Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  Short Version: Fast-forward to a year later. The heroine fails at getting a restraining order (because, prince) and settles for a fake wedding instead.

  A whole year went by with Rhea ignoring Manav and the latter facing the bitter truth that growing a beard, singing bad songs and looking mournful didn’t in fact bring the girl back. Why didn’t she have the bastard expelled and put behind bars, you ask? Well, she did try to get a restraining order but her lawyer advised her against it as it would make things ‘more complicated.’ He was a prince, after all, and if there were cows at her gate on the eve of her birthday, there were no guarantees that his mother wouldn’t have an army invading their college the next day. Alright, maybe an army was a stretch. But a herd of bison was highly possible and would have had the same effect.

  During this time, Rhea’s family was understandably paranoid about sending their daughter to college without a chaperone. They were liberal enough for Indian parents but they drew the line at obsessive-psychotic-delusional prince. So Kiran stepped in and promised to never let Rhea out of sight. Except when they had different classes maybe. This helped because Kiran was trained at various forms of martial arts and Manav wasn’t. He was more accustomed to whistling and calling for help and since this wasn’t his village, no one usually came to his rescue.

  ‘You need to tell me what’s going on with you,’ Kiran insisted on their way to class one day. Rhea had been unusually quiet, almost depressed and it was bothering her. Ever since ‘the incident,’ Rhea had become withdrawn and prone to jumpiness at the slightest unusual sight or sound. Her therapist had pronounced her depressed and though she had been under treatment for a few months, recovery was proving to be a long process. Seeing Manav walk freely around the same campus every day drove her over the edge at times but she refused to talk about it. So Kiran chalked it down to old fears.

  ‘He tried to talk to me,’ Rhea said after some time.

  ‘He did what?!’ Kiran went ballistic. ‘How dare he! I will break the bastard’s teeth.’

  ‘Wait … there’s more,’ Rhea said without making eye contact.

  ‘What? What did you do? Please tell me you didn’t actually sit and talk to him?’ Kiran knew Rhea only too well.

  ‘No, worse. I think I believe him when he says he just didn’t know any better. I mean, Kiran, check it out—he’s a prince of a place we haven’t even heard of. They still have human sacrifices there. Imagine what a culture shock this must be for him. Taking that into consideration, I actually think he was doing quite well …’

  Kiran was speechless.

  ‘So, while I feel sorry for him, I still need to get away from him and I can’t do that if I’m in this college. So you have to help me.’ Rhea shook Kiran’s arms as if jolting her from a daydream. ‘Are you listening to me?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Kiran after a few seconds. She was relieved Rhea wanted to get away from him. That was more than what she had hoped for. ‘What do you need me to do?’

  ‘I have to get Manav to think I’m getting married and leaving the country.’

  ‘Married? Who on earth to?’

  ‘Ro,’ said Rhea with a much-needed twinkle in her eye.

  Kiran, Ro and Rhea’s parents had to admit that this was the best idea Rhea had had since she met Manav. But the family astrologer didn’t agree. He had a smirk on the whole time the fake wedding plans were underway at the Somany house.

  ‘What is it?’ Kiran snapped at the astrologer. ‘What do you know this time that we don’t?’

  ‘Nothing, nothing. Fate has a way of working itself out,’ he said cryptically.

  ‘Look, if you want to be helpful, tell us what it is. Or just leave and smirk at someone else.’ Kiran had had it up to her neck with this man and his stupid ancient prophecy that said Manav would be Rhea’s undoing. She didn’t believe in stuff like fate or prophecies though she had to admit that this man had been so accurate so many times, it was spooky and unnerving.

  ‘Okay, but you’re not going to like it,’ said the astrologer seriously. ‘No matter what you do to get away from him, he will keep coming after Rhea. The only way to make it stop is to surrender. And then you win.’

  ‘What?’ they all said in unison. ‘What do you mean surrender? You want Rhea to marry him? What are you talking about?’ Rhea’s mother was not pleased with this news because she trusted the astrologer’s predictions more than she trusted her own gut.

  ‘Like I said—you can’t stop acting in the present because you know what the future is going to be. You have to do what you have to do.’ And with that last totally helpful contribution, the astrologer left the house shaking his head sadly and yet somewhat proud that he had been spot on about this girl once again.

  ‘So, what now?’ asked Ro. ‘How are we doing this?’

  ‘We are going to have a wedding alright,’ Rhea’s father said. ‘And it has to be real.’

  ‘What!’ Rhea cried. This plan was getting out of hand.

  ‘No, we are not dealing with some garden-variety stalker. We are dealing with an obsessive psychopath who is also politically connected. We can’t fool him with a fake wedding.’

  Her father was right. It would take a lot more than a wedding card to convince Manav that she was moving on. He’d definitely track and pull out official documents to see if all the facts aligned.

  ‘I know it’s a lot to ask of Ro.’ Mr Somany was being understanding.

  ‘We can always get divorced later!’ Rhea offered.

  ‘Hey, anything for you!’ Ro said. After all, that’s what friends are for, aren’t they? To fake-marry you whenever you need them to?

  ‘But what happens after they get married?’ Kiran wanted to know. What was the point of all this if Manav had access to Rhea? He would just continue to stalk her.

  ‘We can move to London and live with my mom,’ Ro said. As convenience would have it, Ro’s mom (who was no longer married to his dad) lived in London. ‘You could probably pursue your music too while you’re there and we get rid of this psycho problem once and for all, eh?’

  Rhea’s eyes widened. She couldn’t believe how well this had worked out. ‘Oh my God! I love you!’ she said, throwing her arms around Ro. Ro felt his chest come out but he cautioned himself to not get too excited as this was only a real-fake wedding.

  ‘Wow, that almost looked real,’ Kiran said and everybody laughed and agreed that the astrologer had no idea what he was talking about. And with that the wedding preparations were underway and within a week, Rhea would be able to break the news to Manav.

  ‘When you tell Manav, make sure you don’t sound too happy about it,’ Mrs Somany had watched India’s only stalker movie Darr too many times and was worried for her daughter’s safety. Also, Ro’s.

  ‘Yes, but don’t be too sad either,’ Rhea’s father said. ‘We don’t want him to think you’re being forced to marry Ro because then he might attempt to rescue you.’

  ‘Oh dear God,’ sighed Rhea.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ll wing it,’ said Ro. ‘And if something goes wrong, we’ll be hiding behind the bushes, pepper spray in hand.’

  Rhea felt so loved and protected this very moment. She couldn’t believe she had cut these people out of her life for a complete stranger. And while she still couldn’t help feeling sorry for Manav (Messiah complexes are quite complex), she had never been more convinced that she was doing the right thing.

  19

  Short Version: The hero gets invited to his true love’s wedding. The rest of the chapter goes away in a sad song.

  Manav couldn’t believe the kind of day he was having. First, he was woken up by a pigeon that had been cooing incessantly just outside his window. It was even pressing its beak against the window like it was trying to get in. His mother had always said that when a pigeon did that, it meant that the universe was sending big news your way. But of course, Manav couldn’t care about big news if it meant being woken up earlier than 11 a.m. on a Saturday. But when he finally got out
of bed and got dressed, he noticed that the pigeon had flown away. As if the whole point of all that cooing was to just get him out of bed. Annoyed but a touch curious, Manav stepped out of his dorm to see if there was news waiting to happen. And there it was—Rhea’s car pulling up in the parking lot. What could she possibly be doing in college on a Saturday morning? It’s a good thing he was dressed. He’d just have to pretend to run into her to find out. He said a quick thank you to the pigeon and made his way to the cafeteria, which was just outside the parking lot. She couldn’t miss him.

  ‘Hey! Manav!’ Rhea said as Manav pretended not to notice her.

  ‘Oh … hey!’ he managed to appear surprised.

  ‘I was just coming in to see you,’ Rhea smiled.

  Now he was really surprised. ‘Really? How come?’ His heartbeat began to pick up momentum. ‘Thank you, pigeon,’ he whispered in his heart. This was it—his big news. And she looked happy! Happier than he’d seen her in a long time. Perhaps she was going to tell him that she finally understood. That she loved him too.

  Rhea smiled. ‘You want to go get a coffee?’ She pointed at the cafeteria. She wanted to be in as public a place as possible when she gave him the news.

  Manav nodded and skipped inside merrily, not knowing that he was about to run out of his quota of happiness for the year in a few seconds.

  ‘So, Manav,’ Rhea said, making sustained eye contact. It had a way of cushioning the blow. ‘I have news.’

  ‘I know,’ Manav blurted out in excitement and quickly realized what he had done going by the shock on Rhea’s face. ‘No, no, I meant …’ Well he certainly couldn’t tell her about the pigeon. So he went with, ‘You just look so happy after such a long time.’

  ‘Yes,’ Rhea smiled in relief. For a second she thought he had known about the wedding. ‘But before that, I just want to say, that whatever has happened between us, I’d like to put it all behind us.’

  Manav nodded, keeping his smile on though he wasn’t sure what she meant. This was sounding a bit too good to be true and his stalker senses were tingling.

  ‘I know that you did what you did because you just didn’t know any better. And I want you to know that I forgive you,’ she said and Manav smiled, his heart full. But he couldn’t help feeling that there was more to her ‘news.’

  ‘But Manav, I need to move on. And so do you …’

  ‘Wait, wait, no … what are you saying?’ he interrupted.

  ‘I’m getting married.’ She figured a blunt delivery was the best way to go. ‘To Ro. And I’ve discontinued college. It’s the best thing for me right now. I’m going away to London and it would be a good thing for my music too.’

  Manav hated how much sense this was making. How could he have not seen this coming? Maybe because he was quite sure that smart, urban women from progressive families like Rhea’s simply don’t marry that early. And discontinue college at that. He had to admit, he had been outsmarted. By Ro. But his rage began to subside as Rhea held his hand in hers.

  ‘I know this isn’t easy for you,’ she said. ‘But if you want me to be happy, Manav—I mean, really happy—you have to let me go.’ And with that, she pulled out a chic red wedding invite from her bag and placed it in his hand. ‘I’d understand if you don’t show up but it would really, really mean a lot to me to see you there on my big day.’

  Manav just sat there, frozen and looking right through her. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even nod. And just like that, Rhea was gone. From the cafeteria and his life. Forever.

  ‘Fuck you, pigeon,’ he said in his heart.

  Manav spent the rest of the day sitting in the exact same spot in the cafeteria. He couldn’t stop his head from replaying every moment he had had with Rhea. Sweet unmarried Rhea. His eyes welled up as he fondly remembered the first time he had accidentally run into her on purpose, had his friends stalk her for him, their fake English classes, the time he kissed her without her consent at the basketball court, the bridal shower his mother had lovingly sent her, the time he cut off the college’s power supply just to trap her into talking to him, the time he stalked her again with his friends and played hard-to-get, and of course, the time he lured her into his dorm, grabbed her again without her consent and told her to either sleep with him or get the fuck out of his life. Such precious memories. He had no idea how to move on when he still had these memories stuck in his head, haunting him. Besides, Rhea had asked him to let her be happy. And that was a promise he intended keeping because as far as he was concerned, Rhea couldn’t be happy without him. She just didn’t know this yet. But Manav knew that any move on his part now would be the wrong one. He had to play the long game. And he was willing to do anything to have her … err, save her. Suddenly, Manav knew exactly what he was going to do.

  ‘What? You’re discontinuing college?’ The boys gasped as they heard the news. ‘All for that … slut?’ said Anthony, who was seriously under the impression that ‘slut’ meant a girl who slept with anyone other than the person using the word.

  Manav sighed. ‘It’s hard to explain. But I don’t see any point in sticking around here. I must go to my village and spend some time with my mother before I’m ready to pursue Rhea again. And this time, I’d have to be seriously strategic.’

  ‘You’re going back to the village?’ Amar gasped. He was worried this meant no more free tuition and medical insurance.

  ‘I’m going to miss you guys. You’ve been like brothers to me.’ And with a group hug, the four of them promised to always keep in touch and always be committed to reuniting Rhea with Manav. Manav additionally promised to keep paying for them.

  Now the boys finally started sobbing as they realized this was the end of an era. This meant that without their hero, they would have no choice but to up their performance in college, build a career, travel the world, find their own love stories and be the heroes of their own lives. How unimaginably tragic.

  20

  Short Version: After the unsuccessful attempt to blend in with urban life, the hero returns home and embraces who he really is: Mamma’s Boy.

  Manav and the evil queen had a lot of catching up to do. And finally, Manav could find it in him to forgive her. Actually, he had never questioned her intentions for a second, so it wasn’t forgiveness, really. Just that he had been afraid to involve her in his plans because of how much trouble he got into, the last time his mother decided to help. The evil queen on the other hand, had no regrets. She knew exactly the kind of consequences her actions would have and she was prepared for her son to respond exactly the way he did. She had learnt to take the good with the bad. If it meant getting rid of this girl whom he was so intent on believing was the ‘future queen,’ then yes, she could go a few more months without talking to her son. It would be worth it.

  What didn’t make sense was the fact that he was still hung up on her. She had to admit she wasn’t prepared for this. Her son was talking about playing the long game. He was actually willing to wait three whole years if that’s how long it would take to win her over and—she couldn’t complete the sentence even in her head—make her queen! Something had changed in Manav and she was determined to set him right again. She had to bring back her sweet, innocent boy who wanted nothing more than to gaze into his mother’s face all day.

  ‘So I need to find my own life during this time,’ Manav said to the evil queen. ‘Let me handle the affairs of the kingdom. That should keep me busy while I wait for Rhea and will give you some much-needed rest. How does that sound?’

  The evil queen wanted to laugh her heart out at her son’s adorably naïve suggestion but she restrained herself. She knew only too well that mockery was never the way to a man’s heart. Nay, she shall humour him with the easiest jobs (ones that were already taken care of) so he could feel important. ‘I’m so relieved to hear you say that, beta,’ she said with affectionate, motherly eyes. ‘It’s been so difficult doing everything by myself. The village school requires toilets and the only
way we can make this happen is if you would speak to your rich friends and convince them to help out.’ Then as a welcome-back gesture, the evil queen told Manav a long story about how it was next to impossible to get this done unless he, the English-speaking urban prince, intervened.

  Manav was beyond moved. ‘Of course, mother. Anything for you and the kingdom.’

  ‘Once this is done, I swear, I will help you get Rhea back. But don’t worry, I won’t send her anything without your permission,’ smiled the evil queen. Right now, the only thing she was focused on was winning her son’s heart again.

  Later that week, Manav took a tour of the village and identified all the areas that required his princely touch. The school was in embarrassing shape. And it was going to be his first job as prince to restore it—not just the toilets but the general infrastructure and quality of education. He felt the weight of the crown as he came face to face with the reality of rural life—the subhuman living conditions, the corrupt government, the less than adequate healthcare and the lack of a functional education system. It was appalling to see how no one had ever thought of doing anything about this. Manav’s mind automatically scanned the possibilities: Bollywood films could be made with scenes of poverty—he could star in it himself as the rich millonairrr with the bad english, entire elections could be rigged by slipping in some throwaway cash and some biryani, kidneys could be Hood Robinned (taken from the poor and sold to the rich) textbooks could be manipulated to talk about the greatness of his family dynasty and the statues they had built, statues themselves could be built—there was so much to do and it was all left to … his poor mother! His old lady was only getting older and she needed him to have a truly beautiful queen now more than ever. A hot wife is a must for all social occasions. Especially one with the tingly voice that can get contracts signed and fine print overlooked. That sealed it. He couldn’t take his own sweet time with Rhea like he had thought after all. He was going to have to come up with a brand new strategy. No, not the boyish games he had indulged in all of last year. This had to be hardcore. If he had to find a way to win Rhea back without her ever knowing that he was winning her back, it had to be the stuff of espionage movies.