Firsts: Book One’s

by Moore, Portia

  “Cocktails. You read my mind!” I was thinking more straight vodka and maybe some water later, not a cute Cosmo or the pink panty drink I know Parker’s going to make. I’m pretending to be happy so I can stay a few days and then get back home where I can mope again uninterrupted.

  My stomach flips when I realize I don’t have a home to go to. I’ve wasted so much time living in a fairytale with Jackson when I should have been getting my life in order.

  “Whatever you make add a double shot to mine,” I mutter while flopping onto one of the bar-height chairs. She disappears behind the bar and pulls out a flurry of bottles and two tall glasses. She slides one over to me when she’s done. I take a big gulp and smile approvingly at her. It’s a Long Island, and a stiff one. This visit might not be so bad after all.

  “So, I’m thinking that we stay in tonight for takeout and B-style horror movies…”

  That I can do. I thought she’d suggest something ridiculous that I’d have to make excuses to get out of, like a club or mixer or something.

  “Tomorrow though, we’re off to the Hamptons.”

  I immediately scowl at her.

  “I’m not up for the Hamptons, Parks.” I’m already exhausted by the idea of it. The Hamptons is all-day parties and clubs and BBQs, where you have to actually shower and do your hair and put on makeup…none of which I’m up for.

  “Oh you are not coming to New York in the summertime and not doing the Hamptons with me. That is out of the question. I don’t care if you were dumped by Prince Henry.”

  I throw my head back in exasperation.

  “For the last time, Jackson didn’t dump me—I dumped him because he was fucking married!” Parker doesn’t bat an eye at my outburst and only looks at me with mild annoyance, like a fly that landed in her drink. For a second it feels like I’m back in Chicago with Melissa instead of with my always supportive and takes-my-side best friend.

  “Maddy, I love you but Melissa has told me not to baby you, that you being here is to get you mentally freed up to create and get back to Chicago with a running start. Oh, and Melissa thinks Greg might propose.”

  My eyes go wide. Shit. Shit shit shit! If Greg proposes that means they’re probably going to move in together, and due to the fact that Greg hates me, it’s going to be a terribly awkward living situation.

  “Wait, why the hell wouldn’t she tell me? Why would she tell you? She hates you.”

  Ugh I probably shouldn’t have said that last part. Parker ignores it because it’s not like she doesn’t know. They’ve never really cared for each other, usually being on the opposite end of the spectrum with just about everything. If they were parents Melissa would be the no-nonsense dad and Parker would be the mom who’d sneak you candy after a scolding.

  “She hasn’t told you because you haven’t exactly been yourself lately. She hates walking on eggshells.”

  “She doesn’t know how to walk on eggshells,” I chuckle.

  “Yeah, there’s that. Regardless of her being a hard ass, she doesn’t want to intentionally pour salt in your wounds. She didn’t know how you’d react with this new head space you’ve been in. We’re not really used to you feeling hurt over men, so this is new territory for us both.”

  “I’m sorry to be such a burden to you guys.” I pout.

  “You’re not a burden Maddy but if you sit here pouting and ruin a perfectly good New York summer I swear to God this time will be hell for the both of us,” she promises me. Hell from Parker? I’d hate to see what that looks like.

  “Fine. I’ll go to whatever party you have but I’ll be wearing a scowl and a don’t-fuck-with-me pout,” I warn her. She smiles widely at me and squeals.

  “I’m going to show you why Chicago is New York’s ugly little sister, you just wait!”

  My guest bedroom at Parker’s is big, nothing like how I’ve heard people describe New York apartments being, but I guess Parker’s apartment isn’t typical. I only have my one suitcase, filled with the things I took from my apartment with Ryan, and one black dress I couldn’t leave behind that Jackson bought me. Just like in real life I left a whole lot of him behind but the small piece I can’t get rid of takes up a lot more space than I thought it would.

  I let myself fall into the queen-size bed. Like Melissa’s it feels like heaven. Covered with a thick grey duvet and a million frilly pillows that look too expensive to throw on the floor even though the place is impeccably clean. I grab my laptop. My inbox is dry of any commissions or offers which it should be since I haven’t put in any face time to cultivate leads, or made much of an effort this past month. I pull up my bank account and look at my savings of a little under $3,000. I’ve got to get back to work. I head to a freelance website and post my availability. Most of the clients pay shit but shit pay is better than no pay. I’ll throw myself into work and that will be an excuse not to socialize it up with Parker. Plus I need all the money I can get right now. I’m kicking myself for leaving all of those expensive clothes behind Jackson bought me, when I could have sold them for a security deposit.

  “Time for Scream and Sushi!” I turn towards Parker who’s wearing an excited grin. Not surprisingly, she’s changed into a designer sweat suit and her hair is in a messy bun. I can’t help but grin at her. It turns out horror movies, wine (or let’s be honest—the Vodka I snuck) was what I needed. I only think about Jackson once every ten minutes instead of him being behind my thoughts every single minute. I focus on the girls with huge tits running from the murderers, and can’t help but giggle as I think of the scene from Scary Movie where a silicone is attached to the killer’s knife. I always wanted bigger tits; if I didn’t hate pain so much I would have put some on a credit card by now, maybe. Parks is asleep halfway through the third movie, Freddy vs. Jason, which is more laughable than terrifying. I grab one of her throws and cover her, telling Coco goodnight before turning off the TV.

  I head to my room and feel restless. I pull out my phone and scroll through Facebook, peeking at my friends from high school and college, noticing how many have gotten married, are recently engaged, or expecting their first child—if not on their second. For the first time I don’t pity them, or wonder what the hell they’re thinking. I feel something else…envy? But I’ve never felt that way before. I close my laptop. I’m being ridiculous. It has to be the tequila. Jealous? Never! Envious of people being stifled, committing themselves to eventual hurt and pain? Nope! If anything, this thing with Jackson hasn’t made me long for more commitment. Maybe before, but now it’s just further evidence that people—men especially—can’t be trusted. People are unreliable and selfish. My phone vibrates and I’m surprised when I see it’s my mom’s number. Fucking Melissa. My heart speeds up since my mom is always guaranteed to induce anxiety.

  What does she know? Did Mel tell her about Jackson? Is she calling to lecture me, to cry, to scream? I never know with her and I can’t deal with it right now. I watch until my phone screen shows a missed call. I immediately go to Melissa’s name and text her.

  DID YOU SNITCH?!!

  I wait as bubbles appear in my messages.

  Keeping your mother up to date on your life isn’t snitching it’s a normal and healthy behavior, you should try it sometimes.

  “Ugh!”

  I toss my phone across the room and cover my head with one of the dozens of Parker’s frilly pillows. Oh shit I can’t afford a new phone! I jump out of bed to make sure it’s okay and kick myself for being such an idiot. She’s calling again! I let out a deep breath and bite the bullet.

  “Hi Mom,” I say tightly while trying to force a smile in my tone.

  “I’m surprised you answered, thank you for that,” she says in a way that makes me feel guiltier than I have all day.

  “I know Mom, I’ve been…I’ve had a lot going on.”

  “Melissa told me about you and Ryan.”

  My spirit perks up. Maybe that’s all Mel told her about! That I can deal with versus getting a scolding about sleeping with
a married man. Even though technically I didn’t sleep with him after I found out. Making me only one-fourth of a home wrecker.

  “Yeah, it just wasn’t working out. I didn’t want to bother you about it because I know you have so much going on,” I reply, my anxiety easing a bit.

  “And yes, she told me about the other thing too,” she adds casually but it jolts me. I sit down on the bed preparing myself for a civil lambasting. My mom’s different from me, more like Melissa but a passive version which makes her disappointment almost worse. I can handle shouting, yelling, name-calling, but my mom’s words have a way of softly slicing through you.

  “I didn’t know Mom. I ended it as soon as I found out,” I tell her quietly. There’s a stretch of silence so long I have to check that she’s still on the phone.

  “I’m worried about you Maddy,” she says, her tone calm as it always is, unwavering but tough like steel.

  “You don’t have to be worried about me Mom, I’m fine,” I say truthfully. I hate to be another thing she worries about. I hate the fact that I’m associated with what destroyed our family and almost ruined her. Infidelity, a reminder of how everything went so wrong. I hate Jackson for this.

  “I want you to be happy Madison, I always worry that you won’t allow yourself to be happy because you’re afraid of it, and if you go without it that will make me a failure as a mother.” She says this evenly, her soft tone hurting worse than a kick in the gut. My eyes water but I force a smile on my face as if she can see it.

  “Mom, I promise you I’m happy,” I lie. I’m not as sad as I could be so it’s almost the same thing.

  “Since things didn’t work with Ryan you know that you’re more than welcome to stay with me while you figure things out. I know things are getting pretty serious with Melissa and Greg and if you feel uncomfortable at all, know that you’re always welcome here.”

  “I know Mom, but I’m fine. I’m staying with Parker and I’m getting focused on work again, and when I come back I’ll be able to get my own place, really figure things out, okay?” I tell her softly. My mom has been through so much through the years. My dad broke her heart. Her working two jobs took her energy, and the things she saw working in the public county hospital almost killed her spirit. Melissa doesn’t see it but I do. My mom wasn’t the mom she should have been, or could have been.

  “She also mentioned your other breakup.” My stomach drops. Melissa can’t keep her fucking mouth shut.

  “I’m glad you did the right thing. I don’t know what your feelings were for this man but I’m proud of you for putting an end to it.”

  I wipe the single tear away that’s slipped from my eye.

  “Just keep your resolve, remember nothing good can ever come from breaking up anyone’s home,” she continues and I fight the breath I want to let out.

  “If anyone knows that, it’s me Mom,” I say tightly.

  “Good.” The normal awkward tension between us is back. “Well I hope you make time to enjoy New York, it’s a beautiful city.” She sounds genuine and it causes me to smile.

  “I will,” I promise her.

  “And when you make it back I want to see you. It’s been too long.”

  “You’ll be my first stop, I promise.”

  “Good. I love you my special girl,” she says and I can hear the smile in her voice; it makes me smile too.

  “I love you too Mom.” When I hang up the phone, I don’t have the anxiety I expected to make its way through my chest. I feel a sort of calm, a resolve. I try not to lie to my mom. When I was younger, even though I definitely caused enough trouble for me and Melissa, I never lied about it. I respected her too much to lie to her. I hid things and covered my tracks pretty good for a hormonal teenager but when she sat me down and looked me in the eyes I always told her the truth and never bullshited her. I’m going to make use of my time here. The pay is three times what I’d make in Chicago and when I go back home I’ll have my shit together. If my mom could do it with a broken heart and two girls to raise, I can do it with a fractured one.

  Nine

  I wake up to the sound of an upbeat pop tune pouring through my door from the living room. I push myself out of bed and head to Parker’s room where she has clothes strewn all over her bed and is dancing to the music as she holds two dresses to her chest.

  “You have way too much energy for 8 am,” I tell her groggily. She shoots me a wide smile before prancing over to me with one of the white dresses she’s holding and forces it into my hand.

  “There’s expresso and muffins on the counter,” she sings, bopping her body to the music. I yawn and frown at the dress.

  “What’s this for?” I ask dryly.

  “For the white party we’re going to this afternoon.” I let out a groan and plop on her bed.

  “Oooh, you give guests the shitty bed huh?” I tease, because her bed is heaven.

  “I’d hardly call a four thousand dollar mattress shitty, Mads.” She pulls me by the arm and into the kitchen where she forces an expresso in my hand.

  “Drink up, I need you to showcase that brilliant personality I know is hiding in there somewhere,” she sings. I roll my eyes and drink down the expresso.

  “Oh my God, this is good,” I say impressed.

  “I want you to meet Bradley today. They’re picking us up and I’d like him to not think my best friend in the whole world isn’t a huge bitch,” she jokes.

  “Oh but I am,” I tell her with a wide smile.

  “Come on Maddy, I actually kind of like him.” She gives me a wink and that gets a half a smirk from me.

  “Fine, I’ll be charmingly polite, a complete false advertisement of everything you love about me,” I reply taking a huge bite of one of the chocolate muffins she bought.

  “Fantastic!” She gives me a grateful pat and I roll my eyes.

  “His friend Nathan is coming with us too,” she mutters before heading back to her room.

  “This isn’t a setup or anything, right Parks?” I ask following her.

  “Setup? We’re not in high school,” she says with a laugh but I stare her down as she pulls a pair of red strappy pumps from her closet and hands them to me. I’m almost distracted by how gorgeous they are.

  “I might have told him you’re beautiful and single,” she rambles quickly.

  “Parker!” I scold her.

  “Hey, I didn’t say you’ll marry him or anything but he’s single, cute, he’s in advertising, and not married!”

  “I am off of men. Done with them, okay? I can pull it together to not be but I don’t have it in me to babysit his friend.”

  “Oh come on, this is a party where there’ll be hundreds of people. I’m just asking you to be nice to him, smile, laugh at his jokes, have a good time.”

  “Parks, I really shouldn’t even be going to this thing. I have to find a job, my bank account is dangerously close to being on E. I think I should stay in and job-hunt.”

  Her face twists into the most confused expression I’ve ever seen her wear.

  “You will not. This party is going to amazing. It’s an invite-only open bar and as far as your bank account goes I’ll loan you what you need until you get back on your feet. “

  “I’m not borrowing money from you Parks, I’m not that desperate…yet,” I tell her defiantly.

  “Well then your circumstances aren’t so dire that you have to sit home on Monster all day.”

  I don’t correct her that Monster isn’t the career hub for freelancers because it’s pointless. She’s made up her mind and it’d be a waste of time to fight with her.

  “Fine just tell me whatever his name is. I’ve switched teams. I like women now,” I grunt before leaving her room.

  “I think that’d have the opposite effect that you’d want,” she calls out with a laugh.

  Brad and Nathan arrive to pick us up on Parker’s doorstep in a brand new black Range Rover.

  “That’s them!” Parker squeals as she heads down the stairs
in her knee-length flowy white gown, her hair in perfect curls that took her two hours to do. Before she hits the bottom steps she mouths “be nice” to me and gestures for me to follow her. I let out a hopeful breath and plaster on a friendly smile, heading down the stairs to join her. I opted to wear my hair in natural waves with the simplest white halter-style dress Parker owns, and red shoes like Dorothy’s from The Wizard of Oz. Both Bradley and Nathan get out of the truck to greet us. I recognize Bradley from the picture Parker gushed over. He’s handsome and exactly Parker’s type: blond, tall, broad shoulders, wearing an expensive watch and shoes to match. His friend Nathan could go for his brother—handsome, his hair slightly darker, and a few inches shorter. He reminds me an awful lot of Ryan.

  “Ladies, you look amazing,” Brad says, his eyes full of excitement. Nathan’s eyes land on me and he smiles approvingly.

  “Babe, this is my best friend Madison I’ve told you about. Madison, this is Bradley and his bestie Nathan,” she introduces us in a flurry.

  “Very nice to meet you Madison,” Nathan says with a megawatt smile. He’s handsome and totally perfect for someone not fucked up.

  “Same,” I say wearing my fake smile.

  I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to go to this party. I want to crawl in bed, eat a bag of Snickers, and drink wine. I’m only comforted by the fact that once we get to this party there will be tons of girls that Nathan will be just fine for and who’ll snatch him up in a heartbeat. Then he won’t give me a second thought..

  We all pile in the truck and of course Nathan gets in the back with me while Parker joins Brad in the front.

  I try to perk up; this is Parker’s day and it isn’t about me. I can pretend to be normal for a couple of hours. Classic rock reverberates through the car, which isn’t a bad choice. According to Parker, the party is only fifteen minutes away…what that equates to in New York traffic, I’m not sure.

  “So Madison, Parks says you’re from Chicago. What do you think of our big city?” Nathan asks with a warm smile. I return his smile and as politely as I can, I say, “I think it’s a little overrated and sort of stinks. But my best friend loves it so I’ll call it a second home.”