While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  She shushed him and smiled, hoping Sister Cameron hadn’t heard. She wasn’t particularly tolerant of VADs in her ward and tended to treat them like servants. She would throw a bloody fit if she heard Ellie addressed by a title she had not earned.

  “Stop calling me that, Private. You know I’m a volunteer.” She pointed to her blue and white uniform. “See? No scarlet cape, no medal.”

  “I’ll take you over her any day,” he said, inclining his head toward Sister Cameron. “She’s too much like my mum, and a crustier woman never lived.”

  Ellie shook a chastising finger at him but couldn’t quite stifle a giggle. “Thanks for asking, but I’m fine.” She straightened his blanket and moved on, resolving to put her concerns aside and be as upbeat as she could for the patients. She’d have time to worry about Johanna later.

  She’d have many days, as it turned out. Ellie missed Johanna, and it wasn’t just because she had to work with the pinch-faced taskmaster, Sister Cameron. It was really quite strange, surrounded as she was by dozens of people, but with Johanna gone, she felt alone. Maybe this place was beginning to drive her mad.

  Ellie wanted so badly to know what had happened, but she felt it wasn’t her place to ask Matron Campbell. She’d just have to wait until Johanna came back. Then the thought occurred to her—what if Johanna didn’t come back? What if her family emergency kept her home for good? Such a distressing possibility made her stomach lurch.

  A dozen new arrivals and rounds with Sister Cameron kept Ellie too busy to contemplate her feelings until later, when she lay in her bed, exhausted but too anxious to fall asleep. She thought of Johanna, of her beautiful face and the blue-gray eyes that telegraphed a vulnerability she tried so desperately to hide.

  It’s perfectly understandable that I should want to support her, to care for her—is that not what friends do? Yes, of course it is. I did the same for Anna when she was in need.

  Lying there, she became aware that what her head was telling her and what her heart was feeling were two different things. She cared for Johanna, inexplicably, in a way she’d never cared for another. How could that be? Perhaps the intense bond she felt was due to this war, to the trauma of all they’d experienced together. This was a radically different reality to anything she’d known before, so it only made sense that her feelings would be different as well. As sleep finally claimed her, she convinced herself she’d found the answer, or at least one that made some sense.

  Chapter Ten

  Five days. That’s all it had taken for Johanna to pack away a life. It had been a shock to see the bomb-damaged building right next to her mother’s home. The tenement on Marshall Street had seemed so very small when she went inside, the two rooms spare. Her mother’s few possessions lay strewn about, some broken on the floor, and a layer of dust covered everything. Mam had sacrificed so much, had done everything she could to push Johanna on to a career, a better life.

  “You’ll not live in this place and work your fingers to the bone with nary to show for it,” she’d said. “Your da and I, we’re simple people—we chose to stick with what we knew. But you, my lovely, you are destined for greater things.”

  Johanna had been away for over two years, studying nursing and earning her living, but she never dreamed she’d miss the last years of her mother’s life. How frightened Mam must have been, alone in the night when the bombs fell. Such thoughts had been Johanna’s undoing these last days, but she could no longer wallow in her grief. This was not home with her family gone. She had nowhere else to go but back to France.

  On the journey to Boulogne, a million thoughts and images crashed around in her head, but one kept coming to the forefront…Ellie. She’d missed her, needed her calming presence more than once as she dealt with her mother’s death alone. As much as she craved being near her, her head was telling her not to get close to another person, someone who would inevitably leave. All the loss she’d experienced, personally and professionally, felt like a millstone around her neck, weighing her down.

  At the station, Johanna secured a ride on a motor ambulance bringing wounded to the hospital, and she asked a stretcher bearer for news.

  “Men are still being injured or killed by the thousands, with no end in sight,” he said, his voice resigned and bitter. “I’ve carried more men than lived in my entire village—it’s madness.”

  Johanna patted his shoulder. “You’re doing good work, Private. For all those men, I give you my thanks.”

  The young man nodded and looked away. Johanna’s chest ached at the senseless brutality of it all, and she thought of the shell shock cases, men whose minds had shattered under the strain of fear. Maybe when it came down to it, death was a welcome escape. Such a thought was enticing in her present melancholy mood, but Johanna knew it wasn’t the answer. Mam had always said that life was lived one step at a time, and no matter what came, one only had to worry about the next step forward. Johanna hoped that her memories, and her mother’s words of wisdom, would sustain her.

  It was midafternoon when Johanna sought out Matron Campbell. She’d come back sooner than expected, and Matron was surprised to see her.

  “Sister Lennox, my goodness, why back so soon? I can’t say I’m sorry to see you—you’ve been sorely missed. How are you managing?”

  “Nothing left to be done but my duty, Matron,” Johanna said, avoiding her sympathetic gaze. She had carefully patched herself back together and would not fall prey to talk of feelings. “I will be ready to resume work at the shift change.”

  “Well, all right then, if you’re sure. You are most certainly needed. I’ll have Sister Cameron debrief you shortly. Is there anything you need, Johanna?”

  “Nae, and thank you, Matron.” She couldn’t trust her voice to say more than that, and she quickly took her leave. In her quarters, a quick change of clothes had her ready to put the last week behind her. One step at a time, Mam…I’ll do my best.

  * * *

  When Ellie saw the tall, slim figure in the center of the ward, her heart skipped a beat. She had her back to her, talking to a rather put out looking Sister Cameron, who, moments later, walked out the door. Johanna slowly turned, and when their eyes met, Johanna’s raw, pained expression hit Ellie like a blow. She had the insane desire to run and gather Johanna in her arms, to soothe away the pain that marred her lovely face. She watched as Johanna took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and nodded.

  “Miss Winthrop, would you fetch the bandages, please?”

  Ellie felt as if she’d been slapped. She was sure she’d seen her own feelings mirrored in Johanna’s eyes until that mask of indifference slammed into place. Awareness of the patients and staff all around brought Ellie to her senses. She had a job to do.

  Silence reigned as they fell into their usual rhythm. Ellie reveled in Johanna’s presence, so happy to have her back, but the space between them was tainted with awkwardness and uncertainty. Why is she so distant? What happened in Scotland to change her so? She would have to wait for answers—the war had come knocking once again.

  Orderlies and stretcher bearers burst through the door with the first of a massive batch of wounded. Sister Lennox sprang into action, triaging and delegating, and hours passed before Ellie could catch her breath. Most of the men had shrapnel wounds or trench foot, and they raced against sepsis, washing away blood and grime as soon as the nurses had cut away the soiled, foul-smelling uniforms and bloody field dressings. The bits of cloth, dirt, stone, and metal embedded in the flesh were the enemy. Wounds were washed with carbolic lotion while doctors in the operating theater debrided and repaired the torn bodies as best they could, finishing the hasty work done in the field ambulances and amputating what they couldn’t save. Body after body passed through the surgery, the five operating tables in constant use until the doctors nearly collapsed from exhaustion.

  Ellie’s feet and back were on fire, her hands so stiff she could barely grasp a bandage, yet all one could do was keep on. She thought she’d bee
n sufficiently inured to this work, but the heartache for these boys whose lives had been tragically, irreparably altered threatened to consume her, and there were sights her eyes could never unsee. Yet there was nothing to be done for it, so they all just continued, minute by minute, to meet the next greatest need. When things slowed enough for their relief to take over, the staff stumbled off for whatever rest or sustenance they could find.

  Ellie walked out into the fine spring morning and stood for a moment, relishing the warmth of the sun on her face. She was physically exhausted but too mentally worked up to sleep just yet. The sea called to her, and she answered. As soon as she reached the beach, she removed her shoes and stockings and gathered up her skirt, then walked gingerly to the water’s edge. As the seawater washed over her burning feet, she groaned aloud. She stood in the numbing cold until the throbbing pain subsided. Some minutes later, Ellie turned to find she wasn’t alone.

  * * *

  Ellie stood in the surf, head and feet bare, the sun catching the reds and golds in her hair. Johanna wanted to go to her, to apologize for being a horse’s arse earlier, before the wards had been overrun with wounded. But then what? The push and pull of her was driving Johanna crazy. How could she want to be close to this woman when she was so afraid? As her thoughts battled in her head, Ellie turned and saw her, stood for a long moment, then raised a tentative hand in greeting. Johanna couldn’t leave now.

  Ellie beckoned and began to walk away from the main path that led back to the hospital. Johanna followed her as she headed toward the cliff side, to a natural alcove of rock tucked in amidst the beach grasses. No one else was in sight.

  “I found this little hideaway last week,” Ellie said. “Sitting here watching the sea, I can pretend we’re not at war, at least for a moment or two.”

  “Ellie, I’m sorry,” Johanna said. Ellie stepped close and put a finger to her lips, shushing her.

  “The water must have called you, as it did me. Just listen to the waves.”

  As Johanna stood there, eyes closed, profound exhaustion overcame her, and she swayed on her feet. She felt a hand on her arm, steadying, calming. She opened her eyes and gazed into brilliant blue depths that she fancied could see into her soul, which both frightened and exhilarated her.

  “Are you all right?” Ellie asked.

  “Aye, I think so. Last night was rough. A week away made me soft, I reckon.”

  “Were you able to sort out your family emergency?”

  The question pierced Johanna’s heart. “Family emergency?”

  “Yes,” Ellie replied. “Sister Cameron said that’s why you were granted leave.”

  My God, no one knows. Johanna shook her head. “Edinburgh was bombed by German zeppelins nearly a fortnight ago,” she whispered. “My mother…”

  Ellie’s hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, Johanna. Was she…?”

  Johanna nodded. “She must have been so bloody scared—her heart just gave out.” Her face grew hot as all the tears she’d been holding back demanded release. She turned away, fighting for control, her eyes squeezed shut. She couldn’t look at Ellie, her beautiful face so full of compassion. She couldn’t bear it if…

  And then she was in Ellie’s arms. Ellie held her close and the dam burst. She cried and cried, for Mam and Da and Duncan, for the dead soldiers and devastated survivors, purging years of grief and pain. She buried her face in Ellie’s neck, in her soft, soft hair, and let it all go. Ellie rubbed her back and smoothed her hair, murmuring words of comfort. When Johanna could breathe, her fear found its voice.

  “I have no one left now. I’m all alone.”

  Ellie pulled back and took her face in her hands, her thumbs gently smoothing the tears away. “You have me, Johanna.”

  Johanna saw then that Ellie was crying, too, and her heart clenched painfully in her chest. “Nae, lass, I didn’t mean to distress you.” Ellie’s tears nearly shattered her.

  “Shh, shh.” Ellie leaned close and kissed Johanna’s cheek, then the other, their tears mingling.

  “Ellie.” Ellie’s eyes were full of compassion, but Johanna saw something else that drew her in. Unable to stop herself, she slid her hand through Ellie’s hair, cupping the back of her head. Ellie’s arms tightened around her, and Johanna kissed her.

  The rest of the world fell away as Johanna basked in the wonder of soft lips caressing hers, igniting a passion she’d never felt before. Need bloomed in her depths and she deepened the kiss, tracing Ellie’s bottom lip with her tongue, then plunging into her sweet mouth. Ellie welcomed her, meeting her tongue with thrusts of her own. Ellie’s hands slipped into her hair and held her there, until Johanna could scarcely breathe. When she pulled her mouth away, Ellie whimpered, and Johanna’s eyes flew open. Suddenly aware of their surroundings, she hastily scanned the beach. Had anyone seen them?

  “Oh my God,” Ellie breathed, staring at Johanna in shock, her fingers touching her swollen lips.

  What the bloody hell was I thinking? Johanna’s pulse thudded as the implications raced through her brain. She had kissed a woman, which in itself was enough for dismissal, or worse. She’d also crossed the line professionally, taking advantage of a subordinate, and putting her in jeopardy as well. Damned fool—I was so wrong to let myself need her.

  “I’m so sorry,” Johanna whispered, backing away. Ellie’s face was flushed, her eyes wide, and Johanna just couldn’t stand it.

  “Johanna,” Ellie said, reaching out, “I—”

  “Stop,” Johanna said, more forcefully than she intended. Swallowing, she tried again. “Nae, Ellie, I should not have let this happen. I’m a fool, and I’m so, so sorry.” Ignoring Ellie as she called her name, she ran back to the hospital as fast as her tortured feet would carry her.

  Chapter Eleven

  Bandage-rolling duty was exactly what Ellie needed—mindless work that left her free to think. Not that thinking was getting her anywhere. How could the single most incredible moment of her life cause such turmoil? That kiss, my God…It was on her mind constantly, and she’d tried desperately to sort out her feelings. Unfortunately, the one person she needed to talk to was avoiding her like the plague.

  She’s pawned me off on the other nurses, and if we must be near one another, she can’t look me in the eye. I know she’s tormenting herself about what we did, but was it truly a mistake?

  Back at home, several young men had tried to catch Ellie’s eye, either of their own accord or because of her mother’s incessant attempts to marry her off. A few were bold enough to kiss her cheek and try for more, but the most she’d ever felt was flattered. More often than not, their attempts were annoying or downright offensive. Why, then, did kissing this woman leave her wanting so desperately?

  Ellie wasn’t naive—it was no secret that there were women who had relationships with other women. There was talk about the suffragists and feminists, she knew, rumors that some of the women were that way. She thought about her long-ago conversation with Rose Talbot, who had told her about the writings of women like Gertrude Stein and Sappho. Ellie had only had the chance to read a few pages of the book she had borrowed, but she remembered the author had written about the kinds of feelings she was now experiencing. And then there’d been that dream months back, when she’d awakened with her body aroused and wanting. Had she felt a subconscious desire even then to kiss Johanna?

  She wondered now why Rose had spoken to her of such things. It had certainly been risky—Rose couldn’t have predicted how Ellie would respond. Did Rose sense something in Ellie that she herself hadn’t realized? She thought she’d understood and accepted such relationships on an intellectual level, but never had she felt the emotional or physical pull of a woman, until now. What did it all mean?

  The moments on the beach with Johanna came on the heels of a frightfully difficult night. They’d both been pushed to their physical and emotional limits in the hospital, and Johanna was overcome with grief, besides. Perhaps they were just in need of comfort. And yet, that com
forting embrace led to kissing, and…Ah, Ellie’s head was dizzy with uncertainty.

  The door banged open and she jumped, nearly dropping the bandage she’d been rolling. Her face instantly heated at the sight of Johanna standing in the doorway, as if she had been pulled in by Ellie’s swirling thoughts. Her heart leapt but just as quickly sank at the look on Johanna’s face.

  * * *

  For the love of Christ…must she be everywhere? Johanna’s heart thudded as she looked at Ellie, her lovely face anxious and sad. She hated that she was the cause of Ellie’s pain, but she had to be strong.

  “I, uh, just needed some lotion,” she said, then looked away, irritated at herself. She would not have explained her presence to anyone else, but this woman had her dangerously off-kilter. It was maddening. She walked quickly to the shelves and grabbed a crock of carbolic, then spun around to leave.

  “Wait.”

  The plaintive tone of Ellie’s voice stopped her cold, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at her.

  “Johanna, please, can we talk?”

  Johanna took a deep breath to steel herself, then turned to face the woman who had upended her world. Ellie had abandoned her task and come closer, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

  “Why are you avoiding me? It’s so much harder to get through the day when you won’t speak to me. I thought we were friends,” Ellie said, tears spilling.

  It took everything Johanna had to harden her heart. “We cannot be friends, Miss Winthrop. I was wrong to think otherwise.”

  “But why?”

  Her chest tightened. “I think you know.”

  Ellie threw her hands in the air. “For God’s sake, why can’t you just forget the beach and go back to the way things were?”

  “Can you forget?” The parade of emotions that crossed Ellie’s face told Johanna the answer. “This is best for both of us.”