Before I Die

by Nikki Ash

  My touch spurs her on and, much like the first night in the club, she attacks me. Her arms go around my nape and her legs wrap around my torso. I hold her tightly, walking us over to the back patio that’s ready and set up for an outdoor barbeque.

  Setting her on the tiled counter, I peel her jeans off her, taking her underwear with them. Completely naked and exposed to the cold air, she shivers slightly. For a brief moment I worry maybe we should go inside. She might be all smiles, but she still has a brain tumor.

  But before I can voice my concern, as if she knows exactly what I’m thinking, she says, “I’m okay, Ethan.” Taking my face in her hands, she brushes a teasing kiss to my lips. “Please, just be in the moment with me.”

  “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I tell her before I press my mouth against hers. Her lips are cold and soft and plump. I run my tongue across her bottom lip then bite down on it, sucking it into my mouth.

  Gripping her hips, I drag her to the edge and, spreading her thighs, bury myself as deep as I can go in her warmth. Her ass lifts and she meets me thrust for thrust. Her fingers stroke my hair while mine stroke her clit.

  The only sounds that can be heard are from our bodies meeting and our skin slapping against each other. I find the slender column of her neck, sucking and kissing her overheated flesh. She tastes sweet, and I inhale deeply, needing her like I need oxygen. She exhales a soft moan, and then her walls tighten around me, milking my dick of every drop of cum in me.

  We stay like this for several minutes, our bodies staying connected in the most intimate way, while we come down from our high. She’s so quiet, I would think if we weren’t outside in the cool weather, she fell asleep.

  That is until I hear a sniffle.

  Pulling back, I look into her eyes and find fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “What’s wrong, Angel?” I swipe the falling tear.

  “Nothing,” she says, her voice cracking and several more tears falling. “Everything is absolutely perfect.” She snakes her arms around me and nuzzles her face into my neck. “I love you so much, Ethan. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to live for right now, in the moment, but I’m scared. I’m so damn scared I’m going to die.”

  I close my eyes and take deep breaths, trying like hell to remain strong for my girl. My heart is constricting and my stomach feels like a two-ton weight has been dropped in it.

  Nevaeh pulls back and sniffles. Her nose and cheeks are tinted pink. “When I made that list I didn’t know how to put into words what I wanted, what I craved. I had just found out about my tumor and I freaked out, scared I was going to die before I lived. So I went online and looked up the most popular bucket list items and that’s how my list was formed. But no matter which items I checked off, it still didn’t feel like I was living. I thought it was because I wasn’t doing the fun ones.”

  She hiccups through a sob and I want to shush her. Tell her it’s okay, and I get it. But she has thoughts swirling in her head that she needs to get out, so I keep quiet and let her say what she needs to say.

  “I didn’t know it at the time, but it wasn’t about the items. It was about the moments, the memories. When I’m with you, my body feels alive. My heart beats harder, faster. Electricity flows through my veins. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, where we are. As long as I’m with you, I’m living and loving.”

  Her mouth tips into a watery smile and, framing my cheeks with her cold palms, she says, “I used to be scared I was going to die before I lived. But now that I’m finally living, I’m scared I’m going to lose everything I have.”

  And while I want to argue with her, I can’t, because I’m feeling her every word she’s saying down to my very core.

  Nevaeh

  “I wish we could travel forever,” I tell Ethan as he pulls into our driveway. After spending a week in the mountains, we spent a few days in Orlando, visiting the Disney parks. We went on every ride at every park that wasn’t too strenuous and wouldn’t risk making me dizzy. We ate our weight in candy and treats, and got to see the most amazing firework show at Magic Kingdom. On the way back, we stopped in D.C. and checked out a bunch of the museums that looked interesting, and even did a tour of the Capitol and the Treasury. The entire trip was beyond amazing.

  “We can,” he says, turning off the ignition. “We can go to different places little by little.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “We have our whole life ahead of us, Angel.”

  A few weeks ago, I would’ve argued, pointed out there’s a chance my whole life might be over soon, but I feel I’ve reached a turning point where I no longer want to focus on the negative. I don’t want to live each day as if I’m counting down to the end. When it’s my time to go, it’s my time, and until that time comes, I’m going to live every day like it’s my last.

  “How’s your head feeling?” Ethan asks. My headaches have been worsening, so it’s a good thing my surgery is coming up.

  “It’s okay. I think I’m going to lie down for a little while, though.”

  “Why don’t we cancel with Blaire and Victor?” he suggests. “I don’t want you to overdo it.”

  Without thinking about how wiped I would be from the three-hour trip from D.C., I invited Blaire and her fiancé over for dinner and a movie, since we left before I could have them over. I also made plans with Raquel and Blaire to go shopping and do lunch this week.

  “I’ll be fine. I just need a little nap. Can you wake me in a couple hours?”

  “Of course.” He kisses my lips. “I’ll bring the luggage up.”

  “Thank you, babe.”

  The minute my head hits the fluffy pillow, I pass out and don’t wake until Ethan is kissing his way down my neck.

  “This is a great way to wake up.” I roll over onto my back and Ethan stops his kisses to speak.

  “I would love to take this further, but I let you sleep until the last minute and Blaire and Victor will be here soon. I ordered your favorite—”

  “Chinese?” I perk up.

  “Of course.” He rolls his eyes. “It’ll be here shortly, so up you go.” He lifts me into a sitting position and kisses me passionately.

  “Just give me a few minutes to freshen up,” I say once we break apart. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  After he leaves, I jump into the shower. My headache is gone, but I’m feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded, so I skip washing my hair or shaving and get out and get dressed.

  When I get downstairs, Ethan, Blaire, Raquel, Andrew, and Victor are all sitting in the living room talking. I wasn’t expecting Ethan’s parents to be here, but it’s a pleasant surprise. I stop at the foot of the stairs for a minute and watch everyone. Blaire says something about buying half the store and Victor beams at her. Ethan’s face splits into a gorgeous grin, and Raquel laughs loudly. Andrew chuckles and nods. These people in this room are my world. I hate that my parents aren’t here, but my goal before my surgery is to speak to my father and then hopefully get through to my mother. It shouldn’t be like this. We already lost Stephen. Life is too short, too uncertain to hold grudges and be mad at each other. My mother needs to understand my life is just that—my life. And while I want her to be a part of it, I’m not going to live it for her ever again. Hopefully the next time we’re all having dinner together, two more people will be here.

  “There she is,” Ethan says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “How’re you feeling?” he asks softly, when he gets over to me.

  “I’m okay.”

  “I hope you don’t mind, but my mom was chomping at the bit to see us, so I invited them over as well.”

  “I don’t mind at all.” I kiss his cheek. “More the merrier.”

  The evening is spent with the six of us eating and conversing and laughing. We don’t end up watching a movie, instead opting to take the get-together outside to the back patio, where the men smoke cigars and talk shop and the women plan our shopping trip.

  The evening is perfect, and af
ter everyone says their goodbyes, Ethan and I spend what’s left of our night wrapped up in each other. I never imagined my heart could feel so full and content as it does now. I used to think there was something wrong with me, why Gerald didn’t want me anymore, but now I know it was just part of God’s plan. I had to go through what I did to get to where I am. In Ethan’s arms, with him stroking my hair and telling me how much he loves me as he lulls me to sleep.

  Ethan

  “Baby…” Nevaeh coos into my ear. I groan in exhaustion, but roll onto my side to face her. I was at the club until early this morning dealing with the books. Because I haven’t been as hands-on lately, everything’s piled up and I had no choice but to spend hours catching up on everything I’ve been neglecting. My parents helped out a great deal while we were away, but there are certain parts of the business only I can handle.

  “I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving,” she says softly.

  At her words, I wrench my lids open and find Nevaeh sitting on the side of the bed. She’s dressed in a flowy white top and a jean skirt with some fluffy-looking boots—none of which I’ve ever seen on her before. She and Blaire and my mom went shopping and to lunch yesterday, so she must’ve bought it all then.

  “Just give me a second to get ready.”

  Before I can move, though, she puts her hand on my chest. “Rosco is taking me. I texted him this morning when I saw you got in late.” She runs her fingers through my hair. “I just wanted to say bye.” When she leans over to kiss me, my hand snakes up her smooth thigh and under the material.

  “This skirt is short.” I’ve never cared how Nevaeh dresses, but since she started coming out of her shell, shopping and buying the clothes she wants as opposed to the outfits her mother would approve of, she dresses a hell of a lot sexier—showing a lot more skin—and in turn, leaving me with a perpetual hard-on in my pants. Too many times I’ve considered selling everything I own and moving us to the mountains, so I can spend every waking hour in bed with my wife naked and under me.

  Nevaeh giggles, smacks my hand, and stands. “Go back to sleep. Rosco is waiting for me downstairs.” My phone vibrates on the nightstand, but I ignore it. Whoever it is can wait.

  “How about you stay here and cuddle with me instead?” I waggle my eyebrows.

  Nevaeh smiles down at me and shakes her head, and fuck if her face doesn’t light up my entire world. She has less than a week until her surgery and I’m trying to share her with others, but all I want is to lock her in our room and make love to her. When I’m not monopolizing her time, she’s been spending time with Blaire and my mom, shopping and having girl time at the spa. I think they’re trying to keep her spirits high and distract her from what’s to come. Today, she’s finally meeting her dad for breakfast. I offered to go with her, but she said she’d like to talk to him alone.

  “Wait…” I grab the backs of her legs and pull her into my lap. “I need one more kiss.” Our mouths unite and I get lost in the softness of her lips—of the way her tongue moves with mine. She tastes like the peppermint tea she bought the other day and has been drinking every morning. She says it helps with the headaches and dizziness.

  My fingers tangle in her hair and my other hand glides up the side of her leg.

  “Ethan,” she moans. “I’m going to be late.”

  “But it will definitely be worth it.” I pull her back to me for a kiss.

  “Goodbye,” she says against my lips.

  “Hello,” I murmur, not wanting to let her go.

  “Go back to sleep and when I get back I’ll make it worth the wait.” She pecks my lips and climbs off me. But before she can get away, I pull her back and give her one last kiss.

  “I love you, Angel.”

  “I love you more.”

  I keep my eyes open long enough to watch her leave, and then I roll over and fall back asleep, looking forward to when my wife gets home so she can make good on her promise.

  Nevaeh

  “I’m not sure how long I’m going to be,” I tell Rosco when we pull up in front of my dad’s office. “If you want to take off, I can call you when I’m ready to go.”

  He steps out of the SUV and opens my door for me, then looks around. “I’ll hang out here.” He points to the coffee shop next door. “Grab a coffee and catch up on some reading.” He pulls a rolled up magazine out from his back pocket.

  “Okay, cool. Thank you again for driving me.”

  “No worries,” he says with a smile. “Go on up.” He nods toward the building. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”

  After waving goodbye to him, I enter the building and go to the elevator. It takes a few minutes after pressing the button for the elevator to arrive. When I get in, I hit the tenth floor and watch the numbers rise until I get to my dad’s floor.

  The doors open and I walk down the hall to his office. His secretary, Glenda, greets me when I walk in.

  “How are you, Nevaeh?”

  “I’m good. You?”

  “Busy as usual. Your dad said you can go straight back.”

  “Thank you.” On my way back to his office, I pop my head into a few of his employees’ offices to say a quick hello. My dad has had this insurance agency since before I was born, and for the most part, his employees have been here just as long.

  When I get to my dad’s office, his door is open, so I walk in without knocking. Instead of sitting behind his desk, where he usually is, he’s sitting on the couch—with my mom.

  “Hello, sweetheart,” my dad says, standing and walking over to give me a hug.

  “I thought it was going to be just us,” I whisper, so my mom doesn’t hear.

  “She showed up and refused to leave,” he replies before releasing me.

  I should’ve known she would pull this crap.

  “Mom,” I say, walking over to give her a hug.

  “Nevaeh.” She stands and rakes her eyes down my body in disgust. I raise a brow, daring her to say something about my choice of clothes, but she keeps her mouth shut. Which is probably for the best since I’m no longer the girl who would cower at her insults and go running home to change.

  “Mr. Hansen, your food has arrived.” Glenda walks in holding three boxes in one hand and a bag in the other. She lays the boxes out then sets out the drinks and utensils that were in the bag.

  “Thank you, Glenda,” my dad says, gesturing for me to sit on the love seat adjacent to the couch he and my mom are sitting on.

  The three of us open our boxes filled with food from the deli we love and start eating. Mine has all my favorites: shrimp eggs benedict with home fries, fruit, and a toasted blueberry muffin on the side.

  For the next few minutes, we eat in silence. I’m not sure how to start this conversation. Do I bring up what I came here to talk to my dad about—what my brother told me? Since my mom is here, it’s probably best if I include her in the conversation. I also need to tell them about my tumor.

  Setting down my fork, I clear my throat to get their attention. “I came here to speak to Dad about something Stephen told me before he died.” I look at my mother. “I tried to speak to you about it, but you didn’t want to talk. Since you’re here, I would rather hear it from you.”

  Mom’s face goes stoic, and I can tell she’s already raising her walls, but she nods once for me to continue.

  “Stephen told me he came across a journal of yours that insinuated he wasn’t Dad’s son.”

  Mom gasps.

  Dad’s face whips around to look at my mother, his eyes bulging.

  “Is this true?” he asks.

  “No.” She shakes her head. “I promise, Stephen was—is—your son.”

  She stands, glaring daggers at me. “How dare you accuse me of cheating on my husband!”

  “I didn’t accuse you of anything,” I say, trying to remain calm. I knew she would react this way. God forbid she have a conversation like a mature adult, without freaking out and being dramatic. I can feel a headache looming and I�
�m trying to avoid it, so I can get through everything I need to say. “I’m asking you if this is true.”

  “And I’m telling you it’s not.”

  “So, he made it up? You didn’t have a journal…”

  “I told you he was your father’s son!” she shouts. “If you don’t want to believe me that’s up to you.”

  “Susan, you did used to journal,” Dad points out. “If there’s something—”

  “I can’t believe this,” she cries. “You’re going to take her side? You know how messed up Stephen was, and Nevaeh refused to see it. And now she’s married to that thug who owns a club.” She spits out the last word like it’s a curse word.

  “Mom…” My head is pounding and I’m starting to see stars.

  “No, I’ve had enough.” She gathers her coat and storms off, leaving my dad and me alone.

  “I’m sorry.” He sighs.

  “You don’t have to apologize for her. You aren’t responsible for the way she acts.”

  “No, but if I had stood up to her more, maybe I would’ve known Stephen was in trouble sooner and I could’ve helped him.”

  “You knew?”

  “Yes.” He nods. “After he passed, I went through his accounts. Everything was burned in the fire, so I had his mail forwarded to the office. He was in debt. Gambling with the wrong men and spending every dollar available on his credit cards. He was several months behind on rent.”

  I’m in shock. Does he know Ethan is one of the men Stephen owed? I want to ask, but at the same time I don’t want to bring it up if he doesn’t know. At first, I wanted to blame Ethan for Stephen’s death, but I quickly learned killing people isn’t how Ethan does business. Stephen’s death was one hundred percent Logan and even though he isn’t rotting in jail for it, he’s still going to spend many years locked away for other reasons. As much as I’d like to add to his sentence by going to the police and telling them it was Logan who shot my brother, I would never risk Ethan getting caught up in that.