I could not stop thinking about what the girls had told me. It touched me deeply. I tried to distract myself with a walk in the park and was certain that, once I reached the park, I would find peace of mind. I loved to take long walks. And autumn additionally stimulated my senses. I loved to watch children play, to try to understand their world filled with wondrous imaginary heroes and countless victories. To watch them communicate with each other and their carefree state of mind, enjoying every single moment. The present-day. To listen to their laughter – so sincere, filled with pure joy. But this time even this could not help me. I was too stressed.
In fact, I was mostly shocked by the matter of moving abroad. I had considered several times whether I was able to live in a foreign land. I loved Bulgaria and everything Bulgarian so much! I had travelled to many different places across the world. I had seen different cultures, I had tasted different food, I had met people with different mindsets and ethnopsychologies. But I had always felt the greatest satisfaction returning back to Bulgaria. Where my roots were. I felt this strongly. Of course, there were different types of people, and many of my friends had become citizens of the world. This was how their lives spun, how society developed and how its mechanisms worked. More and more people work globally, communicate globally, live globally. They spend half of the year in one place, and the other half in another. They move with their entire families, or sometimes alone. These were the nomads of modern times, not belonging to a particular place, out of touch with their origins and not even feeling the mere need of belonging.
However, I felt completely differently from these people. I loved my motherland. I loved my fellow Bulgarians. I loved them with all their faults that were demonstrated over the years. I loved the Bulgarian traditions, Bulgarian nature, the Bulgarian ethnopsychology, the Bulgarian culture, Bulgarian holidays. I found support in them. I was proud of them. My choice had always been one and the same – to live in Bulgaria.
I had wondered what would happen if I fell in love with a foreigner. More frequently we come across such bilingual families. The world has no boundaries and people choose their companions not limited by the stereotypes of the past. I had wondered but I had always discarded such a possibility. Why, I asked myself? Because I was repulsed by the idea of deserting everything that I loved for something else that, probably… I would come to love too. This seemed like betrayal to me. Or lack of flexibility, if you wish, but on the other hand, it could be seen as loyalty. To my origins.
I wandered freely as a cloud and could not stop ruminating on such thoughts. The thing that annoyed me the most was that I had started to consider a relationship with Phillip in the future only recently, and already the girls had managed to shift the emphasis from the present moment to a period that seemed too far away. A remote possibility, yet the focus was on that. Women are like that. Forward-looking. One minute we are carried on the crest of positive emotions, everyone’s envy, and the very next we feel sorry for ourselves because of things that might never occur. Why is that? I don’t think men have this problem. They live in the here and now, unlike us. We are scattered. We expend our energy on things that might never happen. On problems that might never arise. And not only that, after wasting our energy on finding a solution to a given problem, we do not stop there, but come up with Plan B, Plan C. This is absurd! Our way of thinking is absurd. Our way of creating fears, only based on some innocent assumptions, is absurd. But there I was, sitting for hours in the park, staring into empty space and reflecting on the different ways my life would develop if I decided to leave everything behind. The life that I had just started living the way I had always wanted. To leave it behind because of a man. In the name of love. Did I have the right? Did I have the right to betray everything that I had been fighting for? Wasn’t this a betrayal of myself?
My mind was in turmoil, yet time passed. Suddenly, I realized that the rays of the wonderful autumn-winter sun were no longer as warm as the time when I had sat down on the bench in the park; that the children playing had gone. I had no awareness of time, and it was obvious that I would not find a way out of this puzzle that I had entered. I decided it was time to go home.
While I was walking towards my flat, I asked myself why I was looking only at options in which I had to leave Bulgaria. But the moment this question popped into my mind I felt strongly that Phillip was not one of those persons who would allow someone to force something on him. Indeed, he had been brought up to pay the necessary respect to women; he had been brought up to take into consideration the wishes and needs of the woman he loved, yet he was strong-willed enough not to make a compromise with anything that was against his own wishes. Yes, he was one of those men that would place the world at the feet of the women they adored. But nonetheless she had to follow the ideas of the man in the important choices in their mutual life.
He could have been one of those men. But I was one of those women that came first. Numerous times I had made the mistake of allowing something or someone else to come first. And each time I had turned out to be wrong. Again, and again, and again. At least I had managed to learn my lesson. I knew how important it was to listen to oneself and one’s desires. More importantly, it was not to allow anyone to take decisions about your own life, especially when they do not correspond to your instinctive inner wishes. Therefore, regardless of whether I would have a future with Phillip or not, I finally understood that I had to raise this question. We had to discuss our positions right now because, honestly, if we could not find a mutual solution, it was better to break up immediately. The more we lingered in this position, the more difficult it would be for me consequently when, putting myself first, I would have to say “goodbye” to him. And I was certain that I would choose myself!
The more I thought about this, the more assured I felt that I had to bring up this topic immediately. I wanted to end this dilemma as soon as possible. Regardless of the outcome. I never was a coward. Just the opposite, when facing a challenge in my life that needed the display of courage, I had always been able to concentrate the most and charge towards it. With confidence. With all my strength. With the desire to win. I had always abided by the rule: ‘Better to have tried and failed than spend the rest of my life regretting that I had not tried at all.’ I was not going to give up now. Once I had reached this conclusion, now it was time to raise the question and express my standpoint. Regardless of the fact that we were just at the start of our relationship. Regardless of how Phillip would react to my fierceness. Regardless of whether he would be scared that I was taking our relationship too seriously. Regardless of the fact that he had most probably not been in a serious relationship up to now. Regardless of how this topic might scare him and make him run away. He and his reaction were not important. I was of importance and I had to feel calm and secure. And if this situation could scare him and make him leave, better do it now, as there was no point in wasting our time if sooner or later we would end up there.
I had a goal. I had found a solution to the problem that my friends and I had come up with. And I had intent of purpose because every time I had a goal, I felt strong, confident, in control. Yet another mistake towards which I was rushing unwittingly. Yet another mistake, because I had forgotten that there was no place for control in unconditional love. Unconditional love was founded on mutual trust. Confidence in the person next to you. Belief in your future together. Faith that everything would be good without the need to push things unduly. However, I had totally forgotten this simple truth in this moment of blind escape from my illusionary problem. I had forgotten it, heaped under a thousand fears that instantaneously had sprung up in hoards from the deep. Fear had enveloped everything, dimmed my senses and led me on the wrong path, not realizing that this was not the right time at all, that it was not the very path I should take at all. I had chosen to attack, even to discard or throw away everything and do all this just for the sake of eliminating the perspective of being rejected later on, of being hurt.
Chapter 15
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Shock was a very mild and elegant way to describe the state I was in. Perhaps a panic attack was more fitting, yet still not to the point. It’s funny, how sometimes we are convinced that we can take a particular action, regardless of the consequences that will ensue. And after actually taking it, we are terrified by our action. This was exactly how I felt. I was in shock. I was terrified. I had a panic attack. I wanted to turn back time. And why was that? Because I felt that I had done something irreparable.
I was burning up and I was aching all over. I was in great pain.
When I went back home after the afternoon walk in the park, I was convinced that I should settle things with Phillip as soon as possible about how our relationship would develop if things became serious and we decided to move in together. At the time this seemed like a mandatory action I should take in order to continue with my normal life. And now…now when the conversation was over, and the outcome was surprisingly negative for me, I had the feeling that it was my biggest mistake.
After the walk in the park I was impatient to call Phillip and invite him to dinner at my place. I was eager to bring up the issue and to see his reaction. I was trying to convince myself that, even if things developed badly, I would be much more relaxed. Better to know his relentlessness now than to learn about it after investing more in this relationship. Anyhow, I was absolutely convinced that what we had was indestructible and that the outcome would be positive. And, together, Phillip and I would manage to reach a compromise. And it would be that sort of compromise that was a win-win situation for both.
Yeah, but it didn’t work out that way. The instant I saw Phillip at the entrance to my flat I felt that something was amiss. And all my senses yelled: ‘Be patient! Wait! Don’t be in a rush!’ I asked him if everything was OK and he answered affirmatively. But inside I felt that it wasn’t so. Almost the entire evening he behaved strangely and was jumpy. For sure he was irritated. We talked, but as if he wasn’t present. His thoughts were far, far away. Very far away indeed. It was as if this fact made me even more eager to act. I sensed that I was losing him and that made me stick even more strongly to my silly ideas of controlling and ordering the future. I could no longer keep quiet and I brought up the issue. And not in the way that I had imagined it – gradually, in a light and unpremeditated conversation. I posed it directly, nagging, stubbornly. Now when I look back in time at the facts, I could hardly believe how harsh I had been with the person whom I had told just a few days before that I loved him. I was pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at him. My reaction was off but his was not so good either.
The instant I brought up the issue it was as if he had been waiting for this moment, and I saw him react in this way for the first time. He looked at me intensely, but there was no passion, no love, not even interest in it this time. There was only emptiness. There was only disappointment. There was pain. He didn’t say much but it was more than enough. He had done everything he could to give this relationship a chance. He felt happy, but perhaps I was right. Perhaps indeed we didn’t have a future together. Also, he was tired of fighting me all the time. Battling with my fears. He had not expected such impatience from me. We were just at the beginning of our relationship and already I was talking about living together and moving in, which was totally absurd. He was perfectly clear that I was doing all this with the intention of convincing myself that I had to put an end to this relationship so that I would not be hurt. But, upon considering it, maybe it was a good thing after all. His work was of great importance to him and even these long and frequent absences took their toll and had a bad influence on his business and he was tired of flying between two continents…
I sat in silence. I could not believe what I was hearing. I refused to look him in the eyes. I did not have the strength. He got up. Came to me and kissed me on the forehead. A strong, long kiss heavy with so many unspoken things. I was burning up. I think he was too. Nonetheless, he turned around, put on his shoes and left. Without saying a word. I burst into tears the moment I heard the door slamming. Loud and strong. I pulled my legs towards my chest, clasped my arms around them, buried my head in my knees and cried. I cried long and hard. I needed to cry out my pain. And it was immense.
Chapter 16
I didn’t know why I didn’t stop him. I didn’t know why things were this way. Even before I had brought up the issue I already knew that the moment was not right and that this was not the way. Despite it, something inside made me do it. I was scared that his irritation, evident from the very start of the evening, would be followed by some kind of rejection. He would end up rejecting me. I was horrified. This very fear of being rejected proved to be stronger than my common sense and my intuition, which whispered in my ear at the time: ‘Wait! Be patient!’ But I just had to do it! I had decided that before being rejected by him I should be the one to impose the conditions. And, if necessary, I would be the one to reject. And was wrong.
I made a mistake! It was a mistake that I rushed in. It was a mistake that I did not show support for him right then, seeing that something was going on with him. Whatever the reason for his irritation, I was wrong that I did not listen to him and did not try to understand him. I was so caught up in my idea and acted without looking at the particular circumstances. I wanted to explain to him, I wanted to apologize and to tell him that I was wrong, but I did not have the courage. I was feeling terribly insecure.
In the end, I decided that it was better that we had a break from each other for a few days. We needed some time to bring down the pitch of our emotions and to look at the situation from a more objective angle. As hard as it was for me, I tried to divert my thoughts into a different direction, to calm my mind, because I kept on playing over and over again the same situation and trying to shake it off.
Four days passed, during which I tried not to think about all this, and on the fifth I decided to sit down and write him an email. I couldn’t say why I didn’t call him but, somehow, I wanted to tell him everything that I felt and decided that writing was a better way than talking. Apart from this, he could understand my meaning more profoundly when it was in writing. When we listen, it is most difficult not to react spontaneously, and very often we do not hear what the other person is saying, focused on how to respond.
The moment I was face to face with my computer I started pouring out an ocean of words. I kept on writing and couldn’t stop. I wrote so many things, some even new to me. I was surprised to find out that it was so difficult to admit even to myself how I felt. What I desired. The instant I started writing without brooding over what I should say, what was expected of me, I realized what Phillip meant to me. I wrote how much he had changed my life. How much he had changed me. How I had allowed him into my heart and this no longer scared me, but I felt good about it because I believed he belonged there. I had the conviction that we belonged to each other, but not bound by conditions and dependencies but in a pure, sincere, unobtrusive way, in which we were ready to give just as much as the other person was willing to take. And vice versa.
Right then I realized that I was ready for this relationship and ready to give Phillip the best of myself, without prejudice, without masks. Right then I fully understood how petty it was to argue about where we would live and what we would do. Don’t get me wrong. I truly believe that, first and foremost, a person should have a full-fledged character in order to be part of a full-fledged relationship. And in order to become one you should have your own goals, different from your partner’s, your own vocation, your own dreams. But at the same time, I heard a loud voice in my mind telling me that my life had developed in this way not unintentionally, that I had met Phillip for a purpose, at a time when my life was settled, and I was somewhat independent. I was chasing my dreams, consciously at that. Thanks to the independence that I had won over the years I could afford to do the work I enjoyed. And I was sure that I would find the best way to follow my plan, even if I had to make certain corrections. In the end, we lived in a dynamic and open wo
rld, and managing our business from a distance was not such a big deal and a novelty or difficulty. I didn’t want to allow my bigotry to separate me from my love that could prove to be the One.
Indeed, right then I realized how much I cared for Phillip. And I was sure – I knew that he felt the same way for me too. I was ready to atone for my mistake, I was ready to apologize, I was ready to show him that I had erred, and that being with him was the most important thing. We could settle all the rest as we pleased, as long as we were together, anytime, anywhere.
I was angry at myself for allowing my friends to make the inception of this thought in my mind possible. I knew that it was for my own good. I knew that they all loved me dearly, and all the things they did or said came from pure impulses and were not the fruit of jealousy or avarice. But the truth was that when you love someone you want to protect them from mistakes and you start thinking about the scariest outcomes for each situation, under the pretense of finding preventive measures. But there are no preventive measures when you are in love. Looking at a given situation from the point of view of an observer, it is impossible to comprehend the fundamentals of the story and you make assessments guided by your own previous models, either right or wrong. Very often the advice is absolutely ineffectual.
I Choose You, Love Page 12