Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  “I thought you were going to come up with something,” Veronica said. “Look, if you’re going to have this kind of trouble defeating them then maybe I should just go down there and have them turn me into a vampire again, because I’m not going to be turned into a snack thank you very much.”

  “You really think they’re going to take you back when you’ve been turned?” Jimmy asked.

  I looked between the two of them. Jimmy was clearly still thinking in terms of whether or not he was going to be able to get his dick wet at some point. He had the sort of look that said he wasn’t interested in her becoming a bloodsucking monstrosity again, and I’m sure he had his own reasons for thinking that way.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I’ll figure out a way to take care of this.”

  “Y’know if you were really interested in being a vampire again then I could sire you,” Jimmy said, his voice taking on a speculative quality that I didn’t care for. “That way you wouldn’t have to worry about getting in the middle of a feeding frenzy with all the vampires down there or anything.”

  “You could do that,” she said, then she pressed up against him and hit him with a light peck on the cheek. “Though of course if you were my sire that’d mean you’d have certain duties to fulfill.”

  “As would you,” Jimmy said.

  I turned away. They could have their weird little flirtation if that’s what they wanted, but that didn’t mean I had to watch it.

  “Come on Gwen,” I muttered. “You took out a fucking necromancer, so you can take out some bloodsuckers. It’s just a matter of figuring out how the heck to do it.”

  “Wait a second,” Veronica said. “What was that you just said?”

  “That I need to figure out a way to do this?” I said.

  “No, before that,” she said.

  “That I took out a necromancer?” I said.

  “You took out a necromancer?” she said.

  “Did I stutter?” I asked, letting all the irritation I was feeling at our current predicament flow through me. “Yes I took out a necromancer. What’s the big deal?”

  Veronica glanced to Jimmy, and then back to me. Then she took a step towards me. It was a small thing, but it was still something.

  “Sorry Jimmy,” she said. “But my money’s on her.”

  “Seriously?” I said.

  “Necromancers are bad news,” she said. “If you took one out then I’m following you wherever you go.”

  I thought about make a reference to having her axe, but decided she probably wasn’t the type to read Lord of the Rings when she was a teenager the first time around, let alone actually watch the movies during her eternal teenage years in between.

  So I focused on the job ahead of us instead.

  “Okay, so there are way more people out there than can be accounted for by a bunch of horny people at the lovers’ lane getting attacked by vampires,” I said. “How long have you been pulling that move, anyway?”

  “Actually tonight was the first time I’ve run that play since we came back,” Veronica said. “It’s a good one and it usually works, but this time around I only did it because we had an influx of pretty girls who’d be able to distract people long enough to pull it off.”

  “Right,” I said. I glanced around the corner again.

  The vamps were in the middle of some inane cheer. The kind of thing that wouldn’t have been out of place in any pep rally ever. I sighed. If anything it was even more annoying when it was coming from a bunch of bloodsucking sons of bitches.

  Most of the students out there looked like they were between the ages of fourteen and eighteen, which made sense if they’d all been turned while they were in high school. The poor bastards. I imagined there were a hell of a lot of unfortunate stories behind each and every vampire out there.

  Sure some of them looked a little older than others, but mostly that was because every vampire out there was dressed in the attire of whatever decade they’d come from. I guess Veronica wasn’t the only bloodsucker out there who didn’t keep up with the times.

  There was one other thing that was creepy. They were all beautiful. Like it was clear whatever vampire was turning these students was going for the local small town hotties, the best of the best, and would accept no less.

  And down at the bottom was the asshole himself, Assistant Principal Lee doing his thing. Leading all the students in that inane cheer about how they were going to take care of all the humans in this town, and then the world.

  Not if I had anything to do with it, damn it.

  “Okay, so here’s the plan. I’m going to fly down there and take out Assistant Principal Lee, and we’re going to hope that’ll be enough to take care of all the vampires in here. He’s the one who’s done most of the turning over the years, right?” I asked.

  “I mean he’s the one who got me,” Veronica said. “Stacy too, but I can’t guarantee he’s the one who got everyone out there. Though it mostly flows down, so if you take him out then that’ll take out all the vampires he’s turned over the years, and all the vampires they’ve turned over the years. I think.”

  “So basically taking him out should be good enough to take out all the vampires in that gym,” I said.

  “I guess?” Veronica said. “I honestly never paid much attention to how those rules worked. We’ve never had someone come along hunting or killing anyone to the point I had to worry.”

  “Right,” I said, death magic gathering around me as I looked down at the scene in the gym.

  It wasn’t a pleasant scene. It was the kind of scene that would’ve terrified any mortal unfortunate enough to look down on it. Luckily for me, and unluckily for any of the bloodsuckers down there doing the whole ra ra sis boom bah thing talking about how they were going to take over the fucking world, I was here and I was far from mortal.

  It was probably a good thing I was trying to take care of them. If they got too big for their britches they’d attract all the wrong kind of attention, and my understanding of how Night Terror worked would involve a bunch of vampires getting vaporized instead of being transformed into their old human selves.

  “What are you going to do?” Veronica asked.

  “I figured I’d do a straight shot at the asshole,” I said. “I mean it’s not like there’s anything he can do to stop me when I get down there.”

  “There might not be anything he can do about it,” a familiar voice said from behind us. A voice that had me squeezing my eyes shut and wondering what the hell I’d done to deserve this. “But you bet your cute ass I’m going to do something about it. The Master gets so annoyed when people interrupt his speeches.”

  I wheeled around and found myself facing none other than the jock who’d been at Veronica’s beck and call. Though from the group of vampires gathered around him it looked like he was the one calling the shots now.

  “What the hell are you doing here Corey?” Veronica asked. “You know you’re not supposed to be pulling shit like this. I give the orders around here.”

  I turned to eye her. I had to give her props for her confidence. If I found myself confronted by a vampire and I’d been turned into a mortal then I probably would’ve been terrified that said vampire was about to send me to a one way visit to one of the local reapers, but she held herself like she was still in charge of things.

  I got the feeling she must’ve been a real bitch back when she was still among the living the first time around, but I’d take it if it meant getting these vampires off our backs long enough for me to do what needed to be done down there.

  Corey sniffed the air a couple of times and then smiled. It was a smile that showed off his fangs, and it was also the kind of smile that said things weren’t going to go well for Veronica and her bluff. Though to her credit she didn’t so much as take a step back under that fanged gaze.

  “You’re trying to talk a big game Veronica,” Corey said. “But I can smell you. I know what’s happened, and that means you’re not
in charge anymore. You’re not pushing me around ever again!”

  His voice got louder and louder. Loud enough that some of the vampires in the gym proper were turning to look at us. The most annoying thing about those looks was none of them seemed worried about what was going on in here. No, they saw our merry band of vampire hunters and it was clear they didn’t consider us a threat.

  “Fuck this,” I said.

  I lashed out with tendrils of magic that swept under the vampire assholes. Their eyes went wide with surprise as they were knocked on their asses. Maybe they thought they’d have an advantage since there were a bunch of them and there was only one of me, but they had another think coming.

  The only problem being the moment I swept the feet was also the moment all those vampires who could see us from the gym started looking pissed off. Their fangs came out and suddenly an entire corner of the gym was pouring in to give us some trouble.

  Damn it. All I wanted was to take out their head vampire so everyone in here was turned back into humans. Why did they have to keep fighting me on this? It was like they wanted to stay vampires or something!

  Then again if they all had vampire demons latching onto their eternal souls then it was entirely possible they did think they wanted to stay vampires forever. Which was just fucking great.

  Before I knew it I was surrounded by a sea of hissing vampires. They all stared at me like they were ready to do some damage, but then someone was moving through the crowd pushing them aside. Finally Corey appeared, and he had Veronica in front of him with one clawed finger against her neck.

  Oops. I guess I sort of lost track of her in the melee.

  “Make a single move and I kill her,” he said.

  “You son of a bitch Corey!” Veronica growled. “How the fuck can you do this to me after all we’ve been through?”

  “I can do this to you because of all we’ve been through, you bitch!” he growled. “Now shut the fuck up or I’m going to kill you because I can! Or maybe I’ll even sire you. Can you be made into a vampire again? That’d be rich if you were the one who had to submit to me instead of the other way around, wouldn’t it?”

  From the way Veronica’s eyes went wide and she was suddenly looking at me like she expected me to get her out of this, that wasn’t a pleasant future she was seeing. The only trouble being I wasn’t feeling particularly inclined to save her ass.

  I pushed out with some death magic. The vampires all around were pushed back a couple of steps. Huh. Now that was interesting. Up to this point I’d been using tendrils of the old death magic to do precision strikes, but that was a wall of the stuff that pushed them back.

  I didn’t know I had it in me. Then again I’d been discovering all sorts of novel uses for my powers lately.

  “Do something like that again and I swear I’ll kill her,” Corey said.

  “Go ahead,” I said.

  “What?” Corey asked, clearly confused.

  “What?” Veronica asked, though it was more a shriek than anything.

  “Go ahead and kill her,” I said, waving a hand. “I don’t give a fuck! Do you have any idea how annoying this bitch is?”

  “I mean, yeah?” he said. “You think you have it bad, try dealing with her constantly for the past four decades.”

  “Y’know we might be on opposite sides of this little fight right now,” I said. “But you genuinely have my sympathy for having to put up with her for all those years.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Veronica growled. “I’m right fucking here!”

  “I mean you have to admit that you’re kinda annoying and bossy,” I said, then turned to Corey. “Kill her or turn her into a vampire again. I don’t give a fuck. There’s only one cheerleader I’m interested in, and it isn’t this one for all that she’s tagging along.”

  Veronica glared at me, but I couldn’t feel all that bad. I was telling the truth when I said she was an annoyance. She’d been a thorn in my side for too long. Sure we’d sort of been getting along tonight, but one night of sort of getting along wasn’t going to make up for all the frustration she’d called me.

  “Aren’t you supposed to not want people to get hurt or something?” Corey asked, sounding genuinely confused.

  “I’m a reaper,” I said. “Not some superhero from a Marvel movie or something. I facilitate death. Why the hell do you think I’d be upset at her getting a free trip to the other side? Shit, I’ll take her myself.”

  “For the record I’d like to have a little more say in this!” Veronica growled.

  “Oh fuck all this,” Corey said. “Would you please kill this reaper? We’ll be able to bring her to the Master if she’s dead. He might have to wait for her to come around again, but it’s not a big deal.”

  The vampires moved in around me, and it struck me that there was a flaw in my plan. Maybe I couldn’t be killed permanently, but they could kill me temporarily, and it looked like they were about to do just that. I tried to lash out at as many of them as I could, but unfortunately there were too many of them for me to take on all at once.

  And so I felt bones breaking and other parts of me snapping and making noises that a body definitely wasn’t supposed to make as they moved in around me and the world went dark.

  36

  Dead Again

  I was treated to the unpleasant sight of a bunch of vampires ripping into me as I stared down at my body. Like they were really getting into it, and that Corey asshole didn’t seem all that inclined to tell the motherfuckers to stop.

  “That looks like it’s gonna hurt when you get back into your body,” Arnold said.

  “Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “They’re vampires. I figured the worse they’d do was be sad at me or sparkle at me or something. That seems to be what they do in most movies.”

  “They don’t look very sad,” Jake said. “They look pretty happy about ripping into you.”

  “Who knew vampires could pull the whole werewolf thing?” I said.

  Finally Corey held up a hand and they stopped. He also shoved Veronica to one of the other vampires who grabbed her. I figured there might still be a chance that Jimmy could save her, but then he was pushed to the front of the vampire crowd as well.

  “The night isn’t going all that well for you, all things considered,” Arnold said.

  “Thanks for the reminder,” I growled.

  “I mean you’d think you’d be better than this at this whole vampire hunting thing,” Jake said, doing a little twirl over the bloodsuckers.

  “Again, not a conversation I really need to be having right now,” I said, trying not to grit my teeth and not doing a very good job of it.

  “Have you ever considered maybe fighting off something else?” Arnold asked. “Werewolves might be more your speed.”

  “Would you guys please shut up?” I snapped. “This is going to hurt like a motherfucker when I jump back in my body, and I’m trying to psych myself up for it.”

  “You know it’s not nice for you to mention that you can go back in your body,” Luke said.

  I wheeled on the three ghosts who were not helping this situation by reminding me of how spectacularly I’d failed. How much I’d been failing ever since this whole fucked up situation started. I wrapped the three of them in clouds of death magic, and they actually started to fade away to the other side. Their eyes went wide, and they definitely didn’t look like the happy haunts they usually were.

  “Anyone else want to make a smartass comment about my vampire fighting technique?” I asked, staring at each of them in turn.

  “I think we’re good,” Arnold said, sounding like he was choking for all that he couldn’t draw breath in his deceased state.

  “Good,” I growled. “Because if one more person tries to point out all the trouble I’m having…”

  I let go and sighed. It wasn’t right to take out my frustrations on these guys, for all that they sort of deserved it for all the crap they were giving me, damn it. I figured I was about to do
a hell of a lot of penance for what I’d just put them through, though. I hadn’t been lying when I said it was going to be a huge pain to jump back in my body.

  Well, this was going to hurt whether or not I was doing it now or five minutes from now, and it’s not like the old body was going to start doing its Wolverine thing until my soul was back in there.

  So I jumped back into my body. I wasn’t ever sure what it looked like when I did this, but I always liked to think it was similar to Bill and Ted jumping into people’s bodies as they possessed them in Bogus Journey. A movie that was so close to how the whole death thing actually worked that it almost made me wonder if some reaper had gone off the reservation and told some screenwriter about our world.

  Pain flared in my body. I would’ve screamed, but I was so broken from the beating I’d taken that it was impossible for me to get out more than a whimper. Which was probably a good thing, because right about now I was trying to pull a stealth death thing.

  I hoped they were carrying me to the head asshole to show they’d taken care of business. And if they weren’t carrying me to the head asshole then at the very least I was going to make those fuckers regret ever manhandling me by the time we arrived wherever the hell we were going.

  I didn’t even have to work all that hard at keeping my eyes shut. No, keeping my eyes shut blocked out the light and helped to fight back the world of pain was running through me as my body did its best Hugh Jackman and recovered from the damage.

  I hoped it wouldn’t take long. Usually I healed up pretty fast once I reinhabited my body, but there were no hard and fast rules about how long it took.

  Vampires had started cheering all around me again. I guess the brief interruption from coming out to capture me was over. They were chanting something about how they were going to drain every human in town or something.

  It’d be good to avoid that. On top of being bad for the humans, it’d probably have Death royally pissed off at me for not being able to handle this. Not to mention it’d be a bunch of extra work for me since the other reapers would make me pitch in once it became clear I was the one responsible for everything.