While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  “Rest, love,” Johanna whispered. “I’m here.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The Somme Offensive raged on as autumn arrived, and the hospital was besieged with badly wounded men, their only blessing the Blighty tickets pinned to their breast pockets that would eventually send them home. Some of those with less serious wounds waited in their hospital blues for the day when the chief medical officer would pass his sentence and send many back to the front. Johanna tried to be reassuring and upbeat for them, knowing how afraid they were, how much they doubted their chances of cheating death twice.

  Most of the hospital staff had been working eighteen-hour shifts to handle the scores of wounded coming in each night. Johanna was well past exhausted and felt like an automaton, her humanity slipping away. Her nightmares had abated somewhat, to be replaced by waking hours full of pain and despair. The only thing that was keeping her tethered to hope was Ellie.

  Sister Sunshine went about her duties, tenderly ministering to the men, offering a smile, an encouraging word, or a hand to hold whenever she could. Johanna watched this, day after day, and her feelings for Ellie grew ever stronger.

  “From what bottomless well do you draw your positive energy?” Johanna asked her one morning over a hurried breakfast in the mess. “You amaze me, you know.”

  “I don’t know,” Ellie said. “Maybe it’s the stiff upper lip my mother insisted I develop.” She rolled her eyes. “I have plenty of low moments, and I’ve cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count, but as they taught us in VAD training, our role is to ease burdens, not add to them.” She sipped her tea, pensive for a moment. “Actually, Sister Lennox, I think you also have a great deal to do with it.”

  “Me? What do you mean?”

  “You have been an inspiration to me from the moment I arrived here. You’re strong and compassionate, and you give the same excellent care to each patient, whether he is the first of the day or the hundredth. You are an incredible nurse.”

  Johanna squirmed in her seat and looked away, uncomfortable with such lavish praise. “Go on, now. I’m nothing special.”

  Ellie touched her hand with a swift, whisper-soft caress, compelling Johanna to meet her eyes. “Everything about you is special,” she said softly.

  “Sister Lennox, Miss Winthrop.” Johanna jumped at the sound of Matron Campbell’s voice, and her face flamed. She’d been staring into the depths of Ellie’s soft eyes like a lovesick schoolgirl, and she prayed to all things holy that Matron hadn’t noticed.

  “Good morning, Matron,” Ellie said sweetly, her face the vision of composure.

  “Good morning. Miss Winthrop, kindly come to my office when you have finished here.”

  “Yes, Matron.”

  Matron Campbell stood there a moment or two longer, eyebrow seemingly raised in question, and Johanna’s heart beat faster. Then Matron nodded and walked on. Johanna blew out a breath, worried now.

  “What do you think she wants?” Ellie whispered, her face betraying her nervousness.

  “I’ve no idea, but you’d best not keep her waiting. We’ll talk later.”

  Ellie nodded and stood. “Thank you for your time, Sister,” she said at her normal volume and left.

  * * *

  As she walked across the grounds to Matron’s office, Ellie tried to think what could be the purpose of her summons. She’d only been called to Matron’s office one other time since her arrival, and that had led to her working with Johanna. She believed her work was satisfactory, and she and Johanna had been very careful in their personal interactions. The not knowing made her stomach churn uncomfortably, but she walked on. When she arrived at the correct building, she took a deep breath and knocked.

  “Come,” Matron called.

  Ellie entered the spartan little area that Matron used as her office. “You wanted to see me, ma’am?”

  “Yes, Miss Winthrop. Please have a seat. I trust things are going well?”

  “Yes, Matron, I think so, considering how very busy it’s been.” Ellie’s nerves got the best of her. “Have you heard otherwise, ma’am?” she blurted.

  Matron Campbell smiled. “On the contrary, Miss Winthrop. I’ve received a number of excellent reports about your work. A little birdie told me that the men call you Sister Sunshine.”

  Ellie’s cheeks burned. “I assure you, Matron, I haven’t encouraged—”

  “At ease, Miss Winthrop. It is a great compliment to be noticed and appreciated by the very ones you are here to serve. I’ve also heard from the surgeons that you’ve become quite adept at dressing wounds.”

  “Thank you, Matron. I’ve done my best to learn, but the credit should rightfully go to Sister Lennox for her fine and patient tutelage,” Ellie replied.

  “Quite so,” Matron said. “Sister Lennox is an excellent nurse, but she hasn’t developed many professional attachments to other staff members. You should feel honored that she has taken you under her wing, so to speak, to advance your skills.”

  “Oh yes, I am very lucky indeed,” Ellie said, the mere mention of Johanna making her light up inside.

  “Yes, well,” Matron said, clearing her throat. “You have been recommended for the efficiency stripe, a decoration given to those volunteers who have exceeded expectations and provided commendable service.” Matron produced an embroidered scarlet stripe, which she proceeded to pin to Ellie’s upper sleeve. “Wear this proudly, Miss Winthrop. You’ve earned it. Congratulations, young lady.”

  Ellie was relieved and proud in equal measures. “Thank you, Matron. I am honored.”

  “Go on and get some rest. I expect we’ll have another influx tonight. You are dismissed, Miss Winthrop.”

  Ellie nodded and took her leave. Her attempts to find Johanna were unsuccessful, so she assumed she’d gone to her quarters, a place where Ellie most definitely could not be seen. Her news would have to wait until their shift began. Ellie touched the stripe on her sleeve and smiled, then headed off to her hut for some much-needed sleep.

  * * *

  “Might I have a word, Sister Lennox?”

  Johanna looked up from the bowl in which she was preparing carbolic lotion to find Matron Campbell in the doorway of the dispensary.

  “Of course, Matron.”

  “I’ve been remiss in not thanking you for the training you’ve done with the volunteers. I know you were not keen on working with them a few months ago.”

  Johanna shrugged with a smile. “Turned out I was worried for naught. They’re a good bunch.”

  “Indeed. You are aware that Miss Winthrop earned her efficiency stripe?”

  “Aye, and I’m glad for her—she works very hard and is a quick learner,” Johanna replied.

  “She gave much of the credit to you, as it happens,” Matron said.

  “Did she?” Johanna hoped the meager light would hide the fire in her cheeks.

  Matron nodded. “I’ve noticed that you have made her into a protégé of sorts, and that you seem quite fond of each other.”

  Johanna sucked in a breath. Oh, bloody hell. She tried for a look of indifference, and since she had no idea what to say, she simply nodded.

  “Knowing your tendency to avoid unnecessary interactions, I must say I’m surprised at the interest you’ve taken in the young lady.”

  Johanna’s stomach felt as if she’d swallowed lead, but she found her voice and fought mightily to keep it calm. “As I said, she’s a hard worker and a great help on the ward. She’s smart and wants to learn. Is it wrong of me to assist in her professional growth?”

  “Not at all, but you mustn’t give the appearance of favoritism. Miss Winthrop clearly idolizes you, but she’s young and inexperienced in the ways of the world. We wouldn’t want there to be any suspicion of impropriety.”

  Impropriety? “Has someone complained? Have the other volunteers said I haven’t trained them properly?” Oh, Christ, did she know?

  “No one has said anything directly to me, but if I am noticing such things,
perhaps others are as well. Listen, Johanna,” Matron lowered her voice, “you are one of my best nurses. I’m just looking out for you, lass.”

  “Thank you, Matron, but you have nothing to worry about,” Johanna said, the lie burning like acid on her tongue.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Do you think she knows?” Ellie said, shivering in her mackintosh. They had stolen a few moments down on the beach, but the exhausting pace of work and the cold, rainy weather had made those moments difficult to find.

  “She knows we’re fond of each other, but Matron was warning me not to give the appearance of favoritism,” Johanna replied.

  “Oh,” Ellie said, remembering, “maybe that’s what the girls meant when they said I had your ear.”

  “What?”

  “Mary and Daisy were telling secrets in our hut one night when I was pretending to be asleep. They thought if I overheard, I’d go right off to tell you, since I had your ear. Ugh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize before.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t have been as obvious if I wasn’t so bloody standoffish. You’re the only volunteer who isn’t afraid of me.” Johanna looked hurt, and Ellie squeezed her hand, laughing.

  “Well, you are tall, dark, and brooding. The first time I saw you, two things struck me at once—you were very beautiful, and very stern.”

  “Well, I don’t know about beautiful, but I was going for stern that day. I thought if Matron was putting me in charge of your lot, I’d better establish my authority. Generally, though, I don’t mean to be so unapproachable. I’m just not very good at small talk and such.”

  “I know, darling. You don’t have to be a social butterfly, but a smile goes a long way. It was your smile that first gave me a glimpse of the wonderful person you are, underneath that stern exterior.” Ellie leaned in and gave Johanna a gentle kiss. “But don’t go smiling too much at the other girls. I rather like being the only one who has your ear,” she teased, giving Johanna’s earlobe a tug with her teeth, “and your neck, and your…”

  Johanna silenced her with a long, deep kiss. “How am I supposed to pretend you’re not my favorite when you say such things?” She touched her forehead to Ellie’s and sighed. “It’s hard to pretend, but we must. Matron was kind to warn me, but we can’t afford to give anyone else ideas.”

  “Agreed.” Ellie gave her a hug and stepped back. “You’d better go on back, then. I’ll be along shortly.”

  She watched Johanna walk away, fully aware of the risks Johanna was taking for her. Her fear of discovery was why she had run away to the CCS in the first place. Now that their relationship had become intimate, the risks were even greater. Ellie hated that they had no privacy to express their feelings physically, or to have anything beyond cursory conversations, but she had to make sure no one else suspected. She had to protect Johanna.

  * * *

  Ellie came up with a plan to defy their circumstances. She’d found a suitable crack behind a shelf in the dispensary, which was deep enough to hold a slip of paper but could not be seen if one wasn’t looking. That night, at the end of their shift, she slipped a note into Johanna’s apron pocket explaining her idea. She felt silly as a schoolgirl passing notes in class, but it was the only way she could speak plainly.

  At the start of the next day’s shift, Ellie feared Johanna disapproved of her plan. Johanna had looked at her with a scowl on her face, but after glancing around to make sure no one was looking, she’d winked with a smile and inclined her head toward the dispensary. Ellie checked her hiding spot as soon as she could.

  “What’s your favorite color?” she had asked.

  The lovely blue of your eyes. What is your most favorite food?

  Ellie scribbled her answer and another question and tucked the note away. And so it went on for the next three weeks. They were getting to know each other on paper, but the questions and answers became bolder.

  What do you think of before you fall asleep? she asked.

  And Johanna replied, Tasting your lips and touching your beautiful body. I wish we could go to the beach. Damn this miserable weather!

  The blustery days had greatly outnumbered the sunny ones in the past month, and Ellie longed for the summer’s warmth as she layered long underwear beneath her uniform. It had taken forever to get even a little warm earlier, and an irritating cough had taken up residence in her chest. Sleep had eluded her, despite her exhaustion. She donned her mac and headed for Ward A, turning her face from the driving rain. Why did it seem as if the ward had moved farther away? Ellie trudged on and was thoroughly damp when she arrived. Warming her hands by the little brazier that struggled to heat the place, she looked about for Johanna.

  She saw her at the far end, changing the bandage on an amputee’s stump, and as she headed there to help, a coughing fit overtook her. How odd she felt all of a sudden! Everything seemed muted, as if she was looking through a haze, and she could barely hear over the pounding in her head. She grabbed blindly for something to steady her. The last thing she saw was Johanna’s worried face before everything went black.

  * * *

  Johanna had been looking forward to seeing Ellie all day. Their last note had her body thrumming with pent-up desire, and she needed to be near her. She glanced up from the dressing she was changing when Ellie entered the ward. Smiling to herself, she brought her focus back to the young private who had lost his leg, finishing her work. She patted his shoulder and, hearing a spate of coughing, looked up in time to see Ellie swaying on her feet. She was white as a sheet.

  “Ellie!” Johanna rushed to catch her as she fainted. Sister Longley came to help, and they laid her down on the only empty cot in the ward.

  “She’s burning up,” Sister Longley said. “Must be pneumonia—Ward D is overflowing with cases.”

  “Here, let’s put the screen up around her—I don’t want to move her to the sisters’ infirmary in this rain. Can you grab extra pillows? She must be propped up. We need to sponge her with alcohol. Ellie, can you hear me?” Johanna, usually the picture of calm in a crisis, was beside herself with worry.

  Sister Longley sent one of the VAD girls to fetch Matron Campbell, then helped Johanna remove Ellie’s uniform. Over the next three hours, they attempted to lower Ellie’s temperature with alcohol baths and a salt-solution enema, applied a mustard plaster to her chest, and spoon-fed her a mixture of milk and whiskey every hour. Throughout their ministrations, Ellie could only moan, delirious and racked by coughing fits.

  As soon as the rain abated, they moved her to the infirmary that housed the sick and injured female staff. Johanna reluctantly left her in the care of others and went back to finish her work in Ward A.

  “Sister Sunshine’s taken ill, then?” a corporal said as she checked his shoulder wound for infection.

  “Aye,” Johanna nodded, barely able to speak.

  “A right shame, that,” he said. “Never met a sweeter lass.”

  Johanna suppressed a sob as she replaced his bandage, then stepped into the dispensary for a moment’s privacy. Ellie was in danger, and Johanna was sick with worry. She’d seen many men die of the same affliction, their fluid-filled lungs drowning them. She couldn’t bear the thought of Ellie…No, it would be all right. Ellie was strong, and Johanna would do everything in her power to keep her alive.

  * * *

  “Sister Lennox.” The faint voice grew stronger, and Johanna opened her eyes to find Matron Campbell leaning over her.

  “What is it?” she said, jumping up. “Ellie…”

  “She’s still with us, in no small part thanks to you. But, Johanna, you must go rest in your quarters. You’re at high risk to contract the illness yourself, and you won’t be any good to anyone if you get sick.”

  “I’m fine, Matron. I can’t leave her until she’s out of danger.”

  “You’re a bloody hardheaded Scot, and being one myself, I can say so. I’ll not force you to go just yet…It’s plain to see that Miss Winthrop is very dear to you. However, I must remi
nd you that your duty is to the wounded, and I need you at your post, rested and able to handle what comes. Have I made myself clear, Sister?”

  “Yes, Matron. You’re a kind woman, and I thank you for understanding.” Johanna looked over at the bed where Ellie lay, so fragile and pale. “She has become like family to me, what with my own people gone,” she said, her voice trembling. “I couldn’t do a thing to help them in their hour of need, but I must try for Ellie.”

  Matron Campbell laid a hand on Johanna’s shoulder. “You’ve done all you can, my dear. The rest is in the hands of God.”

  After Matron had gone, Johanna went to Ellie’s side. She rubbed camphorated oil on her chest and throat to ease her labored and shallow breathing, praying that what they had done for the last four days would be enough. As tears slid down her face, she leaned close to Ellie’s ear. “Keep fighting, my darling. I love you.”

  * * *

  Johanna had just finished her rounds with the surgeon when Sister Longley rushed in. “Her fever has broken, thank the heavens, and she’s asking for you.”

  The surge of relief nearly brought Johanna to her knees. Sister Longley grasped her arm. “Steady on, Sister Lennox. I’ll stay here—you go.”

  “Thank you,” Johanna said, tears filling her eyes. “Thank you for everything.”

  Johanna ran to the infirmary, mindless of the cold and mud. When she arrived, Matron and another nurse were bent over the bed, obscuring her view of Ellie. She rushed forward to find Ellie sitting up, taking spoonfuls of soup. She was still pale, but despite the dark smudges beneath them, her blue eyes were clear and bright. Her gown was askew, her hair a mess, and she’d never looked more beautiful.

  “Johanna,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. Ellie smiled, but it faded as she must have remembered her audience. “Um, hello, Sister Lennox.”