While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  “And does this cook have a name?”

  “That is her name,” Ellie said, trying to keep a straight face.

  “Mrs. Cook the cook?”

  “Exactly.”

  Johanna laughed, and Ellie joined in, their fit of giggles relieving some of their tension.

  After supper, Johanna took her own bath. The lavender soap was a luxury she’d never had, and she inhaled deeply, the fragrance delightful. Once the water began to cool, she got out and dressed in a simple cotton shift. When she re-entered the bedroom, her pulse quickened. Ellie had removed her robe and now sat on the bed in a pale pink embroidered nightie. The silky fabric clung to her body, and she’d never looked more lovely. Johanna glanced down for a moment at her own garment, feeling like a peasant wearing a potato sack. Ellie didn’t seem to mind—she bit her lip, her gaze traveling quickly over Johanna’s body before meeting her eyes. Dismissing her sudden urge to kiss Ellie as too bold, Johanna sat on the other bed. Her hands clenched the coverlet as she studied the floor.

  “Ellie, I know we have much to talk about, but I’ve no bloody notion where to begin.”

  “Well, we could start simply and discuss the weather,” Ellie said with a smile.

  “That’s easy. It’s hot,” Johanna replied.

  “And are you satisfied with our accommodations this evening?”

  Johanna laughed. “Compared to what I’ve slept in lately, this is the Ritz.”

  “Hmm, all right then, I think I must move to more serious topics,” Ellie mused, tapping her chin with a finger. Her smile faded as she regarded Johanna intently. “Why did you volunteer for the CCS?”

  Johanna had known this was coming, but she worried that if she told the truth, there’d be no going back. “I needed to get away, to clear my head.” She felt the weight of Ellie’s gaze, but she couldn’t look at her.

  “Away from me?”

  “Och, I don’t know.” Johanna stood and went to the window, willing herself to calm down as she watched the people below, bustling around before the coming darkness forced them inside.

  “Johanna,” Ellie said, coming behind her and laying a hand on her shoulder. Johanna trembled at her touch and knew she could no longer hide her feelings.

  “It’s wrong of me to want you,” Johanna said, her voice low. She placed her palms on the windowsill, for if she turned around, there would be no more talking. “Fraternization aside, what good could come from us being together? I’m not from your world. Your family—”

  Ellie tightened her grip on Johanna’s shoulder and spun her around, silencing her protests.

  “I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks, Johanna,” she said, eyes flashing. “I know what I’m about, and I know my feelings for you are too wonderful to be wrong. Tell me you didn’t miss me while you were gone. Tell me I didn’t cross your mind.”

  Those words took away the last bit of Johanna’s strength, and she touched her forehead to Ellie’s. “My God, Ellie, you have no idea. When I was out there, it was so horrible.” Her voice broke as she shuddered. “Thinking of you was the only thing that kept me sane.”

  Ellie brought a hand up to cup Johanna’s cheek as tears streamed down hers. “I prayed and prayed that you would be safe, that I would see you again,” she whispered. “Now you’re here, and I don’t ever want to let you go.”

  Johanna pressed her lips to Ellie’s forehead. “Don’t cry, dearest. I can’t bear to see you cry.” She smoothed Ellie’s hair with a gentle hand, then tipped up her chin to gaze into her eyes. “I feel so much with you. It’s as if you soften everything in me that the war has hardened. I can’t explain how or why—I just know that you fill up a place I thought could never be filled.” She stroked her thumbs softly across Ellie’s tearstained cheeks. “This need I have for you, it frightens me. Are you frightened, too?”

  Ellie shook her head. “The only thing that frightens me is the thought of losing you. Fate, I think, has brought us together for a reason, my darling. And,” she said, taking a half step closer, “if you don’t kiss me, I may die from the wanting.”

  Johanna gathered Ellie into her arms and claimed her mouth with a groan. Ellie matched her intensity, caressing and tasting, and then opened for her, their tongues colliding in a feverish dance of longing. The trembling in Johanna’s belly ignited into a heat so intense, she could hardly stand. Breaking the kiss, she took Ellie’s hand and stepped back, sitting on the nearest bed. She drew Ellie close to stand before her, wrapping her arms around her waist and pressing her cheek to her breast. Ellie’s nipples strained at the thin fabric of her nightie, and when Johanna nuzzled them with her lips, Ellie gasped, clutching Johanna’s shoulders to steady herself.

  Johanna looked up to find Ellie’s eyes closed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. “My God, you’re so lovely.” She stroked Ellie’s breast with her fingers, making her tremble. “I need to see you, Ellie. May I?”

  Ellie looked at her, her blue eyes darker and heavy-lidded with desire, and nodded. Johanna leaned down and caught the hem of Ellie’s nightgown between her fingers. She raised it slowly, caressing Ellie’s skin with the soft material. When she reached the tops of her thighs, Johanna stood and eased the garment up and over Ellie’s head.

  “Oh, my,” she said, drinking in the exquisite sight before her.

  Ellie cheeks flamed and she looked away, suddenly shy. The way Johanna looked at her made her skin tingle and her belly tighten almost painfully.

  “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Johanna said, a look of wonder on her face, and her words made Ellie’s heart rejoice. Emboldened by desire, she pulled Johanna close, her nipples aching with need as they grazed the cotton of her shift, and kissed her deeply. She ran her hands beneath the fabric to touch the hot skin beneath.

  “Off,” she said. “I need to feel you.” Johanna groaned softly and removed the final barrier between them. They stood, breast to breast, belly to belly, and the intoxicating feel of Johanna’s skin on hers made Ellie nearly cry out in pleasure. She nuzzled Johanna’s neck, nipping and kissing as her hands roamed the contours of her back and hips. Johanna, breathing heavily, smoothed her hands over the swell of Ellie’s bottom. She kissed her softly, then moved away to draw the coverlet down.

  “Come lie with me,” Johanna said, her voice husky and low.

  Ellie’s arousal surged at those words, and she stepped forward. Hands on Johanna’s shoulders, she pressed her down onto the bed and straddled her hips. Johanna cupped her breasts, circling the taut nipples with her thumbs. Ellie leaned forward, bringing her breasts to Johanna’s waiting lips. At the first touch of Johanna’s tongue, Ellie’s hips surged, coating Johanna’s belly with wetness. She moaned at the incredible sensations Johanna was creating as she licked and sucked.

  “Oh, I…oh!” She was incoherent with desire, and when Johanna slipped a hand between them and cupped her sex, she cried out.

  “You feel like velvet,” Johanna marveled. “So soft and wet.” Her fingers explored and stroked, the pleasure building until Ellie could bear it no longer. Just when she felt she’d reached the pinnacle of sensation, Johanna entered her, turning the ripples of pleasure into waves that crashed over her body. She thrust hard against Johanna’s hand, called out her name as the climax shattered her. Johanna caught Ellie as she collapsed and held her close, stroking her hair until her breathing calmed.

  Moving to lie beside her, Ellie looked at her lover in wonder. “My God, I have no words.”

  Johanna grinned. “Amazing, incredible, fantastic come to mind.”

  “Yes, yes, all of those and more,” Ellie said, nodding emphatically. “Oh, Johanna, I never knew I could feel this way. How can I explain the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me?”

  Johanna put a finger to Ellie’s lips. “No words, love. Show me.”

  And Ellie did. She claimed Johanna’s lips, trying to convey all she was feeling through her kisses. When Johanna began to move beneath her, Ellie’s
lips strayed, and she covered Johanna’s skin with kisses on a slow journey to her breasts. When she took a pebbled nipple into her mouth, Johanna groaned and bucked her hips, which excited Ellie even more.

  “My body’s on fire, lass,” Johanna said, as she watched Ellie make love to her breasts. “Touch me.”

  Ellie, stunned at the effect she was having on Johanna, was enjoying herself immensely. “Is this where you want to be touched?” she said, trailing a finger down Johanna’s arm.

  “Nae,” Johanna said, shaking her head.

  Ellie drew slow circles on Johanna’s belly. “Here?”

  “You’re closer.”

  “Or maybe here,” Ellie said, leaning down to run a gentle hand up Johanna’s leg from ankle to thigh.

  “Christ, woman, don’t tease,” Johanna said, groaning.

  “I want you to feel every bit of the pleasure you gave me,” Ellie said, sliding her hand toward Johanna’s center. “Tell me what you need.”

  “You. I need you,” Johanna said, taking Ellie’s hand and pressing it to her core.

  Ellie breath caught as she felt Johanna’s arousal and saw it in the flushed skin of her face. “You are so beautiful, my darling,” she said. Touching Johanna was heaven, and the enormity of the moment brought tears to her eyes. Johanna’s head was tipped back, eyes closed, her dark curls damp on her forehead. Ellie watched Johanna’s face as she explored with gentle fingers, witnessing her pleasure with every nuanced change of expression. She caressed Johanna’s belly and breasts with her other hand, drawing out the sensations as long as she could.

  Johanna whimpered and sighed. “Please, more.”

  Ellie smiled and shifted to take a nipple in her mouth, while her fingers slowly slid inside. Johanna’s hands fisted in the sheets as her hips met Ellie’s hand, stroke for stroke. She crested on a long, low moan, capturing Ellie’s hand between her trembling thighs, and Ellie’s tears spilled as she kissed Johanna’s lips.

  “My God, that was…och, you’re crying. What’s the matter, lass?”

  “Nothing’s the matter. Everything is wonderful. You’re breathtaking, Johanna. The sight of you lying here, so beautiful and open and trusting, makes me feel as if I might burst with happiness.”

  Johanna reached for her, her eyes damp. “Being with you has been the most precious gift. You’ve made the whole world disappear these few blessed hours and reminded me of what it is to feel joy. Come, dearest, let me hold you.”

  Ellie wiped her eyes and settled her head on Johanna’s shoulder, drawing the covers over them. Johanna held her close, kissing her head and laying her cheek on Ellie’s hair. Long after her lover drifted off to sleep, Ellie lay thinking of all that had happened between them since she arrived in France. She wanted this, needed this, and prayed that somehow, it would all work out.

  Chapter Fourteen

  There were too many. He stood in the road and called to her, and she fought to get to him, tripping over bodies and slipping in the blood-soaked mud. “Duncan! Duncan, wait…I’m coming!” He was yelling something, but she couldn’t hear as shells whistled overhead and exploded all around her. She ducked, and when she looked again, he was gone. She ran to where he’d been standing, but all she found was a dead boy with no face. And she screamed.

  The familiar pain crushed Johanna’s chest as she bolted upright, bathed in sweat. She looked wildly around in the darkness, yelling out when a hand touched her shoulder.

  “Johanna?”

  The darkness was suddenly pierced with light, and Johanna found herself in an unfamiliar room. She couldn’t stop trembling.

  “Johanna, darling, I’m here.”

  The voice came again, calming her. Warm, gentle hands rubbed her back and smoothed her hair, and she realized where she was. Ellie sat beside her, her face awash with concern.

  “Are you all right? You had a bad dream.”

  Johanna took several deep breaths until she could speak without her voice shaking. “It’s always the same.” She shuddered.

  “Can you talk about it?” Ellie asked.

  Johanna scrubbed her hands across her face and sighed. Maybe it was time to face it, this nightmare that had stolen her peace. “There was a boy at the CCS. He came in with several wounded from the Royal Scots—a bullet had grazed his arm. I remembered him especially because he looked very like my brother. He was a friendly lad, and we spoke of home as I tended his arm. He wore a braided leather band around his wrist, a memento from his sweetheart, he said.” Johanna wiped her eyes as tears began to fall. “Two weeks later, a wounded soldier grabbed my skirt as I walked by his stretcher. He couldn’t speak—his whole jaw was blown away. He had tears in his eyes, and I held his hand as he died. Only then did I notice the leather band on his wrist.”

  Johanna’s tears fell freely now, and Ellie pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder. “I had to cut off his red identification tag for the clerk—it’s crazy, but his surname was Duncan.” Her voice cracked. “In my dream, the faceless dead boy is my brother. I feel like he is reaching out to me somehow, because I wasn’t with him when he died.”

  “Oh, sweetheart,” Ellie said. She gathered Johanna into her arms and held her as she sobbed, purging some of the horrors she had held inside for so long. After a while, her tears stopped, replaced by a desperate need.

  “There was so much death in that place, I sometimes felt numb and lifeless myself. And my family, they’re all dead, too.” She took Ellie’s face in her hands and kissed her with urgency. “Touch me, Ellie—I need to feel alive.”

  Ellie made love to her with all the tenderness and passion she could give, and when the morning came, Johanna knew a part of her had begun to heal.

  * * *

  After two days of kissing and touching freely, the trip back to the hospital was maddening. People were everywhere, and Ellie longed for some privacy. Sighing, she picked up the French newspaper she’d purchased at the station to help pass the time. Johanna was dozing beside her, still not fully rested from her ordeal at the CCS. Ellie felt a twinge low in her belly and smiled, remembering what had kept them from sleeping.

  The largest headline spoke of a massive British and French offensive just begun at the Somme. Ah, Ellie thought, that explains all the activity at the station. A long ambulance train had been on the tracks when they’d arrived in the late afternoon, orderlies filling it with stretchers full of wounded. Nurses rushed to and fro, tending to the men, and a VAD unit had set up a canteen serving cocoa and soup. She and Johanna were traveling back in uniform, and they offered their assistance while waiting for their train. Ellie spent a busy two hours ladling soup into tin bowls and carrying trays of cocoa-filled cups to the soldiers as they waited their turn to board.

  When the ambulance train departed, Johanna joined Ellie on the platform. “News from the men isn’t good,” Johanna said. “They say the first day of the battle was a slaughter.” A weary resignation had returned to her eyes, and Ellie was worried that perhaps Johanna needed more time. Even so, there was nothing to be done for it.

  “Matron will be wanting us back, then,” she replied. “The hospital must be overrun.”

  Ellie’s prediction proved true. The scene was barely controlled chaos when they arrived back at the hospital, and they were pressed into service within minutes of reporting to Matron Campbell. She and Johanna were on different wards and didn’t see each other again until well into the next day. She was heading for her hut when she saw Johanna, sitting in one of the folding chairs the convalescents had arranged beneath the canopy of a large tree. Her hands lay still in her lap, her face raised to the sky. Several men sat nearby, playing a raucous game of cards in the shade.

  Ellie walked over and gently touched her shoulder. Johanna jumped up, startled, her hand on her chest.

  “Och, you nearly scared me to death,” Johanna said in mock outrage, but her eyes twinkled.

  “I’m so sorry, Jo…I mean, Sister,” Ellie said, glancing around. Leaning closer, she
whispered, “Are you all right?”

  “I am now,” Johanna answered, her weary face transformed by her smile. “Rough night.”

  Ellie nodded. “I was just on my way to take a rest. We’re on duty again in four hours. Aren’t you going, too?”

  “In a minute. I needed some air.” Johanna looked into her eyes with an intensity that made her knees weak. “Would you rather rest on the beach?”

  Ellie’s heart leapt. “Oh yes. Let me wash up, and I’ll be along soon.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  Soon after, Johanna was in her arms, her kisses chasing away the darkness. “I missed you,” Ellie said. “I didn’t like working in the shock ward, away from you.”

  “I missed you, too, lass. We’ll be back to our regular rounds tonight, together in Ward A, thank God,” Johanna said. “If I cannot kiss you, at least I want you by my side while we work. You are an exceptional assistant, after all.”

  “Am I?” Ellie ran her hands slowly up Johanna’s chest, then cupped the back of her head and drew her down for a searing kiss. “Do I have any other talents you find exceptional?”

  Johanna groaned. “Christ, Ellie, you know the answer to that, and if you kiss me so again, we’ll not get any rest.”

  “Fine,” Ellie said, pouting. “Of course you’re right, but I don’t have to like it.”

  Johanna laughed. “Did you use that face on your parents to get your way?”

  “Oh yes, all the time when I was young. It always worked on my father, but my mother could see right through my schemes,” Ellie replied. She took Johanna’s hand and led her deeper into their protected hideaway. “I couldn’t find a spare blanket this time—we’ll have to sit in the sand.”

  “That’s just fine. We’re away from the tide line, so our spot is nice and dry.” Johanna sat with her back to the cliff wall and pulled Ellie down into her lap. “Here, let me hold you awhile.”

  Ellie laid her head on Johanna’s shoulder and snuggled in. Johanna kissed her forehead and rubbed her back in lazy circles. “I feel so safe with you,” Ellie murmured. In moments, she was falling asleep.