When I Was Yours, When You Were Mine

by Evie Sinclair

  “I’ve always been here for you as a friend. Before protecting you, you’ve been my friend. It’s because of Logan that it felt different.”

  “I wish that were true.”

  “You’ll never see it any other way.” He’s looking at me intently. “I’m not lying when I tell you I love you.”

  “Kingston. Don’t!” I warn him, already taking a few steps back. “Not tonight.”

  “Why? Because you’re in there with your body pressed up against the guy you lost your virginity to?”

  My gaze moves to the ground in front of me. I can’t allow myself to feel guilty over this.

  “I don’t owe you anything,” I say, slamming him with each word.

  “I love you.” He makes his way to me, taking up every inch of my personal space. His eyes are bloodshot and I can’t work out if they’re glassy from alcohol or tears.

  “Kingston,” I breathe out his name as if it’s a part of my soul.

  “Say it, Mae. Tell me you love me. I know you do. You’re fighting this because you’re hurt and I get that, and I take full responsibility for that.”

  “Did you kiss Alicia at The Pines the other night?” I ask, abruptly.

  He looks shocked by my sudden question. “What?”

  “There’s rumors that you kissed Alicia at The Pines.”

  He steps back, he runs his hands through his hair.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” I say, tears welling. “I honestly thought it also wasn’t true. I thought surely you couldn’t have, after everything. But now, you’re so forthright with this love you have for me!” I spit out at him. “Guilty I love you’s are the ugliest kind, Kingston …” I manage to say before a sob makes its way through my body.

  “Mae.” He moves toward me again, wrapping his arms around me. “She kissed me. I pulled away and went straight home.”

  “I don’t care about the facts.” I move out of his arms. “It would be another lie. Feeling like I could never trust you.”

  “I’ve fucked up. I get it, it’s what I do. But, Mae, believe me when I tell you that hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do. I was trying to protect you.”

  “Well stop!” I hear myself bellow at him. “Stop trying to protect me. You are not my brother. You are not my bodyguard. You are not my boyfriend!” I state. “Stop trying to protect me. I don’t need it. I’m a big girl who has gone through enough to know that all I ever want is the truth.”

  “I get that now. I’m learning …” He settles his attention on me. There is a lull in the tension and our eyes don’t waiver from one another.

  “I could love you for the rest of my life,” I whimper, not looking away. “Easily without question. But I don’t think it’s enough,” I confess.

  “Not enough?” His voice breaks, bewildered. “I could love you, too, Mae. I do. Despite what you think about guilty I love you’s.”

  “It will never work. With Logan and how he is, and with you not wanting to mess up your friendship.”

  “I’ll tell him now. I’ll go in there and tell him right now,” he says, eyes on the door behind us.

  “No. That won’t help things right now. Let’s give this time. Don’t make any rash decisions tonight.”

  “Time?”

  “I need a lot of time.”

  “How much?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I can’t see you with someone else, Mae. You, inside there.” He motions behind him. “On that dance floor with him …” he trails off, his eyes meeting mine.

  I shift my gaze to look out beyond the dock, and sit on the stone wall.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Please.” He sits beside me.

  I want to be back on the road with him, back before I knew any different, back when my body and his body had no end.

  “Please, Mae,” he repeats again, his mouth edging closer to mine, so close I can feel his warm breath on my lips and can practically taste the beer he’s been drinking. “You and I,” he whispers so close that with the small gap between my lips I can take those exact words in and keep them hidden in the deepest parts of me.

  “Mae?” I hear Sammy yell from behind us.

  I jump up, pulling myself from the trance Kingston and I have been in. “Errr, sorry to interrupt but Logan and David are looking for you both and I thought - ”

  “ - Mae? You okay?” Logan asks, appearing behind Sammy.

  There’s silence. The door opens behind them and David follows them out.

  “Mae had a headache,” Kingston mumbles. “Thought the fresh air would do her good.”

  Again. Silence. From everyone. You know that saying about cutting tension with a knife. You could cut this with a plastic spoon.

  I quickly wipe away two loose tears I can feel escaping down my cheek.

  “Headaches are the worst.” I huff out a small, pathetic laugh.

  “Do you want me to take you home?” David asks.

  “She’s okay,” Kingston gruffly answers from beside me.

  He stands and offers me a hand up. I place my small, shaking hand into his.

  I remember the idea of an in control man. I guess no one can be exactly one thing all the time.

  “I’m fine,” I agree, walking toward them. “The fresh air helped.” I look up at Kingston. “Thanks, King.”

  He gives me a single nod.

  “You two look weird holding hands,” Logan says, laughing as he turns to make his way back inside.

  I look down at our hands and quickly pull mine from his.

  “I think they look cute!” Sammy states. I send her a shocked look and wait for Logan to comment.

  “You’re nuts, Sammy!” he yells back as he re-enters the ballroom.

  Once inside, Alicia manages to find Kingston and she wraps her claws around his arm. I watch them from my seat.

  “Can I sit?” David asks, catching me off guard.

  “It’s your seat David, of course you can,” I say, slightly confused.

  He’s about to open his mouth to say something when the microphone crackles and the music softens.

  “As you all know,” Says the emcee from the stage. “We have, not only a football star in the mix tonight, but an up and coming musician, also. Kingston James is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, and he’s going to sing an original song for us. Come on up here, King.”

  Kingston smiles from where he stands with Alicia. He peels her hands from him and makes his way to the stage. Someone brings a guitar out to him and he settles in behind the microphone.

  He looks out to the audience.

  “I’m thrilled to be here tonight, joining such an important cause. And I’m incredibly humbled to be asked to sing for y’all.” A collective sigh moves through the room at his Texas twang. “This song is pretty new to me, so please be kind. It’s for the woman who has my whole heart, whether she believes it or not.”

  “Let’s go stand with Sammy and Logan,” I say to David, quickly getting up and making my way to them.

  “What the fuck,” I whisper into Sammy’s ear when I get there.

  “Breathe,” she whispers back, attempting to appear casual.

  “Is he talking about Alicia?” Logan asks. “Weird.”

  Sammy and I exchange a glance but don’t say anything as Kingston begins strumming, and then I can hear him singing but I’m in too much of a trance to hear the actual words.

  He reaches the chorus and I come back into the room and the lyrics.

  “It’s like the whole world’s against us

  But no one’s sayin’ a word

  Think we’ve got a target on our backs

  Dancin’ on hot coals, tryna’ prove our worth

  Darlin’ I’m gonna love you in the dark night

  Gonna love you in the blazing sun

  If the world says it can’t be

  I’ll show ‘em they’re so damn wrong

  Your love is fire and fury

  And I could lie and say it doesn’t haun
t me

  But I’m haunted and I’m haunting

  And hopefully your dreams are full of me

  A grin appears on his face as he looks down at his guitar.

  Red wine and Montreal

  Changed everything

  Red wine and Montreal

  Changed everything”

  He looks up at me and then casually glances around the room. And I’m in a daze again. Thinking about the restaurant, the wine, my flushed cheeks, and the way his eyes kept dropping to my lips that night.

  How we kept saying we shouldn’t, but we did and how I’d never been kissed the way he kissed me. And how we made love like I’d never experienced before. And if you’d told me I’d ever use the term - made love - I’d have laughed at the stupidity of the whole thing.

  Because making love and having him claim my body the way he did, the way I claimed his in return, I’d be kidding myself if I thought I could experience anything like it again.

  The music comes to an end and the entire ballroom erupts into applause. I follow suit.

  “Mae?” I hear someone ask beside me. Managing to look up, I see David’s concerned face watching me. “Mae?”

  “Yeah?” I croak out.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Yeah,” I stutter. “I’m good. It’s the headache.” I lie.

  “Want to get going?” he asks.

  “Yes.”

  And I do. I really, really do.

  I collect my bag and jacket from our table.

  Sammy approaches me. “You okay?”

  “I need to get out of here.”

  “Okay. I get it. Logan doesn’t know by the way. He’s confused, thinks it was about Alicia.”

  “That’s okay. I feel flushed and I think I need to sleep.” She pulls me into a hug. “I love you, Sammy-Samsta,” I say.

  “I love you, too.”

  “You ready?” David asks, coming up behind Sammy.

  As we reach the doors, I turn around to see Kingston flanked by people, he looks around and catches my eye.

  I smile at him. “Beautiful song,” I mouth to him across the room, hoping he has the unique ability to read lips.

  He offers me a small smile, which fades when he sees David beside me.

  I turn before his face can pull me back into the room.

  “Let’s go.” And I don't turn back.

  CHAPTER nineteen

  Getting out of the Uber at my house, David rounds the back of the car.

  “You didn’t have to get out,” I say.

  “I’ll walk you to your door.”

  “Thank you, that’s really nice.” I force a smile.

  When we reach my front door there is silence between us.

  What a night this has been.

  “I’ve had fun with you tonight, Mae. I’m glad we did this … went together.” I smile at him and put the key in the lock. Don’t kiss me. Don’t kiss me. “Mae.” I look up and David’s lips find mine. They hold there for a moment and as he begins to part his, I pull away.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, touching my fingers to my lips. God, that felt so wrong. “Sorry,” I repeat.

  “Is this because Kingston loves you?” he asks.

  “What?”

  “Come on, Mae. That guy has loved your every move since I can remember back in high school. The only person completely unaware of it is Logan. Which I believe is ridiculous, and he’s in complete denial of his best friends infatuation with you.”

  “That’s not true, David. All of it. It isn’t true.”

  He shuffles his feet and shrugs his shoulders. “I’m just saying what most people know. And plus, that song, it wasn’t for Alicia.”

  “This has nothing to do with Kingston. I’m still trying to sort my mind out. It’s been a long six months,” I say.

  He smiles at me. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I didn’t come here to kiss you tonight. I couldn’t not, I guess. I’m sorry. I should have asked first.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, reaching up and placing a kiss on his cheek, beside his lips.

  A door slams and I hear the deep gravelly voice that has such a hold on my heart. “Moss, you better step away from her.”

  Kingston strides toward us, as a car pulls away.

  “Still going to deny it?” David whispers to me.

  “Kingston, what are you doing here?” I ask, ignoring David’s question.

  “You left!” he states.

  “I’m tired. David was dropping me off.”

  “I can see he was attempting more than that.”

  “Actually dude that second kiss was her,” David says, attempting some weird joke.

  Kingston aims his attention on David.

  “Kingston! Stop,” I say, before he can move a muscle. I turn to David. “Thank you for bringing me home. I’ll text you tomorrow?” I ask.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes,” I say, laughing slightly. “I’ll be perfectly fine.” I lean up and hug David.

  Walking back to his Uber he turns to look at us both. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

  I smile and nod. Once he’s gone I put my focus back on getting inside.

  “You’re not coming in,” I say to Kingston as he attempts to enter.

  “Mae,” he drawls.

  “No. You have no right to turn up here and make demands.”

  “I can’t believe you’d kiss him. After everything tonight.”

  “I didn’t kiss him. And plus, tonight makes no difference.”

  “What can I do, Mae? Please.”

  “I told you. I need time. Everything with Dale happened so quickly and then I ran into you.” I roll my eyes. “And before I knew it I was getting confused at where I began and you ended. I can’t enter into something until I know I’m okay with the past.”

  “You’ll never be fully healed from what happened to you. No one truly is. They grow from it in spite of the hurt.”

  “You’re right. But people still need space to sort themselves out.”

  “You need space from me?”

  “If I don’t have space from you I’ll forever lose myself in the idea of you saving me.”

  “I don't want to save you. I don’t need to. You’ve told me that you’re a grown woman and that is completely true. You are everything and more than you’ll ever realize. I’m sorry for lying to you back in Spokane and all the way up until you found out. I’m sorry about Alicia. Heck I’m sorry about teenage me.”

  “I thought teenage you was the dreamiest boy I’d ever seen.”

  “And adult me?”

  “I think it’s pretty obvious I still think you’re dreamy.”

  “How dreamy?” he asks, stepping toward me, my back against the doorframe.

  “Ridiculously dreamy, Mr James,” I say, looking into his eyes.

  A low growl rumbles through him. “Say that again.”

  “Mr James?”

  “I’m doing my best to stay in control for you right now.” He inches even closer, his body flush against mine.

  I keep my eyes on his. “Tomorrow this has to end, Kingston. I need time.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  Oh heck, what on this great earth am I doing?

  “Tomorrow,” I say, rising onto my toes and softly running my lips against his.

  His eyes close as his breath picks up. I grab his hand and coax him in, closing the door behind us.

  Walking into the kitchen I place my belongings on one of the barstools and lean up against the counter top. His eyes are trained hard on me, waiting for my next move. Placing my hands on the counter, I push up until I’m sitting on the edge. He takes a few steps toward me, stopping when my legs rise and split apart. Shimmying up my barely-there dress, I open myself to him.

  He’s standing, staring at my white seamless thong that leaves nothing to the imagination.

  “Mae.” He closes the gap between us. “Do not move,” he states as his mouth closes in on mine and his finge
rtips find the edge of my underwear.

  I sigh into his kiss, if we have one last night together I may as well let some guards down. As his fingers trace my underwear I shift with anticipation.

  “You okay there, Walker?” he asks, his lips against mine.

  “Don’t tease me.” My voice comes out husky and desperate.

  With that he takes the offer and slides two fingers beneath my thong, his touch is barely there, driving me crazy.

  “You’re dripping,” he states.

  I nod and move myself into his touch, but he moves his hand away, guiding them to my hips and pulling my thong down.

  Helping him, I pull my legs forward and once they’re off he eases my legs back apart, each foot on either side of the counter.

  He leans down, and I’ve never felt more open and on show than I do right now. I feel his tongue stroke the line of me, licking up everything in its path. My head falls back and I let out a deep guttural moan. This sets him off as his mouth takes in everything, every nerve ending, alive and throbbing.

  I moan again, and then we hear the sound of a door slam and the lights to the front porch come on.

  “Fuck,” I hiss, pushing his head back. He stands looking at me, both of us shocked and beyond sexually frustrated. I quickly grab my thong and pull it up as the front door opens. I look at Kingston standing there in his disheveled suit, his pants bulging at the crotch.

  “Hide it,” I say quickly, and he steps behind the counter, pissed at the interruption.

  “Mae?” Logan’s voice sounds as he enters, flicking on the light.

  Him and Sammy turn to see Kingston and I standing frozen by the kitchen bench. I look to Kingston and his lips look red and bee stung.

  “Why are you two standing in the dark?” Logan asks, slightly slurring his words from the alcohol.

  Sammy doesn’t say a word, she’s got a half worried, half smug look on her face.

  “I - I …” I stutter. “ …was getting a drink. I didn’t know King was home.” I manage to get out. “Thanks for scaring the shit out of me,” I say, giving him a punch on the arm.

  “Yeah,” he grumbles.

  “You’re drunker than I thought!” Sammy pipes up, looking at Kingston.

  “You left abruptly.” Logan points out. “You keep leaving abruptly. Both of you …” We all stand in absolute silence.