Shadow in the Desert (Shadow SEALs)

by Becca Jameson

  Chapter 11

  Serena was buried under the unnecessary covers, lying on her side, facing the wall, hugging the edge of the mattress when Ajax eased back into the room from his shower and shut the door. The other side of the bed dipped as he sat, and she white-knuckled the edge as he climbed in and lowered to his back.

  For a few moments, he took deep breaths and blew them out slowly. She understood that feeling. She’d done the same before he’d joined her.

  Suddenly, he moved, rolling onto his side and facing her—a fact she realized the moment his hand came to her hip, just before he slid up behind her and wrapped his arm all the way across her torso.

  She stiffened. Her heart kicked into overdrive. It felt so good when he held her, and he’d done so several times today. But this was different. She was wearing a tank top and shorts. Judging by the feel of his hard body, he was wearing nothing but shorts.

  The hairs of his legs tickled hers. His arm nestled under hers. His breath was warm on her neck. She’d unwound her bun but left the braid in, so it was now trapped between them.

  “Serena.” His voice was a whisper that sent a shiver down her spine.

  She swallowed. What was she supposed to say? That she wanted him to scoot closer because it felt good? That she wanted him to sleep on his side of the bed without touching her? Her emotions were all over the place.

  His hand slid to hers where she fisted the sheet at the edge of the bed. He gave a slight tug. “Baby, come’re.”

  She pursed her lips and didn’t move. It was ridiculous. She was a grown woman. He’d already said he wouldn’t “maul her” and she trusted him. In theory. She hadn’t been kidding about not trusting herself though. The man was making her hormones go into overdrive.

  “Serena…” He sighed, his fingers wrapped around hers.

  “I’m good,” she managed.

  He chuckled. “You’re about to have a stroke.” He pulled her hand free and rolled her body toward him until she was on her back. He hovered over her, his fingers now threaded with hers, planted on the opposite side of her body.

  There was just enough light coming from the moon to allow her to see Ajax’s expression. He stared down at her, searching her face.

  She remained in her torn panic mode, mostly because her body was totally betraying her. She wanted his hands on her, and his lips. This craving had been growing all day, and now here they were, stuck for the next eight hours in the same bed. There would be no way to keep from bumping into each other.

  On top of that, she was making it awkward. She cleared her throat, but when she spoke, her voice came out all gravelly. “Could you just… Move to the other side of the bed?”

  He shook his head. “No. Not until we clear the air. We need to talk.”

  “We can talk without you touching me,” she suggested.

  “We could, but I like touching you. And you like it too.”

  She pursed her lips. No way was she going to ask how he could know that because she was positive he would have an answer and it would make her blush.

  “Look, there’s no denying I’m attracted to you. You have to know that. But pushing a woman to move faster in a relationship than she’s ready for would have my mother doing much more than slapping me upside my head.”

  Serena couldn’t help chuckle at the visual. “How would she know?”

  “Mom knows everything. Probably from the other side of the earth even. She’s probably pacing right now, brows furrowed, somehow knowing I’m pushing the boundaries and mentally warning me that she raised me better than that.”

  Serena giggled. “That’s a bit freaky, Ajax.” If he was trying to help her relax, it was working.

  He gave her a crooked smile. “My point is that I don’t want you feeling awkward around me all the time. I’d rather face this thing head-on, draw some boundaries, and find my damn team.”

  “Okay,” she murmured.

  “First let me ask you something too personal.”

  She rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what he was going to ask. “Yes, I’ve had sex before.”

  His brows shot up. “Really?”

  “Why is that so shocking?”

  He licked his lips. “I don’t know. You’re so skittish. In that case, is it just me?”

  She found his confusion endearing, and she wished she were the sort of flirty woman who could let him simmer with that information without elaborating. She was not, however. “It’s definitely you, but not how you’re thinking.”

  He lifted a brow.

  She sighed as she tried to tug her hand free so she could at least pull her tank top down. It had climbed up her belly.

  Ajax wasn’t having it though. He didn’t release her fingers. “Elaborate.”

  “I had a boyfriend. Long-term. He was a member of my church. My mother and his mother set us up and then the scheming began.”

  Ajax grinned. “I can’t wait to meet your mother.”

  Serena sucked in a breath. “Why on earth would you ever meet my mother?” The thought sent chills down her spine. Her mother would eat him alive and spit him out. Or… Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Ajax would sweet-talk the woman into thinking he was the best thing that had ever happened to Serena. Probably the latter. Ugh.

  He shrugged. “Because you and I have a connection. It’s not going to end when we get home.”

  “That’s putting the cart before the horse a bit, don’t you think?”

  Another one of his sexy grins. “Maybe. Now, tell me about this boyfriend from the church.”

  She sighed. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have with him or anyone else. Ever. But he was pushy and relentless. She knew he wouldn’t let it go until she talked. “His name was James.” Why did he need to know that part? Gah. “Anyway. He was a year younger than me. At the time, I was twenty-six. He was twenty-five. We were both spinsters in my world.”

  Ajax chuckled softly. He was so intense leaning over her. His fingers were stroking hers where he held them. The fact that he’d threaded their fingers together seemed incredibly intimate somehow. “You are pretty old,” he teased. “I’m not sure how I could even be attracted to someone your age.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Stop it.” She couldn’t keep from smiling though.

  “Go on. So, you were dating James the old guy, over-the-hill at twenty-five.” Ajax glanced away to one side. “So… If I’m thirty-five, what does that make me?”

  She giggled as quietly as possible. “Depends. Have you ever been married?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then in my church, it makes you gay.”

  His body shook from his silent laughter. “Right. Of course. Back to James. How long did you date him?”

  “A year.”

  “Wow. That’s a long time. Why didn’t you marry him?”

  She sighed. “This would sound absurd to my mother, but we didn’t have a spark. I kept thinking it would come over time. She told me people don’t fall in love overnight. It takes time to grow. That we had mutual respect and we would learn to love each other.”

  Ajax winced. “I assume that wasn’t the case.”

  “Correct. I tried. Every time I was with him, I had this weird pit in my stomach, like I was lying to both of us. I’m pretty sure he would agree.”

  “I get that. I’ve dated women who seemed perfect for me on paper, but something was always missing.”

  She nodded. Ajax was so easy to talk to even about subjects she wouldn’t ordinarily discuss with anyone. Like the uniforms who’d approached her and scared her that night when she was twelve. She’d never spoken of that night with anyone other than her parents and Jasmine.

  “Are you saying you slept with this James guy you weren’t attracted to?”

  Serena licked her lips as she nodded, glancing away. Why on earth did the admission embarrass her so much? No one in regular society would judge her for the “indiscretion.” Certainly not Ajax.

  “Are you sorry you did?” he asked.

/>   She shrugged. “Not really. I mean, it’s kind of weird. But I don’t feel like I’m going to hell or anything, if that’s what you mean. I learned a lot.”

  “Was this one incident?”

  The heat rose on her cheeks, and she hated that she couldn’t control the tell-tale sign of her embarrassment. “No. We did it several times.”

  His brow was furrowed. He wasn’t laughing at her. “What do you mean, you learned a lot?”

  “Just that sex isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. It’s more of a chore. I’m not sure I understand how the world is so overpopulated, to be honest.”

  She had to give Ajax credit for schooling his face and not making fun of her because that sounded absurd as soon as she replayed it in her mind. He cleared his throat. “Was James a virgin too?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, so two virgins with no experience who both came from a background in which sex outside of marriage is considered a sin didn’t manage to enjoy sex. Baby, that’s really not hard to believe.”

  She held her breath. Every time he called her baby, her nipples stiffened. Now was no exception. She squirmed in his grip too, squeezing her legs together before she had to turn her head and look away just to draw in a breath of oxygen. Her brain was foggy as if there wasn’t enough air in the room.

  “Were you at least someplace where you could relax, and not in your mom’s or his mom’s house?”

  She nodded, not meeting his gaze. “Yes. We both had our own apartments.”

  “So, either you just didn’t have a connection or he didn’t know what he was doing, or probably both.” He was so intense. Sheesh.

  She bit her lip hard and then released it. She was too mortified to elaborate and spell out exactly how things went down with James. Though he’d agreed to have sex with her, he hadn’t been openminded about it. She’d pictured romance and butterflies like in books and movies. James had seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to try to make it more than just sex. She’d had the sense that he’d felt guiltier than she did every time.

  James hadn’t fully understood why she’d even wanted to have intercourse in the first place since they weren’t married nor actively trying to get pregnant. He hadn’t brought passion to the bedroom, and when she’d attempted to spice it up, he’d frowned and shot her down, saying it wasn’t appropriate.

  She’d never managed to convince him that perhaps they could enjoy it. After all, shouldn’t they be able to find pleasure together if they were ever going to consider marriage? She certainly wanted to. James had not seemed interested.

  Serena shook the unwelcome thoughts from her head. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “Yeah. We’re done talking. So, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to kiss you. That’s all. Just a kiss. And then we’re going to talk about it. And then we’re going to go to sleep because tomorrow we have to be sharp and awake.”

  She jerked her gaze back to his. “Talk about it? Talk about what? The kiss?” Why on earth would we do that?

  “Yep.” Before she could wrap her head around that, he lowered his lips and gently kissed hers. He did it again and again until he tipped his head to one side and deepened the contact.

  Kiss? This was so much more than a kiss. Her brain was spinning. She was dizzy. When he slowly slid his body until he was mostly blanketing her, his leg wrapped over both of hers, his hand still holding hers, his other elbow next to her cheek, she moaned into his mouth. For a moment, she wasn’t sure where the sound came from, and then she realized it was her.

  She might have been horrified, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. All she knew was the way his tongue slid along the seam of her lips until she parted them for him. The way he stroked her tongue with his. The way he cupped her face now, angling it slightly. The press of his torso against hers.

  She became aware of his erection nestled between her legs. If they hadn’t both had shorts on, he would practically be inside her. Her shorts were damp too. She was pretty sure this was arousal. It was foreign to her, but it felt so good. Something came to life. Something she wanted more of with a desperation she wasn’t used to feeling. Something she’d instinctively craved but never quite grasped.

  Ajax kissed her forever, and when he finally pulled back slowly, he was still nibbling her lips. Finally, he slid down onto his hip to her side, leaned his chin in his palm, and stared down at her. He released their threaded fingers to trail his hand up her arm and back again. “Now do you know why people have sex?”

  She bit into her lip, unable to respond.

  He smiled and kissed her nose.

  “Yeah, it wasn’t like that,” she admitted. It was nothing like that. That was what she’d dreamed a kiss could be like. James hadn’t brought that to the table.

  “I didn’t think so.”

  “I feel kind of floaty.”

  He chuckled. “That’s a good thing.”

  Her chest was rising and falling rapidly. “I want more,” she murmured. It was the hardest thing she’d ever said. She’d tried to be bold when she’d been with James. Put herself out there several times to try to encourage him to show interest in her and in sex. He hadn’t budged. He was probably the reason she had trouble asserting herself now. Fear of being shot down.

  Ajax kissed her again, just a touch on the lips. “Good.”

  “You’re not going to give me more.”

  “Nope. Not today. Not here. Not in a stranger’s house.”

  She flinched. What the heck had she been thinking? “Right.” She tried to wiggle free of him, but he held steady.

  “Don’t pull away from me, baby. And don’t be embarrassed.”

  “Too late.” She squirmed against him, but all that did was make her sensitive nipples brush her shirt, so she stopped. A soft gasp escaped her lips which embarrassed her further.

  Ajax slid his hand up to her face, stroking her cheek and then her neck. “You’re so gorgeous, especially when you’re flushed with either embarrassment or lust. Both is even better.”

  “Don’t make fun of me,” she warned.

  “Baby, never. If we weren’t in a tiny house with strangers, I would slide my hands all over your body until you begged me to let you come.”

  She gasped. “I don’t… I mean, I’ve never… Not everyone can do that, you know.”

  His eyes shot wide. “Orgasm?”

  She wanted to fall into a hole in the floor instead of discussing intimate sexual details.

  He groaned softly as he kissed her again. “Go to sleep before I lose the ability to control myself.”

  She licked her lips, still reeling from his suggestion. There was no doubt she’d never been this aroused before. The only time she’d even come close had been earlier today under that tarp. Nothing she and James had done had ever elicited even one-tenth the response she was experiencing now.

  Mostly the two of them had floundered around, experimenting as if sex were a scientific experiment. It had been—for them—a failed experiment.

  For the past year or so, Serena had just assumed sex wasn’t nearly as fun as people whispered about. She’d lost interest in even trying to find someone special to spend her life with. Why bother? What was all the hype?

  Sure, maybe it would be less lonely to have someone by her side in her old age, but she’d have friends and volunteer opportunities. Marriage wasn’t for her. No matter how much it disappointed her mother.

  Now?

  She squirmed in Ajax’s embrace, trying to get comfortable, wishing he would turn over and give her some space.

  He didn’t seem inclined to do any such thing though. He loosened his grip enough to permit her to roll to her side, facing the wall, but that only made things worse because he snuggled in closer to her, spooning her body. His arm was wrapped tightly around her waist again, his hand covering hers.

  She held her breath for a moment because every time she inhaled, his thumb inadvertently brushed her breast. Her nipple was hard, and she craved
his touch.

  James had touched her breasts, some. Awkwardly. Like they were a foreign object. Mostly, he’d seemed kind of awkward about touching her and disinterested. He usually had a furrowed brow as if what she was asking of him was delusional and inappropriate.

  The one time he’d played with her nipples had done nothing for her. She’d simply laid there, waiting for him to be done, thinking about what she was going to make for dinner. Either he hadn’t done it right or he hadn’t been the right man to do it. Probably both.

  Touching her had seemed to excite James enough to get him off, so she’d endured it as gracefully as possible. When he’d gotten aroused, he’d put on a condom, his hands shaking, and eased into her.

  The first time had been a disaster. Not just painful but he’d come almost immediately, and then they’d stared at each other in embarrassment. She wished she could say it had gone uphill from there, but it hadn’t. It stopped hurting, but Serena could honestly say she got less than nothing out of it.

  She doubted James would feel much differently. He’d at least reached orgasm each time, and quickly, thank goodness, but otherwise, he hadn’t seemed like a man desperately eager to go another round. He’d had no passion or emotion. Either that was his personality or a product of his beliefs about sex. He certainly had a way of making her feel like what she’d requested was so foreign she might have been suggesting a trip to the moon. Sex? Why?

  Looking back, Serena thought he’d probably been so confused that he’d been almost frozen. He’d been deeply indoctrinated into believing sex was for procreation by married people. Not pleasure. Anything outside of that was too unimaginable to him. She’d rattled him and failed.

  Ajax shifted next to her, lifting her head a bit so he could settle his arm under her neck. Now he had both arms around her. “Can you sleep, baby?” he whispered incredibly close to her ear.

  Now both his hands were too close to her breast, several fingers grazing her oh so slightly. Did he realize this? Her nipple was tingling and there was a tight knot in her belly that demanded release. She squeezed her thighs together as she drew her knees up higher.