The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  2. Your friends are going to give you advice. Don’t listen to them. They’ll tell you how they would do it, but in the end, this has to be what you want to do.

  3. Buy a fucking ring. I can’t stress this enough. What if the opportunity to propose presents itself and you don’t have a fucking ring? You’ll look like an unprepared idiot if you propose without one.

  4. Every move you make after you realize you want to marry her has to be strategically planned. You can’t be too happy, but you can’t act all melancholy and shit. You can’t tip her off that something’s going on with you. Refer back to the first tip. Make a plan and execute. Rip off the bandaid. Pull the trigger. You get the idea.

  The Wedding

  How To Ensure Your Woman Is Happy On Her Wedding Day

  Look, women are a minefield, and every move you make could end in your death. This is especially true around her wedding day. Don’t do anything to piss her off. If she’s stressed, try and calm her down. Do NOT actually tell her to calm down.

  Here’s how to ensure your wedding day goes off without a hitch:

  1. If she doesn’t like attention, fly to Vegas and go the easy route. Stress-free is always a good thing.

  2. Make sure she remembers her wedding day. Now, I’m sure some of you think this shouldn’t be a necessary reminder, but not every bride is excited about getting married.

  3. Give her a few grenades to throw if it’ll keep her calm. Gunfire can be very cathartic also.

  4. Give her a themed wedding or plan for something exciting to happen. Now, I’m not saying that superheroes are every woman’s fantasy, but if done right, she’ll have the wedding of her dreams. If a gang shows up, you’ll have a fight on your hands, which can also turn out well.

  5. So many things can go wrong on a wedding day. Keep things like fake eyebrows handy in case of any accidental eyebrow waxing. If those eyebrows move, do your best to discreetly put them back in place and glare at anyone that may laugh. She won’t know they’re messed up until the pictures arrive.

  6. A quick wedding in your living room after you find out that she’s pregnant can be a good thing. No muss, no fuss. You’re married and didn’t have to put in a lot of effort.

  7. Having someone else say your wedding vows for you can be a good way around the indecision of whether or not to get married. Are you technically married? Who knows, but it takes the pressure off.

  8. If she tells you to keep it small, listen to her. The last thing you want is to run around at the last minute and throw away all the shit you put out for her.

  9. If your woman thinks you’re saving her life by marrying her, you can speed up this whole process. A well placed shot to the shoulder adds to the threat, and then you’re getting married in a Vegas chapel. How you hold onto her after the ruse is up is all on you.

  10. While it may seem like a good idea to plan an attack on your enemy at your wedding, this is hardly advisable, and probably won’t turn out the way you planned. Make sure you have a bullet-proof wedding dress and your insurance is paid up for any potential disasters. Hey, it’s still romantic to get married amongst carnage if your friends are with you.

  11. Turnabout is fair play. When she decides she doesn’t want to get married, you simply tell her that you understand her point of view, but you’re still getting married. Haul her ass to the altar.

  12. When you just can’t get the words out, when everything comes out jumbled and you sound like an idiot, don’t worry. Your teammates are there to drag you off to get married. They’ll dumb it down for you and ensure that your woman still wants to marry you.

  Murder In The First Degree

  Things To Say To Your Wife That Will Ensure Your Untimely Death

  Guys, let me tell you something, women are naturally hard to figure out. There are certain things you can say now that you’re married, but here are some things you are NEVER allowed to say.

  “You’re just like your mother.” This is one that no man should ever say. Even if your wife loves her mother, there are always flaws, and when you say this, it’s pointing to the negative. And if you say this in a positive way, I’m going to question your relationship with your mother-in-law.

  “It looks like you’ve put on a little weight.” I can think of only one or two instances in which this would be a good thing to say. If your wife is extremely ill and has lost way too much weight and is finally putting it back on. Again, you have to be careful how you say this. It should be followed up with, you look healthy, or something equally profound to let her know that you’re only concerned with her well-being and not her actual weight. Another reason you could say this is if she’s been kidnapped by a serial killer and has been starved for days and is rail thin. Has your wife been kidnapped? Then keep your damn mouth shut.

  “Did you take your pills today?” Seriously, if you say this to your woman, it’s like asking to unleash a deadly virus on the world. Is she in a bad mood? Of course, but if you ask her about pills, you’re taking into account her mental stability, insinuating that she needs to be medicated in order to be normal. And if your wife DOES take pills for anxiety or any other mental disorder, well, run the other way. You’ve insulted her and she will most likely smother you in your sleep.

  “Isn’t your chain getting a little too long?” Yes, we know you’re trying to be funny. She’s the little housewife and belongs in the kitchen. You’re frickin’ hilarious. You’re also the stupidest man on the planet. No sane man would ever suggest in this day and age that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. It’s Dinty Moore Beef Stew for you for many nights to come.

  “Did you see how beautiful she was?” There are many variations of this one. Each one is an insult to your woman. Sure, they can ogle men all day long, but one look at another woman, and you’re in the dog house. If she asks who the most beautiful woman is that you’ve ever met, you know you’re in trouble. Never ever mention another woman’s looks. Anything you say can potentially be turned against you. “Did you see how fat she was?” Now you’re insulting another woman and she will most likely take offense to this as well. “Her thighs are too big.” And then she’ll ask if you’ll still love her if her thighs get that big. See? There is no simple, easy way out of this. Keep your mouth shut when it comes to another woman’s looks.

  “Is the maid coming this week?” This is right up there with saying her chain is too long. Not only are you implying that she can’t handle the housework on her own, you’re also telling her she needs to get on it. Understand that while most men assume their wives sit around eating bonbons all day while they watch soap operas, you are never allowed to voice this to them. You have your life during the day, and the minute you start pointing out what she’s doing during the day is when she’ll start checking up on you at work. Do you really want her to see what you’re doing all day? Face it, guys, you really aren’t busy all day at work.

  “Your ass is juicy.” There are many variations of this one. Just don’t go there. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a compliment. Men love a nice, big, juicy ass to grab onto. More cushion for pushin’. That’s what we all say…but that’s not the way they take it. Women are all about appearances, even when they think they aren’t. Under no circumstances should you ever tell a woman she has a big ass.

  Firearm Protection

  How To Find, Disarm, and Hide Your Woman’s Firearms

  How To Find, Disarm, and Hide Your Woman’s Firearms

  Women are dangerous creatures. You never really know what they’re thinking, and that puts you in a fragile position. She could walk in the house, completely pissed, and you’ll have no idea why. Now, there are several ways to handle this. Trust me, however you handle it, it’ll be the wrong way. There’s just no way to truly read a woman, but there are ways to diffuse the situation if you can find the subtle hints.

  For the first part of this lesson, let’s cover the basics. First, there are two types of women. The first is fragile like a flower. This type of woman is more likely to
start crying when she gets angry or sad. The second type of woman is fragile like a bomb. Now, here’s where you have to be really careful, because if you don’t hide those guns, you’ll end up with a grenade in your hand, sans pin. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s not a good feeling.

  The first type of woman is almost more deadly than the second. If you can’t handle the crying, you’re going to end up with the second woman in combination with the first. See, that’s where women get you. You think that you have them figured out, and then they change on a dime, and you’re dealing with an entirely new creature.

  Okay, so, the real point of this first part is to basically tell you that you won’t find out what you did wrong with a crying woman. They don’t make sense, so don’t try to understand them. I know in previous chapters, we’ve given you ways to handle them, but basically, it’s all bullshit. If you don’t know how you fucked up, you’re screwed. Ride out the storm and move on with life. Sex is not recommended unless you want a cast iron skillet tossed at your head. For some strange reason, sex is never the answer to solving problems with women.

  On to fragile like a bomb. These are the women who will turn on you on a dime, and the real topic of this conversation. While the first type of woman is dangerous and could turn on you, it is guaranteed that a fragile like a bomb woman will have weapons on her at all times, or will use sex to gain what she needs to take you down. Why, you ask? Because men think with their dicks and women know this.

  The first thing you need to realize about this type of woman is that they will hide weapons in the most unlikely places. Even car seats aren’t out of the question. Just remember, if you taught her to use that weapon, she can and will use it against you in the future, so really think about whether or not you want to give her that power. Remember, a handgun doesn’t have to be fired to be a lethal weapon.

  The second thing you need to know is that a woman doesn’t need a weapon at all to take you out. She will use any resource available, and all women have one thing in common: they have knees. They draw you in with their plump lips and come fuck me looks, and just when you’re about to ravage her, you get a knee to the balls. And the thing is, you can’t even cry when you feel like your body is shriveling up and about to die. That would make you look weak, and you can never look weak in front of your woman. She will use it against you every chance you get.

  So, your question is, where do you look for these firearms or other deadly weapons, and how do you remove them from your life? The real answer to this question is to not supply them at all. However, if your woman insists on having a firearm, here are a few places to look out for these deadly weapons:

  On her body. Never assume that a woman isn’t armed. They find the most unlikely places to store a gun on their person.

  In her purse. Now, this one is obvious. Most women will carry a gun in their purse for the simple fact that it makes them feel safer.

  On the back of the car seat. If you’re ever wondering where that gun came from, check in the diaper bag, the car seat, or any other baby paraphernalia.

  In the suitcase. That’s right. You thought you were going on vacation, but that heavy suitcase that your wife packed? Yeah, that’s full of weapons.

  Under the bed. Never ever assume that your woman isn’t hiding weapons under the bed. And if she is, you should be prepared for the fact that there may be a few grenades.

  In general, if you’ve fucked up, or think there’s a chance you’ve fucked up, use those skills you learned in the military to really sniff out the danger. Think of her as a terrorist and find the best way to disarm her without killing her.

  Answering the Unanswerable Questions

  You Think You Know The Right Answer. Trust me, You Don’t.

  There comes a time in every man’s life where he thinks he knows the right answer to a question, but realizes it’s futile to try and answer. See, the problem is, no matter what your answer is when asked the unanswerable question, there will be an all out war. Let’s give an example.

  You get home from work and you’re in a pissy mood. It’s been a long day and you’ve been shot at one too many times today. Your feet are killing you, and you just want to sit back and relax with some Downton Abbey. Yeah, it’s a girly show, but you know you love it and use her as the excuse to get to watch it.

  Anyway, you walk through the door and you see that the cabinet that the both of you agreed to put in the hallway is now in the kitchen. It pisses you off because you spent two fucking hours discussing where this damn cabinet was going to go. You built it and put the damn thing there just last night. But now the cabinet is sitting in the kitchen, and you’re wondering what the hell that two hour discussion was about last night.

  And the whole fucking thing pisses you off because you could have been relaxing, watching Downton Abbey, but instead, you were trying not to shoot your brains out as your wife rattled off pros and cons of where to put it. So, you stare at the damn thing, and you try not to rip the damn thing apart just because you can.

  Your wife walks into the kitchen and sweetly wraps her arms around you, holding you as if she hadn’t just thrown the whole fucking plan out the window. You tense up, and try not to explode. And then she says it. Those nine words that are worse than any kind of torture. You’d rather have pins shoved under your fingernails than hear those nine words.

  “So, do you like where I put the cabinet?”

  You take a deep breath and you try really fucking hard not to say what you really want to say. Which you know is, “If you were going to put the fucking cabinet wherever the fuck you wanted, why did we have to discuss it for two fucking hours last night?”

  Of course, you can’t say that. Saying that is like asking to get fucked in the ass for an hour straight. It’s uncomfortable and a waste of time. So, instead, you put on your best fake smile and say, “Of course. I always like what you do.”

  But…here’s the problem. Men are terrible at hiding their true emotions. It shows all over their faces, and it’s showing on yours right now. She takes a step back and her chin begins to quiver. You’ve just fucked up. Not only are you about to get tears, but you’re also going to get yelled at for being an asshole.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Those two words are worse than the nine she previously asked you. There is absolutely no way that you can answer this and come out alive. This right here is the unanswerable question. If you tell her that you’re pissed because she wasted your time last night, she’s going to argue that she was trying to include you in what she did with the house. She wanted your opinion. Is that really so bad?

  And if you say that there’s nothing wrong, she’s going to know you’re lying. You’ll do your best to keep it inside. You’ll tell her that everything is fine, but what you don’t realize is that women have noses like a bloodhound and they can sniff out that lie as soon as it leaves your mouth. Not only does she know that you’re lying, she knows that you’re purposely avoiding answering the question because you don’t want to start an argument.

  Now, this right here is the key to all of this. The argument is what she’s after. Don’t listen to those pleas that she just wants you to be honest with her. Don’t let her tell you that if you would just tell her what was wrong, you could discuss it like adults. There is no discussing anything with a woman. The minute you open your mouth, she’s got a retort waiting for you. She knows your weaknesses. She knows that if she pushes you hard enough, you’ll eventually cave and join in the argument. It’s the nature of the beast.

  And when you start yelling back at her about the cabinet and the wasted hours spent, she’s going to start crying and telling you that all you ever do is yell at her instead of talking things out. And now you’ve entered the ninth circle of hell.

  You’ll argue about this for a good thirty minutes, the thirty minutes that you had planned on using to take a shower and cool down from your day. And when you can’t take it anymore, you’ll leave the house instead of sticking around to a
rgue, because you know this isn’t an argument you can win.

  So, how do you answer the unanswerable question? You don’t. There are bound to be days like this in every relationship. You aren’t going to win. Face the facts now. The harder you try to figure out a way past this, the more times your wife will end up in the bathroom crying her eyes out. And at the end of the night, you’ll feel like an asshole because you lost your temper and made her cry.

  Now, for your information, here’s what takes place in the hours and days after this fight. At first, you come home and you ignore her. If she wants to be pissy, that’s on her. You don’t give a shit. So what if you don’t get laid tonight? It’s just one night. But the next day, she’s still giving you the silent treatment.

  You ignore it as you go off to work, sure that she’ll cool down over the course of the day. But what’s really happening is that fire inside her is burning hotter and brighter than it was last night. Now, you’ve not only pissed her off and made her cry, but you’ve also refused to acknowledge any of the situation, thus fueling her anger.

  When you get home, you see the tension in her face and you want to bring yourself to say something, anything to make it better, but your pride just won’t let you. You stroll past her as if you don’t care about her anger, and you take a shower. But when you go to sit next to her to watch your favorite show, you realize that she isn’t watching it. And it’s not like you can turn it on, because then she’ll know just how much you really like the damn show.

  You spend the whole night in uncomfortable silence. She talks with the kids and laughs with them, but she ignores you. You have become insignificant. Not literally, but as long as you keep ignoring her, she will keep ignoring you. Now, here’s the thing about women, they hold a grudge better than anyone you will ever know. When you walk through that door and try to give her a kiss, she’ll turn her cheek, purse her lips, and walk away from you.