Blurred memories from the night before flashed in her mind. She had done quite a bit of wailing and shouting when Jamie came to get her, and based on the change of clothes she was wearing and how dry her throat was, she had puked.
I feel like I don’t know myself anymore.
Kate wrapped her hand around her middle and shut her eyes. She desperately wanted to curl into a ball and sleep all day, but she felt too weak to make such simple movements. The combination of heavy drinking on an empty stomach and the terrible heartbreak she was enduring made it impossible for her body to respond to her mind's pleas.
"Don't," Kate whispered to herself, trying to stop the tears from streaming down her face, but it was too late. The moment she thought of Allison, the dull ache in her head migrated to her chest, making Kate berate herself for opening her heart to Allison.
Kate felt like Allison had gotten a hold of her heart, squeezed it, shaken it, then thrown it onto the ground, shattering it into pieces. Every breath Kate drew hurt something fierce, and it wasn’t long before whimpers turned into sobs, and she became a big mess.
After a few minutes of crying, Kate was desperate for the emotional display to end, but she was powerless to stop. Memory after memory of Allison flashed across her mind, and the final words Allison spoke echoed, accompanying the images. Gone was Kate’s anger of the night before. All that was left was regret, shame, and feelings of betrayal.
A knock on the door reminded Kate that she was not in her home. Before she could gather the strength to answer, Jamie had already made her way into the room.
“Oh honey.” Jamie settled onto the side of the bed and dried Kate’s face. “It’s going to be okay.”
Kate shook her head. At that moment, she felt that what she had just experienced would forever stick with her, that she would never shake it off. Kate felt like she could never be whole again.
“I don’t think so,” she croaked.
Jamie helped her best friend into a sitting position and moved to sit beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I know it doesn’t seem that way, but it will.”
“I’m not exactly in the mood to argue with you today,” Kate said wearily.
“I know you’re not, but I also know this is your first heartbreak. It feels like it will never end, but it will. Unfortunately for you, your first one was quite the achievement. It will probably take a while, but you’ll get there.”
Kate sniffed and rubbed her hand over her face. The more she thought about it, Jamie did have a point. Kate had been the one to end all but one of her relationships, and the one time she got dumped, she felt no pain. Kate and her ex had been growing apart for a while, and so the end was pretty much merciful. This was the first time Kate had ever genuinely fallen for someone.
"You really think I can get to a point where it doesn't hurt so much?" Kate asked, turning her hopeful gaze onto Jamie.
“It’ll always hurt on some level. All you can hope for is that the hurt will become a very dull ache that will easily be forgotten by the new joy and love you have in your heart.”
“That’s not very encouraging.”
“No, but I prefer to keep it real with you. My first real heartbreak came when Marsha left me for Beverly. Even though we’re together, I still get this pain in my heart when I think of those days. I want you to know what to expect. The first few days and weeks, maybe even months will be rough, but after that, you'll start to get back on your feet."
“I hope it’s days and not weeks. I feel horrible.” Kate shook her head. “If I’m brutally honest, this hurts even more than when I lost my grandparents days apart.”
“That’s the danger of romantic love. It cuts the deepest.”
“If I’d known what I know now, I wouldn’t have been so quick to jump into things with Allison.”
Jamie tutted. "That's not how it works. Even though Marsha hurt me the first time, I was powerless against what I felt for her. When true love comes knocking on your door a second time, you won't be able to say no, either."
"Let's hope that's not anytime soon." Kate's stomach rumbled. "I hate to cut this little tête-à-tête short, but I need to eat something."
Jamie grabbed Kate’s elbow. “Before you head out, there’s something I need to tell you.”
Kate sighed. “At this point, there’s not much you can say that will hurt me. Might as well get it out quickly.”
"Glad you feel that way." Jamie's eyes focused on the duvet. "Marsha knows about you and Allison. I was at your house for a while, and you weren't exactly quiet when we came in…"
“And you’ve never been good about lying to Marsha,” Kate finished. “It’s okay. I’m going to lean on both of you to get through this. You’re my best friend, but Marsha’s a close second.”
Jamie exhaled. “We’ve all been through a lot. I’m glad you’re not trying to deal with this on your own.”
"I wish I could. I don't feel like myself. That's the reason I called you yesterday. A storm of anger, frustration, and sadness was building inside me, and I didn't know what to do. I was worried I'd do something stupid." Kate hung her head. "To be honest, I still am."
Jamie pulled Kate into a side hug. “Lucky for you, you’ve got two experts on your side. We're going to do our best to help you get through this. All you have to do is let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. If you bury it, it'll come back at the worst time and slap you in the face, ruining whatever it is you have going on. You have to be brave and let the feelings come. Time, friendship, and good food will do the rest. Speaking of which, Marsha's made you some chicken soup. She wanted you to start with something gentle on your belly."
Kate looped her arm through Jamie’s and smiled. “It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with mothering Marsha. This is going to be fun.”
"It is. Sometimes I miss being sick. Marsha has this way of making me feel like I’m the center of the universe. It almost makes me want to change my mind about us having kids one day. But then I think about how selfish that would be."
Kate hummed as they strolled out to the kitchen. "Marsha would make a terrific mom."
"Glad to hear you think so," the petite blonde interjected. Marsha quickly made her way toward Kate and pulled her in for a brief, but firm hug. "I want you to know you can stay with us for as long as you need to. Jamie and I want to help you get through this."
Kate chuckled. “I’m not sure Jamie would like that. Based on the stories she tells, it sounds like you two have sex all over the place.”
Marsha's brown eyes twinkled as she glanced at her girlfriend. "Don't worry about us. We can always spice things up by going to a hotel."
Kate turned to see Jamie’s face covered by a massive grin. “It’s been a while since we’ve done that.”
“Glad I could be of help,” Kate joked.
Over the next hour or so, the three women sat at the kitchen table, talking about everything but Allison. As the hours went by, some of the tension in Kate’s body eased.
Part of that was because she was finally filling her empty belly, but she knew the rest of it was she wasn't alone. Marsha and Jamie avoided topics that would involve Allison, and their constant chatter helped take Kate's mind off her heartache.
She knew once she was alone, in bed late at night, the hurt would return. But for now, she would welcome the respite with both arms.
“You okay?” Marsha asked, breaking Kate out of her musings.
"I'm glad you two are in my life."
Marsha made her way around the table to squeeze Kate's shoulder. "And we're glad you've chosen to stay with us. This one," she said cocking her head at Jamie, "would have been a nightmare if you weren't in her sights. If I weren't so secure in what we had, I'd question your friendship."
“First off, eww,” Kate said. “Jamie and I are so not each other’s types. At least romantically. But platonically speaking? You’d be hard pressed to find a better friend. Jamie loves hard.”
“And don’t you forg
et it.” Jamie stood up and rubbed her hands. “Now, how about a group hug? Physical touch has been proven to aid emotional healing.”
Kate rolled her eyes, but let herself be pulled up to her feet. As she stood wrapped in the embrace of her two closest friends, a calm settled over her. Kate knew she had a long journey ahead, but at that moment, she was confident she would get back to a healthy place. When she did, it would be a stronger and wiser Kate who faced the world.
Kate mentally groaned when her following thought was about how Allison was coping with all of this. Allison didn’t have anyone to lean on except Tracy, who knew nothing of her situation. Even though Allison had chosen Tracy, a part of her must have hurt after the end of what she and Kate had.
Enough. No more thoughts of Allison. She's with Tracy, and you've got to learn to live with that. It's time to put your health and happiness first.
15
“First, I’d like to thank Kate and Jamie for making me this pretty cake.”
Allison clapped along with the other guests and did her best to smile as Tracy’s mother carried on with her 50th birthday speech.
When Tracy had first informed Allison of the occasion, Allison had been more than reticent about attending. It had been a good month since she had seen Kate, much less been in the same space as her. Fearful that her lingering feelings for the younger woman would only grow stronger if they should meet, she had done her best to wiggle her way out of the occasion.
Allison had used every excuse in the book, from claiming that it wasn't right for her to be part of a family occasion yet, to feigning anxiety about being in a crowd. But Tracy had countered each excuse and finally concluded that her mother would be hurt if Allison did not attend.
So Allison sat at a table in a conference room at the local hotel, lifting her champagne glass to the woman of the hour, all while gritting her teeth as she watched Kate from the corner of her eye.
Once it was clear that Allison would have to attend the event, she had done everything in her power to prepare to be in Kate’s presence, but it turned out, none of it was necessary.
When Allison walked into the beautiful but minimally decorated room, her eyes had immediately searched Kate out. She wanted to get the pleasantries out of the way so she could retreat into a corner. What Allison hadn't been expecting was the willowy redhead who stood by Kate's side.
The moment Allison spotted the attractive woman, the emotions she had done her best to bottle up over the last month spilled out, and jealousy reared its ugly head. Allison's fake smile dropped as she watched said redhead lean impossibly close to whisper in Kate's ear. Her blood boiled when she saw Kate throw her head back and laugh.
A few weeks ago, the younger woman had come very close to convincing Allison to leave Tracy for what she claimed was true love, and here she was, laughing it up with her new girlfriend.
The logical part of Allison was glad she had dodged a bullet. Clearly, Kate's feelings for her did not run all that deep, but another part of her felt betrayed. Kate had moved on so fast and easily.
The worst part is I can’t feel justified about being upset. I’m with Tracy. I moved on faster than she did.
“Allison?” Tracy asked, her forehead creased in concern.
“Sorry. What did you say?”
"I asked if you wanted another glass of champagne. You seemed lost there for a minute. What's on your mind?"
“Nothing too serious,” Allison lied. “Just thinking about the interview.”
“Don’t worry about it. Your credentials and your work speak for themselves. I bet they’ll be calling you first thing Monday morning.”
"I hope they do." Allison got to her feet. "I'm going to step out and get some fresh air. Hopefully, it'll help clear my mind."
“Do you want me to come with you?”
Allison smiled and kissed her girlfriend’s cheek. “No. I’m good.”
“Don’t be too long. I want us to get our turn to talk to the birthday girl so that we can head home and have some quality time.”
The hopeful look in Tracy’s eyes fueled Allison’s desire to flee the room. She gave her girlfriend a quick smile, then did just that. The double meaning behind Tracy’s words only served to increase the weight Allison felt on her shoulders, and by the time she stepped outside, she felt even more overwhelmed than she did while indoors.
Allison would love nothing more than to say that the moment she recommitted to her relationship with Tracy, everything had fallen in place, but that was a lie.
When Tracy returned, Allison's feelings for Kate did not budge one bit. And frustratingly, she found it even more difficult to access her feelings for Tracy. As the weeks passed, Allison doubted her decision more and more, but she had never been one to give up at the first sign of trouble, so she increased her efforts.
That had led to several romantic dinners she had planned at various restaurants in Brighton, and even a few heavy make-out sessions. But no matter what she told herself, Allison couldn't bring herself to cross that threshold. It was almost as if Kate had taken the part of her that would allow her to be a fully functioning girlfriend and locked it up.
“I can’t believe this is my life,” Allison muttered to herself. “It’s like I can’t win no matter what I do.”
“Maybe that’s because you’re trying to win at the wrong game,” a voice sounded from behind her.
Allison's heart leaped into her throat like a wild stag, and she whipped her head around to try to find the source. The only good thing that had come from her breakup with Kate was that her anxiety had taken a backseat. It turned out that her brain was not capable of fighting a war on two fronts. Allison had stopped having nightmares or fears about being out by herself, especially late at night. But now, standing outside a hotel on a quiet street in the dark by herself, she felt vulnerable again.
“Whoa, there,” Marsha said, stepping out of the building’s dimly lit hallway. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Allison placed her palm over her chest and rubbed gentle circles over it. “Please don’t do that. I scare easily.”
“I’ve made a mental note of that.”
Allison stared at Marsha who merely smiled at her. "What are you doing here?"
The question had come out a lot harsher than she’d intended, but Allison couldn’t help it. When she’d walked into the party, she’d said hi to the few people she recognized. Then when she’d approached Kate, she’d received a chilly welcome from her, and Jamie and Marsha who flanked her. The only person who smiled and greeted her warmly was the redhead, which only served to grate Allison’s nerves.
Based on that interaction, Allison knew Kate had told her friends about what happened between them.
“I wanted to check in on you. I know that being here tonight can’t be easy.”
Allison's eyes widened at the softness in Marsha's voice. The petite woman wasn't here to threaten what Allison had with Tracy or guilt her over how things had ended with Kate. Allison had been carrying the secret and struggling with her feelings for so long that she’d bypassed her better judgment and finally voiced some of what she'd been feeling.
“It’s been rough.”
Marsha nodded. “I thought it might be. You and Kate haven’t spoken in over a month, right?”
"Yeah, but she seems to be doing fine." Allison stared at the ground and drew circles on the floor with her ballet flats. "Friends, family surround her, and she's even got a new girlfriend."
“Are you talking about Sheila? The tall redhead?”
Allison’s head snapped up. “Who else?”
“Oh, they’re not together. Sheila’s an old friend from college. She lost her job and is struggling to cope. We didn’t want to leave her alone on her first weekend home.”
The ache in Allison’s chest eased some. "She doesn't seem very sad to me. It looks like she's flirting with Kate."
"Knowing her, she probably is. She's had a thing for her since our college days. Also, I know for a
fact that she's tipsy."
Allison nodded and continued to stare at the ground. The two women stood in perfect silence for a good two minutes. Before Allison could suggest they return to the party, Marsha piped up.
“Look, coming out here to check on you was probably not the best idea, but I couldn’t help it. Knowing what I do, I had to do something.”
Allison started to speak, but Marsha silenced her with a subtle shake of her head. “Please. Let me say what I came here to say. I’ve been where you’ve been. In college, Jamie and I had a brief fling, but I ended things when my longtime ex showed up. Jamie was a good friend, and up until that point, she didn’t exactly have the best track record with relationships. So I chose to stay with Beverly, even though I could sense things between us were different.
"I'm not suggesting I know everything you're going through right now, but I want to tell you something I wished someone had told me a lot sooner. You deserve to be happy, Allison, and if the signs I'm reading are anything to go by, then you're not. At least not like I know you could be. I wasted so many years doing the on-again-off-again thing with Beverly, and all that time, true love and happiness were waiting for me in the form of Jamie."
Marsha's eyes canted past Allison, and she smiled. "If I'd known how happy I'd be with her today, I would never have made all that mess with Beverly. But hindsight is 20/20, and the future is never guaranteed. I guess what I'm saying is that if there's any chance you're regretting your decision to end things with Kate, then you owe it to yourself and to Tracy to end things. Then, you can take the time to find out if you and Kate could be together. She won't make it easy for you, and neither will Jamie as you probably saw when you walked in, but true love is worth risking everything for. Kate is more than worth it."
Allison drew a shaky breath. “Marsha, I—” The sound of sneakers squeaking against the floor diverted Allison’s attention, and her heart skipped a beat as she watched Tracy stand behind in the open doorway with a glass in each hand, and her mouth agape.
Love Me True (Small Town Romances Book 5) Page 10