face in my pillow.

  “Your phone is off, and it’s been off since you’ve been home.”

  On the way home from the airport Jackson kept calling and sending me text messages. I didn’t want to deal with them. I still don’t.

  “I just need time,” I whisper.

  “Time for what? What happened!” she asks, her voice only slightly raised. I don’t say anything. I hear her walk beside me and she sits on the bed, pushing me off my stomach. She ushers the coffee towards me and I take a small sip to appease her. I see there’s a muffin on the nightstand next to the bed.

  “You look like hell. This room is a mess and you stink.” Her face is scrunched up and she moves a few inches away from me. I open my mouth and try to expel a lie but my brain is foggy, having only been nourished by junk food, and I can’t even think of a plausible one to tell her.

  “I found out that Jackson is married,” I say, avoiding her gaze.

  “What?” she says, her voice soft and more sympathetic than I expected.

  “And you ended it,” she says after a few moments.

  “Would I look like this if I didn’t?” I ask, annoyed. I set the coffee down. She turns fully towards me and takes my hand in hers.

  “You did the right thing. I’m proud of you,” she says and gives me a warm hug, despite my odor. I didn’t expect this. I expected her to scold me for being an idiot and not finding out sooner, for her to tell me that I deserved this after what I did to Ryan. Her tenderness brings tears to my eyes.

  “I thought you would tell me how stupid I was to think a guy like that would be into me and how right you were,” I tell her, a sob escaping my throat. Her eyebrows crash together.

  “Maddy I didn’t want you to end what I thought was a fling at the time because you weren’t good enough. I just thought that a man his age with the kind of wealth and connections I imagined he has, I just thought it was unrealistic for him to be at a place that you are, or will be, and that it wouldn’t be fair for him to keep you from that.

  “I know I’m hard on you but its only out of love and it may not come out as warm and cozy as it should, but I’d kill for you Sis, and if I have to do it I just want it to be for a good reason.” She says the last part jokingly and I smile at her and give her a tight hug.

  “I love you too Mel.”

  “But please get up and take a shower. I’ll change the sheets and turn your phone back on. Parker sent me three Facebook messages asking about you and I’m afraid she’s going to show up here thinking I killed you if you don’t respond.”

  I do as she asks by pushing myself out of bed. After brushing my teeth, I jump in the shower and stay there for what feels like hours letting the water massage my body. I think of the first time Jackson and I took a shower together, and the dull ache in my chest comes back. Tears I thought I ran out of return, but I know I did the right thing.

  It’s all I can do to stop myself from calling him, and when I turn my phone back on and see that I have over a dozen voicemails from him, it’s even harder. I head back to my room and it’s been cleaned from top to bottom. The sheets changed, the bed is all made up, the empty snack bags and balls of Kleenex are gone. My clothing and suitcase neatly put away. It’s no longer my little cocoon of pain but bright and impeccably clean. A vanilla candle is lit and replaces the smell of stale breath and junk food. I suck in a deep breath. I can do this. I can get past this. Jackson didn’t break me. I didn’t love him…I was close but thank God I found out before I crossed that line.

  It’s more so the pain of what could have been, what I imagined I might be able to have with him. I’m still me. My head was in the clouds more than it normally is but it’s over. I know it’s ridiculous to feel like my life is over, because it’s not, but it hurts and tears come to my eyes yet again. It’s better I figured out that I’m breakable now, that I have to guard my heart more than I did, keep men at an even further distance. It’s a blessing, really, to realize that I’m not immune to the curse. Because that’s all love is—a curse. I head into the kitchen and Melissa is making a salad. She gives me a warm smile as I sit at the island. I pull out my phone, scroll to Jackson’s name, and block his number. I’ve had it on for about two hours. I haven’t gotten a call or message from him but I want to be safe. The doorbell rings and I get up to answer but Melissa almost breaks her ankle running to the door.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s just packages,” she almost stutters. She cracks the door open just enough so she can slip out and closes it behind her. My sister is great at so many things but lying and hiding are not her forte. I head to the window and peep out and see a delivery man holding at least four dozen roses. Melissa signs for them but is waving her hands and pointing towards the alley. When she comes back up without them she gives me a tight smile.

  “Did you call Parker back yet?” she asks, her voice too light.

  “Where are your flowers?” I ask her.

  “Oh, those…wrong person,” she says quickly. I narrow my eyes at her and she turns, busying herself in the refrigerator.

  “They're from Jackson aren’t they?” I ask, my eyes glued to the island. She lets out a light sigh.

  “Yes.”

  I bite my lip.

  “They’ve been coming every day. They’re so beautiful. I’ve been taking them with me for jobs or giving them away but I didn’t want you to see them today with you just getting up.”

  “I get it,” I tell her.

  “I’m sorry for lying about it. I just…” She trails off and I nod.

  “Don’t do it again without telling me, Mel. If they’ve been coming for days, it was before you knew he was married,” I tell her pointedly.

  She looks down guiltily.

  “I know. I didn’t know he was married but I knew that he’d upset you. But you’re right, I apologize,” she says again. I nod and stand up to head back to my room.

  “Will you have some salad?” she asks pleadingly.

  “Later,” I reply. The only thing I want to do now is sleep.

  Eight

  Melissa has been referring to me as a zombie girl, and Parker too, though we’ve only spoken twice—once since I was in Boston. They can say what they want but I think I’m doing phenomenally well.

  I shower and brush my teeth every day now.

  I eat and have even accepted a few jobs. And the cycle repeats. But according to Mel and Parker, I’m depressed. A shadow of myself. It is beyond irritating that the people who don’t agree on anything else in my life decide to join forces on this. I think they’ve even been talking on the phone.

  Yay for that.

  Melissa has stormed into my room, her hands on her hips, looking more than exceptionally determined. She does this at least twice a week but her face says that she’s not taking any shit today. I sure as hell don’t want any.

  “We’re going to dinner,” she says.

  “I don’t feel like it,” I say, my eyes glued to one of my favorite YouTube videos about a kid that pranks her mom.

  “I didn’t ask how you feel. I’ve been trying to be patient with you, waiting for you to get back to yourself. But now you have to leave the house. It’s been over a month and you really need to rejoin society.” I roll my eyes and don’t say anything; a second later she closes my laptop. I scowl at her. I try to determine if she’s right. Have I not left the house in a month? I don’t really have a reason to now. Mel buys the food and does the cooking and everything I could ever need, including work and food, is at my fingertips. Maybe she’s right. But it shouldn’t matter because I’m happy. Well, not happy…but not sad anymore. I’m gettingbyish, which is better than sulking in a deep pit of despair like I was when I first got back home.

  “I have reservations for 7:30 so be dressed and ready otherwise I’m going to sit in here and tell you how you’re wasting your life for the rest of the night,” she thr
eatens. I throw my head back.

  “Fine,” I say sounding like an angry thirteen-year-old, even to myself.

  When Melissa sees me walk into the room she frowns and sighs. It’s probably because I’m wearing a grey sweat suit and sneakers, but they’re black and at least my hair is sort of styled. She’s wearing a cream sweater and pressed slacks, her hair actually curled.

  “You didn’t say we were going anywhere fancy!” I say dryly in defense of myself.

  “Greg’s downstairs already so let’s just go and hope they’re a little lax on their dress code tonight.”

  “You didn’t say Greg was coming!”

  I fold my arms, my face hard. She rolls her eyes at me.

  “You weren’t supposed to be coming but I can’t stand to think of you sitting in the house another night watching those stupid prank videos. I’m hoping the night air and being in an environment with other actual adults will knock you out of whatever it is you’re in.”

  “Greg hates me!” I screech. She gives me a dismissive wave.

  “He does not hate you.” I glare at her.

  “Fine, maybe a little, but you guys are going to have to get past this. He’s my boyfriend and you’re my sister. Even if you haven’t been acting like one lately.”

  I groan and storm past her, ready to get this over with. When I get in the car he mutters a greeting and Mel looks appeased at this. The ride to the restaurant is as awkward as expected but I keep my attention on my cell phone despite Mel’s attempts at pulling us both into conversation with one another. I feel even more crappy when I realize we’re heading into Three Forks, a place that might not even let me in with what I’m wearing, but hey that’d be an easy way out.

  Unfortunately, the restaurant isn’t packed, and the hostess quickly leads us over to be seated. Greg pulls out our seats for us.

  “I’m starving,” Mel says lightly while already looking over her menu. I grab a piece of bread and tear a piece off in my mouth. Greg looks at me partially disgusted.

  “What!” I ask him irritated. He smiles tightly.

  “You’re eating like a cow Maddy,” Mel interjects, also looking disgusted. I drop the piece of bread on my plate and pull out my phone.

  “Are you going to stay on your phone all night” she asks and I sigh.

  “What the hell do you want me to do Mel? I didn’t even want to come; I’m here so please just stop!” I tell her, rubbing my face in frustration.

  “Don’t talk to her like that!” Greg intrudes, his face hard.

  “Don’t talk to me Greg!” I bark, shifting my body away from him.

  “Maddy,” Melissa growls.

  “What? He doesn’t even like me anyway.”

  “You’re right I don’t like you. You’re a spoiled selfish little brat, you act like you’re sixteen instead of an adult, and you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

  “There it is! See, Mel?” I say triumphantly.

  “You both stop. If you can’t talk to each other civilly you both just shut up.”

  “Did you just hear what he said about me?!”

  “Greg, I told you she’s dealing with some things,” Mel says to him firmly. He laughs.

  “You told him!” I ask her appalled.

  “So what, she got shitted on, it’s what she gets after what she did to Ryan.” His laughter is vicious and his gleeful smile a slap in the face. I open my mouth to cut him up verbally about how he’s a prick and doesn’t deserve my sister and he’s probably about to be bald soon but…I realize he’s right. My anger falters and I look down at the table, guilt starting to consume me. Did I make Ryan feel like this?

  Did I do this to someone else?

  I caused a decent guy the type of pain I’ve been feeling?

  “Madison,” Melissa says quietly, her voice softer, but I can’t see her well because my vision is blurred with tears.

  I don’t even realize Melissa has been following me until we’re all the way out of the restaurant. “Madison, I’m sorry he said that. I’m sorry I made you come.”

  “I deserved it! He’s right, I broke Ryan’s heart and while he was hurting I was flying around the country fucking another guy. It is karma, I do deserve this.” I cry. She approaches me and I step back from her.

  “I still miss him! I miss him Mel. I miss him so much and I hate myself for it!”

  She rushes to me and pulls me into a long hug; I fall into her arms. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

  But it’s not. I don’t see how.

  Melissa tries to take me home but I refuse. I know when I get home I’d just want to sleep and even though Greg is a jerk, he’s her jerk. I do know he loves my sister and she deserves a night out. After promising and convincing her that I’ll be fine and will text her as soon as I’m home, she lets me leave. But I don’t go home. I update the address and wipe my tears away.

  I don’t know if he’s home. I only hope so. It’s Thursday and he usually doesn’t have anything on his calendar but maybe things have changed. I push out a deep breath before I knock on the door. And a few moments later he’s standing in front of me. My heart clinches. I expected his face to hold anger, for him to still be furious with me, but he looks more curious than anything, his warm green eyes surveying me, asking why I’m here before his lips do.

  “I don’t want much of your time. I know I don’t deserve any.” I look down at my feet. At least he hasn’t shut the door in my face. He leans in the doorway, letting me know he didn’t plan on asking me in anyway.

  “I came to tell you how sorry I am.” I meet his eyes and they squint just a bit. Eyes that used to be full of joy and lust when they looked at me look only mildly surprised now.

  “I know I’ve told you over the phone but I wanted to do it in person. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. How I left, how I handled everything. You’ve only ever been good to me, and I didn’t realize…I didn’t think how badly my actions would affect you.” I push some hair behind my ear. His arms are folded now as he waits for me to continue. I fight tears from falling, but one escapes.

  “I was so afraid of feeling, so afraid of being hurt, deceived, that I didn’t think I was doing that to you.” His expression has softened, his hands in the pockets of his cargo pants instead of his arms across his chest.

  “I am sorry for leaving how I did. I am sorry for being so coldhearted about it. I am sorry that I wasn’t the woman you deserved. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, so I won’t ask you for it. I just…I wanted you know that I really cared about you, I just, I’m messed up honestly,” I confess and press my lips together.

  “I hope you find someone who gives you the love you deserve and I am so sorry I wasted your time…and if you ever need me for anything, no matter how small, I promise I’ll be there.”

  He doesn’t say anything; I don’t need him to. I just wanted him to know. I go to leave and as I start walking away he calls me. I turn around.

  “Take care, okay?” he says quietly. I smile and give him a nod before he closes the door.

  * * *

  “Hey, girlie.” I force my eyes open thinking I’m dreaming when I see Parker standing over me. What the hell is she doing here? Beside her is Melissa, her hands in her back pockets and a small smile on her face.

  “She’s been hassling me the past few weeks about whether or not she should come, and last night I texted her. I think you need a friend and this morning she was at my doorstep,” Melissa explains with a smile. I sit up and Parker gives me a warm hug.

  “I missed you so much! You’ve certainly been a selfish cow.” She knows I love when she talks like a Brit and I snicker.

  “I want you to come to New York,” she says apprehensively.

  “I’m not going anywhere; I don’t want to. I just want to get over this.”

  “Sorry but we’ve already bought your ticket. You need a change of scenery and some fun,” Parker whines.

  “You bought my ticket?” I ask, surprised and a little of
fended.

  “The fun is optional but the change of scenery mandatory,” Melissa adds coming back into the room with two steaming hot cups of coffee. I thought I was hallucinating, seeing the two of them together. It was a day I never thought would come.

  “You’re kicking me out?” I pout.

  “Only temporarily. It’ll be good for you,” she promises, pushing a cup in my hand.

  “Trust me it will and if you don’t want to have fun I have enough in me for the both of us,” Parker adds playfully.

  “Come on, Maddie,” Melissa says again.

  “Is this an intervention or something?” I ask, and Melissa grinned.

  “Kind of,” she says. “So?”

  “Fine,” I answer. “Fine, I’ll go.”

  “YAY!” Parker cries and throws her hands around me.

  “Okay, okay,” I laugh, shaking my head. “It’s not that exciting.”

  “Oh but it’s going to be. You’ll see! You’re going to have so much fun in New York that you’ll come back and be like, Jackson who?” Parkers says dramatically. I doubt it but seeing how excited she is and how hopeful Melissa looks, I keep that thought to myself and plaster on a fake smile.

  Sometimes I forget that Park’s parents are rich as fuck, but from the first-class seats on our flight, the new Audi we’ve cruised in, and the large brownstone we’ve just waltzed into, I’m immediately reminded.

  “Coco, I missed you baby,” she squeals as the adorable little Morkie greets us excitedly, her tail wagging. The apartment is beautiful. Large open space walls painted in white with light grey and pink accents—beautifully girly with a hint of sophistication, just how Parker is.

  “Say hi to your goddaughter,” she says in an annoying baby crooning voice. I roll my eyes and she pouts.

  “Hi Coco, you’re still as beautiful as ever,” I say dramatically, pulling my black suitcase and parking it next to the Louis Vuitton one Parker brought. I let go of them both when I see the bar and head straight to it.