The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  Men that sleep naked when you obviously hate one another

  Men that leave you without food, because if they see you, they’ll sleep with you

  Men that can’t admit that they fucked you on purpose

  Men that can’t admit their feelings

  Men that kiss another woman for a job

  Men that walk in front of you down the steps because you’re pregnant

  (I’m not sure if you’re seeing the pattern yet, but it largely revolves around men.)

  Men that invite little girls over for a sleepover

  Men that give children throwing stars

  Men that train little girls to become assassins

  Men that don’t remember you

  Being told that your tits look good in a top as a greeting

  Men that don’t believe their women

  Men that give money after sex

  Hiding a secret room of beds and hypoallergenic pillows

  Having a closet that is locked, and nobody knows what’s inside

  Men that play with wooden swords to take out their frustrations on others

  Men that crochet better than women

  Men that demand a relationship

  Men that won’t admit that ghosts are real

  Bringing a wreath to a woman instead of a bouquet of flowers

  Showing up for a date that the woman never agreed to

  Stalking said woman

  Staging a kidnapping, even if you never went through with it

  Tricking your woman into marrying you

  Getting shot on purpose for show

  Selling your woman’s house without her knowledge

  Moving her into your house without her knowledge

  Kidnapping her again. Twice is not cool

  Giving your woman a bullet-proof wedding dress

  Using your wedding as ground zero for battle

  Tricking your woman to stay behind from a battle you know she’ll want to attend

  Having a killer robot in the house

  Having tear gas in the house

  Having electrocution rods in the floor of the house

  The entire company having access to the cameras in the house

  People from work having access to all her medical records

  Refusing to allow your woman to help you

  Not eating your woman’s food, no matter how undercooked it is

  Pretending like you don’t want to be with her, when she knows you have a connection

  Making her feel like an idiot because all of your friends have been laughing at her behind her back

  When you don’t side with her, no matter how important the issue

  When you sleep with another woman

  When you accidentally shoot her, but pretend she was shot with a stray bullet

  When a man decides a friend needs space, but your woman thinks differently (It's time for a pressure trigger under the bed)

  That's a pretty general list you should follow.

  Superheroes

  Fifteen Different Superheroes and Scenarios To Keep Your Woman Happy

  Superman is the go-to hero for any man. The tights and underwear really maximize the size of your assets. Use this to your advantage. Make sure that tying her up is involved. After all, Superman can’t save the day if the damsel isn’t in distress.

  When playing Batman, be sure that the cables you use to rappel from the ceiling are the proper grade. The last thing you need is to fall on your face during a fantasy about being saved from the Riddler.

  Spiderman is tricky, but if you play this one right, you can tie her to the bed with webs (look on your favorite kink website for products and instructions). Make sure that you are both clear on the timing of this one. If you’re running behind schedule, make sure you tell her so she’s not suspended naked in the bed with no way of getting out on her own.

  Thor is a great superhero and his “hammer” is definitely a sexual innuendo you should use throughout this fantasy.

  Now, let’s not count out our darker superheroes. Wolverine has some great characteristics that will send your woman wild. Remember to grow out the beard. Women love the feel of the beard between their legs.

  Iron man is popular, but let’s face it, that suit is very difficult to get in and out of. I would use this one sparingly and only when you really fucked up.

  Now, the Phantom of the Opera is definitely not a superhero, but for the sake of argument, let’s say that you have a night at the theater with your woman. Your options are to attend and miss the game, or you can dress up as The Phantom of the Opera and put on your own musical show. By this, I mean sex. Don’t actually try to perform theater. By the time you’ve finished having sex, you can still catch the last half of the game.

  If you go with The Hulk, make sure your package is big enough to fit the bill. Otherwise, you’re in a huge suit and your dick looks tiny.

  Who doesn’t love Captain America? Make sure she salutes you!

  Ant-Man isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not sure where the kink is in this one, but it’s worth a try if you’re running out of ideas.

  Jason Bourne isn’t a superhero, but being rescued by him is definitely every woman’s fantasy. Stage a hostage situation and come to the rescue.

  Again, not a superhero, but Ethan Hunt is super sexy and capable of so many stunts and tricks. However, with the mortality rate around him being so high, I would either stay away from this one, or make sure you plan very carefully.

  Thanos, yes, technically he’s a bad guy, but willing to do anything to have ultimate power. Some chicks might really get off on this.

  Dr. Strange…That sexy cape floating around behind him as he’s suspended in air. Yes, very similar to Superman, but his powers are so unique, and he can transport you to another dimension. Just saying, it’s pretty cool.

  Black Panther is a little weird…I mean, a grown man dressed as a cat is weird, but then again, so is a man in tights. You have to pick your battles. Just make sure no one walks in on you.

  Losers Never Win

  Things Not To Do When Trying To Win Your Woman Back

  Do not offer her a place at your house, and then stick her in the guest room.

  If she asks for a drawer, this is not a proposal of marriage. Suck it up and hand her the fucking drawer.

  When you start to freak out about the state of your relationship, do not ignore her and then yell at her the next time you see her because she didn’t inform you of her whereabouts.

  Stalking her while she’s on a date is considered bad form. Hitting the date will only make matters worse.

  Planning to terrorize her to force her into calling you for help will never work and only make you look like a jackass.

  If you do have these plans, make sure none of your friends are stupid enough to mention it in front of her.

  Be better than the other guys stalking her. Send her flowers before they do. Otherwise, you look lazy and not devoted to the cause.

  Don’t assume that she knows you’re there for her. Showing up outside her door every night isn’t enough. She needs to know that you need to protect her as much as she needs your support.

  Body Language

  How To Successfully Navigate Women’s Questions About Their Bodies

  When asked if a pair of jeans makes your woman look fat, there are so many ways to get this wrong. You need to be sure that your answer doesn’t lead to more questions or make her question your answer in any way. The more questions asked, the more you’ll fumble.

  Do not make eye contact. Look over her shoulder, but appear to be looking right in her eyes.

  Never EVER look at her jeans. There will inevitably be a pause while you look, which will only lead her to believe that you’re really trying to figure out if she looks fat.

  Avoiding eye contact all together is also a very bad thing. You must look her way. Not looking will make her think that you don’t want to answer the question. Which, of course, you don’t want to, but you ha
ve to so that she doesn’t kill you.

  Making jokes about her weight is a no-no. You may think that you’re trying to relieve the tension, but you’re really just making her seethe inside.

  Refusing to answer is just like saying that she’s fat.

  If she asks if she looks like a stuffed sausage, immediately answer no. Again, laughing or refusing to answer will not make her feel confident.

  Asking her to turn so you can check her out from all angles is as good as admitting there’s a problem, but you’re trying to determine how bad it is.

  Finding her another pair of pants will end badly for you.

  Now, that being said, there are other areas of her body that you can definitely check out as you answer. In fact, enthusiasm is greatly appreciated. For example, are my boobs too big?

  Hell no! Your boobs are huge, and I love them that way!

  God, I’d love to motorboat you right now.

  Throwing out an ‘I love your tits’ can never end badly.

  Cupping her breast while muttering ‘fucking perfect’ will end in bed or with a blow job. I’m just saying…

  Hell Hath No Fury

  Your Woman Is Pissed At You. Let’s Examine Why.

  Let’s face it, women can lose their tempers faster than any man. You most likely won’t know why, and you may never find out. But let’s examine some of the reasons a woman may be upset with you.

  1. Did you put a tracker on your woman? If so, was it voluntary? We’ve all been there. Women are dangerous creatures, and even more so when they’re running around on their own. You have no idea if they’re safe or what trouble they could be getting into. This is true for pretty much all the women of Reed Security, but let’s examine just a few of the women, so you can look out for signs.

  Maggie. This is pretty much self-explanatory, but going back through the years, we can see the line of destruction like a wildfire spreading through a forest. Known for running off on her own, she’s bound to find trouble with the stories she chases, often carrying weapons to take out anyone in her way.

  Brooke. Looking back at Brooke’s history, you may think that she was the innocent party. She had been wronged. Her boyfriend used her…and then the crazy came out. Never trust a woman with a bat. It will only end badly. Then, to make matters worse, she took Rocco hostage. Now, I’m not saying that he was totally innocent in this whole thing. He did, after all, go along with it all to get laid. However, when dealing with a woman like this, you can never let your dick get in the way. It leads to destructive patterns.

  Claire. Yes, sweet, innocent Claire. She’s not so sweet and innocent since Derek came into her life. Now she’s more likely to be carrying a weapon than him. I.E. Thanksgiving at his brother’s…I’m just saying, he was packing for pregnancy, and she was packing for war. This is an example of a dangerous woman.

  Cara. So, everyone assumed that she was the weak one. She was terrified of her own shadow for so long, no one assumed that she would break out of that shell. Except for Sinner. He saw it all along, and he encouraged it. What’s more cathartic than taking out some bad guys? Apparently, this is one situation in which anxiety doesn’t strike.

  2. Did you fuck her and leave her, only to come back for more when she least expected it? Women don’t want to feel like a booty call, so if you’re going to do this, you’d better be prepared to tell her you love her first to avoid her wrath.

  3. Okay, men can occasionally be stupid when it comes to compliments. What sounds great to you, sounds like an insult to a woman. Men like that juicy ass to grab onto when they fuck. If you say that to a woman, you’ve just told her she’s fat.

  4. Did you forget to pack the weapons? I know this seems like a silly question, but remember, you trained your woman to be drawn to guns. Leave the clothes, take the guns.

  5. Taking a spa day and leaving your woman at home to take care of the kids is just bad form. Remember, you’re a man. You’re not supposed to like the spa.

  6. Did you yell at her for almost shooting you? You did give her a gun.

  7. Are you in a high pressure situation? These tend to draw out strong emotions in women, and they all react differently. Some join the fight, while others respond sarcastically. Just stay calm and weather the storm.

  8. Did you in any way contribute to the burning of her business? This is one of those things that are less forgivable, and you’re really going to have to work for that forgiveness.

  9. Did a killer robot go after your woman?

  Guys, the list goes on and on. Use your head here. If it probably wouldn’t make you mad, your woman is probably furious over it.

  So She’s Stronger Than You

  Your Woman Can Kick Your Ass. Eat It Up.

  Parting words from Parker:

  So, your woman can hand you your ass on any given day. Fellas, this is not a bad thing. There is nothing sexier than a woman that can take you in a fight. It’s like foreplay. She punches you, and you try to punch her back. She throws you against the wall, and you see it as an opportunity to kiss her. She knees you in the balls, but you only get harder. But the pièce de résistance is when she shoves you through a window. You didn’t know she had it in her. You thought you were going easy on her. You thought you were letting her win.

  You weren’t.

  I hate to tell you this, but sometimes, a woman really is that kick-ass. Sometimes, you just have to sit back in awe that your woman is stronger, faster, and has bigger balls than you. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or that your man card needs to be taken away. It just means that if you’re ever in a fight, you can count on her to have your back.

  When she walks up to you with that demonic look in her eyes that makes your balls shrivel up and your dick try to work its way back into your body, relish that feeling. Soak it up, and enjoy the fact that your woman can take care of herself. While the rest of you need trackers to make sure your woman is safe, I’m comfortable knowing that my woman is thinking I need a tracker.

  Does that make me a pussy? Absolutely not. Besides, there are always ways of gaining the upper hand. Say you’re in a car chase, and people are shooting at you. Things get crazy, and you might accidentally pull your gun and shoot her. It would be a total accident, of course. I would never suggest that you shoot your woman. Never. But accidents happen. Call it karmic payback.

  Besides, you’ll still have plenty of opportunities to take care of your woman. Even if she’s kick-ass, they still have those pesky feelings and cry from time to time. This is when you slip in and hold her, telling her everything will be okay. You’re the big, strong man. You’ll take care of her when she has a break-down.

  Unless you’re Ryan. Then, you’ll still be the one in the corner crying.

  Delivery

  Who Said Having A Baby Was Easy

  Your wife is pregnant. You think you have all the time in the world. You would be wrong. The first thing you need to remember is that women are unpredictable, and with them, their offspring. You need to be prepared for all outcomes, even those in which you may see and do things you never thought you would have to do.

  Never let your woman drive out of town when she’s already in labor. This is doomed to end in disaster. Even if she has all the time in the world, if it can go wrong, it will go wrong.

  Never EVER say “piece of cake” or “we have plenty of time”. Once you’ve unleashed these words, you can’t take them back, and you’ve jinxed yourself for sure.

  Know your landmarks and street names. In case someone forgets to put the spare tire back in the truck and you have a blow out, you need to know what roads you may be on. If you can’t give specific directions, no one can find you.

  Having a baby on the side of the road isn’t ideal, but it can be done. Have a medic on standby and a clean shirt, along with a helpful friend, and you’re good to go.

  Do NOT let friends look at your woman’s crotch. It’s not a pretty sight for anyone, but can cause injury when it’s seen unexpectedly. Give proper warning bef
ore peeling off those pants.

  Never make comments about how it really isn’t that bad. This is a good way to get hit in the face with a brick.

  If having a baby in a place— say a haunted, creepy basement— don’t stand around talking about the best mechanical way to get said pregnant lady out of the basement. Also, try not to comment on how much said woman weighs. This will earn you a punch to the face or a good shove into a very large hole.

  When delivering multiple babies at once, it’s important to stay calm. Assign tasks to the husbands so they don’t freak out. Chances are, the women will be calmer than the men.

  Don’t fuck your woman while she’s in labor.

  If you do, put the pedal to the metal and get her to the damn hospital. Oh, and remember to bring her along.

  Women’s Rights

  Bedroom Rights For Women

  There are certain rights that a woman receives as her relationship with a man progresses. A woman needs to understand these rights so she knows how to proceed in said relationship and doesn’t overstep her bounds. This section is primarily for the women, as the men already know what assholes they can be. Here are a few simple rules to follow for one night stands:

  1. If a man invites you back to his place, sex is implied and you leaving afterward is expected.

  2. If said man falls asleep in bed after sex and doesn’t kick you out, feel free to stay, but sex is expected the next morning.

  3. If you do stay over, a blow job is always a good way to wake up the man.

  4. Snuggling with the man is strictly forbidden unless he pulls you close to him. This most likely will not happen as men like their space when they sleep. Stay on your side, or you might get thrown out in the middle of the night.