I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  ‘Hi!’

  I was lost for words, like a complete idiot. I could not believe what was happening to me. The last thing I am is shy. I have never been a shy person. I can even say that I am the pro-active one if I like a man. Some friends tell me I am aggressive. I have always been the one to give a man hell if he is pestering our girls’ gang. I have always found a way to get smart on him and hurt his feelings. What about now? Here I was, stuck like a complete idiot. I couldn’t believe it. He was gazing at me. Then he smiled slightly. Oh my God, what a smile…

  ‘Hi,’ he repeated.

  ‘Hi!’

  ‘You were staring at me.’

  ‘Who, me?! It’s a bit cocky of you to say that, given the fact that you were staring at me like a predator looking over its prey.’

  ‘You made me do it,’ he was doing it again. He was just pulling me in with that look. I could throw myself at him and kiss him any moment, without even thinking about it.

  ‘Oh, you’re so cocky.’

  ‘I can say the same about you. After all, I’m here with my girlfriend. And you’ve been staring at me all the time.’

  My jaw dropped. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was wondering whether I should slap him or throw my drink in his face, or stab my high heels in his toes, or take my heels and stab them further up north, somewhere in between his thighs. Whilst I was still unsure of what torture I would apply for this unearthly rudeness, he was already picking up his drinks and heading toward the tables. That beat anything that had ever happened to me before. I felt weak, abandoned. Just as my mind had returned to its place and I had so much to say. Oh yeah, I had so much to say to this cocky, disgusting, stuck-up, tall, strong guy with that sexy derriere. He most definitely was sexy. And he didn’t give me the chance to put him in his place! He knew perfectly well I wouldn’t let myself do anything more. Not at Danny’s birthday, whom he obviously knew so well, given the way they were hugging each other at that exact moment. They were visibly talking as if they were very close friends. And there it was again, that cocky and greedy look straight at me. I wished this moment could last longer, wished I could remain grasped by his look for a long time. But with all my willpower I had gained through years and years, I managed to turn around with all the finesse and grace I had in me. I brushed my beautiful, long hair and swung my hips so that he could get the opportunity for a completely breathtaking view.

  Chapter 2

  It didn’t stop raining all night. Thunder. Lightning. It was an enchanting summer storm. A hot night. And wet. I myself was soaking wet. I couldn’t sleep. At all. I kept twisting and turning. I couldn’t get him out of my head. I kept thinking about the situations that had brought me where to I was. I was wondering whether I hadn’t made things happen or whether he had planned them all well. Or maybe both of us had attracted each other with an extraordinary force. I had never before felt anything like it. Whenever I’m around him, something like a wave just hits me. Strong and shattering. And I forget to think. I just leave myself to the feeling. And he devours me. I feel so little and weak. So vulnerable. And he’s strong. Dangerous.

  This might very well be the best way to put it. Dangerous. Everything about him emanates danger and I’m attracted to him, nonetheless. I’m drawn toward him. He lures me in. My mind cries “run far away”, but my body cannot obey that command. On the contrary, fully realizing I should be running from him, I go straight towards him. I get closer to him. I look him in the eye. I just let myself go. I let him do whatever he wants to me. And I don’t even beg for mercy. I want him to grab me. To tear me up. I see a desire in his eyes and I like it.

  It’s all thunder and lightning outside. The type of weather that best fits my emotional condition. I still can’t pull myself together after colliding with him. The slightest memory makes me tremble. With rage, arousal, fear of what will come of me after all this. This man can stir me from one emotion to the complete opposite in just fractions of a second. And I really am weak, lost. In the meantime, he seems to be the master and it’s as if he’s simply directing yet another plot.

  After all the different and, in a way identical, relationships in my life until then, I had come to one conclusion: I was a girl of extremes. And, of course, I attracted men of extremes. All my relationships were strongly emotional and wild, with lots of scandals and passionate reconciliations. I was attracted to men who wanted everything to the fullest. Men with no restrictions. Men who love danger. But they didn’t appreciate anything, not even their relationships. So, I got tired. I finally wanted balance. Yes, harmony and simplicity. I didn’t want to complicate anything, I didn’t want to always be on top because in the end I always ended up at the bottom. Yes, I had reached the conclusion that relations between people are like a pendulum. Whenever you push it one way, it cannot go back to the middle and remain there – it goes in the opposite direction with the same force. And that’s when everything goes wrong, unless you have the ability to slow the pace yourself after that moment at the top and patiently move toward the moment at the bottom, all in calm.

  I am not patient. I am a person who never stops poking about, looking for a development, seeking an answer to their questions. I cannot remain still. I refuse to remain still. I strongly believe that relations between people can be in a constantly perfect form only if both partners put in the necessary effort. I have always looked for such partners.

  Balance. When you have it, you don’t need to talk, to explain, to excuse yourself, to demand. When it’s there, everything else matters little. The only important thing is the two of you. That’s when everything really is simple. And easy. Everything is clear. Transparent. No doubts, no accusations, no fear, no regret. That is exactly the when you understand the true sweetness of two people intertwining. Two entirely different and separate individuals, who pull the other so close to themselves, to their hearts, to their souls, that the feeling achieved is of true completeness and dedication. That is when you realize that this is right, real, valuable. You realize that this is worth fighting for and that all else is futile. That whatever you achieve in life, if there is no one to share all these emotions with you, through you, nothing else matters anymore.

  In the rare moments when I have achieved all these sensations, I have understood undoubtedly that this is the way things should happen, that all this is achievable and that it’s not just another illusion, created by our commercial society to make us buy yet another thing.

  This is the way things should be happening. This is the way I want them to happen, but it’s so difficult. Balance is impossible when both people are dedicated to extremes. Impossible. Or at least I haven’t found a way to that end. That’s why I decided that since extreme attracts extreme, which only leads to more extreme and denounces tolerance and freedom, I will go in the other direction and look for someone who balances me, appeases me, tames me and doesn’t provoke me more or even lead me to self-destruction.

  I was very surprised the day after Daniel’s birthday when I found out all the details about my cocky and mysterious stranger. Why did I say “my”? I’m far from such a thought… When I asked in full detail the day after the birthday I was disappointed. He perfectly fit the description of a “man of extremes”. Daniel, who had worked for many years in trade, made a professional and comprehensive presentation of the man who had captured my attention. With his cockiness. With his sex appeal. With his energy. I didn’t need to ask much. The way it is with Danny is that you only ask one question and he inundates you with loads of information. All I needed.

  I’ve known Danny since high school. We studied at the same school. We’ve been very close ever since and we’ve never once separated in all these years. We’ve spent so much time together, we have had so many experiences in common, friends in common, memories in common. That’s exactly why I feel I’ve known him all my life, I know all his family and friends, all his girlfriends and colleagues. It turns out though that before we met each other, he had another life.
A life Danny never talked about, a life that had turned into a piece of his past that he didn’t want to bring to light.

  My sexy stranger was part of that past. His name was Phillip. When they were kids, they used to be very close. Their families were inseparable, as their mothers were best friends. They spent almost all their childhood together. Until after one of their holidays (when they were about ten years old), Phillip’s parents were in a car accident. A very serious one with a tragic end. Phillip was in Danny’s car, so the two boys could be together. His parents died on the spot. Both of them. Phillip lived with Daniel for a long time after that. Daniel’s parents even initiated a procedure to adopt him when all of a sudden Phillip’s grandmother expressed her will to take care of him. Daniel couldn’t tell me almost anything about her because Phillip hadn’t spoken a lot about her, neither had his parents. The only thing he knew was that she had lived in America for many years and she hadn’t been to Bulgaria ever since she left.

  ‘It was very hard for me when I found out that Phillip had to leave,’ said Danny when we met up for coffee shortly after his birthday. ‘And not just anywhere, but for America. At that age I had no idea how far away that actually was. I only knew it was on the other side of the world. We’d often sit together in his room and look at the world atlas my mother had given him when she found out he’d have to leave. We stared at it and dreamt of traveling often – him visiting me and me visiting him. We spoke about all the different places we would explore together and how we’d never lose touch with each other. But I felt with all my heart how strongly he wanted to leave. How much he wanted to run away from us because everything around us, everything in our house, in our neighborhood, in our school, in my parents, even in myself only reminded him of his departed parents. Phillip took their loss in a very manly way. He cried of course, they were the ones who had taught him to not be embarrassed to cry, quite the contrary even – to let all his emotions out when in pain, to not keep it all in. He cried a lot, but when he found out about the grandmother he had never seen, he gathered all his inner strength and became a man of steel. That’s when I realized how mature he was, how much more grown-up than me, although we were the same age.’

  Daniel told me all about their games, what rascals they were, how much he loved Phillip, how he admired him because he was always the one coming up with the mischievous ideas and Danny loved to follow him. He spoke with such enthusiasm and love of all the children’s adventures their imagination managed to create. Danny had never before mentioned Phillip to any of us, as if he had locked him in a corner of his heart. But now that he reappeared, all these memories resurfaced out of nowhere. As he was telling me in detail about the things they’d experienced together, I realized how much he loved him and how hard it was for him when they separated. I’ve never had such a close friend. But I felt with all my heart all the different emotions Danny had for Phillip – the brotherly love, the pain from their separation and the despair he felt when he understood that the distance between the two friends would be a real issue, that all the adventurous travels they had dreamt of as children would hardly come true.

  They began exchanging letters, at start very often but with time they became rarer until the moment that both entered puberty and both were interested in the events of the day, the friends and loves they had then. Not one visit ever happened because Danny’s parents couldn’t afford to send him there and Phillip, whose grandmother seemed to be very rich, never wanted to go back to Bulgaria. So, although Danny knew very well, especially thanks to his mother, that a journey to Bulgaria would be related to many painful memories for Phillip, he was mad at him. At one moment he ceased all relations with Phillip and decided that if he wasn’t that important to him to come and visit, he wasn’t worth wasting the time maintaining any connection.

  They hadn’t heard from one another for a long time, especially after the attempts Phillip had at contacting Daniel and Daniel’s stubborn refusal. So, it all seemed to have ended. Many times, when Daniel was already grown up and clearly understood the pain it would have caused Phillip to come to Bulgaria, he wanted to get in touch with him, to see how things were, to apologize for his infantine stupidity, cruelty even, to make up for all the lost years, to visit him, now that he could afford it. But something kept stopping him…male pride, embarrassment at his weakness although they were just kids. He himself could not explain why he didn’t even try. Until then. Until Phillip added him on a social network out of nothing, only to tell him he was coming home, and he was going to kick his ass.

  Daniel spoke of Phillip with so much love. Oh yes, he really felt him somewhat like a prodigal brother, coming back to him. He was truly happy. They had so much to catch up on. Most of the things that had happened in the past years were not yet shared. Phillip had organized his visit so that he could arrive just in time for Danny’s birthday and surprise him. All I found out about the Phillip of nowadays was that his grandmother turned out to be very rich. She had unresolved relations with her only daughter – Phillip’s mother whom she hadn’t kept in touch with, so, when he went to her, she did all she could to make up for her mistakes with her own child. She gave him a wonderful life, more than a classy education and a head start for his future. Phillip himself also made a huge contribution to his own success. He was very intelligent and active. He participated in various youth organizations, started his own prosperous business at a young age and sold it to a big investment company a few years later. He immediately started working on two more companies with different activities which he was still developing now, one of them related to hotels. He had boutique hotels in some places in America, as well as in Canada. He had plans on expanding across Europe as well, starting with Bulgaria. Daniel was very proud, since they were planning on working together, with him doing the marketing and advertising of Phillip’s activities in Europe.

  Shortly after meeting up with Danny, I got home and found Phillip on Facebook. This man was like a drug in my blood. I needed to find out more about him. I needed to find out as many details about his life as possible. Luckily enough, a lot of his profile info was public, and I didn’t have to be his friend to look up all I was interested in. I was never going to add him as a friend anyway. Ever. I found out from Facebook that he did a lot of extreme sports and travelled to exotic destinations. There was a bunch of photos of Phillip at various places across the globe, doing various sports, eating various foods, exploring various cultures, with different clothes, hairstyles and girls. Jesus, he was so handsome! And of course, all the girls around him were no less attractive. Not one girl reappeared on two consecutive journeys or events. So many parties, so many cocktails, so many experiences. How many lives had that man lived? We were the same age, but I felt he was at least ten years older than me. Graduated from Harvard, naturally. With honors, naturally. I thought I’d look him up on the internet. I was more than shocked when I wrote his full name. There was more information than I could ever have expected. A lot of photos, a lot of articles, a terrible amount of PR.

  It turned out that this strange, arrogant man was actually quite the thing. No wonder he’s so sexily self-confident. I spent so long searching for information on him. I was mad at myself, but I just couldn’t stop. I was enchanted and wanted to know everything. The more I got to know, the more interested I was and lost control over myself. There was a lot of information about his numerous relationships. Media in America definitely loved him. So did the cameras. He looked manly, confident and powerful in every photo. Women definitely loved him too. There was so much information about his relationships, each and every one of them short and fast to finish. There was only one woman they wrote a lot about and for a long period of time, but there were no pictures of her. As if he was protecting her himself. And of course, the media had gone wild. They were digging, commenting, they developed theories and speculations, they hadn’t seen him with her anywhere, but he had no women around him for a long time. I turned out that the woman I saw him with at Danny’s bi
rthday was his PR for America. She came here to meet Daniel and plan the future steps for the business. Nobody mentioned her having anything more than professional relations with Phillip. Interesting.

  I was sitting there with my eyes burning red from staring at the computer, terrified of myself and the thorough research I was doing on this man. I was wondering why I was doing it at all and the only answer that came to mind was that I badly liked him. Suddenly, my computer chimed. I couldn’t believe my eyes: Phillip had sent me a friend request. I started shaking. What was wrong with me? Where did the confident, wanted, desired by many men, radiant ME go? One guy sends me a friend request on Facebook and I start shivering, as if my entire life depends on my next move. What would I do if I met him in person somewhere? I had no idea how to react. I was still mad at him from our first contact. Should I tease him a few days and not accept his friend request? In the meantime, everything in me cried out how much I wanted to accept it immediately, so I could see what he’d write to me. Oh God, what was happening to me? I was acting like a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl. He had searched for me, he had done the effort of looking through Daniel’s contacts, I suppose, and sent me a friend request. Interesting. The information on my profile was entirely hidden and he had no access to it if we weren’t friends. There was so little information about me on the internet, since I’ve always avoided publicity. I was ahead of him there. I already knew everything about him and he knew nothing about me. Unless Daniel had spilled the beans. He knew everything about me. I strongly doubted it. They had so much to catch up on. I poured myself a glass of wine. I needed to calm down.

  I love my apartment. I love my independence. I love the time I can spend alone with myself. I love the nights when I simply decide to rest, enjoy a glass of wine, as well as the cozy atmosphere I have created throughout the years. To play some nice music, light some candles, do all the things I feel like doing. That’s exactly what I needed on a day like that to calm my shaken emotions from all that had happened to me with Phillip.