I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  My computer chimed again. I looked at it – I got a message from him. ‘Accept my friend request!’ Imperative. Arrogant once again. Must be typical of him. I started shaking again. With anger, with resistance, with weakness even. I didn’t know how to handle this man, how to react. In the end, I’ve always been a woman of action. I’ve never been afraid or timid. This might be the only thing I have never been. I felt divided between irritation because of his commanding tone and desire to have him write to me more and tell me what he had to say. So, I decided to accept him. I accepted him in my network. I sensed that choice would shake up my life. I knew it. I couldn’t resist the tension and replied:

  ‘It seems your arrogance knows no boundaries.’

  I waited for some time, but he didn’t reply. What was wrong with that guy? He gave out extremely contradictory signals. Or rather, what was going on with me? What did I want from him? No matter what his actions and reactions were. Why was I already getting expectations in my head? This had to be put to an end. This man caused very strong emotions in me. I hardly managed to control myself. He easily got me out of my comfort zone. But I was a bold, beautiful, strongly aware woman who could handle a situation like this. I could handle any kind of situation. I turned off my computer and went to bed.

  Chapter 3

  I love my job, I always have. I’m not the type of person to work only because it’s expected from them, because they need the money or to pass time. I have always gone to work willingly and fully aware of my goals. I’ve not always done what I do now, though. I’ve been working since I was sixteen years old. I started working during summer holidays when I didn’t have to go to school. I liked it because I got quite a lot of pocket money, which I could use as I wished, without being controlled by my parents. I worked as a waitress, a catering helper, a babysitter. My parents’ opinion is that one should start working at the youngest age allowed by the state. That’s how you get the experience, become responsible, disciplined, even persistent, when you don’t feel like getting out of bed to go to work. When I graduated from school, a real, full-grown adult, and had the right to work in more fields of work even without an education, I continued. Although I immediately got accepted in university, I got to know the university atmosphere very fast and decided not to remain in one place, but to keep on working. The truth is I have always liked what I do. I liked the independence I felt when receiving my salary. I liked the feeling that the money was only mine and I could spend it on whatever I wished. I actually tried to save up, and the more I worked, the more money I managed to put aside. During my second year at university, I was already paying my tuition fees myself. I have never been overwhelmed by my work, even back then, when I had to juggle work, studying for exams and going to classes. Most of the people my age then didn’t work. They preferred to live their student years to the fullest and go to all the parties. I can’t personally say that I ever suffered from the impossibility of going out with my fellow students. I managed to balance things and my satisfaction with being somewhat independent was even greater.

  Once, working from restaurant to restaurant, bar to bar, hotel to hotel, I realized I’d been through a lot and very different positions in services. As a student at university, I worked as an usher in a restaurant and in a nightclub, as a bartender, as a waitress, as a shift manager in a restaurant, as a promoter, as a receptionist, even as a casino croupier. Most of the time I changed positions and workplaces because I received an even better position at an even better place. When I was a third-year student at university, the manager of the hotel chain where I used to work at the time as team leader of the nightclub employees offered me a higher-level managerial position, although I had no experience in that and didn’t yet have a degree. I’d been working for their chain for quite a while and almost every three months one of my direct bosses would send a positive attestation for my work and I’d get promoted. The truth is that every job I’ve ever started doing, I did with a lot of commitment and dedication. My parents had a good enough income to not make me work out of need at lower-qualified positions. But they both knew that it would help me build a character, and learn the different ranks in the hierarchy, which would sooner or later be useful for me. So, thanks to their way of thinking and their support, I’ve never felt uncomfortable about doing any kind of job.

  When they offered me this higher position of managing a team of thirty people from various departments for one of their smaller hotels, I didn’t hesitate a minute. I didn’t worry about lacking experience, having to learn fast or about the energy and time it would take. I was no longer going to work shifts as I used to, because now they were going to expect results, not just time spent at the job. They offered me the position of deputy-manager of the hotel. This was where I gained the most experience. The time I dedicated to work was between twelve–sixteen hours a day and I’d often work six days a week. I was younger than the other people on my team and I had to prove myself good for the position. My direct boss – the hotel manager was a tyrant to say the least. He was fifty or sixty years old, I never really found out what his age was exactly. He had a lot of experience in his past and, most of all, was business savvy. Although he didn’t have an education in that field, he always knew what to do to achieve the results that were expected of him and do even better. He expected the people who worked for him to have the same ardor and enthusiasm as himself. That’s why all the years of experience and all the people who had been in his team had made him tired of all the disappointment. When I started working for him, he was very demanding and had lost trust in us. Even though his attitude towards the employees was army-like, a lot of people respected him for his fair attitude and his good results. This hotel was one of the most successful ones in the chain, although its location was bad. I learnt a great deal from him. I spent a lot of time reading additional literature when I wasn’t at work so that I could give my contribution and advance even faster. And the further I managed to get, the more he demanded. He didn’t congratulate me on my good work, but he never omitted to point out a mistake. I did everything. The more I worked, the less time I had to study and to see my friends.

  Yes, that was another one of my extremes. I did graduate somehow, and I didn’t get a very bad result, actually. I even did better than a lot of my fellow students that didn’t work while at university. The moment I received my diploma, my boss, who had spent more than two years in constant demanding, teaching and provoking for more, came to me and just said, ‘You’re ready.’ He was a man of few words. He didn’t express his emotions. Yet I always sensed the support and trust he had in me. That was when I felt it more than ever. He didn’t say much but he did say enough to get me moved and cry tears of joy. I knew I had earned his respect. Not long after, I received another offer from the chain owners – become the manager.

  I didn’t hesitate for a second and threw myself directly into this whirlpool of work, work, work and more work. I didn’t feel time flying by. The hotel I took on hadn’t been very successful until then, but it went up in the hotel ratings in no time. What I had learned from my previous manager was extremely precious. He had taught me how to treat customers, how to motivate employees and, in the meantime, remain respected and keep my authority as leader, how to be a mediator between them and the owners, who only cared about the numbers. Then I started working on the advertising with the marketing department, even taking care of the works and decorations. That was where I was in my element. I had a sense of detail and the décor worked out marvelously. I even got invitations from other hotels to help with their interior changes. I suggested we start more activities within the company, so we started organizing various events. Another passion I excelled at. I had interesting offers for events, I reached out to the right partners and together we accomplished our ideas. The hotels in the chain achieved a completely different status and more and more people wanted our services.

  All of a sudden, I realized four years had passed. Four years, during which my main priority in li
fe was my career and all my successes only nurtured my competitive spirit. I was caught up in a whirl of recognition and taking on ever more responsibilities. I was the manager of three hotels and I led the celebrations’ department for all the hotels, as well as being the chief consultant on interior decoration. I got more than enough in terms of money, as you can imagine. More than I could even spend, since I didn’t have a spare minute all to myself.

  That’s exactly when I felt I was at a crossroads. I had the need to run. I was really tired of all I had filled my life with. Yes, I loved my job, it gave me so much. I was overflowing, but it took so much away from me in the meantime. It filled up my entire life, without leaving space for anything else. My closest friends shouted at me for some time that this wasn’t the right way. That not only work is important, that I was missing out on wonderful moments and that one day the time would come when I’d be very sorry if I didn’t make a change as soon as possible.

  These shouts were so many – coming from my friends, my family, but for so long I didn’t even give them the chance to listen to them. I worked so much, I had so many engagements. Work never ended, of course. I knew people who complained about their pay or about their dislike of their job. Well, I was satisfied with both. But the truth is I began feeling an emptiness. I spent so long without paying attention to that specific feeling in my gut in the few moments I had some spare time. They were so few however, so I easily filled them up with my closest people, whom I otherwise ignored.

  Then came the day, after yet another opening of one of the new hotels in the chain, when I was completely shattered. While opening a new hotel I was always the person with the most responsibilities and duties. At that point in my career, I did have a lot of subordinates, naturally. I had many bosses of different subdivisions, such hardworking people I had personally chosen and trained. They were all avidly engaged in their work, but I was the one responsible. At moments like that I wanted to double-check everything. I did even the tiniest details in the hotel interior, the ceremony advertising, the event itself, inviting interesting guests during the first few months. In the meantime, I was supposed to keep an eye on the old hotels I was responsible for too. That’s exactly when I started feeling that what I was doing was just too much.

  The opening went splendidly. As you can guess, there were some stressful moments and some slipups, but nobody else knew other than myself and my crew. After so many years of working together, we had turned into a lovely team and I honestly loved the guys and girls I worked with. They were not only professionals, but also amazing people. Nonetheless, right after the opening, after having finished this engagement, I wanted to run away. Far, far away. Once I had finally decided about taking a rest, I got the opportunity to go on a long, exotic holiday. I didn’t think twice about it, even though I was supposed to be gone for longer than any vacation I’d ever taken – I had to be away for twenty days. When I told my bosses that without explaining myself about going on holiday, they asked me whether I was physically well. I couldn’t believe it. That was when I realized the longest vacation I had ever had was no more than five days, most of the time I’d only go somewhere near for two–three days and come back to work. I had ignored myself and my personal needs so much, even though I could financially allow myself so much, that my bosses refused to believe I could spend twenty days of my life all for myself.

  That is the precise moment I decided I should make a complete change in my life and that this trip would only be the beginning. That was a turning point in my life. I left, filling half of my suitcase with books for personal growth. I travelled and read. I read and travelled. The more time passed, the more I realized my friends were right. Sure, I made great money, I worked with awesome colleagues, I earned the respect of important people in the sector and, not long afterwards, they trusted me with a lot. But I had actually betrayed myself. I had lost myself in this whirl of learning and proving myself. I neglected myself all this time.

  Before this trip, every time I went on holiday I’d feel nervous and bad about missing work on the fifth day and I’d start calling every possible colleague to check whether the world hadn’t come to an end with me gone. This time I was shocked when the end of my holiday came without me knowing it. I needed more. I deserved more. I deserved a lot more and I was going to get it. I called in and extended my vacation for an unlimited period. In our dynamic and competitive field this was a true test for my bosses. A test as to whether, after all these years of dedication and one-hundred-percent engagement on my behalf, they would have the patience and wait for me, whether they wouldn’t be fed up and choose one of the professional working colleagues I had personally trained and made part of my team. This was also something of a test for myself. A test on which so many other decisions in my life depended.

  I was slightly surprised when my bosses were patient. They appreciated all my dedication throughout the years and allowed me to have as long a vacation as I needed, knowing that when I was ready to go back, I’d still have a place there at a vacant position waiting for me. They fully understood that I was a person who could easily and swiftly pick up on what had been missed and who would give all on not only achieving the previous level of success, but even outdo myself. They were smart enough to appreciate what I had given of myself all these years.

  I travelled to a lot of places. I took it all in. I tried all types of food, I bathed naked in seas, rivers, and oceans. I met interesting people. I really made up for all the time lost. I could indulge myself and that’s what I did. I’d sleep in tents and at the most luxurious hotels. I ate from plastic plates with bare hands and at the most expensive restaurants. I tried different sports and different arts. I really am a person of extremes. I did parachute jumps. I swam with dolphins. Even with sharks. I drove fast sports cars. And motorbikes. I even finished a helicopter-flying course. I had relationships with different men. Some of them were ready to give me everything and they could afford it. We visited islands on huge yachts, we rode jet-skis and had sex in different places. There were also men who had nothing, but wanted to show me everything. And I let them. We ventured through forests, climbed rocks, slept in tents, and watched the sunrise on secluded islands. This was their choice. They wanted their freedom first.

  I lived through so many things and let so many people close to me. But nobody, anywhere, could make me feel at home. More than a year passed by in aimless wandering from one place to another. I went to a lot of seminars and read a lot of books. I kept asking myself questions and found the answers. Then one day I knew I was ready. Ready to go back to reality. Strong enough to lay out the cards and decide on how to continue with my life. I was well aware I couldn’t live like that forever, that life had a much more profound meaning and I was yet to discover what my purpose was.

  More than a year later, I returned to the world I used to live in. The same world, but I was different. Yes, everything was as it used to be. Some of my friends were still close. They stayed by my side when I neglected them for my work, that’s why I wasn’t surprised when they welcomed me back after my getaway around the world. Others I just couldn’t get back together with. My family couldn’t believe how changed I was. Not only them. Nobody could have imagined. They said I came back a completely new person. And that was true. I was different. My views were different. My ambitions. My dreams. My goals were different.

  In getting to see numerous different worlds along my travels I realized the great pleasure drawing brings me. And writing. I had never even thought about how much I could express like that. That’s when something in me exploded. Stories, articles, tales for children, drawings, clothes models, building models, interior solutions… The more I immersed myself into the art world, the more interested I was and the more I could give of myself. Yet another extreme.

  When I got back home, I knew what I had to do with my life. I knew I wanted to find a balance. I knew it all depended on me and that the more I worked on that, the more I was going to get. One of the first things I d
id then was to go to my bosses and stated I was back and I’d love to work for them, but on very different terms. I knew what I wanted, and I knew that this would be a big thing for them to accept. It was interesting for me too, I was wondering how they would react and what their decision would be.

  In order to have balance in my life, I could no longer allow myself to work long hours. I wanted to have time all to myself, I wanted to continue my personal growth, because I knew it would last a lifetime. I didn’t want to give up on art either. Something kept pushing me in that direction and I had set a goal – find out which one of all the things I found out I could do brought me the most joy. In a long-term plan, I even wanted to begin my own business doing one of my current hobbies, because I sensed I might find my calling doing that. In the meantime, I knew so much in the hotel industry, I was capable of so much. I still needed a stable source of income. Nonetheless, I had no doubt that if my bosses rejected my offer I would not, under any circumstances, continue my old way of life just for the money.

  I was extremely sincere with them. I hid nothing. I asked for shorter working hours at whichever position they needed me, since I really could work anywhere, I asked for a huge salary, because I knew I deserved it and they knew very well what I was capable of doing in my work. And, last but not least, I told them about my plans on my future business. I wasn’t yet sure what it was going to be, but I suggested to them the role of investors. I was extremely confident. I had no doubt that the project was going to be successful.

  Their initial honest joy of seeing me again in Bulgaria, together with their willingness to accept me back immediately, was rapidly replaced by shock. Yes, that’s the word – shock. Complete and pure shock. They were successful men, well informed and with high self-esteem. Sure, I had proven myself to them and they respected me. Often their competition came to me, trying to take me away from them, but I was loyal. I was grateful too. All I knew and all I’d achieved at such a young age was due to the chance they gave me and to the people I worked with in their company. They noticed something about me and put their faith in me when I was just twenty years old. Young, intelligent, ambitious but with no experience whatsoever. They believed in me and gave me the strength and confidence to believe in myself. Sure, throughout the years I had proved myself and they really did respect me, but when I asked for all these things, they were shocked and speechless. They were ready to have me back at a higher and better-paid position, although I had stayed away from the business for a long time. Time, during which I didn’t even take an interest in what was going on in the industry. They said they hadn’t yet found anyone with all my capacities – organizational, managerial, artistic, with a sense of human communication, and a sense of esthetic beauty – and do all the things they had me do before. But all this? They definitely needed some time to think about it.