The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  By the next day, you’ll have lost all ability to stay away from her. You can’t take her ignoring you or the tension in the house. So, you cave. You joke around with her and try to pull her back from the depths of hell. You gush about how fantastic dinner is, even though it’s the same fucking meal she makes every Wednesday. You even give her extra kisses and tell her how much you love her. But at this point, the only thing you can do is tell her you’re sorry. You’ve lost the battle. There is no coming back from this without an apology. And don’t even think about suggesting sex later tonight, whether you apologize or not. It’s not happening.

  So, men, the lesson is that there is no way to answer the unanswerable question. Just hold onto your pants and ride it out.

  The Art Of Apologizing

  You’ve Fucked Up. Now What Do You Do?

  Listen, we’ve all been there. You’ve said something, done something, hell, you just existed, and now your woman is mad at you. It happens to all of us, and guess what, there’s no easy way out of it. However, we have some do’s and don’ts for you to follow.

  Don’t Do This:

  1. Don’t turn things around on her and blame her for your fuck-ups. This results in the shocked look on her face that eventually morphs into anger. Nothing good happens after this.

  2. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what she’s talking about, especially when she says exactly what you did. Playing stupid will land you on the couch for the night under good circumstances. Under bad, you’ll have a pressure trigger under your bed.

  3. Never tell her she’s overreacting. This ends with questions, lots and lots of questions:

  “Oh, I’m overreacting?”

  “I’m sorry, did I hear you right?”

  “Did you want to live to see fifty?”

  “Why is it that any time I’m upset about something, I’m overreacting?”

  The list goes on and on. And the thing is, all those questions are ticking time bombs. There is absolutely no way to answer those questions without pissing her off more. Just keep your mouth shut.

  4. Do not use your kids as a defense shield.

  5. Do not ask what you did this time. That’s just asking for an hour long speech on all the ways you’ve fucked up.

  6. Do not tell her she nags just like her mother.

  Do This:

  1. Apologize profusely. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong. When a woman’s made up her mind about something, there’s no way you can win. Remember, you can either be right, or you can be happy. If you choose to be right, you’ll be paying the rest of your life for that decision.

  2. If you can’t bring yourself to apologize right away, take a walk. Get away from the situation and really think about what you did. Then go back and apologize.

  3. If you don’t know what you did, and she’s not telling you, be sneaky about finding out information. For example:

  “Baby, I know I really fucked up. I want to make sure I never do it again. Why don’t you explain to me exactly what I did wrong so it never happens again.”

  “I’m sorry I screwed up. What can I do differently next time?”

  Either of these should get you the answers you need without giving away that you have no clue what she’s upset about. Obviously, the list of don’ts is a lot longer than the dos. Make smart choices. That’s all I can tell you.

  Part Three

  The Rulebook For Women Written By The Men Of Reed Security

  Sex Rules For Women

  Great Sexual Expectations

  Sex rules are much different at the relationship stage of the game. We understand that as the woman, and having to push out a few kids, things just aren’t the same. That being said, here are a few things to consider:

  1. Women should always be dressed appropriately in the bedroom, which means lingerie or no clothing at all.

  2. Blow jobs are considered a must at least once a week, but if you offer more often, you’ll see a significant increase in affection from your spouse.

  3. 69 never went out of style. Let’s keep this in the back of our minds at all times.

  4. Anal play is never acceptable unless the man is initiating.

  5. Sex five times a week is considered average. The only time that this rule should be broken is after a baby is born. However, blow jobs are still accepted during this time.

  6. Six weeks means six weeks. Once the doctor gives you the all clear, if you’re not nursing, you should be on your knees. Or any other position.

  7. Cuddling is always permitted.

  8. Showering together is fine, but after an exceptionally messy round of sex, the woman should change the sheets.

  9. If you bring sex toys into the bedroom, expect us to use them.

  Bedroom/Bathroom Rules

  Keeping The Bedroom and Bathroom Tidy

  Bedroom rules are a lot like bedroom rights, except that now that you’re married, you have a little more leeway.

  1. The bedroom should be kept clean at all times.

  2. If you don’t work outside the home, laundry is expected to be folded and put away every night.

  3. A perfectly made bed, done with hospital corners will earn you extra points.

  4. No talk of bed bugs allowed in the house.

  5. Children should not join us in bed. Please remove them from the room and put them back to sleep.

  6. While cold feet can’t be helped, if you have consistently cold feet, please put on socks.

  7. Candles should always be kept in the bathroom, along with an assortment of magazines, crossword puzzles, and an endless supply of toilet paper.

  8. Razors should be stored in the plastic box attached to the shower wall. Stepping on razors is not fun.

  9. Likewise, if your razors are dull, do not under any circumstances use mine.

  10. I don’t really know how to use that shower cleaner spray thingy. Please just clean the shower manually.

  General Household Rules

  Expectations Around The House

  Ladies, we all understand that you’ve had a hard day. You’ve been cooking and…doing stuff. It’s not as easy as it looks. However, we’ve been out saving lives, risking our necks to come back home to you. Therefore, we really feel it’s not too much to ask that at the end of the day a few small things are done for us.

  1. Dinner should always be waiting on the table for us, warm and home-cooked. Take out is acceptable once a week, but with our jobs, we need healthy meals.

  2. Our boots are usually dirty at the end of the day. A rubber tray for our boots will save you a lot of time spent scrubbing the floors. They can be purchased cheaply at Walmart.

  3. The kids should be quiet when we get home from work. After all the explosions and listening to others bitch about their day, we really crave silence. Do your best to keep them quiet, or send them outside.

  4. The last thing we want when we walk through the door is to trip over crap that’s been left out all day. If you’re home, clean it up. Leaving it on the floor will only anger us.

  5. If you’re home, you can unload the dishwasher.

  6. The lawn looks like it’s getting a little long…

  7. I know you didn’t want the garden, but the weeds are getting out of control.

  8. The fridge should always be stocked and ready for us when we get home. Cold beer really helps at the end of the day.

  Handling Women and Weapons

  Rules For Ensuring Your Woman Is Safe Around Weapons

  All women should be treated as deadly, whether they have a weapon or not. But with a firearm, they are even more deadly, which should be pretty clear to you already. Let’s discuss measures we can put in place to ensure a safe environment for all, especially yourself.

  1. All women should be armed if they are to leave the property alone.

  2. If they leave with you, it’s best to remove those weapons so you don’t get shot. (Raegan)

  3. A thorough pat-down before leaving to ensure they only have one firearm is r
ecommended.

  4. Check handbags, suitcases, car seats, strollers, diaper bags, and even the dreaded womanly kit to ensure they do not have a spare on them.

  5. The womanly kit is where they store their tampons and pads. I know this is hard to do, but buck up and open that zipper. They know you’re afraid of what’s inside, so this will be the most likely place they’ll hide a firearm. Does it feel heavy? You’ve got a gun in there.

  6. If you give them an SUV full of weapons, make sure Maggie isn’t in there. Or Cara. Or Claire. Or Emma, Ivy, and Raegan. Scratch this. Never give them an SUV full of weapons.

  7. If the women are all gathering around and don’t want you near them, panic. You may think this is a good thing at first, but they’re probably planning something deadly. Lock down the facility and question all of them until someone breaks. Start with Claire. She can’t keep a secret to save her life.

  8. If you go away on vacation, never assume that your woman packed less weaponry than you. Face it, guys, we trained them, and now we have to deal with the chaos.

  Part Four

  The Rulebook for Men Written By the Wives Of The Men

  Sex Rules For Men

  When You’ll Actually Get Sex

  Sex rules have most definitely changed since we’ve gotten married. I’m sorry to tell you, things will not be going your way.

  1. Lingerie will not be worn unless I feel like putting it on, and with kids running around, there’s no way in hell I’ll be hanging out naked in the bedroom.

  2. Blow jobs are given when I feel you’ve done something to deserve one. If I have to give you a blow job to receive more affection, you’re going to be waiting a really long time for that blow job. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

  3. 69 can be fun, but not if you insist on being on top. You do realize that you outweigh me, right? And when you get that into it and shove your cock so far down my throat that I choke, there’s really no fun in it for me anymore.

  4. I think you want to reexamine this whole anal play option. If you think it’s okay for you to initiate, you’d better expect it in return. Oh, and make sure there’s lube on hand, or it’s gonna hurt.

  5. Five times a week for sex? Are you fucking kidding me? Were you planning on getting up with the kids on the weekend? Or how about putting them to bed at night? Or how about any of the million other things I do for you every day to make your life easier? And if I’ve just had a kid, the only way you’re getting lucky is with your hand. There will be no blow jobs at this time. My orifices are out of service.

  6. If you think six weeks is some magical number that’s like a get out jail free card, you’re sorely mistaken. And if you tell me to get on my knees, you’re not going to like what happens when I get there.

  7. I will cuddle with you if and when I want to. You radiate so much body heat that I have to extricate myself from you after five minutes so I don’t suffocate.

  8. I’m not sure when you started thinking that I’m your servant, but if the sheets are messy, the clean ones are in the hall closet. Get to work.

  9. Likewise on the toy issue, and our toys are way more fun than yours.

  10. One additional rule: If you fart in bed, which happens frequently, I will kick your ass out of bed. Same goes for snoring.

  Bedroom/Bathroom Rules

  Clean Up Your Shit

  Your bedroom rules are stupid. Here’s how things are really going to go.

  1. The bedroom usually is kept clean at all times. It’s not my problem that you don’t know what a laundry basket is. If it’s laying on the floor, it’ll stay there until you pick it up. I’m not your fucking maid.

  2. I have no problem doing laundry and putting it away, but if you can’t turn your damn socks right side out, then they’re going in your drawer as is. And if there are skid marks in your underwear, they immediately go in the trash.

  3. Perfectly made beds only exist in a house without kids. I already know what hospital corners are, and have been doing them long before you came around. If you come inspect the bed every day, you’ll get a boot up your ass.

  4. If I have to explain to you about bed bugs, you don’t know enough about cleanliness.

  5. Our children can and will climb into bed, because they are kids! If you don’t like it, you can be the bad guy that takes them back to their room after a nightmare.

  6. Socks are not comfortable in bed, but your body is always warm. Man up and let me use your legs for warmth.

  7. Agreed, candles should always be kept in the bathroom. However, anything you need for entertainment as you sit on the toilet for forty-five minutes to avoid the rest of us, should be provided on your own. There is no way in hell that I’m touching anything that has been in your hands while you’re sitting on the toilet.

  8. Maybe we should just have separate showers so you don’t have to worry about stepping on my razors.

  9. Please, you don’t have to worry about me using your razors. That’s just disgusting.

  10. That shower spray cleaner thingy on the wall has a button on it. There’s no manual for this. You step out of the shower, close the curtain, and press the damn button. Problem solved.

  General Household Rules

  Do I Look Like The Maid?

  Here’s how things are going to work…

  1. When you walk through the door, immediately take off your shoes. I’ve just cleaned the floors. If you want a damn rubber mat, go pick one up. You have two hands.

  2. While you’ve been off playing cops and robbers, I’ve been wrangling three velociraptors and trying not to get myself killed. I’ve stepped on at least ten dinosaurs, a few dozen legos, and almost killed myself on a toy truck. Suck it up and realize that we have kids, and the house will never be clean. I’ll do my best, but at the end of the day, the only way this place is getting cleaned is if I do it, and I’ve already done it ten times today. Get up off your ass and help.

  3. Dinner will be served when I fix it. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to learn how to use the oven.

  4. If you want peace and quiet, go sit outside. Kids are not just shushed and magically become quiet. That’ll last for two seconds.

  5. If at any time you feel the need to point out that I stay home, just remember that while you go do your one job, I am the head chef, the daycare provider, the housekeeper, the accountant, the personal shopper, and I have my own fucking job! Yes, that’s right. I multitask. It’s something you should learn.

  6. Last I checked, it was the man’s job to take care of the lawn, but since you insist I help, I propose that we take turns taking care of the yard. I’ll take Monday through Friday, and on those days, you can watch the kids all day.

  7. I believe there’s a liquor store on your way home. Instead of driving past it, pull in and pick up your own damn beer.

  The consequences of not following any of the above rules will result in the loss of sex. Read it. Sign it. Live it.

  Handling Overprotective Men

  Rules For Ensuring Your Man Doesn’t Take Away Your Weapon

  Your man loves you. We all know this. The problem is, they think we’re all incapable of handling ourselves. The only way around this is to continually prove yourself, and even then it doesn’t always work. So, let’s discuss ways around the overprotective male.

  1. Whatever your man says, never relinquish your weapon.

  2. Men think you can’t handle yourself. That’s bullshit. You’ve trained for this. Take the damn weapon and tell him to fuck off.

  3. Men will check everything you’re carrying. Make sure you already have a bag stored somewhere in the parking garage. Use one of the children to get the bag down there. The men are still naive enough to believe the children would never take weapons out of the building.

  4. Men are going to focus on the more obvious places to hide a gun. Of course they’re terrified of your little bag for that time of the month. That’s why you can’t hide anything there. Sew in a secret pocket in your handbag. Load your
purse up with all sorts of shit, and they’ll never question the extra weight.

  5. Men get suspicious when women gather. They’ll most likely try to listen in, worried that they’ve either done something wrong or that we’re planning something. Burner phones will be passed out for all women to communicate on. This also needs to be kept hidden.

  6. We don’t really need a bunch of discussion on this. The men are going to try and stop us, we’re going to fight back, blah…blah…blah. Keep your weapons. End of story.

  7. Threaten them with no sex. That’ll make them rethink their position on us having weapons.

  8. Never assume your man is going to have weapons on him. He wants a normal life, but these men will never be normal. Be prepared. Take a suitcase of weapons.

  Part Five

  The Interviews

  Sinner