While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  “Good morning, Miss Winthrop,” she said, nodding and turning back to her work.

  Ellie came alongside her with the cart and began her preparations for this round of dressing changes. She was aware of Ellie’s every move and couldn’t help but steal glances now and then—at Ellie’s smile, her incredible eyes, her hands as they gently assisted with the bandages and soothed the wounded men.

  “Sister Lennox?”

  Johanna jerked and felt her face heat as she realized she’d been caught staring at Ellie’s hands. “Aye, uh, hand me those scissors.”

  Ellie complied and didn’t say another word until they finished on that side of the ward, leaving Johanna to contemplate her own strange behavior. What in the devil is the matter with me?

  After handing off the full bin of soiled bandages to one of the volunteers and replenishing the cart, Ellie rejoined her and broke the silence. “May I ask why you ran off last night? I had hoped to introduce you to my friend, but she couldn’t stay.”

  “I was tired,” Johanna said, her voice a bit too sharp. Cringing inwardly, she softened her tone. “That was your friend, then?”

  “Yes, a family friend. Anna was betrothed to my cousin Charlie, and we joined up together after he was killed. She’s living the dangerous life of an ambulance driver, so it was a blessing to see her safe and well. She’s such a strong person—even two years ago, it would have been unheard of for a woman to drive an ambulance, never mind in a war zone.”

  Johanna nodded, feeling like a fool, unable for the life of her to understand why she’d reacted as she had. “I’m sorry about your cousin,” she said.

  “Thank you,” Ellie said, then seemed to study Johanna intently, head cocked to the side. “Are you quite all right this morning? You seem…out of sorts.”

  Johanna’s face heated once again, much to her annoyance. “Aye, I’m fine. We’d best finish up rounds before Dr. Samuel comes through.”

  “Yes, Sister.” Ellie’s hand on her sleeve stopped Johanna cold. “I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten our conversation from last night, or why the holidays are difficult for you. I’m happy to listen if you ever need to talk.”

  Johanna swallowed hard against the sudden lump in her throat and dared to meet Ellie’s eyes. She saw genuine compassion in them, and when Ellie smiled, Johanna knew that despite her tendency to avoid personal connections, she very much wanted to accept the friendship being offered.

  “That’s very kind, Miss Winthrop. Thank you. Shall we carry on?”

  Ellie removed her hand and nodded, her blue eyes sparkling as she smiled. “Of course.”

  * * *

  Alternating schedules meant Ellie used to have the hut mostly to herself on any given night, but now that had changed. Daisy and Mary moved to the day shift, so bedtime in the little hut was much too crowded when Ellie needed quiet time to decompress from the day’s stress. Tonight the girls were giggly, as if they were at an adolescent sleepover, and Ellie was getting annoyed. She feigned sleep, not wanting to get pulled into their conversation.

  “He told me about his home in Yorkshire,” Mary was saying, “and he invited me to visit once we all get home. Do you think he really fancies me?”

  “Yes, he certainly seems keen on winning your affections,” Daisy replied.

  “He asked me to meet him tomorrow night,” Mary whispered. “He has to go back to his unit in two days and wants us to have some private time before he leaves. I think he wants to kiss me.”

  “That and more, I’m guessing. What will you do if he, you know…”

  “He’s going back to the war and could be dead in a week,” Mary said, her voice quavering. “If he needs me to comfort him, I expect I will.”

  “Shh! Mary, you mustn’t get caught. You’d be in big trouble, and so would he.” There were muffled movements followed by several beats of silence, then more whispering.

  “Do you think she’s really asleep?”

  “You’d better hope so. You know she’s got Sister Lennox’s ear. I bet she’d tell.”

  They settled down after that and eventually fell asleep. Ellie lay awake, thinking about Daisy’s words. Daisy had her pegged all wrong—she wasn’t a tattletale or a gossip. Mary’s choices were her own, as were the consequences. But what did she mean about having Sister Lennox’s ear? She tossed the question around in her mind for a while, but sleep claimed her before she could think of an answer.

  Her belly trembled with anticipation as she waited in the shadows of the orchard, the moonlight bathing the grounds in a bluish glow. This rendezvous was foolish and bold, but she didn’t care. A symphony of night sounds surrounded her, and she closed her eyes, willing her heartbeat to calm.

  “Ellie.”

  The voice of her dreams spoke quietly behind her, and gentle hands touched her shoulders. Though the air was cool, her body ignited at the first touch of lips on her neck. One arm came around her waist, pulling her close as the lips kissed and caressed her exposed skin, while the other hand slid down to cup her breast.

  Ellie moaned and dropped her head back onto her lover’s shoulder, reaching up to tangle her fingers in soft dark curls. “I need to kiss you,” she said. Turning around, she traced her fingertips slowly along soft pale cheeks and full lips as she gazed into eyes the color of storm clouds. “Kiss me, Johanna.”

  Ellie jerked awake, her body pulsing. She peered through the darkness, disoriented, for she could still smell the fragrance of her orchard at home, even as her eyes saw the walls of her hut in France. She felt as she had when she’d read Rose Talbot’s book, but the throbbing down low was much stronger. Ellie pressed her hand between her legs and gasped as snippets of her dream floated across her consciousness, giving her glimpses of a beautiful, familiar face.

  Oh my God.

  The next day, Ellie felt as if every single person could read her thoughts, and she was deeply embarrassed. Her unease increased tenfold when Sister Lennox was around, which of course was often. She’d come to the conclusion that Daisy and Mary’s conversation the night before, combined with her close working proximity to Sister Lennox and simple exhaustion, led her mind to concoct such a convoluted dream, because any other explanation was utter craziness…wasn’t it? It didn’t help matters that the almost-kiss of her dream stayed stubbornly in the forefront of her mind.

  Ellie prided herself on her ability to handle difficult situations with relative aplomb, yet today, her nerves were getting the best of her. After she dropped the scissors for the third time during rounds, Sister Lennox sighed in exasperation.

  “Miss Winthrop, you certainly have butterfingers today. What’s got you so jittery?”

  You. My crazy, beautiful dream of you. “I’m sorry, Sister. It’s just…the cold. My fingers are stiff.”

  “Ah. Well, keep a hot water bottle handy and warm them whenever you get the chance. I need those hands of yours.”

  Ellie felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Pull yourself together, for God’s sake. “Right, I’ll do that. Thank you.”

  Johanna looked at her, eyebrow raised, for a few interminable seconds, then went back to her work.

  Somewhere in the recesses of her exhausted mind, Johanna filed away some unnerving observations. Ellie Winthrop had been acting rather odd lately, as if she was nervous or embarrassed in Johanna’s company. Over the past few months, Ellie had become a confident and efficient assistant on the ward and a leader among the other volunteers—in fact, Johanna relied on her a great deal. But in the last couple of days, the energy between them had shifted. She was acutely aware of Ellie when they were together, and even more so of her absence when they weren’t. Was Ellie feeling the same?

  One thing Johanna did know was that in this chaotic and emotionally painful existence, Ellie was a mainstay of calm compassion, a bright light in the dark. The steady stream of wounded men and their dire needs occupied most of Johanna’s waking moments, leaving her little time or energy to contemplate her own jumbled feelings. All she k
new for sure was that Ellie was a blessing.

  Chapter Eight

  Late March 1916

  They had made it through the worst of the winter, though not without cost. Many of the hospital staff suffered from chilblains on their feet, as it was impossible to truly get warm, and their hands were stiff and cracked. Still, they were far better off than the Tommies, who’d been losing parts to frostbite nearly as often as shrapnel these last weeks. As Ellie walked to the hospital from her quarters, she could almost imagine the warmth of spring in the air. Mack, one of the orderlies she worked with regularly, stopped her.

  “Miss Winthrop, Matron Campbell has called a meeting,” he said, “over there.” Every available VAD and orderly stood along the outer wooden wall of Ward B, and she and Mack took their places among them.

  “As you know,” Matron began, “pneumonia and rheumatism have been on the rise. We’re down four nurses, five orderlies, and eight volunteers to illness. I’ve asked for additional staff, but until then, we’ll need to be working as efficiently as possible, round the clock. Beginning tomorrow, Sister Martin will be the daytime charge nurse for Surgical Wards A and B, and Sister Lennox will be in charge at night. They will be adjusting your shifts, and you will take any concerns immediately to them. I will oversee the facial and eye injury wards, and Sister Cameron has the infectious disease and gas wards. We are expecting an ambulance train tonight and must be sure all necessary items are readily at hand. That is all—you may return to your duties.”

  As Ellie turned to leave, Matron called, “Miss Winthrop, just a moment. You have a telegram.”

  She froze, staring at Matron Campbell as fear took hold. Telegrams were for bad news, weren’t they? Oh God, was it her parents? Theo? She took the slip of paper from Matron’s hand with a nod and slowly opened it, her fingers trembling.

  Hallo, Sis. Joined the RAMC just after Christmas. Heading to France next week with a field ambulance transport unit. Not cavalry, but still lots of horses. If near Boulogne, will send message. Be safe. Your Loving Brother, Lt. Theodore Winthrop

  Relief and worry warred in Ellie’s head. Maybe he wouldn’t be stuck in a trench, but he’d still be in danger. Nowhere here could be safe enough.

  “Is everything all right, lass?”

  Matron Campbell had stayed nearby and was looking at her with concern. Ellie was touched by her kindness. She smiled and shrugged, her eyes moist.

  “I hope and pray that it will be, Matron. My little brother has joined the war.”

  * * *

  Ellie could feel Johanna’s eyes on her as they changed the dressing on Private Smith’s leg wound. She’d been picturing Theo in the face of every young soldier all morning, and it was playing on her emotional state.

  “Something the matter?” Johanna murmured.

  She glanced at Johanna and saw concern in her eyes. She wanted to confide in her—they’d spoken some about their families, and she’d told Johanna about Theo—but she felt guilty focusing on him when she was surrounded by so many other brothers, fathers, and sons.

  She managed a small smile. “I’m fine.” Johanna’s expression told Ellie she wasn’t convinced. Later that afternoon, Johanna pulled her aside in the dispensary.

  “You’ve hardly been yourself all day. What is it? Can I help?”

  Ellie threw up her hands and the words came tumbling out. “My brother joined up with the medical corps. He’s probably on his way to a field ambulance unit somewhere. Clever devil found a way to incorporate his two great loves, horses and driving motor cars. But he’s barely eighteen and a lieutenant—how in the world will he manage to lead men when he can’t even remember to remove his muddy boots in the house?”

  “Don’t fash, Ellie. It will do you no good, nor him. It’s a blessing that he’s not a foot soldier.”

  By now Ellie was pacing. “But how can I not? Anything can happen in this godforsaken place.” Her voice hitched, and Johanna put a hand on her shoulder to still her. She leaned into Johanna—they spent every day comforting their patients, but it had been a long time since she’d felt the soothing touch of another person. Johanna had softened considerably lately, at least toward her, and she was the only person Ellie wanted to be near when it all got to be too much. Just now, Johanna’s kindness threatened to undo her, and she felt her eyes burn with tears. “I’m sorry. You’re right, of course. Worrying changes nothing.”

  “No need for apologies. Pray for him, and send positive thoughts his way. That’s all any of us can do.” Johanna gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and removed her hand. Ellie missed her touch immediately. “Let’s finish up and get our supper. I begin on night shift tomorrow. Since you’re the only one who tolerates my crusty Scottish charm, I’ve a mind to be selfish and schedule you with me.”

  Johanna’s smile was teasing, but her eyes held a hint of something else. Hopefulness, perhaps?

  “You are in charge, Sister Lennox,” Ellie said, standing at attention and touching her fingers to her cap in a mock salute. “But if you’re asking, I would be quite satisfied with the night shift.”

  Johanna’s smile lit the room. “Good.”

  Chapter Nine

  Two weeks later

  Johanna was damn near dead on her feet. It had been an extremely busy and difficult night, and she had just finished recounting events to Sister Martin when she was summoned to Matron’s office. The door was ajar, so she knocked on the frame.

  “Sister Lennox, please come in,” Matron said.

  “Good morning, Matron,” Johanna said, stifling a yawn.

  “Do sit down. I’m afraid I have some distressing news, lass.”

  Johanna felt an uncomfortable prickle at the back of her neck. “What is it?”

  Matron took a deep breath and hesitated, and Johanna knew then that something terrible had happened. “A few days ago, German airships bombed Edinburgh and Leith, killing several citizens. The War Office sent this message to you.”

  Johanna couldn’t move. After a moment, Matron said, “Shall I read it?” Johanna nodded, but she already knew.

  “We regret to inform you that on April 2nd, the evening of the German bombardment of Edinburgh, Mrs. Elizabeth Lennox died due to heart failure, likely brought on by the shock of the event…”

  Matron’s voice faded as a strange sort of buzzing sounded in Johanna’s ears. She closed her eyes and tried to conjure the face she’d never see again. Mam was dead. Hands on her shoulders roused her, and she met the tear-filled eyes of Matron Campbell.

  “Johanna, lass, I’m so very sorry. I’ve already arranged leave so we can get you home. Can you be ready in an hour?” Johanna nodded, but she was numb, too shocked even to cry. When she stood up, she felt off-kilter, as if she was on the deck of a boat in choppy seas. Matron took her arm to steady her, and they went together to Johanna’s quarters.

  “I’ve requested two weeks’ leave, but if you need more time, please contact me,” Matron said, as Johanna threw her few pieces of civilian clothing in her case. “I’m so terribly sorry, Johanna. Do take care.”

  “Thank you, Matron,” she said, her own voice sounding distant and foreign.

  She didn’t really recall the drive to the station, nor much about her journey back to Scotland. She slept some, exhausted as she was, but her waking moments were filled with images of her mother, Da, and Duncan, too. Her entire family was gone. What was she to do now?

  * * *

  It was raining heavily when Ellie awoke, so she stayed in her quarters for a while, writing a letter to her parents. She’d been away from home less than six months, but it felt like an eternity. She indulged—or perhaps tortured—herself with images of her comfortable bed, her favorite chair in Papa’s library, Cook’s wonderful meals, even Mother’s nagging that she hated so much. She could almost smell her mother’s rose-scented perfume and the fragrant smoke from Papa’s pipe. Her thoughts turned to Theo, riding Samson, his beloved chestnut stallion, or covered head to toe in mud from a rugby scrum with hi
s mates, or his cheeky grin when he’d snatch the bacon off her breakfast plate. Now misty-eyed, she shook her head, put on her shoes and mackintosh, and headed to the hospital. Better to be useful than sit about wallowing in nostalgia.

  She stopped in the mess tent to have a bite and looked around for Johanna. She wasn’t there—hopefully she was still asleep, for last night had been dreadfully taxing. Ellie wasn’t due to start her shift for a while yet, so she went into the ward to offer her letter-writing services to some of the more incapacitated men. Sean, a redheaded Irish boy, eagerly took her up on it, and she spent a good half-hour writing to his mum and fiancée. At the far end of the ward, she noticed Matron had come in and was speaking quietly to Sisters Martin and Cameron. She looked rather grim, and Ellie felt a shiver of unease crawl down her spine.

  At the shift change, she went to the dispensary to gather the bandages they’d need to change the men’s dressings. She so enjoyed assisting Johanna with this work—Johanna was an expert at dressing wounds and was always willing to teach little tidbits and tricks as they worked. When she returned to the ward, Sister Cameron was still there, but no Johanna.

  “Ah, Winthrop, come on, then. We’ll begin over here with this leg.”

  “Yes, Sister.” Ellie brought over her bundle of supplies and gathered the soiled bandages as the nurse removed them. They tended to four patients before her curiosity got the best of her.

  “Sister Cameron, forgive me, but where is Sister Lennox?”

  She looked at Ellie sharply, as if she’d spoken out of turn. “Gone on leave, Matron said. Family emergency or some such. I’ll be in charge now.”

  “Yes, Sister.” They finished their rounds, but Ellie’s stomach was knotted with worry. Johanna had only spoken of her mother back home—perhaps she had taken ill. Ellie went about her duties, but concern weighed heavily on her mind.

  Private Williams, a cheerful and talkative chap, called her to him. In a loud whisper, he said, “What’s got you so gloomy, Sister Sunshine?”