I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  When she told me that she was in love with me, I was ready to get down on one knee and propose to her. Seriously. We had been together for more than a month, but I didn’t need more time. When a man is ready to get involved with a woman seriously and has met a woman that makes him feel good, he doesn’t need much time. I had never had any doubts about marriage and long-term commitment. I knew that I would take this step with pleasure, because I knew how to take responsibility. I had talked with friends on this topic many times. I agreed with some of their arguments. The idea of marriage in itself creates a false sense of security. Security that in fact we have to find within ourselves foremost and then in our partners, and by no means in an institution that legalizes our relationship. But I strongly believe in the idea that through marriage we manifest officially our serious intentions towards another person, and this has nothing to do with their feelings, but with our own.

  I don’t like the word “relationship”. It sounds awful and in total contradiction to the understanding of partnership – any kind of partnership, especially an intimate one. Partnership is not a bond, but freedom. It is a balance, a reinforcement of personal characteristics of two people in order to achieve a stronger and more harmonious, truer alloy – synergy. Being in intimate relations means seeking partnership in all aspects. You gaze into the other person in order to find yourself. You see the things you like in the other person in order to appreciate your own virtues. You discover things you dislike in the other person and your deficiencies in order to develop features of your character that help you become the person you truly want to be.

  The notion of an ideal partner is precisely the desire to become the perfect self. But did we ever learn this thing? No, we didn’t. We probe into the other person and look for all those features that we long for. We never consider and realize that the only thing that we have to do is to look at the other person, whom we have chosen at this point, as if looking into a mirror. In order to see what else we can add to the canvas that we represent. And we make mistakes one after another and there is nothing bad in that. We develop and learn through them! But the question is, are we really aware of them and do we draw conclusions, or do we just simply pass them by and only derive pain and disappointment, blocking our emotions? Again, and again.

  I don’t like the word “relationship”. I don’t like the words “compromise”, “duty” or “must” either. I don’t like many words with which we burden our relations and create enormous expectations which over the years leave people disappointed. Every time these accumulated expectations emerge stronger and bigger. We expect the next person to give us everything that we have not received before. Just wonderful! And the best thing is that probably the other person expects the same.

  The result is disappointment, demand, commitment, belittlement, hurt, restriction…all things related to marriage. But the truth is that we just need a single moment to ease our breathing, to calm our minds and then our hearts, and to tell ourselves how much we love us. We have to comprehend that what we have been looking for in the other person, we can only find in ourselves. The simple truth is this: you are important. The other person is with you in order to help you grow, to give you love, to help you become wholesome but not to do it instead of you. Then suddenly you will find the remedy and feel calmness, assuredness and love. More than anyone could ever give you! This was how my parents lived. This was how they brought me up. This was how I hoped to bring up my own children.

  After all, even if I was convinced that I was ready for this kind of commitment, even if I knew that all I wanted was to spend my life with Megan, I was convinced that I should give her some time to make her own decision. If I pressured her and pushed her, I could scare her away and achieve nothing.

  Chapter 32

  It was all so wonderful. This was the best period of my life. I was in Bulgaria. Business was thriving and developing well and there were indications that we would be a success in Europe. My relations with Megan were easy and pleasant. We had no conflicts. We were both strong in our views and opinions, but even in such moments we communicated openly. And if we could not grasp the position of the other, we just accepted it without trying to disprove, change or deny it. The new people that I met accepted me open-heartedly. I started making plans for settling down for good in Bulgaria, which I had always wanted. I was convinced that the time had come. I was considering various options as to how to restructure the company and settle my affairs in America. I had planned everything, going back to start the process. This time I wanted to take Megan with me, to present her to my grandma, to show her this part of my life the way she had shared her life with me. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

  And right then Dana called. This was the end of my fairy-tale. One more shock. I had not anticipated such a development. I thought that the problem was solved. But when she called me, I realized how naïve I had been leaving her alone. The truth was that I did understand Dana. I understood her choice. I could simply not forgive myself for the fact that her choice and the small mistake before this changed my entire life. She told me that she had thought things over and that she was not ready for the decision we had agreed on together. She told me that she had wanted to have a child so much, but she had given up hope already. She would not forgive herself for having an abortion now, and be doomed not to have any children ever. She told me that she understood my choice. And that she was not trying to manipulate me. She didn’t expect anything from me. The divorce with her husband was already underway. She had moved out and he was pleased. It seemed that the new girlfriend was frisky and wanted more. Dana’s husband promised a handsome allowance for her comfort. Of course, he was oblivious to the fact that she was pregnant with another man’s baby. Maybe if he had known, he wouldn’t have been so generous. Dana said she saw light at the end of the tunnel and that her life was restarted. She had found meaning. The very moment she had taken the decision, she had felt light at heart and happy, and was absolutely sure that this was the best decision for her and her unborn child. Her child! These words echoed loudly in my ears. I was totally excluded from the equation. I had the feeling that she did not expect anything from me now. Finally, Dana had taken a decision to take control of her life and not to depend on other people to decide her fate. Right on time.

  I was crushed. Devastated. I couldn’t think about the baby at all. I did not feel it as my own. I saw it as a problem that would ruin my life. It already had done. The moment Dana informed me of her decision, I knew what I had to do. I didn’t tell her immediately, but I knew it deep down. It was true that I didn’t want this child because it meant an end to my relationship with Megan. But it was my child after all. And now when Dana had decided to keep it, I had no other choice but to go back to America and to try to make things between us work.

  I was hurting like hell inside! But I could not imagine that I could act differently. I had spent most of my adult life without parents because of the tragic accident. They had not deserted me, but I felt that way. I had a living relative and even if I didn’t, Daniel’s parents would have adopted me, but deep inside I felt deserted. I cursed fate, I cursed my parents. I cursed myself for being alive and not perishing with them. It was difficult, and my grandma did everything possible to make me cope with these emotions. In the end she succeeded. But I always wondered what sort of people deserted their own child, their spouse. We were grown-ups and had to be responsible for our actions. I had helped in conceiving a child – I should bear the responsibility. I was a parent. I was the one to protect, support, care, love and nurture the child. I was the person that the child could depend on in order to become a good human being, to be successful and happy. Dana had decided to keep the child and I was obligated to be next to it. To be next to her. It hurt me. I was confused. In my mind I played various options, but each decision that was different from this one contradicted the convictions which I had had since I was a young man. This was what Grandma had in mind when she talked about choices.
The choice based on duty. Was a different choice ever possible?

  Chapter 33

  Margaret – Phillip’s grandmother

  I believed that his life would develop differently. Phillip was more mature than me and his mother. I tried to bring him up in the best way possible, to give him the best education. Honestly, I didn’t approve his longing to go back to Bulgaria owing to purely selfish reasons. But I had learned my lesson with my daughter and knew that I should not interfere with the choices of youth. I loved Bulgaria, but I had nothing left there. Just painful memories. I had settled down in America a long time ago, and it was more difficult to restart my life in Bulgaria at this age than to remain here, even without Phillip.

  I thought that he would fulfil his dream and rebuild the family he had as a child. He was determined and always reached his goals. Unsuspectingly, my little grandchild had become a grown-up, successful man. I was so proud. We had talked many times about the woman that would be next to him, and the family he wanted to have. He felt at ease talking about such things with me, he even wanted my advice. I had tried to build a feeling of awareness in him so that he would not be guided by ego alone. And I was convinced that I had accomplished enormous success – he achieved so much in such a short period of time. He was successful at a very young age and money followed. The interest of women in him also grew. But Phillip was so serious that it surprised me. He knew what he wanted and was focused, he was not keen on making compromises and settling down for less than he imagined.

  Years passed, and I wondered many times whether I had not made a mistake repeating that everything he wanted depended entirely on him. Years piled on top of each other, and frequently I caught myself thinking how happy I would be to see him nicely settled down. To see him with a wife of his choice, to see them making plans for their future together, for a home and children. I even tried on several occasions to bring up this topic. But he cut me down categorically and I quickly recollected the important rule – do not interfere.

  I communicated with Phillip much better and more calmly than I had done with my own daughter. It is not by accident that people say that the connection between a grandmother and her grandchild is stronger and more loving than the one between a parent and a child. I was not only Phillip’s grandmother, I was his guardian. I was responsible for his upbringing, his education, for his maturing as a person. I had bitter experience. I was light years ahead in my behavior with Phillip than I was with my own child. I had put aside my ego now and every time I acted in his favor and tried to listen to him, to ask for his opinion, rather than taking a decision instead of him. I did not regret any decision taken together. We made mistakes and we often wondered whether or not we were on the right track. But endeavoring not to make the same mistake, did I not commit the opposite? When I look back from the distance of time, I know that every choice that Phillip and I made together was part of his life journey. I was just a witness to his progress. It was meant to happen. The biggest mistake parents can make is to refuse to understand that they are not the guiding force of their children on their life journeys. Parents should listen more and adjust the direction less. But we do just the opposite and make our children weak, insecure and negative. We take their duties on our shoulders, instead of teaching them from a very young age to make their choices alone. And then we get angry at them when they contradict us. We get angry when we get tired of carrying the burden of their responsibilities or when we see how unsuccessful and unprepared for the world they are. The only thing we have to do and have the right to do is to tell them what the results of the different choices are and teach them responsibility and duty. Everything else is their own destiny and fate and our role is only to observe. Also, to support them when the choice proves to be wrong.

  I was also one of those parents that wanted to guide the destiny of their children. But, unlike some children, mine was difficult. When she was old enough she decided that she would not follow the steps chosen by her mother. The beauty and diversity of the world opened before her and she realized that the choice was in her hands. She was brought up to be a fighter, but she had this in her from birth. When she met Phillip’s father, there was nothing I could do. She just informed me of her decision. I was so bitter! I remember putting into action all my female manipulative powers and trying to influence my own child. For what? In order to get back control over her life because I was certain that my choice was better than hers. How naïve! Well, I failed. My own failure and the success of her choice hurt my ego even more. I preferred to shut down all communication instead of admitting my mistake. Naïve and stupid!

  Unfortunately, fate decided to teach me many lessons. When I learned about the car crash in Bulgaria and the tragic outcome, I cursed my life. I cursed my stubbornness. I cursed my stupidity. I wanted to turn back time. I prayed to turn back time in order to ask for forgiveness. Alas, people do not have such privileges. I had to learn my lessons the hard way. From this moment onwards, I promised myself to live the rest of my life in awareness. I wasn’t to rush as young people did. I had lost too many important and dear people not to appreciate what I had. Life awarded me wisdom. But I paid a high price. I had the experience of age when I took little Phillip to live with me and knew what was expected of a guardian and what my rights were.

  These were the principles I followed for his upbringing. I was careful not to exceed my privileges. I tried not to make the decisions for him even when he asked me to – I was convinced that I would not do him a favor, just the opposite, I would make him feeble, lazy and frivolous. When he encountered difficulties, I strived to be only the support. To motivate him. But it was Phillip who took the decisions and bore the consequences, however grave they were.

  For the first time I doubted my position regarding his upbringing when I learned about the child he was expecting. I could see that there was a burden on his shoulders, or more likely, the unwillingness to deal with this burden. Unwillingness and even denial.

  Chapter 34

  Yesterday evening I sent Phillip and Dana on their way home and, although I later checked to see whether they had arrived home safely, I could not get a wink of sleep all night. I was feeling uneasy, and this had nothing to do with their traveling back home. I knew what the cause of this uneasiness was. I tried to provoke Phillip on Saturday evening. I had never interfered with his affairs before. I accepted his choices even when I knew he was wrong. But I could not contain myself that evening. I allowed myself a simple provocation. I was torn apart by doubt as to whether Dana’s pregnancy was not the circumstance that Phillip found difficult to acknowledge and saw as an obligation. Was I getting senile or stupid, or was it time to neglect my principles and interfere? The facts were obvious, and I turned them over and over in my mind. He needed a break, it was obvious, but he spent the entire afternoon roaming around the streets with the lame explanation that he was jogging, just to avoid being with his wife at home. And Dana did not stop talking about the baby and the plans SHE made, but never once did she mention Phillip. And the way they communicated with each other was so formal, one had the feeling of attending an official dinner party at an embassy and not a family expecting the most wonderful event – their first child. Such moments should be filled with warmth and sincere joy and love. There were many strange things and not only over the past weekend.

  Phillip had lived through several transformations over the past few months. I never knew the reasons, but I could see the end result in his moods – ranging from exaltation to depression. When he told me that he was moving his business to Bulgaria, I realized that he was finally going to undertake the step he had dreamt of since childhood. I was scared because it meant that he would be away from me. But at the same time, I was proud of him. It took him quite some time to make this step, to come face to face with the painful past that had deprived him of so much. In fact, it had deprived him of everything. Of course, I was worried, but at the same time happy for him. When he came back after his first visit to Bulgaria he was so
happy! He was glowing. He had grown immensely, emotionally. He had tackled his greatest fears and had defeated them. I could see a special flame in his eyes. The flame that my experience told me was born out of love. I could not explain it, but I knew that Phillip would fall in love with a Bulgarian. Bulgarian women are famous for their Slavic beauty, sharp mind and strong character. Bulgarian women inherit great genes. Phillip had spent his adult life in a completely different environment compared to Bulgaria and it was possible that he would not feel at ease in his motherland. Despite this, I was convinced that a life-changing experience awaited him there.

  He never did tell me anything. He had stopped confiding in me now, although in the past he had had no trouble telling me everything that happened in his life. Sometimes even without me asking him. And I did ask so many questions about Bulgaria. I was intrigued and I was inquisitive. I wanted to know his reactions. Did he like Bulgaria, did he like the Bulgarians? How did he feel? Would he go back again? Were there any good business opportunities? He only mentioned that he had met Daniel and I could see how happy he was with this encounter. He was going back to Bulgaria next week and had already bought his ticket. There was no mention of a girl, but I knew that there was one. I could feel it.

  He spent some time there and then came back to America. Then he went there again and came back. Several times, I do not recall how many. I didn’t pay much attention. But I did pay attention to his moods. The second time, or maybe the third, he was excited. The phone never left his hand and he was smiling like a teenager. He came to see me every time he was in America, but I could tell that for him the time spent away from Bulgaria was a waste. He lived with the idea of going back. And there is nothing in this world, either business or anything else, that can awaken such enthusiasm for life as love can. To ignite such a flame in the eyes.