I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  I began remembering all the moments we had together for the short time we were as one. She was so different then. I was surprised every time. She was unpredictable, and I liked it. It drove me crazy. At times she was charming and sweet, at others she was like a frightened little animal and I risked seeing her flee; the very next time she was a sexy goddess, just waiting to learn my deepest desire to gratify it in the dirtiest possible way. My god, what a woman! She was sexy and sweet, caressing and caring. She was smart and provocative, ambitious and super successful. All the time, I had been surprised by her many talents. And she managed to combine them and use them so well. Megan was everything I had ever wanted in a woman. And somewhat unwittingly for both of us, she had reached deep inside of me, without even wanting it. I remember when we were in the countryside near the lake and I felt so at ease telling her about my parents, the memories of my father. I had never shared them with anyone else, not even Dana, not even my grandma. The memories just gushed out of me without a hint of hesitation that I would share something very personal with someone I had just met. Just the opposite, I had the feeling that I had known this girl for ages. This was the very first time she relaxed. It happened so easily and quickly for both of us. Although it was much easier and more natural for me. I knew that she was made for me and I was ready to do everything to have her. What about her? She had her moods that drove me crazy. I admit that more than once I felt truly afraid that this woman was mad and could put an end to something so good that we had going on between us owing to fear or some other stupid notion. But she was a strong woman at the same time and there were moments when I was sincerely worried that she was capable of feeling deep conviction and execution. Like that first incident with Daniel. We were just beginning to bond and suddenly – bam. She disappeared. Yes, I did feel like a schoolboy with this girl. She elevated me to the sky in a glimpse of a second and the very next instant she was ready to throw me back to earth with the force of a shooting star. And she did it with ease. She had such an enormous influence over me, yet I was convinced that she was unaware of her powers. She was totally oblivious. She simply acted in accordance with her own feelings, desires and concerns. And she reacted on the spur of the moment and was honest about it. Even in her escape from me.

  I was so strongly convinced that Megan was the woman that would stand by me, that I was ready to come face to face with her demons, right to the end. And this was exactly what happened. Like in a fairy-tale. One day she decided to open up to me, she chose not to look in fear but to toss it aside and to put her trust in me. She chose to let me in. Then for the first time in my life I realized what my parents felt towards each other. I saw it in everything I was prepared to do for her. I saw it in the way in which she changed me. I saw it when she was physically away from me but even then, my entire being was focused on her. I saw it in her eyes and the way I saw my reflection in them. I saw it in the way she touched me and how it made me feel. I even saw it while she was sleeping. Her very presence next to me in bed, not even snuggled close to me, but at the other end, made me feel the king of the world. This woman was transforming me into the best I could be, and I felt I could conquer the universe with her right next to me. And without her…? Without her I simply would not exist. Without her I was just an empty shell. Precisely the way I was feeling right now.

  The night was falling, my hands were totally frozen. There was not a single soul in the park. The time to go home had passed. I could not remember how many hours I had spent in the park. I didn’t care. The normal passing of time had ceased for me long ago. I ran to my grandma’s house to keep warm. But deep inside, I wanted to run right in the opposite direction. Away from this house. Away from this life.

  Chapter 30

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m OK.’

  Silence. Both of us were gazing at the flames in the fireplace. I loved these moments of silence, listening only to the crackling sound of the burning wood. Watching the different dances of the flames. Feeling the warmth of the fire. Without blinking. How captivating these moments were! And there, once again my thoughts drifted away in a single direction. The same one which occupied my mind the entire day. Megan. Megan. Megan.

  ‘How are you?’ Grandma tried to bring me back from the trance again but this time more successfully. I felt the insistence in her voice.

  ‘I’m OK, Grandma. I told you. Everything’s fine. Work.’

  ‘You know that you’ve never been good at lying. I know you too well. I’ve noticed the change in the past month. And as much as your mind tries to deceive me that this is a normal male reaction to the forthcoming birth of the baby, your heart tells me differently. There’s something unusual, much deeper.’

  I didn’t know what to answer. I had no intention of lying to her. I was tired of lying to myself too. Every single day. I was tired of everyone’s lies. I was tired of pretending that the choice I had made was right. I was tired of pretending that I was overburdened with work. I was tired of living this life I had chosen for myself, and which I had to live for countless years. I buried my face in my fists. I felt so tired.

  ‘You don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t feel like it. It’s important that you know the reason why you’re feeling this way and that you are able to mend it, to change the circumstance or if you cannot, to find a different solution. Bear in mind that everything happens in life for a reason. And that everything depends on your mindset. I don’t know what has been worrying you so much lately, but I’ve always thought that you’re ready to become a father and when the baby comes, you will react differently.’

  ‘I’m happy about the baby. Very happy. Just… I’m tired.’

  ‘I don’t know how things changed for you, Phillip. Frankly speaking I was surprised by you and Dana, never expected such a turn of events. Of course, I’m happy that I’ll be a great grandma, but…’ she stopped, and I could see she was struggling for words. She wanted to tell me more but didn’t know how.

  ‘But what?’

  ‘When your mother told me she was pregnant with you, I was even more shocked. I was still young and unexperienced. I thought that I could control things. I had not come to embrace the wisdom that control over everything around us is a lie. It evades us. At the time I was experiencing such shock that I allowed my ego and your mother’s choice, which totally contradicted my plans for her, to stand between us. It sounds stupid today but that was how I felt at the time. Scorned. I was so engulfed by my plans for her, the efforts I had exerted, that I took her choice as a rejection of myself. Let alone, her choice was related to her love towards someone else. I was jealous, angry, fearful that her life would continue somewhere else, far away from me. I was not prepared for it. I was not prepared to be left alone and to look in the direction of myself. Nothing could convince me of the opposite. I took a judgmental position. I accused her of stupidity, naivety, of being too young. I accused your father of being obsessed with her. I blamed Destiny. I blamed everything and everyone. The more I saw her decisiveness, her purposefulness, the steadfastness of her decision to protect her love, the more I was enraged.’

  ‘Why do you keep going back to this, Grandma? We’ve talked about it many times. It’s high time you forgave yourself.’

  ‘I have forgiven myself. I realized my mistake a long time ago and now I don’t feel guilty. What I want to say is that I often see her gaze in your eyes. Her determination. Her clarity of purpose and conviction of desires and disinclinations. You think you take after your father. Indeed, you carry many of his features but in this respect, you are a perfect copy of your mother. She always knew what she wanted in her personal life. She believed so deeply in her dreams that she attained them with such ease and speed. You and I have talked many times about what you want in your personal life, the same relations that your parents had, but your mother never had such an example before her. Your grandpa and I were far from ideal partners. Regardless, she carried this vision inside of her. She felt it and attracted the gr
eatest love in her life – your father and later you…’ she was silent, staring at the fire.

  I didn’t know what to say. I was taken by surprise by this conversation about my parents, which came out of nowhere. It seemed it was a day for remembrances for all of us.

  ‘I have always known what you were striving towards in your personal life. And I was sure that you would achieve it. You have always achieved what you want. I have never seen you waste time and energy on hopeless causes. Everything you do, you do for a purpose. But I consider it a mistake that I did not teach you to be responsible only to a certain point. Taking responsibility for your actions, for your life in general, is a quality that today’s youth does not possess. But you have it in abundance.’

  ‘I see where you’re going with this, Grandma.’

  ‘Just hear me out. I beg you, do not interrupt me. I might be an old, senile woman but I never did share my fears with your mother and I regretted it for the rest of my life. I shall not make the same mistake with you. I know you’re a smart boy and that you don’t appreciate the advice and opinions of others. But I also know that sometimes you burden yourself too much. I never understood what happened with you in the past few months, because your moods changed like a teenager’s. But I know that there was the same look in your eyes your mother had when she met your father. And the very next moment this look disappeared as if buried by some force deep down. What I want to tell you, Phillip, is that the world has changed immensely in the past few years and you know that better than me. And I’m not talking about technological innovations but people’s mindsets. Don’t forget that there is nothing unfixable in life apart from death. But even beyond death there is something else, I’m sure of it, but we need patience. But in order to live life to the fullest and in the most meaningful way, the choices we make should be borne out of love and not fear, anger, guilt or duty. Everything happens for a reason. Only if we could be more observant and learn from our mistakes, and not only ours, but the mistakes of our closest ones… Then many of our problems could have been solved.’ Grandma patted me on my shoulder and stood up to leave the room. This was a clear sign that she didn’t expect an answer and even preferred that I kept quiet. The only thing she told me was that she loved me and believed in me. And she went upstairs to the second floor.

  I was left alone with my thoughts. And my head was like a beehive. I could not concentrate. The whole of Grandma’s speech was a provocation. But what was she telling me? That I was making my decision not drawn by love but by guilt or anger, just like her. Bullshit! I was so beyond such feelings. More so, I felt helpless and I didn’t care. Maybe I felt a little bit angry but solely towards myself, because I turned my life upside down, at a time when everything was beginning to get settled. This word again – “I must”, “must”, “must”. This is how my day started with a provocation from Dana and this is how it ended, with a similar provocation from my grandma. Had they been talking to each other or was my disinclination towards the way I MUST live my life so obvious that it made it so difficult for the people around me? Dana had said that she ‘wasn’t ready to live like that, to say “I must”, the choices we make are ours and the responsibly too’. Dana was right. Now I understood what my grandma had in mind, saying that we should learn from the mistakes of others. She wasn’t talking 100% about herself and the choices she had made out of anger. More likely, the choice she was referring to that was not made out of love was made out of duty. Right in the bullseye!

  Chapter 31

  I shall never forget the way I felt when Dana told me about the baby. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. This was the second time when I had been back to America after meeting Megan. I didn’t want to go back at all, because things were developing wonderfully with her. Honestly, I knew I loved her the moment I set eyes on her. I didn’t tell her, because I was afraid I might scare her, especially after the trick she pulled on me with Daniel. In fact, this was the first time I realized how frightened she was. I saw her for the first time as vulnerable and defenseless, but at the same time determined. Yes, Megan was a woman that could live through any situation and this very behavior was the proof. If she thought it was not worth the risk she might have decided not to attempt anything, even if she liked me. We were just getting to bond, and she was slowly letting me get close to her, and I loved her company so much. And suddenly she disappeared. I don’t want to sound smug, but this was the first time I had been snubbed by a woman. With the exception of Dana, but she had other reasons. I couldn’t imagine how things would have developed if Daniel had not accidentally spilled the beans about their conversation. Then I understood. I put two and two together and immediately went to find her. I wasn’t sure at the time whether I was more scared of not being able to convince her that it was OK to let someone close to you, or I was angrier that she had run away from me in this way, without saying a word. Who was I to blame her, owing to what I did later on?

  And then when I found her at his place… Later we both laughed a lot about how she opened the door at all, so quickly at that. But fate knows its business. It just happened. Not that a closed door would have stopped me from getting to her. I remember that I was so wound up and I would have broken down the door without even thinking. Then I saw her in that loose man’s shirt with threads in her hair. My sweet little Megan. I just did what my heart told me to do. Without thinking. My feelings were so strong and I simply switched off my mind and the only thing that I wanted was to have her. The sex was even better than I had expected. Getting better each time. I could never get tired of her. And here, now, I don’t think that I would be able to forget that sensation ever… how it felt to be inside of her.

  A week of pleasure passed and then I had to go back to America. It was then that Dana got in contact with me again. Initially I tried to put her off. I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. It was less than a month since our last meeting. Remembering her expectations at the time, I didn’t think that she was able to put aside everything so easily and would want to be just friends again. Also, I was so enthralled in my feelings for Megan that I didn’t care for anything else. I didn’t want to put time and energy into futile explanations. However, she was very serious and told me it was something really important, I couldn’t say no to her. I might not have any feelings towards this woman anymore, but I had a past with her and it was my duty to hear her out.

  I felt completely numb when she told me she was pregnant… This was a first for me. I had always been very careful in this respect. I would not exaggerate by saying that I nearly fainted at the time. Initially my mind could not process the thought at all. I refused to hear it. My mind was blocked. But then, when the meaning of her words began to creep into my consciousness, I felt a spasm in my stomach, the room spun, I felt sick. Dana was monitoring my reactions. Right now, when I had found the girl of my dreams, another woman was sitting in front of me saying that she was bearing my child! How was it possible, damn it? My very first thought was… Guess! Are you sure it’s mine? Yes, absolutely this is the first thought that crosses the mind of every man in a similar situation. And the response that follows is always – of course I am sure, I don’t have sex with other men. Right, as if I believe you! It is so easy for women. They never have any doubts about who’s the father of their child. What about us? Who can tell! If you don’t have sex with other men, perhaps you sat on a shitty place in the steam bath where some guy had jerked off. Yes, even such absurd thoughts can cross our minds especially when we strongly discard the idea that such a turn of events is possible.

  Dana wanted to keep the baby. I was both shocked and glad at the same time. She even said that this was just the thing that we needed. That this would bring our relationship to life and similar bullshit. I felt sicker and sicker listening to her. After all the things I had told her last time, she continued to hope that things would work out between us. I couldn’t believe it. I was mad at her, but at the same time I felt sorry for her. I wanted to put the entire bla
me on her and to accuse her of all the bullshit because everything between us was over and done. But at the same time, I pitied her for living a lie and for her hope that wouldn’t die. Also for her having to get rid of the baby, knowing how much she had wanted to have a child, but could not conceive from her husband. Therefore, I tried to be most diplomatic. I explained my decision to her. I told her that I would support and help her and be with her for the abortion, that I would stay with her until she recovered emotionally. I also proposed that we choose the doctor and the clinic together. I felt sad seeing her crying helplessly. She tried to convince me using all sorts of arguments that this was not the right decision. But no other solution existed for me. And naturally I won. Dana was good-natured and naïve, while I was good at manipulating. We reached an agreement and she said that she didn’t want me at the clinic with her for the abortion. I wasn’t sure whether this was a good decision, but she insisted, and I had to honor her wish. So, this was how the problem was solved.

  I went back to Bulgaria and, despite the stress from the news, I quickly recovered and re-emerged into the fairy-tale with Megan. This girl simply made me forget all my troubles, she made me fly. I was a completely different person with her, I was living a different life. I quickly forgot about Dana and the mistake we had made. I trusted her that after reaching an agreement about getting rid of the baby together, when and how, she would abide by this decision. Megan and I were getting closer and closer. We were spending wonderful moments together. Our relationship was incredible. She was becoming more and more relaxed. And this made me immensely happy. The only things that worried me in our relationship were her fears and my inability to control them. I knew that we had to be frank with each other all the time. The more time we spent together, the more I was convinced that our relationship was getting better with time. I was feeling so good at the time and, honestly, I could not imagine feeling better.