Silent Pledge

by Hannah Alexander

  They stepped into the hallway and walked to the exit in silence. She pulled the removable grippers out of her pocket and bent over to slip them onto her shoes as Theo opened the door. It was cold out there.

  “You have a life, too,” he said as he stepped out ahead of her, slipped, caught himself, and shuffled aside for her to join him.

  “Except for Tedi, my work is my life.” The sharp metal on her shoes grabbed the layer of ice with a satisfying crunch, and she rushed her steps, aware of Theo struggling to keep up. She hated the sense of déjà vu she felt. They’d argued this way years ago, when Tedi was little. Mercy slowed her steps as she pulled the keys out of her coat pocket and pressed the unlock button. The headlights flashed and the locks clicked as she approached her car.

  Theo slid up beside her and caught himself at the door. “I have a lot of extra hours in the evening. Maybe Tedi could come by my place after school. I could keep her until you got off.” He opened the door for her.

  She sat sideways in the car while she removed the cleats. “Look, Theo, it’s cold out here, and I’m tired. I know you want to talk about spending more time with Tedi, and I understand how you feel. Don’t forget I felt the same way for five years.” Her words—and the obvious, lingering bitterness behind them—seemed to spill out and drift between them like ice crystals in the frigid air.

  Theo’s labored breathing grew suddenly silent. He nodded and looked away for a moment.

  Mercy bent her head. Why, God? Why is this happening? You can’t possibly expect…But then, how was she supposed to know what God expected of them? She’d barely known Him three months. She read the Bible with Tedi at least five nights a week, but that wasn’t in-depth Scripture study. How was she supposed to find time to do that on top of everything else?

  And right now she was so confused. Part of her wanted to be friends with Theo again, wanted him to be able to be a father to Tedi. Another part of her wanted to tell him to go away. Did he know how badly he complicated their lives, and how much of an inner battle it was to force this friendship?

  “Mercy, I know this isn’t a good time to talk about all this.”

  “Why don’t you try this a step at a time?” she said as she pivoted in her seat and stuck the key into the ignition. “I’ll talk to Tedi, and if she’s comfortable with seeing you, you can take her out Saturday for a couple of hours, just the two of you. I’ll stay home.”

  She waited for him to agree and allow her to close the door and leave.

  He didn’t reply but continued to stand there.

  She looked up at him, trying to get a glimpse of his expression in the dim glow that filtered out from the lights of the church building. “Theodore, won’t that work for you?”

  He sighed and bent his head. “What did you think about…what Dr. Jordan said tonight?”

  No. She would not discuss this now, when her emotions were already at low ebb and her tongue was getting rowdy. “He likes to be called Joseph.”

  “Mercy…” He leaned down, squinting at her in the dim light. “I mean…did you hear the verses he read…what he said about divorce?”

  “I heard…some of what he said. I’m afraid I dozed a little. Look, I’m very tired, and I want to go home. What do you say about Saturday?”

  He looked at her for a moment, then leaned down farther, bringing his eyes level with hers. “I was thinking that maybe Saturday would be a good time for the three of us to spend some time together—maybe drive to Branson if the roads are clear. We could make an afternoon of it…go to some of the malls, take in a show or…”

  “Hold it.” She raised a hand. “I thought you wanted unsupervised time with Tedi. That’s what I’m trying to do here.”

  “What did I say to make you think that? I never said anything about unsupervised time. You were the one who brought that up. I want more time with both of you.”

  No. This was not happening. She had fallen into one of Tedi’s bad dreams. “You never said anything about a trip to Branson for the three of us.” She didn’t even bother to keep the irritation from her voice now. “I’ll be working Saturday, and I have a load of housework to catch up on.”

  “Okay.” His voice came a little louder, a little more clipped. “That’s fine. I’m sorry I asked.” He held up his hands for a moment, then dropped them and exhaled. “I’m sorry, Mercy. I’m trying, okay? I just don’t know how to do this.”

  She heard the note of entreaty in his voice, and some of her irritation dissipated. Her sense of weariness deepened. He was right. He’d been trying hard to grow and change and to finally be a real father. As for enjoying the time they spent together, Mercy always enjoyed time with Tedi, and Tedi was healing. That was worth a lot.

  “Theodore, I’m sorry, too. Just give me more time.” And yet, she knew in her heart that even if an eternity passed, she would never be able to love him that way again. Never.

  At the look of deep sadness in his eyes, she relented. Slightly. “You have to admit things are a lot better now than they were six months ago.”

  He thought about that for a moment, then nodded. “Much better. Everything’s better.”

  “Do you need a ride home?” She hoped not, but she had to offer. She just wanted to get away from him right now and forget everything.

  “Not tonight. I need to talk to Dr….Joseph. I’ll see you soon, Mercy.” He turned and slid across the ice back toward the church.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Tex wobbled one too many times on her high heels, and before the spaghetti was done she’d kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable in her stocking feet.

  Dr. Hershel Moss rolled up his sleeves and helped with the food preparation without waiting for an invitation. He stood at least an inch taller than Tex. His soft voice served as a counterpoint to her healthy vocal tones, and his friendly smile did much to add attractiveness to his craggy good looks. He laughed a lot. His was a nervous laughter, as if he wasn’t entirely comfortable in the situation. However, he might have just picked up on Lukas’s discomfort, because he seemed to enjoy Tex’s company—or at least her appearance. He enjoyed it even more when Tex wasn’t looking.

  Lukas found himself scowling at the man. Why did he suddenly feel like a protective older brother?

  And Tex, to his amazement, had suddenly turned into a charming hostess. As Mercy would say, “Who’da thunk it?”

  Hershel’s sister, Nancy, was nearly six inches shorter than Tex. She had pale blond hair and sad brown eyes that seemed to hold too many unhappy memories. She was dressed in gray slacks and a paler gray sweater that hung loosely from her slender shoulders. Unlike her brother, she did not project a jolly nature. She sat at the table with Lukas at the far end of the kitchen from Tex and Hershel, her arms crossed protectively over her chest.

  “I don’t make a habit of this, you know,” she announced in a soft voice, under cover of Tex’s rocking laughter at one of Hershel’s jokes.

  Lukas turned to her, surprised she’d spoken. “What’s that? Let yourself get tricked into a blind date?”

  The barely detectable lines around Nancy’s eyes deepened in a smile that never reached her mouth. “Date is such an ugly word, don’t you think? At least it always has been to me. Let’s just call this what it is—victimization.”

  Lukas nodded in sympathy. Time for the counseling session. “So you’ve had some bad ones?”

  She looked away for a moment, thinking, then nodded. “You might say that. The last one landed me in prison for ten years.” At Lukas’s expression of intrigue, she allowed herself a quick smile. “Some marriages are like that. In fact, I haven’t seen very many that weren’t that way part of the time.”

  “Since I’m not married yet, I can’t argue with you,” he said.

  Her gaze settled on his face with interest. “Yet?”

  Hmm, a little slip there. He nodded. “I hope to be married someday, of course. I’m thirty-five, so I guess you could say I’ve waited a little longer than most.” />
  “Sounds like an intelligent move on your part. Why ruin a perfect record?”

  “Okay, everybody, soup’s on,” Tex announced. “Grab your plates and serve yourselves from the stove. There isn’t room on Dr. Bower’s table for all this great food I’ve fixed.”

  Nancy spoke little throughout dinner, possibly because Tex and Hershel kept the conversation flowing with so much energy no one else had a chance to speak. That suited Lukas fine. Both he and Nancy had been dragged into this unwillingly, and the thought made him relax. She wasn’t any more interested in making this a date than he was.

  Lukas did not want to “see” anyone. In spite of the Theodore factor, his heart still felt connected to Mercy. Thanks to the battle of chasing a job all over Missouri, they’d only been together a handful of times since October, and still he felt a connection to her, both physically and emotionally, even though they had shared but a handful of hugs and even fewer kisses.

  When Tex finished her last bite of lemon cookies and vanilla ice cream—she obviously did not share Mercy’s love of chocolate—she pushed back from the table. “Okay, my work is done.” She collected plates and stacked them on the counter by the sink while Hershel watched.

  And again, Lukas couldn’t help noticing how carefully Hershel watched. His gaze took in Tex’s every movement. Had he no shame?

  Tex, oblivious to the attention, finished stacking the final dish, then looked at Hershel with a grin, beckoning him with her finger. “I only offered to cook dinner. I didn’t offer to do the dishes. I’ve got some pictures of our E.R. staff Christmas party I can bring over from my place. Want to join me on the couch?”

  Lukas shrugged away a feeling of discomfort as he watched them walk out of the kitchen. Maybe he was just being sensitive after what Tex told him earlier…or maybe she really was as gullible as she seemed. She obviously had a crush on Hershel, but shouldn’t she be a little more alert after the incident at the hospital? What if the guy really was a masher?

  “Story of my life,” Nancy muttered. “Stick me with the cleanup.” She stood up and collected the remaining unmatched silverware and glasses and carried them to the sink.

  Lukas joined her and ran water in the sink—the apartment didn’t come equipped with a dishwasher. “If you’d rather go look at pictures, I can clean this up. I know how. I always had kitchen detail when I was a kid, because I was the youngest.” And meanwhile Nancy could chaperone Tex and Hershel.

  She gave him a knowing look. “According to Theresa, you haven’t had much experience since then, so maybe I’d better stay and help. Besides, I think they want to be alone.”

  Lukas heard them clearly past the open threshold into the living room as Tex came back from her apartment with picture album in hand. “You’ve got to see these first ones, Hershel. Quinn was crocked, and Delaney had to take a shift for him, remember? Quinn wanted to fight about it, because he said he couldn’t afford to miss a shift. I could use these for blackmail if Quinn had any money to extort, but I wouldn’t want to turn my back on that man if I pulled something like that.” She grimaced. “I still say he shouldn’t be allowed around patients.”

  As Tex continued to talk, Nancy looked at Lukas, then placed some dishes into soapy water. “So tell me what you’re doing in this crazy town if you’re looking to get married.”

  “Biding my time.”

  “Mystery man? No past, no future, just stuck out here in the middle of nowhere?”

  “No, didn’t Tex tell you anything about me?”

  “She was too busy trying to manipulate my brother for a date. Hershel’s wife died a year ago, and he hasn’t been getting out much. Tex is determined to change all that. I bet she didn’t tell you very much about me, either.”

  “Not much.” Okay, get it over with. Give the vitals and be done with it. “I have two brothers in Jefferson City who are computer programmers, I have two nephews, and my dad and stepmom live in Mount Vernon. I live in Knolls, close to the Missouri-Arkansas border. It’s about an hour and a half east of Branson.”

  “So why aren’t you there?”

  “Our emergency room burned last October. They’re rebuilding.”

  “Did you leave somebody special down there?”

  “Special?”

  She shook her head in exasperation as she rinsed a skillet and set it on a dish towel spread out on the counter. “I don’t know a single man who actually admits he wants to get married unless he has someone in mind.”

  Lukas tried to remember…did he ever express the wish to get married before he met Mercy? He knew he was lonely, but now the loneliness centered itself far deeper within him and made a bigger space in his heart. “Just because you have someone in mind doesn’t always mean the relationship will work out the way you want it to.”

  They worked in silence for a few moments.

  Marriage…Lukas wished things with Mercy weren’t so complicated. He’d never paid much attention to the divorce-remarriage issue throughout the Bible. Now he wished he had. On the one hand, he sensed God’s leading in his relationship with Mercy. But then, he knew God hated divorce—it broke a physical and spiritual covenant between two people and tore families apart. Marriage was intended to provide a foundation for children, and now that Theo and Mercy were both Christians, Theo had displayed ample evidence that he wanted back into his daughter’s life. He wanted to help raise her. Who better to do that than her own natural father?

  “Is she already married?” Nancy asked softly.

  This startled Lukas from his thoughts. “What? No. Of course not. We’ve just been good friends for some time now, and…” He didn’t want to get into an explanation with a stranger. “It just isn’t workable right now.” Drop the subject. Start the counseling session. Isn’t Nancy the one who needs to unload?

  “Does she know?”

  He ripped some paper towels from a roll and wiped the table off, grimacing at a sudden, loud spurt of laughter from the other room. “Does she know what?” He was getting a little tired of the line of questioning. Tex wasn’t going to talk him into anything like this again.

  “That you love her and want to marry her.” Nancy gave a delicate, ladylike version of Tex’s snort. “For a smart man, you don’t seem to catch on quickly. If she’s not married, and you love her—”

  “Well, she’s not exactly married.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Nancy dried her hands, then fisted them onto her hips. “She’s either married or she’s not. Is she separated? Engaged?”

  “She’s divorced, okay?” Lukas repressed his discomfort. This woman was not the quiet, sad person he’d first thought. Her attitude revealed a well-stocked arsenal of bitterness, and she seemed to be looking for the closest possible target as an outlet. “But her ex-husband is trying to make amends with her and their little girl, and I need to stay out of the way and let her make her own decisions.” Didn’t that sound simple enough? And yet, why should he even be trying to explain this to a stranger?

  Nancy gave him a disgusted look. “And I suppose you haven’t even talked to her about this, have you? Doesn’t she have a choice? Don’t you think she’s intelligent enough to make an informed decision?” The decibel of her voice moved up a notch, and the talk and laughter in the other room went suddenly silent. “Come on, can’t you do better than that?”

  “Oh, no.” As soon as Mercy swallowed the medication, she realized she’d taken her sleeping pill instead of her hormones. And it was only nine o’clock at night! “I can’t believe I did that,” she muttered. Having to depend on drugs just to live a normal life was frustrating.

  “What, Mom?” Tedi called from the other room.

  Mercy shook her head and closed the cabinet door. “Nothing that bad, honey. I just set myself an earlier bedtime than usual.” Before she went to bed she’d wanted to have that talk with Tedi about spending time alone with Theo Saturday.

  “You took your Ambien already?”

  Mercy grimaced. She had taken h
er medicine early once before. Tedi learned quickly. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “I’d better hide the lunch I packed for tomorrow, then,” Tedi teased. “You’ll eat it, like you did last week.”

  Mercy would protest, but Tedi was right. The drug worked fast and always kicked her appetite into high gear. That was why she had trouble losing weight right now, because between the moment she took the sleeping pill and the moment she fell asleep, she turned into an eating machine, and she didn’t care what she put in her mouth. That was the way the drug worked on her, for some reason. Ordinarily Ambien was used for short-term sleep disturbances, and so Mercy had no other patients with which to compare this particular side effect. She was just glad she didn’t keep a lot of high-fat foods around the house. Crackers worked nicely when she couldn’t find anything better. And she loved cheese and potato chips—those baked ones that didn’t have the added fat. She preached about healthy eating, and here she was stuffing food in her face at the wrong time of night. Those calories would just sit on her fat cells.

  Tedi had grown accustomed to her mother’s binges. “Mom, let me fix you a wrap. I’ll make it with lettuce and peppers and alfalfa sprouts on a low-carb tortilla. By the time you’re hungry you’ll eat it and get full and you won’t want anything else.”

  “Go for it,” Mercy said with a sigh. She stepped to the front window and gazed out at the frozen night. Because of this stupid premature menopause her own daughter had to take care of her now, late at night, when her brain didn’t seem to work right, and she got her medications confused.

  She was only thirty-nine, for goodness’ sake! Some of her patients welcomed menopause. She hated the thought of her body entering that change in life. Hormone therapy controlled the majority of the hot flashes and other associated symptoms, but it didn’t help her sleep.