The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  Coop: Thank fucking God. So, I can leave now?

  Giulia: Well, you won't get far. You are in my head.

  Coop gets up and walks to another corner of my mind, slamming the imaginary door...

  Tony

  Giulia: Tacos, it's great to see you. I hope you're not as prickly as the last person I interviewed.

  Tony: You know, if you're going to call me Tacos, I'm just gonna leave. The nickname is TNT.

  Giulia: But is it really?

  Tony: It should be. I'm not fucking Mexican. I'm Italian. We don't even like tacos!

  Giulia: Well, I'm sure you'll get over that. Tell me, how are things going with you and Molly?

  Tony: You mean my stalker?

  Giulia: You love her and you know it.

  Tony: Hey, don't give anything away. Leave something for the readers.

  Giulia: Sorry, I'm just so excited about what's in store for you. We really get a good look at the team dynamics in this book.

  Tony: If you want to call it that. We're kind of a mess.

  Giulia: Well, it could be worse.

  Tony: Really? Tell me how it could be worse.

  Giulia: Um...I could have killed you off.

  Tony: I don't think your readers would have liked that.

  Giulia: No, but if they had to sit down with you, they would probably want to kill you also.

  Tony: Not possible. Have you seen my video trailer? I'm Tony-fucking-tacos.

  Giulia: Ha! You admit it!

  Tony: No! I mean, I'm TNT. I'm dynamite!

  Giulia: It's too late! You already said the words. No take backs.

  Tony: Giulia, you forget that I know how to kill someone and leave no evidence behind.

  Giulia: Yeah? You forget that you live in my head, and even if you tried to kill me, you couldn't actually do it.

  Tony: But if I live in your head, I can manipulate the stories. You don't actually have as much control as you think. While you're typing, we're inside your head, guiding the story the way we want it to go.

  Giulia: If that's true, then why do you still get called Tony Tacos?

  *crickets*

  Tony: Look, I can't control all your thoughts. There are other people in there, and occasionally I lose out.

  Giulia: Well, I don't think you're going to lose out with Molly.

  Tony: I guess you'll have to read the damn book to find out. Just remember, it's TNT. If any of your readers keep calling me Tacos, you and I are going to have some serious words.

  Giulia: Ooh, I'm really scared. Are you going to smother me with tacos in my sleep?

  Tony: You know, Giulia, one of these days, I'm not going to be in your head anymore, and you're going to really miss me. I hope you remember that in the future.

  Florrie

  Giulia: Hello, Florrie. It's so nice of you to join me.

  Florrie: Bite me.

  Giulia: You know, I'm sensing a theme that you guys don't like to do these interviews.

  Florrie: Would you like to share your innermost thoughts with the whole world?

  Giulia: That's what you are.

  Florrie: Whatever. Let's just get this over with.

  Giulia: So, Florrie, tell me how you feel now that the story has been concluded.

  Florrie: I really feel like punching you in the face for making me go through all that.

  Giulia: Yes, well, you kind of brought it on yourself.

  Florrie: Why does everyone always assume that I'm the bad guy? I mean, I know that I have a shitty attitude, but I'm a person just like everyone else. I have feelings too. You have no idea how difficult it is to work in my industry and keep up with the guys without looking weak. One tear! That's all it takes, and suddenly you can't handle the job.

  Giulia: I'm sensing some hostility here.

  Florrie: Do you know what it's like to be judged constantly?

  Giulia: I have an idea.

  Florrie: It's insane. I'm sorry I'm not like the other women out there. I don't like to show my emotions, and I don't like people expecting me to act a certain way. Why can't I just be me?

  Giulia: Because you can be a bitch?

  Florrie: Again, why is that an issue? Do bitches not deserve love too?

  Giulia: I suppose they do. That's kind of why I wrote your character. Why don't we move on? How do you view your relationship with Craig and Alec?

  Florrie: I don't have a relationship with Craig.

  Giulia: Yeah, you kind of do. I mean, he did show up at your therapy appointments.

  Florrie: Because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

  Giulia: And then there's how he connects with you at the end of the book...

  Florrie: That's on him. Look, I get that he's a little too...involved in our relationship, but it's not like we're a threesome. Craig just really cares about us.

  Giulia: Maybe a little too much.

  Florrie: Well, maybe that's true. But he's a good guy. A little stalkerish and crazy, but we all still love him.

  Giulia: And does Alec love him too?

  Florrie: Nice try. I'm not taking the bait there.

  Giulia: So, what can we expect from your relationship with Alec going forward?

  Florrie: I would say to expect what you've seen so far. I'm probably going to yell at him, and he's going to hate-fuck me against the wall. It's just how we are.

  Giulia: So, you didn't really grow as a couple.

  Florrie: Why do people ask stupid shit like that? You know what? This whole thing is stupid. I'm done talking about this.

  Giulia: But the interview isn't over!

  *Florrie gets up and storms out of my head. Why do the characters always do that?

  Parker

  Giulia: Parker, it's so good to have you here.

  Parker: Yeah, I wish it could have happened sooner. I kind of feel like I got the shaft here.

  Giulia: How's that?

  Parker: Well, the second to last book of the series? I mean, everyone else got more time in the books than that.

  Giulia: You've made a few guest appearances. And if it makes you feel better, the readers were really excited to hear from you.

  Parker: Yeah, I guess. Still, Sinner got twenty-six fucking books to appear in, and that's if you don't include when he appeared in the first series.

  Giulia: That's not true. He didn't appear in every book.

  Parker: Well, most of them. We all know that he's your favorite.

  Giulia: I think we all know that's not true. Cap is my man.

  Parker: That may be, but you use Sinner more than anyone else.

  Giulia: Well, he is the lady killer. But you rank right up there with him. And, I am giving you your own series.

  Parker: Really?

  Giulia: Well, it won't be yours alone, but it'll follow your family and you'll make appearances.

  Parker: Will I get my own book?

  Giulia: Do you even have to ask? I mean, I'm sure after all that's happened, the readers want to hear more from you and Blake.

  Parker: Well, we are pretty awesome.

  Giulia: Especially with that monster cock of yours.

  Parker: Now you're just trying to stroke my ego.

  Giulia: Well, since you're imaginary, I can't stroke what I'd really like to.

  He shoots me a cocky grin.

  Parker: Well, how about we make a deal. I'll give you as many sexual favors as you want, as long as you make sure that I come out looking really good in my next book.

  Giulia: I'll take that deal. Why can't all my other interviews go this well?

  Parker: Because they've known you longer. You've had more time to fuck with their lives.

  Giulia: Well, if they had struck the deal with me that you just made, I can guarantee that their books would have turned out differently.

  Parker: Just make sure that Blake never finds out about this. The last thing I need is to be thrown through another window.

  Giulia: This will be our secret.

  Blake: Excuse me, but are you
handing out sexual favors behind my back?

  Parker looks to Blake in shock and then back to me.

  Parker: You said she wouldn't find out.

  Giulia: I can't help it that she entered my brain at that moment!

  Parker: She's your character! Just block her from listening!

  Blake: If you fuck her, we are so over.

  Parker: You know, now I see why everyone storms away from these interviews.

  Giulia: Hey! We had a deal!

  Knight

  Knight stalks into the room, a gun in his hand.

  Knight: What the fuck do you want this time.

  Giulia: I was thinking you could help me plan the next series.

  Knight: And why the hell would I want to do that?

  Giulia: Well, your kids, or at least a few of them, will be involved. I thought you might like to have some say in what happens.

  Knight: How about you leave my family out of it.

  Giulia: But…you’re one of the favorite characters. If I don’t have you, who’s going to take your place?

  Knight: Chris is a bastard. Let him do it.

  Giulia: Sure, he’s menacing, but no one is like you.

  Knight: Look, just make up some other character. I don’t give a shit who it is, but we’re not going to be involved.

  Giulia: Well….see, the thing is, I already have you involved. I can’t just pull you guys out.

  Knight: Make us go off on an extended vacation and never return.

  Giulia: Could you really do that to Cap though? After all those beautiful things he said to you about being part of their family? You would just run off and leave them behind?

  Knight: In a heartbeat.

  Giulia: I don’t think you would. You’ve shown us that you care about everyone at Reed Security.

  Knight snorts.

  Knight: Give me one example.

  Giulia: Okay. Well, you’re always there for Hunter. You sat in the hallway with him for weeks as he watched out for Lucy.

  Knight: That’s different. I knew him from the military.

  Giulia: Okay, well, how about helping Lola?

  Knight: That was strictly for the sake of getting her back in the field.

  Giulia: And what about Rocco?

  Knight: What about him?

  Giulia: Well, you look out for him and his daughter more than anyone else on the team.

  Knight: That’s because he didn’t have any experience, and then he had that woman with him.

  Giulia: Yes, a woman that you helped out every day. And it had nothing to do with watching out for Evie.

  Knight: Whatever.

  Giulia: And then there was the time during Phoenix Rising that everyone was struggling to get back on their feet. As I recall, you made a very impassioned speech about how you did everything for them because they were your family.

  Knight: That was just to motivate them.

  Giulia: And when you realized at Christmas that Reed Security was where you really belonged?

  Knight: Are you gonna bust my balls about this for the rest of my life?

  Giulia: Just until you admit that you want to be here.

  Knight stands up to leave.

  Giulia: We’ll see you in the next series!