‘My expectations fit the people. You are first league so don’t stay low. I know you can do anything. Can you swim?’ He suddenly took something out of his back pocket and started to unwrap it. An inflatable swim ring. He began blowing it up by mouth.
‘Yes, I can, of course. Why do you need this swim ring?’
‘I had to take precautions,’ he was looking at me devilishly, ‘but in that case…’ he threw the swim ring over his shoulder and started towards me. He reached out and our bodies were just a breath away. He turned off the stove behind me where the pancake was frying, moved the frying pan off the hot plate, bent down and picked me up.
‘Marty, no. I expected something like that from you, but you wouldn’t dare. You wouldn’t? No-o-o!’
‘I would never do such a thing to you. It would be awful. And cold and you don’t deserve it.’
He spanked me on the butt and ran outside. I didn’t even try to stop him. I knew that nothing would discourage him. But at the same time, it was so damn funny. And sexy. He smelled of musk. The running had activated the aromas of his deodorant and I could smell them intensely and strongly. In fact, I badly needed a cold shower to chase away the thoughts that crossed my mind at the time. The seawater was definitely freezing. But the whole experience was so enlivening that I did not feel the unpleasant coldness. Nor did Martin feel the cold. He jumped into the water together with me first, and then he showed me his professional swimming skills. I splashed him and tried to push him under, but he was very agile. He dived into the water under my legs and pushed me up and threw me again. I shouted, smiled and went crazy. I threw sand at him and pushed him to the ground. Obviously, he experienced the satisfaction of a child. Me too.
Finally, we went to the steam room in the underground level of the house which Martin had prepared in the morning. We ran out of the sea straight to the house into the steam room. Neither of us were wearing swimming gear. I had never considered embarking on such adventures; he had not planned it either. Martin was spontaneous and creative and acted on the spur of the moment. He went upstairs, leaving wet marks behind him, and told me to go into the steam room directly. He brought towels from the upstairs bathroom and turned around while I was taking off my wet clothes. Then, he entered the steam room only after covering himself with a towel and when I told him it was OK to come in.
Martin was a gentleman and also clever enough to know to be patient with me and to wait for me to make the first step. He knew perfectly well that if he approached me before I was absolutely sure what I wanted, it would mean losing everything.
The day continued in the same interesting tempo that it had started with. After the steam room and the pleasant shower afterwards, we had pancakes and went out for a walk. Martin was right. Indeed, the sea during the winter was no less beautiful. Its charisma was strong enough to compete with the summer charm. Different, yet stunning. The colors of the water were diverse – more intense, darker. A strong wind was blowing, and this created big waves that crashed on the rocks. At times, the wind blew sand into the air, which mixed with the splashes of the waves and stuck to our faces and other uncovered parts of our bodies. The silence on the beach was overwhelming and magical. It created a feeling of serenity on one hand, and a feeling of awe and respect on the other, with every thunderous crash of the breaking waves on the rocks, which made cold shivers run down my spine, witnessing the power and might of nature. There were few people. Despite the holidays, most of them had decided to choose another destination. They had not considered the magnetism of the winter sea. Marty enjoyed it in a way similar to mine, even more. And as much as it was a new sensation for me that I was discovering now, this was something familiar for him. Familiar in a special way that brought about memories. I could see it in his eyes and feel it in his moods. I could sense that the winter sea had created meaning for him. Meaning accumulated in the past but still priceless and sacred. I could see at times how he stared into the distance far away. However, at this stage I did not want to dive deeply into his emotions, even if he was ready to share them. I had already experienced similar situations and knew that when you share something too personal with someone else, you cross a certain boundary. Still I was not ready for this and this time I stopped myself, although my curiosity insisted on the opposite.
Time passed quickly and the day was nearing its end. We decided to have dinner at the villa. We bought all sorts of delicacies; even such that I was not sure were suitable for a dinner course. But at the supermarket while shopping, we grabbed from the shelves all sorts of things that we felt like eating.
We went to the villa and started cooking. Things just happened with Marty unintentionally. Easily and naturally. We complemented each other without a hint of tension between us. There was no need for explanations. So far, we had not been in a situation in which I wanted one thing, and he another. Always, when one of us said something, the other retorted that it was just what they themselves thought. The same thing happened with cooking. We didn’t ask what we were going to make; none of us assumed the functions of a chef. We distributed our tasks and poured ourselves a glass of wine even before taking the products out of the bags. He started the fire burning in the fireplace and, soon after that, wonderful aromas filled the house.
This was a wonderful day. In the evening when everything was almost ready, I went upstairs to take a quick shower and to get ready for diner. It was then that I realized how happy I was. For the first time in a long time I felt happy and at peace. I took off my clothes and looked myself in the mirror. There was a smiling face looking back at me. Just a simple smile. A smile that was brought about from the experiences throughout the day. A smile without a specific reason, but which was a reflection of my entire mood. A smile that emanated serenity. I felt exactly like that. Serene. And if, before embarking on this trip, I was fearful, now at the end of the second day of three, I had never felt even for a moment concerned, scared or anxious. Not for a second did I regret making this choice. There was no sign of the questions that had crowded my head just before entering Martin’s car the previous morning. I felt real, I felt myself all the time. I enjoyed the company of a pleasant person without scheming, without fake labels, without superfluous questions. Just me, him and the experiences that we created together. I had stopped analyzing everything, but allowed myself to float on the crest of emotions, here and now. I had left behind all memories and experiences and had relaxed, trusting the person standing in front of me, and thus trusting myself. The result was a beautiful smile on the face of the woman in the mirror. Just like that. For no reason at all.
Chapter 46
‘You’re so beautiful,’ said Martin, when he passed me yet another glass of wine for the evening, on seeing me coming down the stairs.
‘Thank you. You too. You look like a Hollywood movie star: casually sexy…and barefooted,’ and it was all true. Marty had freshened up after preparing dinner. He was wearing patched jeans and a white shirt that fitted him perfectly. His hair was still wet from the shower.
‘I wanted to feel comfortable. I love to walk barefoot. Later, when we get wasted, we can go down to the beach barefoot. There are torches in the basement. If we manage to light one, that is.’
‘Wow! Great idea! I’ve never walked barefoot on the beach in winter carrying a torch.’
‘There are so many things in this world that we are yet to experience. The question is, are we ready for them, are we ready to see them at all and admit them?’
‘Cheers! Great speech.’
‘That’s why I bought so many bottles of wine. The moment I pick a philosophical topic to discuss, dispute and ponder on…and immediately you say “cheers”, I know that deep down you want to get me drunk so that you can start blurting out gibberish, while I only nod in confirmation: “You’re right”!’
‘Ha-ha-ha, is it possible? I could never have imagined it, because you don’t ever shut up. In that case – cheers.’
‘Foxy lady, don’t try to conceal your devilish plans. I know
that deep down you’ve wanted this, ever since the first time we met. I still remember your shocked face at that first moment.’
‘Let’s eat, I’m starving and I’m certain you don’t want to see my face when I’m really famished. Then you would be sorry for inviting a total stranger into your house before a medical check-up certifying that I’m mentally stable.’
‘I was well aware that you are not mentally stable the moment I met you. But I love challenges. And the house belongs to a friend, so the potential damage as a result of a nervous breakdown wouldn’t be at my expense.’
‘Marty, I know that this is your house, or at least a family house. I can’t imagine why you so stubbornly try to hide this fact. At least you could have made the effort to remove the photos from the mantelpiece. That kid with the suspenders is the spitting image of you. I might even say that it could be your son, if it weren’t for the poor quality of the photo, evidence that it was taken a long time ago. I had my suspicions ever since that first night in the office when you told me that the security guard was your friend. If so, he would have said hello, but instead the man let you pass and just nodded at you, the same way one nods at a colleague or at the boss. I don’t know why you prefer these things to remain unspoken; you even purposefully deceive people about the truth without lying outright. You do it very deftly and professionally, I admit. But it is totally unnecessary.’
‘Well, now. It turned out that I’ve invited a real Sherlock Holmes to my friend’s house. Well done, missy. Very observant. You surprised me, I confess. You caught me off guard…and even shamed me. I had no intention of deceiving you. I just prefer not to place emphasis on these things. As I said, I’m not in the habit of taking girls to my office building nor to this house. I felt like doing it, but didn’t want to explain myself.’
‘There is no need for explanations. It doesn’t concern me. But I would like to hear a bit more about your mysterious job that you avoid talking about. I’m curious to hear your point of view, to learn about the things you do and that interest you and give you pleasure and excite you and you see as a challenge. I’m not interested in your assets and monthly income. I don’t know why men and women and couples find it so awkward to talk about money.’
‘I wouldn’t say that this is an awkward topic.’
‘Obviously it is, if you decided to take this approach.’
‘Hum,’ Marty smiled and stared at his glass, ‘Miss Smart-ass, I like being provoked by you. Let’s sit down and eat because there’s food for at least a dozen people and, if you predispose me, then I might even tell you what my monthly income is. But then I fear that I might not be able to sever myself from you.’
‘How very presumptuous, Mr. Ego! If you think that this is the way to impress a woman that has been providing for herself since she was twenty-one and has several businesses, you’re far from the truth. What kind of women have you been dating, Mr. Ego? I am beginning to worry about you.’
‘Ha-ha!’
‘But, in fact, I should be the one to worry because when you taste my cooking I might have to get a restraining order. And I don’t want to deprive myself of your entertaining company.’
‘This line would deserve another toss in the water if I were not so hungry, but I’ll leave it for tomorrow morning. This time I won’t be so nice to leave you to sleep till late, lazybones.’
Martin was wonderful company and I felt more at ease and comfortable with him. I really did not notice how time flew. Every single moment was interesting, provocative, funny and no sinful thoughts crossed my mind. I hadn’t even considered the fact that this would be the first night that Marty and I would spend together in the house after drinking so much wine. How far would we go? How far was I prepared to go?
The dinner was unbelievably tasty. There were two salads, fish in parchment with citrus fruits, meat glazed with honey and mustard sauce, hors d’oeuvre with potatoes and melted cheese and ratatouille bruschetta. The dessert was my own specialty, but we didn’t even taste it because we were both full. We were just about to move to the sofa to watch the dancing flames in the fireplace at this moment of timelessness, when something made me look at my phone. I had three missed calls from Daniel. Strange! True, he was tactless at times and it was typical of him to call me several times just to ask the name of a condiment or an actor or something else of no importance. But on Saturday evening? Something told me to call him back. I dialed his number and heard the ringing tone once, twice, three times. I was going to hang up when I heard a voice. His voice!
‘Megs… It’s me!’
I dropped the phone to the floor and froze. I could not breathe. His voice! I could not move. I stared blankly into space and his words echoed in my mind. “Megs… It’s me!” “Megs… It’s me!” Who were you? Why did I still remember you? Why were you calling me? I thought the pain had gone. No, it had not. Everything broke inside of me anew… As if with a force stronger than before.
The phone started vibrating on the floor. It had not been broken from the fall and was still working. Vibrating. And the vibrating sound, rebounding from the hard-wooden floor, pierced my brain. I bent down and turned it off. I could not stand up and remained kneeling down. In a ball. Without even blinking. I didn’t know how long I stayed there like that, but Marty had seen me. I couldn’t say whether he had witnessed the entire scene. But then he came close to me, gently touched me on the shoulder and said my name:
‘Megan,’ I heard it like an echo from far, far away. ‘Megan, Megan, Megan…’
I was in another world. In another dimension. My spirit had separated from my body. My brain refused to process the information. Phillip had come back. My body refused to accept the pain that pierced it in a thousand places. Again.
‘Megan, are you alright?’
I looked at Marty and saw the worried look in his eyes. I looked around and realized that I was curled on the floor. My eyes were filled with tears and when I blinked and focused on him, the tears streamed down my cheeks. I wasn’t crying. I still refused to accept the fact that fiercely knocked on the closed door of my consciousness. But my body had reacted instinctively to the familiar pain and the tears were in my eyes.
‘Megan, are you alright?’ Marty asked again.
I stared at him blankly and could not speak. I didn’t know whether I was alright or not. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I only knew that I wanted to escape. Somewhere far away – into another world. Away from that voice.
‘I would like to be alone. Please!’ I said and stood up and fled outside towards the sea. I wanted to run far away from Marty, away from my phone, away from myself. But how was it possible? I wanted to run away from my thoughts. Megs… It’s me… It’s me… It’s me…
I shut my ears and ran to the sea. The cold salty air hit me the instant I stepped outside. Then the tears poured down. I started sobbing. I started crying out the deeply hidden pain. Pain that I had wrongfully thought had been overcome, that had subsided, decreased. No! This pain was still inside of me. It had always been there. Simply, I had buried it under a thousand other things, but it never diminished. I realized this when I was running in the darkness. Barefoot. Without shoes on the wet sand. I was running and crying aloud.
I had no idea how long I had been outside, but suddenly I felt tired and stopped. I was tired, not from the running, but was breathless and suffocated by the tears. I fell on the sand. There, in the void. Alone. Embraced by pain and by all the emotions that had been waiting for so long to be unleashed. Then I saw a light in the distance. First, I thought I was dreaming and this was an awful nightmare, and it was time to wake up. But the light was growing and coming closer and I saw the silhouette of a man holding a torch – it was Marty. Marty was coming for me carrying a torch. I didn’t want him to come, but I had no strength in me left to resist. I didn’t even have strength to speak, even cry. My eyes and cheeks were already dry. I was a hollow human carcass cast on the seashore.
Marty was carrying a blanket. He t
hrew it over me without saying a word and sat next to me and stuck the torch in the sand.
‘Megs, I think it’s best to go inside, because I would have to take you to the nearest hospital to avoid the amputation of a limb.’
I looked down and saw that my arms and legs had gone numb. I could not move them at all and did not feel any pain. The pain was concentrated in my solar plexus and my heart.
‘I will not bother you. I’m tired and I will go to bed, unless you want to talk.’
I looked at Marty intently. His face showed a spectrum of emotions. But I had no strength to talk to him, to reassure him, to explain to him or to apologize. He deserved so much more. But I had no strength left in me and once again I turned to the sea.
‘OK, you don’t want to talk. But you must come inside, otherwise I shall have to force you. I’m dead serious.’
He was right. Indeed, I was facing second-degree frostbite. I stood up with the blanket around my shoulders and turned towards the house. Without saying a word to Marty. I was not able to face him.
Chapter 47
I woke up in a room. I needed a few moments to become aware of my surroundings. The place was unfamiliar. A small, empty room. Only a bed on which I lay. I stood up, looked around for a door but there was none, the four walls were covered with heavy curtains. I slowly moved towards one and pulled it apart. All three curtains opened simultaneously. The four walls were made of glass. But there were no windows, there was no door. I was in a glass box, a cage made of glass.
I started banging on the walls but the glass was thick and strong. Immovable. My fist felt muted on the glass regardless of how hard I hit. I hit, I yelled, but it was as if there was not a living soul outside this caged room. I started looking around the room, hoping to find something that would point me towards the meaning of this place and how I had come to be here and how to escape. I looked under the bed and found some boxes for A4 paper sheets, covered with sticky tape. All over. I pulled out the boxes and started tearing at them fiercely. It wasn’t easy, but I didn’t give up. I tore with my fingers and my teeth. My hand started bleeding around the nails but I persisted. I was sure that the answer was in these boxes. There, I had almost succeeded. I opened the first one and it was filled with… photos. Of Phillip. Phillip and me at the airport. Phillip and me at the restaurant. Phillip kissing me. Phillip smiling with that smile of his. Phillip’s back. Phillip boarding the plane. Phillip shopping. A ring. Phillip with that blonde woman. Phillip proposing. I had seen enough. I knew what these boxes were. I had wrapped them up with sticky tape so thoroughly. It was I who had hidden them under the bed. But what was this place? Why was I here alone? Alone with these boxes? Then I heard a knock at the glass wall. I turned around. It was Phillip. Smiling at me. He was so handsome. My Phillip. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to kiss him. Then he took something out of the pocket of his jeans. A lighter. He looked at me and whispered, ‘I love you, My Love.’ I knew it for certain: he said exactly these words. I read them on his lips. And he lit the lighter. And then the photo in my hand burst into flames. I dropped it to the floor to stop my hand getting burned and it fell into the box. Then all the photos caught fire instantaneously. When I tried to put the fire out with the bed cover, I realized that everything was aflame with an unnatural and mounting force. The bed cover caught fire, now the whole bed was on fire. And the room was so small. I looked at Phillip, standing on the outside, motionless. He stared at me blankly, unemotionally. I started hitting on the glass right in front of him. What’s wrong with you? Help me! Where’s the way out? He could not hear me. I turned around to see that almost everything was on fire in the tiny room. It was getting hot and smoky. Then I realized that there was nothing I could do, I sat on the floor, curled up into a ball and waited for the flames to incinerate me.
I Choose You, Love Page 27