Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  The vampires jostled me which wasn’t doing wonders for the whole healing situation. I didn’t dare move, though. I was terrified that if I did then it would just let them know I was back among the living, for certain definitions of being among the living, and that would invite another beatdown I could do without.

  Finally they threw me to the ground. Pain flared. I whimpered, but thankfully, for certain definitions of thankfully, it seemed that whatever parts of me were responsible for making noise were still broken enough that I couldn’t get more than one of those whimpers out.

  That was good. Sort of. I think. For certain definitions of good.

  “What do we have here?” a new voice said.

  I knew that voice anywhere. Assistant Principal Lee. The asshole was probably gloating over my defeat, but for a surprise I heard him hiss.

  I really wished I could see the show. He sounded really pissed off, and after everything I’d been through I really could’ve done with seeing a vampire getting royally pissed off thanks to something I’d done right about now.

  “What are you thinking bringing her down here?” he hissed.

  There was a meaty sound, followed by some screams and then the sound of something slamming into something hard with a lot of force. Followed by some glass breaking. I had no idea what the hell was going on out there on the other side of my eyelids, but I wanted to see it now more than ever.

  There was a pause. Followed by something slamming down on my leg and causing even more pain to flare through me.

  “I know you’re awake,” Lee said. “So why don’t you drop the act. You might fool my children, but you’re not going to fool me.”

  Well then. I guess we had a vampire who actually knew a little something about how the supernatural world worked. Damn it. Just my fucking luck.

  I opened my eyes. If he knew I was playing possum then there was no point in continuing the charade, after all. Besides, I really wanted to see the look on his asshole fanged face.

  “Well hey there Lee,” I said, which earned me an irritated frown from the good assistant principal.

  Whatever. I figured if he was going to reveal himself to be a bloodsucking creature of the night who was trying to turn the school on our town in a bid to take over the world then I didn’t need to stand on the typical ceremony that went between teacher and student.

  “Get up,” he said.

  I tried to scramble to my feet, but there was something in one of my arms that was still broken enough that it was difficult for me to get up without pain shooting from my arm through my neck and then down to my legs.

  Son of a bitch. What kind of injury did I have that the pain was going all the way from my head to my legs? Something must’ve really gotten screwed up in the wiring.

  “Pull her up, please,” he said, waving his hand in irritation.

  Clawed vampire hands wrapped around me and pulled me up. I knew they were clawed because whatever asshole owned those claws was none too gentle about digging into me with them. I bit back a couple of choice phrases and turned to glare at none other than Corey.

  He grinned an unpleasant grin. Though it was off just a bit thanks to one hell of a bruise covering half his face in the shape of a hand. That explained the meaty sound I’d heard a moment ago, though he was healing up nicely.

  I could also see Veronica and Jimmy not too far behind Corey, but I didn’t care about any of them.

  Stacy was standing right there. She was beautiful, as always. I’d never not be attracted to that girl. Even standing there smiling at me with fangs in her mouth that made it clear she’d been going through some shit lately.

  “You need to show the appropriate respect to the Master,” Corey said.

  “Man, y’all really have this whole kinky vampire BDSM thing going, don’t you?” I asked.

  That earned me a slap from Corey. Stars danced in front of my eyes and I had a moment to reflect on the dangers of pissing off a bunch of bloodsuckers who weren’t in the mood to be taunted. I got the feeling vampires typically didn’t get all that much lip from people considering they were basically apex ambush predators hiding in the shadows attacking people who thought said apex ambush predators were scary stories from books and movies.

  “You’ll shut up when you’re talking to the Master,” he said.

  I’d always thought the whole dumb jock thing was a stereotype made up by nerds who got picked on and then went to Hollywood to write movies where they got some small measure of revenge by writing mean things about those dumb jocks, but now that I was getting to meet a dumb jock from a different era I was wondering if there wasn’t some truth to the old stereotype that was less true in modern times.

  “So which is it supposed to be?” I asked. “Do I need to shut up, or am I going to talk to him? Because I can’t do both at the same time, y’know.”

  Corey’s mouth moved like he was trying to think of a response, and then he held his hand back and balled it up in a fist. I prepared myself for the worst. His vampire friends had already done a number on me, after all, and I was well aware of how much it would hurt if he clocked me with all his vampire strength behind that punch.

  “Wait a moment, Corey,” Lee said from behind us.

  I sighed. It was nice to know I wasn’t going to be picking myself up off the ground. Not yet, at least. I turned back to look at Lee who stood there looking every bit the boring school administrator.

  I guess people didn’t change all that much when they were turned into a vampire. They just became an immortal bloodsucking version of whatever they’d been in real life, and somehow the thought of becoming an immortal school principal forced to forever walk the earth dealing with punk kids seemed like the kind of eternal punishment that not even a bloodsucking vampire son of a bitch truly deserved.

  “Thanks for the save,” I said with a grin I wasn’t really feeling, but I was hoping smiling would make them realize they weren’t intimidating me in the same way that some of the “cattle” would be intimidated.

  “I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m saving you,” he said. “I’m merely delaying the pain while I find out why it is the reapers are interested in my gathering. I’d think someone in your line of work wouldn’t mind me creating work for you.”

  His eyes bored into mine. Those were the eyes of a guy who was used to taking no shit from teenagers, and he was interrogating me with all the expertise of a man who’d been getting high school students to admit to whatever it was they’d done wrong for years.

  At least I had an easy response. I looked to Stacy who stood there staring at me with her fangs out, smiling like she was looking forward to whatever the vampire motherfuckers were about to do to me. Then I looked back to Lee, anger filling me as I thought of him enslaving my girlfriend and forcing her into the creepy Master thing he had going with a bunch of high school kids which was usually the kind of thing that landed teachers on a list of some sort when they were caught.

  If I had any say in it then Assistant Principal Lee would merely land in a pile of dust on the gym floor when this was all said and done.

  “You took something very dear to me,” I said. “And I’m not going to rest until I get her back. I don’t care if I have to kill every bloodsucker in this gym to do it. Well, kill them again. You know what I mean.”

  37

  Vampire Killer

  “You know you’re not the first spurned lover to come to me after your lady love was turned into a vampire,” Lee said, a thin smile playing across his face. “There’s a reason why that was the subject of Dracula. Tale as old as time among vampires.”

  “Yeah, except in this tale as old as time there’s a beast who wants to exsanguinate the leading lady. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t in the Disney version,” I said.

  “The what?” Lee asked.

  “The Disney version of Beauty and the Beast?” I asked. “Lots of Stockholm syndrome masquerading as love? They were sort of moving from princesses who needed a man to solve all their
problems to women who could actually do stuff and the transition was awkward.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.

  “Right. Vampire who doesn’t keep up on pop culture,” I grumbled.

  “Whatever. The fact is you simply have no way of winning here today,” Lee said. “Mr. Thomas?”

  More blinding pain bloomed in my side. I glanced down to see five claws in there. I looked up and sure enough there was the jock Corey asshole staring at me with an unpleasant grin. It was the kind of grin that said he was enjoying the fuck out of this, and he was going to go right on enjoying it until I was out of commission again.

  I had to give it to Assistant Principal Lee. Torturing a reaper so said reaper was stuck in her body but unable to do anything to manipulate the real world was an interesting choice. I wondered if it was the kind of thing the big guy knew about, or if this was an example of me finding yet another wrinkle in the whole reaper thing that hadn’t been discovered yet because no one on the other side had bothered to think about something like that happening.

  “You know I was almost going to give you your friend back,” Assistant Principal Lee said. “I always thought the two of you made a cute couple walking around the halls making those puppy love eyes at one another.”

  “You were almost going to give her back to me?” I spat, and some blood came up with that spit.

  I figured it wasn’t anything good that blood was coming up with the spit. I mean sure it’s not like I was actually going to die as a result of that blood coming up, not permanently at least, but at the same time it meant I was getting closer to death’s door, the figurative door and not the literal Death’s door I stepped through on the regular, which wasn’t good if I wanted to stay in the fight.

  “So what are you going to do now?” I asked.

  “I’m going to continue with my plans,” Lee said. “I have things I need to attend to, and I’m going to leave you over to Mr. Thomas here. Mr. Thomas and his new lady love, now that you’ve been annoying enough to take away Veronica.”

  Assistant Principal Lee looked at me and, for a moment, he actually looked like he was sad. Though there was an undercurrent of menace to his sadness that also made me think he didn’t regret it all that much at all.

  “A fair trade,” he said. “You take away one of mine and I take away one of yours. Veronica has been with me for quite a few decades, after all, and I am going to miss her particularly devious and ruthless way of dealing with the world around her.”

  He glanced at Veronica and, for a moment, it looked like he was genuinely sad that he’d been losing her. It wasn’t even the creepy sort of look you’d expect from an older dude who was creeping on a teenage girl.

  No, that was the look of a father who’d lost a daughter. Like we’re talking the crazy religious types who said their children were dead to them because they disagreed with their lifestyle choices and not the ones who lost their kids to a visit from one of my coworkers.

  Lee shook his head, and then he disappeared into the crowd. No doubt to deal with the administrative side of managing the vampire invasion that was about to hit this town.

  Meanwhile the jock asshole, Mr. Corey Thomas, threw his head back and laughed. It was the sort of villainous laugh that I usually only saw when I was watching the news from Starlight City, and I figured it couldn’t mean anything good that this prick was throwing his head back and laughing like that now.

  “This is going to be fun,” he said. “I think I’m going to take care of you first, and then when that’s done I’m going to take care of Veronica.”

  “Like hell you are!” Jimmy shouted.

  It would’ve been admirable the way Jimmy was trying to break free from his vampire captors. The only problem was there were enough vampires surrounding him that they were able to hold him back without much trouble.

  Not to mention Jimmy didn’t seem like the type who’d been all that strong to begin with back when he was a mere mortal. Sure he was getting a little bit of a boost because he had the whole vampire strength thing going for him, but that vampire strength was only good when he was dealing with mere mortals.

  When he was fighting against other vampires? Forget about it.

  “Don’t you worry Veronica,” Corey said. “I’ll be sure to make it nice and slow. I’ll even have some help, won’t I?”

  I wondered what fresh hell was about to be visited on me as he turned to the side with a grin that was not at all pleasant. That was the kind of fanged grin that promised there were all sorts of unpleasant things that were about to come my way, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  “Come along darling,” Corey said. “We don’t want to keep your old flame waiting, do we?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. Of course if he was going to pull an asshole move, it would be taunting me with Stacy. The guy clearly didn’t have enough brains to have an imagination. Stacy stepped out from the crowd of bloodsucking vampire bastards and gave me that same nasty fanged smile she’d hit me with earlier.

  Because she was working for the enemy now. We’re not even talking back when Graham the necromancer had been using his magic to try and get her to do his bidding. No, she was well and truly under the influence of this vampire asshole, because that’s how it worked with vampires and their whole siring and line of succession bullshit.

  “Seriously?” I said, turning to the jock. “This is the best you can come up with?”

  His grin faltered. Like he wasn’t sure what to make of this sudden act of defiance from yours truly. Again I got the feeling that vampires really weren’t used to people threatening to take them on even when it seemed like they were on the losing side.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, then seemed to recover just a bit. “You can try to distract me all you want, but it’s not going to change this. She’s mine now, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

  “She’s not even into dudes!” I said. “Honestly. Are you going to be that much of a prick?”

  “Whatever,” he said. “Girl on girl is a little naughty, but I can work with that.”

  “Oh my God,” I said. “Are you seriously going to be one of those dudebro assholes who thinks girls getting with other girls is only something that should gratify straight dudes?”

  Corey’s face screwed up in clear confusion. He looked from me to Stacy, and then to Veronica who gave a little shrug that seemed to say she had no idea what the hell I was talking about either.

  “I mean what else is the point?” he finally said, turning back to me.

  I shook my head and choked a couple of times as I tried to get out exactly how wrong this ancient dudebro from before the dawn of time was about the way the world worked. I was used to hearing this bullshit from old people, but it was a little weird hearing it from an old people who still looked like a teenager.

  “I don’t give a fuck what you have to say,” the guy said. “So save your breath.”

  “Sounds about right for an old dude who thinks it should be his way or the highway,” I muttered.

  “What the fuck?” he growled. “I’ve had enough of your bullshit. I’m going to take care of you, but I think it’s going to be more fun to have my new pet take care of business. We’re going to make sure you’re so bleeding and broken that you’re not going to be able to do a damn thing to stop the Master’s plan!”

  I rolled my eyes. Sure it seemed like they were about to introduce me to a world of hurt and it’s not like I was looking forward to that. Not exactly.

  At the same time it was just so damned cheesy. It was enough to make me wonder if there were some ancient black and white movie serial or something where the bad guys acted like this and Corey was simply picking up on what they did in those movies from back when he’d been young.

  “Take care of her, my pet,” Corey said.

  Stacy stepped forward. Her eyes were glazed over. Meanwhile the vampires all throughout the gym had started letting out a chant that s
ounded like something you’d hear at a pep rally, except they were chanting about how much they wanted to see my blood and not about how much they’d like us to defeat whatever the fuck other team was supposed to teach us an early lesson in ill-advised hairless monkey tribalism.

  Stacy moved up so she was standing next to Corey. She smiled as she looked at me and ran a hand along his shoulder, and then down along his back.

  “Oh yeah,” he said, practically purring. “That’s the good fucking stuff. Show her how much you’re into me baby.”

  “You know it,” she said.

  Stacy turned to me, and for a brief moment that glazed look in her eyes disappeared. For that brief moment she looked surprisingly coherent. Like she was all there. Which confused me. If she was fawning all over this asshole then that had to mean she was under whatever mind control compulsion vampire bullshit he was using on her, but there she was and she seemed like she was totally with it.

  She pulled her hand back and away from him. Punched it forward, and then her fist, and jock dude’s heart, punched through the dudebro’s front looking for all the world like a reenactment of John Hurt’s worst day ever on the job.

  He stared down in astonishment. Then he turned to Stacy like he couldn’t quite understand what the hell was going on here.

  “I figured the least you deserve after that whole ridiculous display is a little bit of Temple of Doom treatment,” Stacy said, winking at the dude as he continued to stare between the two of us with a bit of confusion and horror mixing together on that big beefy face of his.

  “What the, what are you… Temple of Doom?”

  The room went quiet all around us. All the cheering for my blood was over. Which was pretty fucking funny, if you asked me. I still wasn’t sure what the hell was going on here, I still wasn’t sure how the hell this had happened, but if it was happening and my ass might be getting saved then I wasn’t going to knock it.