The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  5. Coffee is the only thing you will be offered after a one night stand, but it’s really best if you leave right after sex.

  6. You do not earn breakfast rights until at least the third sleepover. You’re unlikely to make it that far.

  7. Showers should be limited to ten minutes unless you want to be fucked again.

  8. If you take longer, you will not be invited back.

  9. The exception to this is the unlikely case that the man tells you to take your time. No sane man will offer this, because they all know this is like giving a woman free range to snoop through cabinets and drawers and use the man’s razor to shave. That also will not get you a second invite.

  10. When leaving the man’s house, do not wander around the living room or look for pictures. They are not there for your enjoyment.

  11. If you want breakfast, your best bet is to go find a restaurant and eat there yourself. On the off chance that you are offered breakfast, eat what is given to you. Do not ask for extras. Be happy that he put forth the effort.

  12. When the man stares at you with his arms crossed over his chest, this is your cue to leave. There is no need for further discussion. If you continue to talk, the man will ignore you until you get the hint.

  13. If there is no suggestion from the man about a repeat performance, don’t offer to see him again. It’s not happening.

  Now that we’ve gone over one night stand rights, here are bedroom rights on the off chance that you are asked back:

  1. Do not expect the man to clean you up. This isn’t a romance novel, and men don’t actually do that shit. If you don’t want to sleep in sweat and cum, get your ass up and take a shower.

  2. Do not take longer than ten minutes. This rule applies no matter how long you’ve been with the man. Longer than ten minutes is intrusive and implies that you feel comfortable in the man’s home. Longer showers are only appropriate after some massive cock-sucking or when ‘I love you’ has been said. Here’s a hint: you’re not there yet, so don’t fuck this up.

  3. Never, under any circumstances, use a man’s razor. If you need to shave, go home or run down to the corner store for supplies. Our bathrooms are not a pharmacy for you to go shopping.

  4. Same applies for toothbrushes.

  5. Tampons and pads are at no time welcome under the man’s sink. If you have your period, you don’t belong in the man’s house.

  6. Cock-sucking is an exception to this rule. Since you won’t be getting any, there’s no need for you to stay, which means no tampons or pads under the sink.

  7. There are no household rights given out until there has been a steady amount of fucking between the man and woman. For a man, this is considered at least a month, possibly three. Household rights include: making yourself comfortable in the living room, cooking, sleeping in the next morning, taking longer showers, feeling like you can walk around the next morning like the men don’t have shit to do, asking personal questions about things in the man’s house, and asking to borrow his underwear. If you didn’t come with it, don’t leave with it.

  Independence Day

  How To Deal With The Independent Woman

  Women want to feel like they are independent, that they don’t need a man to take care of them. But as men, we are raised to take care of women as the ‘treasured’ possessions that they are. This is something you need to tread carefully on. Though you may feel the urge to barge in and take over, if done the wrong way, this will only push her farther away from you. On the other hand, she may truly not want your help, and if you barge in, you’ll only end up pissing her off. Ignore those instincts to rush in and save the day, and follow these tips and tricks to get your way when your woman is being a pain in the ass.

  When a woman looks uncertain about accepting help, it’s usually because she knows she needs your help, but doesn’t want to seem helpless. What she’s really thinking is “I really need help, and I want you to keep asking me.” If you keep asking, it seems like she’s trying to be gracious and accept your help rather than roping you into helping out. The key to all of this is the trickery. If she’s getting you to keep asking, then it’s making you feel like you’re really doing all you can to help her out instead of being forced into doing it. Yes, she is manipulating you. Take it and run with it. It’s the only way you’ll get to let loose your inner caveman and do the shit that needs to be done.

  So, how do you know if she actually wants your help? Pay attention to her face. Does she look like she wants to cut off your balls? If so, do not walk, run in the other direction. Run out that door, and wait at least a good day before making contact again. The minute you make her feel like she can’t handle something on her own, your relationship is over.

  Never tell a woman that things would be so much easier if they would let you handle it. That will land you on the couch or get you kicked out.

  This is about as far as we’ve gotten in our research. Feel free to add comments down below.

  Fertilization

  How To Successfully Knock Up Your Woman Multiple Times

  So, you want kids, but your woman is hesitant. We’ve all been there. Nature is taking its course, urging us to reproduce, but your woman isn’t quite ready. Well, sometimes nature can be a fickle bitch and you have to help her along. Let’s go over some of the ways around this.

  1. The first time should be a total accident. If you purposely get her pregnant the first time, she’s going to be angry with you, especially if you aren’t married yet. This is called entrapment, or the pregnancy version of entrapment. You want her to already be sure about you before you purposely trap her. But for the sake of winning her over to your side, an accidental pregnancy is the way to go.

  2. Now that you have her, you want to make sure you keep her. Sure, she’s tired and claims she doesn’t want any more kids. That’s just the hormones talking, and I mean the bad kind of hormones. The ones that are only present after hours and hours of lost sleep. You want that rush of hormones women have right after the baby is born. If she’s not up for a baby right now, you’re going to have to force it on her. No, I’m not talking about raping your wife. I’m talking about fucking her so much and so hard that your little swimmers have a fighting chance. The baby goes down for a nap? You’d better have her on her back and screaming from orgasms. It’s bedtime and she’s exhausted? Don’t let her go to sleep. Make sure that your dick is firmly seated inside her before she’s asleep. Yes, she’ll be mad that she’s pregnant again, but in the end, she’s going to be overjoyed when that baby pops out.

  3. By this point, she’s definitely going to be more on board with the whole baby situation. You shouldn’t have to fight to get her to have another baby. Maybe wait a tad longer than the last time. Still, if she fights you, fuck that insanity out of her.

  4. Baby number four…not many men can achieve this feat. Not all men are cut out for four kids. But if you’re up for the challenge, you should be able to knock her up again. Here’s the thing…there is some trickery involved. You say that you’re getting a vasectomy, but you really don’t. Yes, I know that’s deceptive, but you have to ask yourself, how much do you want that baby?

  5. Alright, this is where it gets tricky. She thinks you’ve had a vasectomy. Eventually, she’ll figure out that you really didn’t…right around the time she finds out she’s pregnant with number four. So, getting to number five is a little more difficult. She may withhold sex. She may fight you tooth and nail, but that just makes it all the more fun. Now, in order to achieve this fifth pregnancy, you’re going to have to stage an intervention. Now, I’m not talking about you gathering women around to convince her that she needs another kid. I’m talking about chasing her down and fucking her hard. Make sure that it’s soon after the last kid is born. She won’t be on birth control yet, and there’s a narrow window where you can get her pregnant. So…it’s not really an intervention.

  6. So, the last pregnancy resulted in an Ultimate Frisbee Team…Congratulations. You’ve reached le
vel ten on the douchebag husband scale. Well, that’s what she’ll think. You have seven kids. You should be grateful, but at this point, it’s almost like trying to see how many times you can get away with it. She thinks you’ve had another vasectomy. You went through all the motions. You have a witness. Hell, there’s nothing here for her to question. Now’s your chance to move in for one last kill. And trust me, it’s your last chance. You won’t be getting another. You may die before the baby is born, but if you have the balls to try, you have to take that chance.

  Good luck and Godspeed.

  Dating 101

  How To Successfully Date Your Teammate’s Sister

  Here’s the deal. Dating a friend’s sister is a little like calling a woman fat. You’re taking your life in your own hands with this one. No matter what your friend or teammate thinks of you as a person, you will never be good enough for his sister. Any extracurricular activities that were once funny are now heavily criticized. If you can withstand the inevitable anger and violence, you may have a shot. Don’t fuck it up with the sister after you have approval from the brother. Follow these tips to achieve success.

  These first rules are things that should be avoided should he accidentally find out about you and his sister.

  Do not answer the door half naked at her house.

  Do not tell your friend it was just a night of fun.

  Do not tell your friend all the dirty things his sister said to you.

  Do not tell your friend that his sister has an amazing body.

  Do not tell your friend that his sister has a magical pussy.

  Do not admit to not knowing his sister’s name before you fucked her.

  Do not tell your friend that his sister is old enough to decide who to fuck.

  When questioned about fucking his other sisters, do NOT ask what they look like.

  Do not admit that you didn’t actually talk before taking her home to fuck her.

  Alright, now that we’ve covered the basics of what not to say once your teammate finds out about you and his sister, let’s move on to some other rules, once you’ve been taken to a random warehouse where he will eventually beat you to death if you say any of the following. None of these are acceptable answers.

  If he asks you to explain why you were fucking his sister, do not answer that you didn’t know she was his sister. This leads to other questions, like “Did you screw the other sister too?” In which case, do not ask what she looks like. See above. It’s all written there.

  If he asks if you knew she was married, do not respond with, “We didn’t exactly do a lot of talking.” By now, you’re well on your way to having your face smashed in.

  Do not say that you were just going out to find some pussy. This is not an excuse when it comes to his sister. Again, this will earn you another punch to the face.

  If he threatens you with a wedding chapel if you go near her again, don’t remind him that she’s already married.

  Do not mention his sister fucking random dudes. He doesn’t want to think of his baby sister spreading her legs for anyone in a bar.

  Now that you’ve had your first beatdown by your teammate, let’s go over ways to behave around him and others when also around his sister.

  Do not stare at his sister in public until you have talked about the situation with your friend.

  Choose your friends wisely until you have successfully transitioned into dating her. Make sure those friends will be loyal to you and not rat you out.

  Understand that the rules that applied to other friends going after a woman will not apply to you.

  Holding her kids in front of your teammate will only piss him off. He’s not ready to accept you into the fold yet, so keep your distance.

  Okay, along this same thread are rules that you need to follow when dating his sister.

  Staying the night with her if she has kids is dangerous territory. Kids will most likely join you in bed, and you have no say in this.

  If kids join you in bed, always put on boxers.

  You will earn major brownie points if you get up with the kids the next morning and let her sleep in.

  All those brownie points will immediately be taken away the minute you offer to have a sleepover with her daughter.

  When she freaks out about this new relationship, it’s best to take a step back and give her a moment to think things over. She’ll eventually come back for your cock.

  Threatening her children with a gun, however unintentional, is not a way to get on her good side.

  Do not get caught having sex while watching porn.

  If he comes after you with a gun, run for your life. At this point, he’s lost his mind, and no amount of reasoning will save your life.

  Above all, you have to prove that you’re the only man that can protect her. Now, I would never suggest that you put your woman in danger so that you can protect her, but if that were to happen, that’s a great way to earn his trust.

  Writing that in the rulebook will earn you another beatdown.

  Dating For Dummies

  Preparing Yourself For The First Date

  The first date is a big deal. A woman will notice everything about you from what you’re wearing to how you speak to her. And if you make it home after that, she’ll be judging a hell of a lot more than that. You need to be prepared to make a good impression.

  Know your woman. If her first husband was an accountant and always wore suits, you don’t want to dress the same as him. You need to show her that you’re different. Leave no room for comparison.

  Know your best features. You’re tattooed and muscled. Show that shit off. Women go crazy for tats. Make sure they’re on display, along with your muscles. A woman sees those muscles and her libido suddenly goes into overdrive.

  Black is always better than white. White shirts show importance and a sense of superiority. Black is dangerous and breaks all dating laws. You want her to know that you don’t give a shit about social norms and that you’re a man that stands on his own two feet. Yes, it’s just a color, but it’s the difference between being a pussy and being the man who can defend her.

  Leave the tie at home. And the bowtie. No self-respecting man wears a bowtie. The tie is a signal of wealth and power. Unbutton the top button of your shirt and let her know you’re relaxed and ready for a good time.

  If you play with guns on a daily basis, don’t show up for your date in dress shoes. You’re a man. Act like it.

  Boxers are out. A woman wants to see her man’s package on full display in his underwear. Buy yourself some boxer-briefs.

  Never wear any kind of boxers with dogs on them. The ladies may love them, but you never want the word cute associated with anything so close to your dick.

  Sweatage is a problem with boxer-briefs. There’s not a whole lot you can do to prevent this. And at the end of the night, the last thing you want is her face near your sweaty ball sack. Dab a small amount of cologne down there to help mask the smell.

  Don’t Be A Crybaby

  You Got Dumped. What Happens Now?

  You put yourself out there, and it didn’t work out. It happens to us all, but it’s how you deal with the breakup that separates the men from the boys. Now, I’m sure you think the correct answer is to go out and watch a few strippers. That would be wrong and will ensure that you never see your woman again. The key to any breakup is to rely on those closest to you. Leaning on a friend, or even everyone at the company, is a great way to work past the sorrow and frustration you’re dealing with.

  Here are some helpful tips in dealing with a breakup.

  Have lots of alcohol on hand.

  Make sure you always have reinforcements that can bring more beer.

  Watching movies can be especially healing and can help you get in touch with your inner man-child. I would suggest Dirty Dancing, Titanic, or even The Bridges Of Madison County.

  Others will judge you. Make sure to remind them of as much shit that they did wrong as possible. This is how you inevit
ably bond with your friends and get them on your side. For example:

  Remind him of the time he almost let his woman die.

  Or when he left his girlfriend alone and pregnant at the age of seventeen.

  These are great ways to draw others into the conversation and make them spill the beans on how they have also fucked up, like getting a girl you loved killed. Suddenly, you don’t feel like the only shitty person in the room, and it makes your life feel a little less pathetic.

  5. Now is the perfect time to come up with inspirational shit that can be used in the future.

  “You’ll get her back,” Jules said, patting me on the shoulder. “It can’t be over. She’s your shoelace.”

  “What?” I asked drunkenly. Surely I had heard him wrong. “Did you just say she’s my shoelace?”

  “Yeah, like, you can’t wear shoes without fucking shoelaces,” Jules snorted. “You’d trip over your own fucking feet cuz your shoes would fall off.”

  Now, the brilliance of this drunken moment is that the shoelace reference is spot on. Once you’ve met the woman of your dreams and decided that she’s yours and always will be, you’ll realize that she is literally the thing that is holding your life together. Meaning, if you didn’t have any fucking shoelaces, your life would inevitably fall apart.

  6. A well-played game of Quidditch will also help you feel better, but be prepared for the inevitable heartbreak when it reminds you of the love you just lost.