"Not to be rude, but I think I know. We were all friends for a while. Remember that?"
“Of course I do, snarky-pants. But there was a whole part of our relationship you didn’t see. Marsha and I briefly dated in college.”
Kate’s eyes bugged out. “What?”
"It was during our last year, and it didn't last for more than about a couple of months. Anyway, things were going well, until Beverly showed up."
Kate groaned. "God, I forgot about that whole on-again off-again crap they did. I love Marsha, but she made college a difficult time for all of us. It was freaking hard to know when Beverly was a friend and when she wasn't."
"Tell me about it. Anyway, when Beverly came crawling back, Marsha dumped me. It hurt like hell, but we were friends, and we were keeping our relationship secret from you, anyway. We both agreed to forget about it and maintain the status quo.
"Watching Marsha welcome that snake with open arms drove me crazy. I knew the only way she'd get out of that toxic situation was if she saw a brighter future for herself. It took a while, but I finally got up the courage to tell her exactly how I felt about her. Not only that I liked her, but why I did. I told her about how she made me feel and how I wanted to make her feel. I told her what I wanted her future with us to look like. We had sex, and she broke up with Beverly hours later."
Kate smiled sadly. “That’s a fantastic story, Jamie, but I don’t see how this applies to me. Tracy isn’t a monster like Beverly was, and Allison and I haven’t known each other for years.”
“It doesn’t matter. The point is, I know what you’re feeling right now. It’s like there’s a wound the size of a crater in your chest, and every time Allison mentions anything about Tracy, a gallon of salt gets poured into it. I’ve done my best to forget how hard those months without Marsha were, but seeing your face after Tracy’s text reminded me.”
Jamie squeezed Kate’s arm. “I don’t want you to keep carrying a torch for someone who doesn’t want you. It hurts too fucking much. What I want you to do is to bare your soul to Allison. Let her know everything you’ve ever wanted to say to her and tell her to make her decision right then and there. If she wants you, she’s got to commit to leaving Tracy. If she chooses Tracy, then you need to let her know that you will be moving on. But the only way she can make a true and honest decision is if she has all the facts. You need to give her that.”
Kate's eyes watered, and she brushed away a tear. "I don't know if I can do that. I've got a feeling it would hurt worse than me moving on right now. We don't have to talk about it, and we can think of it as this weird thing that happened that month Tracy was gone."
"Oh, honey," Jamie said, cupping Kate's cheek. "Of course it would be easier to leave everything unresolved. If you do what I'm asking, you'll be laying all your cards on the table. If Allison says no, then she'll be saying no to all of it, but that's what you've got to do to be able to move on."
Kate placed her hands on her hips and stared up at the sky. She was tired of trying to win Allison over. A part of her felt if Allison felt what she did, then she should be unable to move on with Tracy. The logical part of her told her what they had was so new and so fragile that it was only natural for Allison to have reservations.
What Kate knew for sure was that Tracy was coming home tomorrow, and everything would change for all parties involved. The only question remaining was how things would change. Either Allison would give her a shot, or Kate would be heartbroken. With the odds not in her favor, Kate decided there was nothing else to lose.
“Okay. I’ll do it.”
Jamie nodded somberly. “It’s for the best. I would’ve loved to help you woo Allison, but this is the way it has to be.”
“It is. By the end of the night, I’ll either have a girlfriend or a new sister-in-law.”
Jamie winced. "I know it sounds horrible, but I'm hoping if Allison doesn't choose you, then she and Tracy won't make it. It's hard being around someone you once had deep feelings for."
"Unfortunately, that's unlikely. Allison is someone who looks for reasons to stay. If she picks Tracy, then they are going to go the distance. Tracy and I are sisters. If things don't work, I'll have to find a way to be okay with it."
Jamie wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulder, and the two women walked toward Marsha and Allison. "You're a strong woman, Kate. I know you'll be fine. In case things don't work out with Allison, I want you to know I fully support you on your next romantic pursuit. My text game is on point. We'll get you onto a lesbian dating site, and my magic fingers will do their thing."
Kate slipped from under Jamie's arm. "Okay, enough with the double entendres. I know I told you to be amorous today, but you took things a little too far."
"I can't help it. I finally got a pass from you. Besides, I'm so glad to have Marsha in my life. It took a lot for us to get here, and I want to cherish every moment. I want that for you, too."
Kate sighed. “So do I. In a few hours, I’ll find out if that’ll be with Allison or with someone else.”
13
That night, Allison sat at the foot of her bed, staring at the open suitcase on the floor before her. What was supposed to be a fun day with friends had quickly turned into a chore after Tracy’s text. Those few words had forced Allison into a place in which she felt trapped.
Everyone around her expected her to be excited about her girlfriend’s return. So Allison had put on the best performance she could, but she couldn’t fight the feeling that Jamie, Marsha, and especially Kate saw through it.
Allison felt like she now had to play a role, but she wasn’t sure she was suited for it. For instance, she was packing up her things to go home and make sure everything was ready for Tracy’s arrival. That was what any good girlfriend should be excited to do, but Allison felt numb about the whole situation.
No. It was more than that. There was a dull ache in her chest at the thought of separating from Kate.
Starting from tomorrow, she would stop working at the bakery and would be spending all her time with Tracy. Again, that was something that should’ve excited her, but Allison felt nothing. All she could think about was what she was giving up.
Why did I put myself in this situation?
Allison heaved a sigh, then started throwing all her clothes into the suitcase, not bothering to fold them. She’d been aware of her attraction to Kate from the moment she met her. If only she’d chosen to spend the month in a house by herself, none of this would’ve happened.
But it was too late to undo all of that, and to be honest, she didn't want to. That was the worst part. Her time with Kate had been so good for her soul. The younger woman had helped Allison through so much and helped her arrive at a good place, both mentally and emotionally.
Now it was time for Allison to take that renewed sense of self and throw herself into her relationship. Tracy had stuck by her through the worst of it, and she deserved to have a girlfriend who was happy, devoted, and optimistic. There had been too much anxiety and doom and gloom surrounding them for the longest time, and Allison owed it to Tracy to try to make this work.
Ten minutes later, Allison wheeled her suitcase out into the living room where she found Kate seated in front of the TV with her head down.
“Are you okay?” Allison asked.
Kate shot to her feet. Her eyebrows drew together as she looked at Allison’s suitcase, then at her face, alternating between the two at a rapid speed.
“You’re leaving?”
Allison nodded. “I’ve not been to the house in ages. I want Tracy to come home to a clean and fully stocked home.”
“Oh.” Kate twiddled her thumbs and stared at the ground. “I’d hoped you’d spend the night, so I’d have a little more time to gather my thoughts, but I guess it’s now or never.”
“For what?”
Kate stepped forward and took Allison’s hands in hers. “For me to tell you exactly what you mean to me and why I want to be with you.”
“Kate, I d
on’t think this is—” The words died in her mouth as Kate cupped her cheek. Her blue eyes had an intensity that pinned Allison in place, making her muscles quiver. Allison’s stomach clenched as she felt the blood in her body rush south.
"Just let me say this. Allison, I'm in love with you. I'm way past lying to myself that it's anything short of that. That's the only reason I'm breaking my promise and asking you to reconsider your decision to be with Tracy."
Allison’s breath hitched and a chill rushed down her spine. With her arousal sufficiently squashed, she extricated Kate’s hand from her face and folded her arms. Allison had done her best to make it clear that this relationship couldn’t move forward, and she thought Kate had understood, but it seemed she’d misread everything.
For one, she’d missed the fact that Kate thought she was in love with her.
"Kate, please don't do this," Allison said, trying to keep her voice gentle. Kate had taken a king-sized step by opening up. Unfortunately, Allison couldn't respond in kind, despite the way her heart warmed when Kate placed a hand on her arm, reestablishing contact.
Allison mentally shook her head. One touch from Kate and all her logic flew out of the window. It was the polar opposite of what she felt for Tracy. Allison’s feelings toward her girlfriend were quieter and more steady, the type that could last a lifetime.
"I have to," Kate said. "The fact that you want me to stop already tells me that you feel something for me, too."
"I already admitted to that." Allison forced herself to step back. "But I told you I feel something for Tracy, too, and that I don't want to end things with her."
“Are you falling in love with her?” Kate asked, cocking her head.
“I told you—”
"Yes. I know you have feelings for her, but are they getting stronger or diminishing? Are you excited to have her come home, or is there a part of you that's dreading it? Is it so easy for you to leave this house, or are you having mixed emotions about it?"
Allison huffed. "You're asking questions that are too complicated for me to answer. Questions, I hate to say, that are not your business. What I feel for Tracy is between me and her. You're my friend, Kate, but you're overstepping right now."
"You've never minded before." Hurt flashed across Kate’s face, but it was gone in an instant as she squared her shoulders. "Fine. No more talk of Tracy. I don't want you to pass up on something that could be special. Allison, don't think with your head or let the guilt of what we did drive your decision. Take a moment and tell me, what do you feel in here? Does the idea of us together make sense in your heart?"
Goosebumps broke out over Allison's skin as Kate placed her hand above her left breast. Kate rested her forehead against Allison's and slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her in tighter. Warmth spread all over Allison's body, and she inwardly groaned.
Kate was stepping into dangerous territory. With each question and statement, she chipped at the walls Allison had built.
Allison was supposed to get it right. She was supposed to find a good woman and build a life with her. And here Kate was, trying to convince her that she wanted something else, and her stupid heart was playing along.
"Tell me you don't feel what I feel," Kate whispered. "Allison, I love you. I want a future with you. Why? Because you make me feel alive. All this time I have merely been existing. Being a good daughter, sister, and business partner. I didn't know what I was missing could be so life-changing. You make me feel whole, you make me happy, and you make me want to be the kind of woman who's deserving of a person like you. Please don't push your feelings aside. Don't break both our hearts."
Allison cried silently as Kate's words tore down the walls of the dam that had been keeping her emotions at bay. Kate pulled Allison closer, and she buried her head in the crook of her neck. In the state she was in, she was forced to acknowledge what she had been denying.
Allison’s feelings for Kate had long since surpassed those for Tracy. She loved the younger woman, but those feelings were also terrifying.
In Allison's experience, feelings that came on so strongly could leave or turn sour with as much force. Kate and Allison had spent a wonderful month together, but their feelings for each other hadn't been tested. They had never fought or even seen each other first thing in the morning.
Allison would love nothing more than to throw caution to the wind and say that love would carry her home, but she had been proven wrong multiple times before. And she had her father's example as irrefutable proof. To further complicate matters, her decision would affect an entire family.
Allison broke the embrace and wiped her face. “I’m sorry, but it’s not enough.”
Kate inhaled sharply. “W-what?”
"It's not enough, Kate. Yes, we feel what we feel right now, but I've been in love before and seen it fall apart. This relationship, or whatever we have, was born out of me being in a broken place. I do not deny that you're an amazing person and that we have a spectacular connection, but I don't know that we would have gotten here if we had met before the incident."
Kate’s eyes narrowed to slits. "What are you saying? That the only reason you fell for me is that you were in a dark place and I was your confidant?"
“No. I’m saying that because of what happened, I was in a weird place. I told you I had trouble accessing my feelings for Tracy. If that wasn’t the case, then there wouldn’t have been room in my heart for me to fall for anyone else, let alone you.”
Kate scoffed. “You’re saying you could have fallen for anyone? There was nothing special about me? I was just in the right place at the right time.”
Allison ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “No. Stop twisting my words.”
"I don't think I am. For the first time, I've finally heard your unfiltered thoughts, and I've got to say, they've given me the wake-up call I needed." Kate laughed mirthlessly. "I'm glad we had this conversation. I was going to carry a torch for you for a long time. Now, I can move on, knowing it was never real to begin with. The fact that you've chalked your feelings up to you being in a vulnerable place is proof of that."
"No, it's not!" Allison wracked her brain for the right words. This whole conversation had taken a turn she had never expected. Kate was angry. Allison had never seen the younger woman angry. The hurt on her face testified to how royally Allison had screwed everything up.
I should have kept my mouth shut.
Allison took a deep breath. “Kate, I did fall in love with you. Even if we take the circumstances out of the equation, you are someone I could easily have fallen in love with. You’re smart, beautiful, and you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve met, which is why I don’t want to string you along. I want to be with Tracy. Sure, a part of that is out of guilt, but a part of it isn’t. I need to see things through with her, for her sake and mine. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain through all of this.”
"It's not all your fault." Kate sighed, and her shoulders drooped. "I get it. Maybe one day we can even be friends, but right now all I can hear coming out of your mouth is that you regret our relationship. Something that meant so much to me meant so little to you. Something that convinced me that the love I was looking for really did exist was nothing but a mistake to you, and it fucking hurts." Kate's voice cracked. "The worst part is that I had this nagging feeling I couldn’t shake. Something told me you couldn't possibly feel what I felt. I betrayed my sister in the worst way for something that wasn't even real, and while I was at it, I got my heart broken the worst way ever."
"I'm so sorry I did that," Allison whispered, her voice hoarse. She tried to hug Kate, but the young woman twisted out of her grip.
“Don’t.” Kate’s voice was firm and so full of anger that it halted Allison immediately. “I think it’s best you leave now. I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Lord knows there’s enough of that between you and I already.”
Allison drew in a sharp breath, and her heart skipped a beat. For so long, the ball had been
in her court. Kate's heart was open, and she promised that whenever Allison was ready for a relationship with her, she would be there.
But now Kate had built walls of her own, and Allison doubted any friendship or relationship between the two of them would happen anytime soon. Kate stared at Allison for a while and blinked slowly. Her eyes were dry, and nothing but betrayal lay behind those blue orbs.
I guess she wants nothing to do with me.
“I really am sorry, Kate. I never meant to hurt you, especially after you’d been so good to me. I hope one day we can be friends. But know this, I’ll never forget what you did for me. You made me feel like myself again—something no therapist or even Tracy managed to do. I’ll never forget that.” Allison picked up her suitcase and walked out of the younger woman's home. As she headed down the street, she pulled out her phone and ordered an Uber. She didn't want to force Kate to look at her for a minute longer than was necessary.
A sob broke out of Allison's throat unexpectedly as she realized what she'd given up. The last few weeks with Kate had been amazing. What if Tracy came back and what they had suddenly wasn't enough for Allison now that she'd known a different kind of love?
Allison prayed she'd made the right decision, because one thing was for sure—Allison was the last person Kate would open her heart to in future.
14
The next morning, Kate woke up with a dull headache. She peeled her eyes open, straining against the bright light that streamed in from the window beside her bed. Kate's heart rate increased as her eyes darted around the unfamiliar space. It took a moment, but she eventually pieced the facts together.
Forcing her all of a sudden heavy limbs to move, Kate rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. After the conversation with Allison she had opened a bottle of wine to try to ease the horrible pain, but it was no good. Feeling a wave of emotions that she had never felt, and dealing with all kinds of erratic thoughts she did not think her mind capable of, Kate had called Jamie.
Love Me True (Small Town Romances Book 5) Page 9