Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  ‘Don’t be silly. I’m not going to tell anyone about it,’ said Manav like a total gentleman.

  ‘Uhh, then what is the point of all this?’ asked Anthony sincerely. ‘You don’t sleep with the most popular girl in college and not talk about it!’

  Manav grabbed Anthony by the collar. ‘That is my future wife you’re talking about. Show some respect.’

  ‘Oooooh,’ chimed the remainder as Manav released Anthony and got ready to leave.

  ‘Wait,’ said Akbar. ‘What does this mean? She’s still insisting that you’re her friend, right? So are you or are you not in the Friendzone now?’

  ‘He’s out,’ Anthony clarified. ‘See, Friendzone is not a physical place. It only exists to keep things blurry at an emotional level. So once you actually cross a physical threshold such as kissing or making out, you are no longer in the Friendzone.’

  ‘So insightful,’ said Amar wryly.

  ‘Alright, while you guys sit here and discuss kissing and making out, I have to actually go do it,’ grinned Manav.

  ‘Lucky bastard,’ said Anthony.

  ‘We want details!’ said Akbar like an unapologetic fourteen-year-old girl.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ said Manav as he happily whistled on his way to Rhea’s place.

  16

  Short Version: The hero finds himself in Friendzone again. And his friends make the third and final mistake of their lives by giving him the worst relationship advice ever.

  Later that night, the boys congregated in Manav’s room to discuss the happenings (or the non-happenings) of the afternoon. Turned out, Rhea hadn’t actually invited Manav over to have sex. She had just asked him to come over because she was sick and felt like company to distract her from the fever. Really, who does that?

  ‘Whatever, dude, I don’t think we were wrong to think it was a booty call,’ said Akbar. ‘She said she’d sneak you into her room, for God’s sake!’

  ‘She said she had to sneak me in because her family didn’t approve of our friendship. And what’s a booty call?’ Manav was up to his neck with these weird non-relationship statuses.

  The boys sighed. They were constantly surprised that Manav was living in the same era as they were and hadn’t accidentally slipped into a time-travel portal from the Middle Ages. ‘It’s when someone calls you over to have sex, no strings attached,’ Akbar elucidated.

  ‘What? Have sex and not marry the girl? That would be dishonourable!’ Manav’s sensibilities were beyond offended. What kind of culture had he walked into? Surely Rhea had to be untouched by this vulgarity. The sweet angel. She probably didn’t know what booty call meant either.

  The guys burst out laughing. Sometimes Manav was hilarious. ‘Well it would be dishonourable if the girl wanted to marry you and didn’t in fact give you a booty call,’ said Anthony. ‘No, wait. Even that wouldn’t be dishonourable. Who uses words like that anymore? What are you, a samurai?’

  ‘I’m a …’ Manav started.

  ‘No, no, don’t answer that,’ said Akbar. ‘We know. You’re the descendant of that dragon slayer dude.’

  ‘Do not insult my ancestor,’ Manav said seriously but the boys broke into a laughing fit.

  ‘Do not insult my ancestor,’ Anthony repeated in a fake-serious bass voice and the joke went on for a while till Manav got upset and decided to walk out of the room.

  ‘Duuuude, come baaaaack,’ they went after him.

  ‘No, you guys let me know when you’re done laughing because I’m still upset about Rhea and it doesn’t seem like you buffoons know anything more than I do about this.’

  ‘Alright, alright,’ said Anthony who did not like to be told that he didn’t know anything about relationships. ‘Look, we get that you’re a prince and you have a code of honour and all that. But you have to understand that Rhea is not a princess. She’s a beautiful, popular, stinking rich urban girl who gets way more attention than you would in your village. The rules are completely different here.’

  ‘No, the game is different,’ Akbar said.

  ‘Yes, different game. So if you want her, you’re going to have to keep your honour aside and play this our way,’ said Anthony placing his arm around Manav’s shoulder and taking him under his know-it-all wings. ‘You up for it?’

  ‘Wait, wait, wait,’ said Amar. ‘Before you guys suggest something drastic, let’s at least hear what happened last afternoon.’

  ‘You mean what didn’t happen,’ Akbar snorted. ‘Sorry, dude.’

  ‘No, I still want to hear it. Maybe she genuinely wanted to see him,’ Amar had hope. He wanted to believe in true love. But somehow everything Anthony said had a way of coming true. But then again, what did he know about relationships. Anthony, on the other hand, had five months’ experience in the department—spread over four years of course.

  ‘Okay, so she sneaked me into her room but kept the door slightly open,’ Manav started and the three made themselves comfortable on the bed to hear the whole story. ‘She was on the bed so I sat on the chair next to the bed.’

  ‘And why would you do that?’ said Akbar.

  ‘Because I am man of honour,’ snorted Anthony needlessly mimicking Mr Miyagi.

  ‘Do you want to hear the story or not?’ Manav snapped. He had seen The Karate Kid.

  ‘Alright, alright, take a joke, bro,’ said Anthony. ‘Yes, so you made the decision to take the chair instead of the bed. Then what happened?’

  ‘Then we talked for the next two hours.’

  ‘You talked for two whole hours? What about? Her hopes and dreams?’ Anthony couldn’t even imagine such a scenario. Being in a beautiful woman’s room to talk to her. It was just … offensive!

  ‘Uhh … yes!’ said Manav. ‘We talked about all the things she wanted to do after graduating, her dreams of becoming a singer and how her parents would never understand all that. It was actually nice. You should try it sometime. Maybe you’ll realize there’s more to women than sleeping with them.’

  ‘Waa’ said Amar and they all started applauding in slow motion. ‘Spoken like a true hero.’

  ‘Except, this is real life and if you want her to stop yanking you around and become your girlfriend, you’re going to have to sleep with her. Soon.’ Anthony did not like his authority on relationship matters questioned.

  ‘Let him finish the story,’ said Amar who was really enjoying the way Manav’s relationship was panning out.

  ‘Well, then I asked her how come she was telling me all this and she said it’s because I was her best friend …’

  ‘Wait … what!’ Anthony interrupted. ‘Now you’re not even a half boyfriend?’

  ‘No, that was ruined thanks to my mother’s bridal shower,’ Manav said and his friends had a good laugh at his expense once again.

  ‘What did you tell your mom, dude?’ asked Akbar.

  ‘Nothing. I haven’t spoken to her since. She’s giving me some time. She knows she screwed up.’

  ‘So, anyway,’ Manav continued. ‘I asked if that was all I was to her and she sighed and asked me why I couldn’t be happy with what I had.’

  ‘What have you had?’ Anthony was outraged. ‘You haven’t had anything. That being the point.’ He clearly didn’t get the concept of platonic friendships.

  ‘So I told her I was in love with her and she looked at me like she felt sorry for me and said I was putting too much pressure on her and that she was just eighteen and how was she supposed to know about love and shit.’ Manav looked dejected and Amar tried to pat his back awkwardly.

  ‘Anyway, that was that. When I got ready to leave, she gave me a hug.’

  ‘Noooo,’ Anthony shuddered. ‘That’s a sympathy hug! You stay away from those things. They are carriers. Once you’re infected, no one will ever sleep with you again.’ He looked truly mortified.

  ‘What is he talking about?’ Manav looked to Akbar for an explanation. He was quite tired of making sense of all of Anthony’s relationship theories.

  Akbar
chuckled. ‘He just means that once word gets around that you’re the kind of guy that girls see as sweet and pitiful, every girl on campus will want to be your friend and have you listen to her stories and you will never get laid. Like, ever.’

  Manav sighed. ‘So you’re saying there’s no way I can get her to fall in love with me by remaining her friend?’

  ‘Nope,’ said Akbar and Anthony in unison.

  ‘I don’t think anyone can say for sure,’ Amar mumbled.

  ‘Sure. If you want to take advice from Frigid Ice Man himself …’ said Anthony and poor Amar left the room, embarrassed. The truth was, Amar was the only one among the four who had actually got laid. But it hadn’t been true love so he was too ashamed to admit it. Anthony on the other hand, preferred to treat those extremely rare make-out sessions in those five months spread across four years as the real thing.

  ‘Fine,’ sighed Manav. He had been over this several times with the boys and it seemed like they were right. They knew urban relationships better than he did. ‘Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.’

  ACT 2

  17

  Short Version: This is the point where we finally reveal that the hero is in fact the villain. Since this is a huge turning point in the story, we shall call this Act 2.

  When Manav woke up the next morning, he wasn’t the same guy who went to bed dejected the night before. Like a snake, he had shed that layer of himself (because he had the ability to completely transform his very nature at will) and was now ready to take what was rightfully his. It didn’t matter if Rhea protested. Women always did that. She’d understand eventually. After all, his mother was married to his father entirely against her will. But look how wonderfully that worked out! Of course, his father, the king, wasn’t around anymore to tell the tale but his mother could easily play the role of both parents and run a kingdom all by herself. It’s this same potential he saw in Rhea and wasn’t about to let her waste it singing songs at a bar in New York. It was way beneath her and she’d see it someday. After all, who’d want to be singing in New York when they could be running a kingdom in rural India.

  By the time he got dressed and stepped out, everyone noticed the difference. His whole countenance had changed. He looked more resolute. So they turned in the direction he was looking and suddenly, everything made sense. Rhea was throwing her arms around Ro and kissing him goodbye in full view as he dropped her off at college. This was it. This had to stop now. He had let it go the first time because of her naiveté. He actually thought he could make her fall in love with him. But now he just had to take her like a prince. For her own sake.

  ‘Hey Manav!’ Rhea called out as he started walking towards his block.

  ‘Hey,’ he said unenthusiastically.

  ‘Somebody’s grumpy!’ Rhea said and it was met with more silence.

  She finally grabbed his arm to stop him. ‘Hey! What’s wrong? You seem upset.’

  ‘Maybe I am,’ he said.

  ‘Well, you want to talk about it?’

  ‘Not sure. Not now anyway. Meet me at my dorm post classes,’ he said offhandedly.

  ‘At your dorm?’ Rhea laughed incredulously. ‘How am I supposed to enter your dorm? Girls are not allowed, remember?’

  ‘I can sneak you in,’ he said coolly.

  Rhea considered this. She wouldn’t have agreed but something was off about the guy today and she suspected it was her fault. Also, she was the curious type and couldn’t let something go till she found out everything there was to know.

  ‘Okay,’ she said somewhat hesitantly.

  ‘Okay,’ he said and walked away to class.

  Rhea just stood there wondering what hit her. She really wasn’t comfortable sneaking into the boys’ dorm. If she got caught, it wouldn’t just mean getting into trouble at college. Her parents would be upset and there would be Ro and Kiran to deal with. Of course, Kiran wasn’t talking to her at the moment because she didn’t approve of her being friends with Manav again. But Ro had been more open-minded. He had known Rhea all her life and he knew she was incapable of hurting anyone intentionally. He trusted her. He just didn’t trust Manav. So he decided to keep an eye on the guy and keep Rhea out of it.

  ‘Oh, what the hell,’ thought Rhea. ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’

  Wrong question. As she was about to find out.

  By four in the evening, Rhea was restless. Manav had said he’d meet her at the basketball court but there was no sign of him. It was so unlike him. She even texted him three times and there was no reply. By this time, she started to get worried that he wasn’t okay. She replayed every conversation she had had with him till the last one and she couldn’t think of a legit reason for him to behave this way.

  ‘Maybe it has nothing to do with me,’ she thought. ‘What if something had gone wrong at home? Maybe his mother had done something ridiculous again, who knows.’ Whatever it was, she wasn’t leaving till she knew what was causing those frown lines on his forehead. They made him look all broody and tormented, which she had to admit was kind of hot but that wasn’t the point. She was his friend and she cared about him.

  ‘Can I go now?’ Manav asked his crew of relationship experts who had parked themselves on the roof of the opposite building, binoculars in hand. ‘She might leave if I delay any longer. I’m surprised she waited this long.’

  ‘Bro, what did I tell you, bro?’ said Anthony sighing. ‘Ignore a woman and it will drive her crazy. Look at her! Look at the anxiety on her face. She isn’t used to this. No guy has ever ignored her before.’

  Manav had to admit that Anthony was making sense. And boy, did it feel good to take the power back into his hands like a … man!

  ‘Alright, I’m going now,’ he got up to leave.

  ‘You might want to tell her that those shorts are getting shorter by the day and that doesn’t bode well for the kingdom,’ Akbar called out, not taking his eyes off the binoculars as the other two heartily agreed.

  ‘Stop it, already, you lecherous fools!’ Manav tapped off their binoculars as he made his way down from the roof.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ Manav said casually as he jogged up to where Rhea was waiting for him.

  ‘Hey! What happened? I called and texted and you didn’t answer. Everything okay? I was worried,’ Rhea was full of questions today. Also, what’s up with people texting when someone wasn’t answering their calls? How was that going to achieve anything?

  ‘Yeah, let’s go,’ he said between gasps and led the way to the dorm.

  Rhea was understandably put off by Manav’s newfound nonchalance but it had a way of keeping her curiosity alive, thereby buffering any damage to her ego. Manav, on the other hand, was loving this role reversal. It had only been a few hours since he had switched avatars and he already had her under his thumb. Wait till he had given her the complete Jha experience. She’d be begging for more.

  ‘Come on, let’s go,’ he said as they neared the boys’ dorm. Rhea looked hesitant. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve paid the watchman to stay away,’ he said like a total Prince Charming.

  Rhea followed him inside though every ounce of good judgment told her not to. Once they were in his room, Manav was extra indifferent.

  ‘Well?’ Rhea said.

  ‘Well, what?’

  ‘You asked me to come to your room so we could talk,’ Rhea said.

  ‘No, I believe you asked me if I wanted to talk and my words were “Not sure, not now anyway”.’

  ‘Manav, that’s a technicality …’ Rhea was beginning to get infuriated with this new passive-aggressive side to Manav.

  But Manav was angrier. ‘Really? Like Half Boyfriend? And Best Friend?’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Rhea sighed in exasperation. ‘Don’t tell me we’re having that conversation again.’

  This really upset Manav for some reason because it made him pounce on her and kiss her. And not in an affectionate manner. ‘You don’t want to talk? Fine by me.’

  Rhea who was beyo
nd upset, angry and disgusted by now, pushed him away and tried to keep her voice down as she spoke. ‘Manav! What the fuck! What has gotten into you!’

  ‘Nothing,’ he smiled villainously. ‘Just beating you at your own game.’ Rhea looked confused but Manav went on. ‘I am so sick and tired of trying to win your affection the right way. Do you have any idea what kind of things I’ve done for you? I am not a loser. I lied about it to get your attention and made a fool of myself before the entire college …’

  ‘WHAT,’ Rhea snapped. She clearly hadn’t noticed that he had been speaking decent English for a long time now.

  ‘You humiliated my mother who wanted nothing more than to welcome you as my bride. You rejected the honour of ruling a kingdom for … what? Wearing indecently short skirts and kissing spoilt brats like Ro in full view?’ Manav took slow, menacing steps toward her as he spoke.

  Rhea couldn’t say anything anymore. She was alone in a room with a psychopath and her only thoughts were now on how to escape.

  ‘All you English types are the same,’ he spat. ‘Yank a guy around by giving him all kinds of fake titles so you can get what you want—all the while, fooling around with losers driving Bentleys. Well, it’s time I get what I want …’

  Rhea wanted to scream but Manav had grabbed her and pressed her against the wall. She was too scared to do anything that would upset him now.

  ‘I am done being your best friend and your half or three-fourth or quarter boyfriend. You want me, you prove it to me. Sleep with me. Right now!’

  ‘This is the moment,’ Manav thought in his head. ‘Now is when she’s going to beg me to take her.’ He had finally learnt what women found sexy—a guy who didn’t give a shit about consent.

  That’s why a few seconds later, when Rhea broke free from his grip and ran out of the room terrified and disgusted, he was back to square one wondering where he had gone wrong. Women!

  18