Ever Lonely (Ever James Band Book 1)

by Kimberly Lauren

  “I have a feeling you haven’t ever put yourself first. And no, it doesn’t make you a bad person to want to be happy and go for what you want.”

  “I want you.” I pulled him closer to my face, wanting his warmth, his touch, his everything.

  “One step at a time, okay? Right now, he probably thinks you’re still with him.” I opened my mouth to argue, but Rhett interrupted. “He still thinks he can change your mind, and therefore he’s still in the picture. The way you two have treated your relationship has probably created a few of your insecurities. You let him hop around wherever he wants as long as he’s back after the sun goes down so you don’t feel alone. I won’t be your next fill-in boyfriend. I'll be damned if you'll choose me out of loneliness." He stepped back out of my grasp and away from me. It was as if he had just poured a cold bucket of water on himself as he said those words. “We fucked up today. The only thing we can do now is be honest.” Swiftly, he pulled out the key card and unlocked the door.

  The elevators at the end of the hall pinged, and our useless security sauntered through. Mark nodded when he saw us, and I rolled my eyes at his incredible lack of professionalism. He needed some training.

  When Rhett pushed the door open, my stomach dropped. There was a good chance Noah was here, and I knew it was time to make sure he accepted where we stood. We were over. We had been over for some time now. Neither of us treated the other the way a couple should. Rhett was right; I just let Noah do whatever he wanted as long as he was back here at night. I was better than that. I deserved better than that.

  Despite all that, I really was not in the mood for a confrontation. “We could go somewhere else tonight,” I suggested to Rhett. I was physically tired and emotionally drained, and I knew he was too from the events earlier with his dad. Not to mention our time together in the dark, empty room. That was a memory that would forever be burned into my skin.

  “Pipes, you know we can’t. Look, I’m not making you do anything. Just do what makes you happy. But whether you break up with him or not, we should probably tell him what we did. We should make it right.”

  “I already broke up with him. Please stop implying otherwise.” I clenched his poor leather jacket tighter. "I don't want you to walk away, so you can spend all night thinking about whether we are a good idea or not. I just want more time with you.”

  "Ever, we're both exhausted, and we have to practice all day tomorrow. If you and I go anywhere else tonight, you know we won't be sleeping. And that's something we definitely shouldn't be doing again… while you two… are still…" He didn't finish that thought, just waved his hand in the air. "There are a lot of heavy feelings right now, so let's just sleep on it," he whispered back softly. “You go to your bed and I’ll go to mine.”

  “Can I sleep in your room?” I heard myself ask. “Just sleep.”

  Our bodies had made their way back to one another, as if they were magnets with an invisible force between them. Rhett’s hands slid down the side of my face, and I wished so badly I hadn't listened to my PR rep a year ago. She had convinced me it would be good for my image to go on a date with Noah Reynolds. And look where that got me.

  “You really don’t like sleeping alone, huh?”

  I shook my head. “That’s not why I’m asking.”

  “If you’re in my bed, then you’re mine. That’s not possible right now.”

  A door down the hall opened and we both heard, "Ever?"

  I stepped away from Rhett and he eyed my movement. A sigh escaped his lips, and he took a painful step away from me as well.

  “I guess that answers our question about whether he accepted your breakup,” Rhett whispered.

  "Ever? Finally! You could have fucking told me you wouldn’t be here until late. It's not like I don't have shit to do," Noah called. My stomach rolled. Rhett and I stood listening as glasses clinked and a liquid sound trickled. Noah must have been pouring himself a drink at the bar. He couldn't see us and we couldn't see him, but soon I would have to respond. "You know you used to bitch my head off about not wanting to sleep alone, but you sure aren’t making much of an effort to be here lately.” My teeth ground together. It was as if I had nothing better to do than sit around at home waiting for his schedule to clear up.

  “Well, you better go to him…” Rhett said, but the words sounded insincere. The muscles in his jaw ticked. His fist clenched open and closed as if he were trying to control himself.

  “I hate this,” I whispered. I hated the guilt, the fear, the awkwardness, and most of all I hated that Rhett was going to walk away from me tonight.

  “It’s not my favorite moment,” he agreed. His head nodded toward Noah on the other side of the wall, where silverware was clinking against glass, and he turned away. I grabbed his leather-clad arm between my fingers before he could leave. Rhett looked back at me and opened his mouth to say something before immediately closing it again. I wondered what he had been about to say instead of the “Goodnight, Ever” he did say.

  I stepped into the darkness of the kitchen and watched Rhett round the corner. Noah was at the bar cart in the living room when he looked up from his glass of whiskey and nodded his head in Rhett’s direction. “Oh hey, mate, I thought you were Ever.”

  “You’re not fucking Australian,” Rhett grumbled under his breath. He continued to walk toward his room, but then suddenly he stopped, adding, “And you've got lipstick on your face.”

  Noah quickly rubbed his hand across his lips and smirked. “Thanks… mate.” I knew he tossed that out there just to piss Rhett off. “Good looking out.”

  From what I could see, Rhett managed to contain his anger all the way down the hall. Rose stepped out of her room right as he grabbed the doorknob to his. “Hey Rhett, want to go...” Her words trailed off as she got a look at his expression. “Whoa, hey what’s wrong?”

  His voice softened from the tone he’d used with Noah, and I wondered if he had to force himself to calm down for her. "Sorry, not now, Rose." His door slammed, and I was left alone in the dark with only Noah who continued to stir his whiskey and scroll through his phone. Rose's door shut quietly behind her after she slipped back into her room. She didn’t tend to stick around when Noah was present.

  I made my way to where Noah stood at the little glass bar cart. I watched as he added an orange twist and cherry garnish to his glass, and I knew he’d prepared his usual Old Fashioned. It still cracked me up that he garnished his drink as if he were vacationing on a beach somewhere. My dad always told me that men didn’t need that shit. But then again, Dad only drank beer.

  Maybe I should have taken that as my first hint Noah was not the guy for me when he ordered his drink that first night. Lola once said you could learn a lot about a guy from the drink he preferred.

  I thought whiskey was a classic manly drink, but maybe I should have looked past the drink. I should have looked at the extras. I should have looked past the man with his pretty face and celebrity status. I should have looked at his extras. His garnish. There wasn't much extra when it came to Noah. Or maybe it was that there wasn't much extra when it came to the two of us together. I couldn’t lay it all on him. I didn’t do anything extra for him either. Together, we created a nice image that made a lot of people a whole lot of money.

  Noah looked up from his drink and spotted me. “Hey babe…” He considered me a few beats then sighed. “Uh-oh. Looks like I might need to make this a double...”

  “No!” I quickly exclaimed. “Then you can’t drive…” I snapped my mouth shut.

  “Shit, Ever, why do you look like you’re about to do something I won’t like?” He ignored my warning and poured more of the amber liquid into his glass.

  Oh well… he had people that could drive him. “Because it’s something that should have been done a long time ago. Something I tried to do this morning.” I pointed to the empty glass next to his and he nodded, already understanding what I wanted.

  I heard him sigh as
he started pouring my drink just the way I liked it. When he was done, he picked up both of our drinks and gestured toward the couch in the living room. I led the way and sat on the edge. Noah sat close and handed me my drink. I took a large gulp as I watched him lounge in that laidback way of his. It didn’t matter what drama was going on in Noah Reynolds’ life, he could still make it look good.

  “It’s the kid, isn’t it?”

  I sighed. “He’s the same age as you.”

  “But far less successful.” He cocked an eyebrow and smirked a little.

  “He’s an amazing musician,” I defended. Then I realized I was playing right into his hand. “This isn’t about him, Noah. This is about us. I think we’ve just come to a natural end, you and I. Don’t you? I was serious earlier when I said I couldn’t do this anymore. This isn’t the person I want to be.”

  “A natural end? You and I were fine until I started seeing that guy’s face always around.”

  “Fine? That’s not a word I want to use about a relationship that I’ve had for a year.”

  He opened his mouth to respond, but then paused when Nixon strolled in the room. I was honestly surprised that my cousin didn't have a girl on his arm. Relieved, yes, but also surprised.

  He looked over at us sitting on the couch and waved. “Damn guys… don't look so somber. You two look like you're about to fucking break up or something.”

  When we continued to stare up at him silently, a smile brightened his face. He pushed his way past my legs and sat on the coffee table directly in front of us, his knees touching the couch we were sitting on. Nixon never had understood boundaries.

  “Is that what’s happening here?” He beamed. Freaking beamed. “Are you two actually breaking up?” The asshole placed his chin in his hand and smiled at me, then looked over to Noah with the same shit-eating grin.

  “I never liked you,” Noah deadpanned.

  “Good! I’m glad we feel the same way about one another. I was a little worried you might miss me too much when she finally gave you the boot.” Nixon leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. Before he stood, he gave my knee a little squeeze—something he had always done growing up when I needed encouragement. "This is good, Ever. This will be good for you.”

  I groaned as he walked away and pulled one of my curls nervously. I loved my stupid cousin, but he also made awkward situations astronomically more uncomfortable.

  “Sorry—”

  “Don’t apologize, babe,” Noah said, his Aussie accent missing for once. “I know no one in your crew likes me. I know I can be an asshole. I wasn’t here for any of them. I was here for you.”

  I sighed and smiled at him. “It still doesn’t change that I want more than fine.”

  “You know just as well as I do that maintaining anything more than that in this industry is virtually impossible. You and I are good. I do my thing, you do yours, and we meet each other's needs in between.”

  I finished off the last bit of my drink and set it down on the table next to me. Inching closer to Noah, I raised my hands and placed them on his shoulders. His expression softened with my closeness.

  “You have been good to me in your own way. And maybe, yeah... this might have something to do with Rhett. But it’s only because he’s shown me more is possible. You make our relationship sound like a business deal. It's just not enough anymore.” My hands slipped off of him.

  “What more do you need?” he asked in that low voice he used with me in the bedroom. But it wouldn’t work this time. That voice didn’t have the same effect on me anymore.

  “I want those butterflies in my stomach at the anticipation of seeing the man in my life.”

  “Fuck butterflies. That shit is temporary, Ever.”

  “Maybe it is. Maybe I’m chasing an impossible fairytale. But I want someone who listens to my ramblings. I want someone who’s interested in the things I have to say and the things that make me excited.”

  “I can—”

  “I want the man I’m with to not come home with lipstick smeared across his face and reeking of perfume I know isn’t mine.” I wiped my thumb along the red streak he hadn’t fully wiped away.

  Noah finished off his drink with one long gulp and set it down on the coffee table with a loud thump. His legs spread as he laid his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

  “I didn’t—” he started again.

  I patted his knee and lay back in the same pose he was in. “It doesn’t matter. I have absolutely no room to judge.” I took a deep breath. “Noah… Rhett and I… we… today, things got out of hand and we…”

  He sat up and looked me in the eye. “You don’t have to say it. Let’s just leave all our sins in the past.”

  “Please, don’t let me off the hook that easily. I deserve some condemning.”

  He shook his head. “Well, you did try to break up with me this morning. I should have listened, huh?” he chuckled half-heartedly. “And I should have worked harder to create that passion that I saw the two of you have.”

  “That’s the thing. I think we either have it or we don’t…”

  “Maybe you’re right.” Noah’s hands scrubbed up and down his face and into his hair. “Well, at least my assistant packed up all my stuff today. I thought I’d be moving to your place, though. Shit… I guess I need to get my apartment off the market.”

  “You put your place up for sale?” I asked, surprised.

  “There didn’t seem to be a point. I thought we were… living together.”

  “Communication was never our strong suit. We were a terrible couple, Noah.”

  “We were fine.” There was that word again. He cringed, probably now realizing how lame it actually sounded. “I liked us.”

  “You liked having your cake and eating it, too.”

  He sat up and looked at me as if he were about to take a piece of his cake right now. I shot up off the couch.

  “No. No. No. Do not give me that look.”

  “Come on…” He eyed me from his perch on the couch. “Goodbye sex.” He stuck his lip out when I shook my head. “Pity sex?” I rolled my eyes and continued to shake my head.

  I pulled him off the couch and walked him to the door. "Goodbye, Noah." I had no idea how this was supposed to happen. I didn't want to drag it out any longer than necessary. I opened the door and stood between him and the hallway.

  “What?” He looked flabbergasted. “Right now? You’re kicking me out of the place I’ve slept for months… right now?”

  “You can’t actually think I’m going to sleep with you tonight? All the other beds here are taken. No, Noah, I’m sorry. You can’t stay here.”

  “My place hasn’t been cleaned in months. I don’t think there are even sheets on my bed.”

  “Good thing we're in a hotel, and you're a millionaire. I think you can figure something out.” I patted his cheek. “I can even ask Rose to call downstairs and get a room for you.”

  Noah wasn't mad. He was just taken aback by the situation he probably hadn't seen coming or didn’t want to see. Instead, he gave me a kind smile that made me feel like, even though it didn't work out between us, we weren't leaving on bad terms.

  His hands came up to frame my face, and I felt the softness of his fingers. Fingers that received massages and manicures. Fingers that had never once plucked a guitar or awoken something incredible inside of me.

  “I thought you were the one,” he said softly.

  “That just proves I wasn't. I've heard you don't think, you just know,” I whispered back.

  I watched as his face moved closer and closer. My instinct was to pull away, but I hated to be unkind to this man. We hadn't always been the greatest to each other—and he sure as hell didn't understand what monogamy meant—but he had been my friend in some strange way. Not always in the way I wanted, but when it came to the bare bones of it, I could count on him if I really needed it. It sucked to lose a friend in this busine
ss when there were so few to go around.

  As his mouth moved slowly toward my cheek, I knew it was just a parting gesture between two people who had shared significant time together. But I once again caught sight of the red smear on his face and pushed him back, while simultaneously dodging to the right.

  “Noah, you still have God-knows-who’s lipstick on you.”

  He had the decency to look guilty. “Sorry, babe,” he said, his Australian accent leaking back in.

  I cut him a little slack and let him hug me tightly. I could smell a faint hint of Serge Lutens Perfume. I knew the scent well because he had purchased the very same expensive fragrance for me in the past, but it wasn't something I enjoyed. I wondered who else he had given it to… and could he smell Rhett still on my skin from earlier? Guilt gnawed at my insides.

  I backed away from him. "Do you want Rose to call and get a room for you?"

  “No... I can find someone to go home with tonight. I mean, I’m single now, right?” He chuckled.

  I couldn't help but laugh at him, because that was just so Noah. And it was the definitive proof that this had been the right decision.

  “Goodbye, Noah.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  The door closed behind him, and I glanced around at my massive hotel suite. There were boxes scattered about, ready to be picked up tomorrow and hauled off to our newly remodeled apartments. To the left, I could see my room at the end of the hall. Empty and lonely. To the right was Nixon, Jared, and Rose’s rooms. And Rhett’s.

  I went to the right.

  Rose’s room was directly across from his, so I didn’t want to knock on his door and call attention to the fact that I wanted in. As silently as possible, I turned the knob, sighing in relief when I found it unlocked.

  His room was dark but his curtains were open, letting in the city lights. My bare feet padded across the carpet, and I spotted Rhett sprawled out on his bed with only pajama pants on. His eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open, soft breaths floating in and out. He had fallen asleep in a sea of papers, a pen still in his hand.

  A part of me wanted to scoop up all of the papers and go find a place where I could read what he had written. What beautiful words had come out of him while he had been emotionally charged and almost certainly upset?