I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  I rarely allowed myself to think of her. I had enough experience in distracting my attention from unwanted topics and directing it elsewhere. I don’t like to scatter time and energy in futile efforts. People tend to have that habit. All around, we are encircled by intentionally created distractions that grab our attention. Well, in order to learn not to make these mistakes, I have developed strong self-discipline. I am used to taming my mind and directing it towards the desired course.

  This was exactly what I did in Bulgaria too, just before leaving. The wounds from this decision were still bleeding. Wounds that I myself kept open. I still felt the pain from the choice I had to make. Once again, I “had to do it”. Yes! Had to is the correct verb, because I wanted nothing else but to leave the woman I was so dazzled by. But I had to do it.

  Never until that moment had I experienced anything like it. With no other woman. And it’s not that I don’t have the experience. I’ve been with all sorts of women. I had been searching for the thing my parents had between them for so long and, with this goal in my youthful head… I don’t even want to remember how many women I’ve been with. I am not proud of it but it’s a fact. Even when I met Dana, our experiences and everything we went through, nothing could compare to the feelings I had towards Megan. While looking at her, while listening to her, while touching her, kissing her, hugging her. The very first moment when I saw her, I felt a surprisingly strong attraction. She was so sexy and innocently sweet at the same time. A very rare combination. In general, when I wanted to get to know a woman, I behaved like a gentleman. I had a wide set of tricks up my sleeve how to draw her attention in a positive way. But the moment I approached Megan, everything carnal in me came alive. I wanted to provoke her, I wanted to see her reaction. I didn’t even think for a second that my arrogant behavior during this initial moment could have repulsed and irritated her to such an extent as to reject me. This seemed impossible to me. There was energy between us, attraction, sex. It was impossible to be rejected by her and I was sure of it. The moment I saw her, I knew that I would have her. And I charged forward.

  I can’t explain why, but during our first meeting I attempted to provoke her by saying I was with my girlfriend on Daniel’s birthday. It was so spontaneous. I wanted to see her reaction, the look on her face. I wanted to explore her completely tonight, this very instant. To learn everything about her, to get to know her. Immediately, I was certain that this woman was interesting. I liked the way she got upset when I told her that I was busy. I liked her confusion when I provoked her. I liked her counterstrike a few seconds later. I gathered information about her the very next day. I was constantly thinking of her, her radiance, her smile. I couldn’t stop myself imagining her next to me. On top of me. I wanted her, desperately. But this girl did not awake only sexual desire in me. She attracted and fascinated me in every possible aspect.

  I didn’t have many friends and acquaintances in Bulgaria but, luckily, I had Daniel, my best friend. He was unconditionally trustful and at the same time he was her best friend, too. He cared for her so much that even once or twice there was a hint of jealousy. But consequently, when I got to know her and witnessed the way people opened up to her unreservedly, I realized that I had a great deal to learn from this girl.

  Almost instantly, Daniel told me nearly everything about her life. Yes, Megan was an interesting woman. I knew this even before checking her Facebook profile. And after that, I was practically convinced that we were totally made for each other.

  But the truth was that I was most impressed by the launching of her fashion line. Upon realizing what was in store and the enormous amount of responsibility that she had borne for the show, apart from personal interest I also experienced professional interest, owing to the opening of the hotel at hand. I had singlehandedly organized not one or two events. I had attended not just one or two events. Even in the USA, at that, the land of unlimited potentials. I had been in the hotel business for a long time and was up-to-date with the business in Bulgaria. Even as a kid, I knew that one day I would go back and start my own business there. I loved Bulgaria and worked in order to go back some day. When the opportunity to expand my activity in Europe arose, I knew that I would start from Bulgaria, even if I didn’t intend to settle down there permanently.

  We conducted a great deal of research about the European market, particularly the Eastern European and the Bulgarian markets, before deciding to travel back to Bulgaria. Although there were some interesting examples, frankly speaking, initially I didn’t expect anything sensational from Megan’s event. I was mistaken. The show was fantastic. World class. The whole concept was a unique experience, superbly and professionally executed. It was then that I realized what I was getting into. Megan was not only devilishly sexy, but a woman with great potential, intelligent and talented. I was more than overwhelmed.

  But when I saw her the second time… Right there, during the show I realized that I was already in love. I realized that I could experience a great deal with this woman. She was interesting and different. She was sexy. She emanated energy and lit up everything around her. I was not alone in this feeling. I saw how the other men in the hall looked at her, they could not keep their eyes away from her twirling body as she passed them by. This drove me insane. I wanted her for myself alone. And I wanted everyone to know that she was mine. I was driven towards her and nothing could stop me. I wanted her right there, right now. I wanted to tear her apart. I wanted to tame her. And just then she decided to be so arrogantly sexy. She had gathered confidence and openly provoked me. This confused me even more. But nothing could stop me…apart from a dozen overhead lights that shone right on her and the intense gaze of hundreds of people. Honestly, my brain was out at that moment and I was contemplating grabbing her and abducting her from her own show. Right at the time when everyone expected her on the stage. Come to think of it, it would have been an excellent marketing move. The media would have been even more intrigued. But she recovered in no time and escaped my grasp. My sweet Maggy.

  I didn’t have the opportunity to look for her after the event. I had to go back to America, after all my business was there. But I felt this woman so strongly under my skin that I started thinking about restructuring my company. This would have given me greater freedom, also a chance to move. As it were, I still had commitments in America. And as much as I wanted to see her right away, this very instant, I could not neglect my business completely. Life had taught me that patience was a virtue. So, I acted responsibly and went back to America for a while but with the clear idea that when the opportunity arose, I would return to Bulgaria once again and get to know that girl.

  Then this thing happened that overturned my life, although at the time I did not realize it. I went back to America for a couple of weeks. I was focused on a great many tasks. It was working for me. I was very efficient, owing to the motivation. Right at the time when I booked my ticket to Bulgaria, Dana called and said that she wanted to see me. I was not at all impressed by her call; I was obsessed by Megan. I agreed to meet her, as I had not seen her for a while, and because I felt that she wanted to ask me for a favor.

  She invited me to the restaurant of the hotel we used to visit regularly when we were still a couple. It was nice and cozy, but at the same time – intimate. But even this did not make me think. We started talking, at the beginning general stuff, we opened a bottle of wine, then a second one, a third. We started recalling old memories, jokes and shared moments. The evening was pleasant. I needed the distraction because during the past few weeks I had hardly left the office in order to finish all the work. I felt Dana as a close, old friend and I was relaxed and did not notice time pass and that the restaurant was about to close. I asked for the check and she invited me to the room she had reserved in the hotel, although she lived in the same city. To continue the pleasant conversation, she said. I was already tipsy and overlooked the fact that she had booked a room in the same hotel in advance. I agreed, we went up to her room and then events t
ook such a turn that the next morning I woke up in her bed. I don’t know how much alcohol we had drunk the previous night. I don’t claim that I don’t remember what happened. But the truth was, I was so drunk and unable to trigger all my defenses, as was usually the case under similar circumstances. Dana is a beautiful and sexy woman. And every man in my place would have done exactly the same – you could not say “no” when she was so insistent. But the truth was, that at this point in my life I was not prepared for that turn of events. I was so fascinated by Megan and so eagerly wanted to be with her, to touch her, to be inside her. If I hadn’t drunk so much wine, I would never have allowed the evening to develop in that manner.

  In the morning, Dana acted as if we were together again, but I was far from this notion. I didn’t want to deceive her and give her false hopes, I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. I wondered whether it would not be best to behave as if nothing had happened and continue as before. After all, we had a history together and now we were close friends, so I decided that the best option was to be frank. I brought up the topic almost immediately after getting out of bed. I shall never forget the look on her face. Of a small animal in pain. After telling her that the previous night was a mistake and that I had not changed my mind that there was nothing between us anymore and the best we could hope for was to be friends, total silence followed for the next few seconds. As if she was frozen. For sure, she didn’t expect such a reaction. Obviously, she had interpreted my behavior from the previous night differently and I was greatly to blame for this. Then she started crying with load, violent sobs. She pushed her hands close to her body and fell to the floor. I was in shock. This morning waking up next to her, I didn’t imagine that such strong feelings of hope for a reunion had been awoken. Even more so, we had been apart for such a long time and on several occasions, we had agreed that this was the wisest decision for us and how nice it was to be friends now. I couldn’t remember what we had talked about the previous night. But whatever it was, it was impossible to fall into such a delusion after such a short period of time and so much alcohol!

  Once again, I was convinced that women and men are entirely different beings. As though we were made in such a way as to confuse each other. The only solution open to me to have harmony was to stop looking, judging, evaluating each other from our own point of view and experience and to stop making assumptions. For sure, these were the gravest mistakes of both men and women.

  My point of view at the time? We had spent a pleasant evening together. We had drunk a great deal of alcohol. We stayed together during the night and the sex was great. What the hell, what if we were intoxicated! Just sex – it didn’t mean anything to either of us, two ex-lovers who knew each other’s bodies perfectly.

  Well, it seemed that her point of view was completely different. Dana had invited me in order to attempt to win me back. I understood this much later. She had invited me to tell me that her marriage was a nightmare; she had been feeling like a prisoner for years. Finally, she had decided to leave her husband and to look for happiness elsewhere. For sure, this decision was provoked by the fact that her husband was having yet another affair. However, this time the mistress was more arrogant than usual and openly paraded their relationship. This was the stone that upset the apple cart for Dana. She had endured so many plights in her marriage, for years she received nothing but pain from her husband. She knew that he deceived her in hundreds of ways with hundreds of women, but at least he had the decency to preserve her dignity and to be discreet about it. She had been willing to stay in this marriage for years, even at the time when we had magical moments together. Even when I was trying to convince her to leave him. When I offered her marriage, a family. But no! She was adamant in her conviction that marriage was a sanctified institution and should not be breached even if there were no feelings left. But this time her husband had decided something completely different. At this point the hollow foundations of Dana’s marriage cracked and her illusions were about to come crashing down any minute now. At this point she felt ready to run in order to save herself. Or more likely, she was ready to be saved by the only person who once offered her true love – me. I remember how surprised and devastated Dana felt when she found out that once upon a time I was ready to traverse the earth in order to have her, to make her my wife, but now that feeling had gone. Dana was an intelligent woman, but often she preferred to hide behind her innocence. I was certain that deep down she was perfectly aware of my feelings which had transformed into respect and friendship. But despite that, she had preferred to reinforce the conviction that the only reason why I had given up on our relationship was her decision to stay with her husband. This was what she had decided and now, when she was ready to put an end to her marriage, there were no more barriers between us. She truly believed that our love could be revived from the ashes of the past numerous instances when she defended hollow, senseless principles. Principles inbred from her family, from society, and from an inheritance of a false value system.

  When she came to know my position, Dana was crushed. I shall never forget her face when I left. I didn’t want to leave her alone at such a moment, but I knew that Dana was not my responsibility and that she had to decide whether to stand strong on her feet again or to remain overpowered. I was sincere with her. This was my responsibility. I told her how I felt. The only thing I didn’t tell her was that I wanted to continue my life with another woman. I didn’t think it mattered. But I didn’t save her any truth about what I felt towards her, which was nothing else but pure friendship. I even tried to explain to her that even if things did not work out between us, it didn’t mean that she had to stay with her husband… That she had to leave him anyhow and finally get a grip of her life. But she totally refused to see this option. I was not surprised. In her life, Dana had never been alone before. She had been transferred from her father’s hands to her husband and had never been in control of her own life. She was taught to comply and strongly believed that the responsibility for her life was not hers. Now when I look back, I think that Dana did not feel love towards me. The love that both of us felt at the beginning. What she was looking for was salvation. She was looking for a haven, away from the ruins of her own marriage, the ruins of her life.

  I left with the conviction that I was not the man who had to take care of Dana. I went away and was sure that I would not see her for a very long time. I knew that I would not look for her because the wounds from my rejection were still very fresh. But I was so greatly mistaken.

  Chapter 29

  The sun was low and was about to hide behind the trees any minute now. It was already getting cold, but I had no desire to go back home. Somehow, I was getting closer to Megan once again…in my dreams. I had forbidden myself to think about her at all since I had gone back to America. I had the impossible task of living a life in which she did not exist. Often, I had asked myself why I wasn’t more honest with her. At least I should have told her what happened in my life that overturned its foundations. Whether I should have said goodbye, or at least tried to explain to her why I made this choice and why it was important for me. But I could not find the strength at the time. I could not even say how I found the will to leave her. I think that I would not have been able to do so if I’d had to face her in person and bid her farewell. Therefore, I preferred to hide behind the idea that everything I felt and even Megan herself, was not real but a beautiful dream.

  Numerous times I had wondered how she was doing. Had she forgotten me already or maybe she had bought a ticket to America to hunt me down and kill me? This would have been more like her. Megan was a woman that made things happen and did not wait on chance. But my action did not even deserve a trip to America, even if it was for the purpose of revenge. I had made her open up to me, to admit that she was in love with me and after that I had run away like a coward. I didn’t even have the courage to tell Daniel how I behaved towards Megan. After the decision to put an end to our relationship, I went to him and told him that I ha
d to leave for America urgently, owing to pressing affairs and that the project in Bulgaria had been cancelled. I vouched that he would receive handsome compensation. This was the least I could do for him, bearing in mind that he had left his job in order to work on the project. I could not bring myself to do more. I did not tell him why I was deserting Megan. After that I heard from him on several occasions, but he didn’t ask me anything. Nor did I bring up the topic. On the contrary, I said that I was busy and that I had many problems and had not thought over the deal in advance and now it had turned out to be quite perilous for me. And that I was absorbed by it now. I had no idea what Megan had decided to share with him either, but I was truly thankful to Daniel that he was neutral in this situation. He did not raise the topic not even once, seeing that I myself evaded it.

  More than once I had asked myself what would happen if I decided to go back to Bulgaria. I loved Bulgaria so much! I sincerely wanted to be able to go back one day. I had imagined strongly that one day I would acquaint my children with the proud history and culture of the Bulgarian people. But now such thoughts caused me great pain. How was I to go back when everything connected with Bulgaria reminded me of Megan? How was I to go back without her knowing, without our paths crossing accidentally someday? Was Daniel not our mutual best friend? How was I to go back to see that she had continued with her life with another man, that she had a family of her own? I just wanted to throw myself into the lake. To drill a hole into the already melting ice and to jump in with a weight wrapped around my feet. The very thought of Megan with another man made me crazy. And seeing her without a man made me even crazier.