Twisted with Chaos: A CASH BAR NOVEL

by Faiman, Hayley

  “None needed. You’re family, not just Notorious Devils family, but you and Roxie, you’re fuckin’ family.”

  We don’t say anything else. I’m not really sure what I could say to that, anyway. Not without sounding like a total fucking pussy at least. A few moments later, the women make their way toward us. I have a surprise for Roxanne, so we say our goodbyes and I load her up on the back of my bike.

  “Where are we going?” she calls out as I start my bike’s engine.

  Ignoring her, I take off through the clubhouse parking lot with a roar. We don’t go far, just down the road for a mile, then turn down another country single lane road for a couple miles until we come to a dead end.

  There is a field of grass ahead of us, cleared in the middle and surrounded by trees. Parking my bike, I climb off after Roxanne scrambles off behind me. She doesn’t speak, her feet move forward until she’s in the middle of the clearing.

  I stay next to my bike, watching her, watching the sun shimmer off of her lighter hair. She’s let it grow out, her natural color so much prettier than the dark color she had it dyed when I met her. She spins in a circle throwing her arms straight out as she does. She’s soaking up that sunshine that she loves so much.

  “You like it out here?” I ask, moving toward her.

  She stops, her eyes meeting mine and a smile spreading across her gorgeous face. “I love it.”

  “It’s yours,” I say.

  Her eyes widen, she stops, and her arms fall down to her side. I watch as she tilts her head, her brows furrowing. Wrapping my hands around her hips, I tug her against my chest as I dip my chin. Brushing my lips across hers, I let out a breath. “I bought it for you, Firefly. Ten acres for you to have your freedom,” I rasp.

  “You bought it for me?” she asks.

  “For you, Roxanne. We’ll put a house on it, ground breaks as soon as you approve plans.”

  Her bottom lip trembles, I nip it with my teeth before I sooth the slight pain with my tongue. She sighs, lifting her hands and placing her palms on my chest. “I can’t believe it,” she says. “You’re serious?”

  I chuckle, running my nose alongside her own. “It’s yours. You need to have your freedom, Roxanne, and you don’t get that livin’ in a trailer behind a bar. This is where we start our lives together.”

  “I thought we already started our lives together?”

  Humming, my lips graze hers. “We have, but this, this is where the rest of our lives begin.”

  Slowly, she takes a step back and I release her, curious as to what she’s going to say, or do, next. I wait with anticipation. I never know what my Firefly is going to do, and that’s one of the reasons that I wholly love her.

  “This is for us, all of this is for us,” she calls out.

  “It is. I’d buy you the moon if I could, Roxanne,” I admit.

  I would too. Whatever she wants, whatever she needs, whatever her desires are—it is hers. She shakes her head, then before I realize what’s happening she runs toward me and jumps into my arms. Her legs wrap around my waist, but I can’t keep a steady ground. I fall flat on my ass as she continues to straddle my hips.

  Shaking with laughter, I reach up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

  “I love it, Tanner. I absolutely love it. I don’t deserve you,” she admits.

  All of the laughter I had completely leaves me. Moving my hand to wrap around the side of her neck, my fingers flex against her tender skin. “You don’t, Roxanne. You deserve better than me. Don’t even think that you don’t deserve everything in this world.”

  Her eyes soften, the smile dying, but only to be replaced with complete lust. Her hips jerk, as she lowers down against my chest. Her lips touch mine, her tongue invades my mouth and I let her take control the way she desires.

  That’s the way we christen our new land, our new home. We make love in the middle of a field, again. I have a feeling Roxanne enjoys the freeing feeling of making love in the outdoors, and who am I to deny her that?

  I allow my fiancée to take me the way she wants. All the while, I watch her in awe and love. I almost lost her completely. She was almost lost to me. I’ll never let her go again, not for a second.

  EPILOGUE

  ROXANNE

  ONE MONTH LATER

  “And how have you been sleeping?” Dr. Joseph asks. He’s got his notepad open and is jotting down whatever it is he writes in those things every week.

  I clear my throat, staring out of the window at the parking lot. I can see Tanner, straddling his bike, his head bent as he taps his fingers on his phone. He never leaves me, not ever. He’s stayed true to his promise that I’ll never be out of his sight again. I love that, just as I love him.

  “This week has been difficult,” I admit.

  “Can you tell me what’s been difficult?”

  I want to say this. That this talking about my feelings bullshit is difficult as fuck, but I don’t. I’m agitated today. I’ve been agitated. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain it at all, either. I’m itching to run. I’m unfocused, restless. The only good thing about how I’m feeling is that my hallucinations, the voices, they’re all but gone.

  “I want to run. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m restless. I can feel depression beginning to leak in, and I know it’s going to take over. I can just feel it, all of it, and it’s cresting,” I admit. My eyes don’t move from Tanner. I don’t want to look at Dr. Joseph, I don’t want to see the disappointment on his face.

  “It’s normal, Roxanne,” he says.

  I turn toward him, my eyes wide and my mouth open slightly. “Normal?” I ask. Now, that word, it’s never been associated with anything having to do with me, not at all. It’s a shock to my system really, to even hear it.

  “Yes. We all have moments of mood shifts, of changes. I’m going to ask you to journal. Can you do that for me? When you’re feeling especially restless and agitated, I want you to write it all out. Whatever you’re feeling, get it out. I think you’ll find that you will feel better. You journaled when you were in the inpatient program, didn’t you?”

  My mind drifts back to Melodie for a brief second. Sadness washes over me and leaves as quickly as it came at the thought of her, of her journaling across the room from me, at the thought of her betrayal, then of her death.

  “I did,” I say.

  “What were you thinking about just now? You checked out on me, Roxanne.”

  I shrug. “Melodie,” I admit.

  He doesn’t know everything, he can’t. He knows enough though. He knows that she was my friend, that she used me, and that she passed. He doesn’t know all of the circumstances though, he just cannot know everything—not if he wants to live.

  “Does the loss of her still make you feel guilty?” he asks.

  I did feel guilty, for a while. The past couple of weeks that guilt has turned into anger, which I’m sure has to do with my mood shift. I’ve had some big changes the past week, including breaking ground on our new home.

  “I’m angry now,” I admit.

  He nods, scribbling some more stuff down on his notepad. I watch him, waiting to see what he’ll ask next. How he’ll respond. “That’s normal,” he nods.

  “I hate that word,” I blurt.

  He lifts his head, jerking back with wide eyes. “Roxanne?”

  “Normal. It’s a bullshit descriptive word. I hate it. I would prefer if you stopped using it.”

  His eyes roam over my face, probably searching to see if how unhinged and unstable I am right now. Tanner says he can see my mood shift in my gaze. He claims it’s fairly simple to detect if you know what you’re looking for, which apparently he does, so Dr. Joseph probably does too.

  “I apologize. Please explain to me why this word bothers you so much, it’s just a word.”

  My back straightens, my eyes narrow and I smirk. “Lots of words bother people. I could make a list if you like?’

  He chuckles. “Don’t deflect, Roxanne. You
’re better than that.”

  Slumping back in my seat, my eyes roam the parking lot to find Tanner again. He’s there, except this time he’s not focused on his phone, his gaze is pointed directly toward me. I smile toward him, watching as his lips turn up into a sexy smirk.

  “I’m not normal. I hate being described as normal. It feels weird.”

  My time is up a few moments later. Dr. Joseph apologizes for his use of the word, he reminds me to journal, and to continue taking the prescribed dosage of meds. Leaving his office, I inhale the fresh air as soon as I step outside. Tanner stays on his bike, his eyes watching me as I approach him.

  “You good, Firefly?” he asks as soon as I’m at his side.

  I shrug. “Still feeling restless,” I admit.

  His lips curve up into a huge grin. “Let’s go home and I’ll exhaust you,” he offers.

  I think about his words, shaking my head I brush my lips along his. “You’re on,” I breathe.

  Climbing on the back of his bike, he starts the engine and we take off down the road. Lifting my hands from his waist, I raise them into the air as the wind flows all around them, my hair flying every which way as well.

  Freedom.

  The meds help. The psychologist helps. But this, on the back of my man’s bike, him keeping me safe as we ride, this is the best thing for me. Freedom is the best medicine.

  HOUSTON

  I debate telling her where we’re going. I could tell the session was a difficult one for her, and I know that the past couple of weeks she’s felt off-kilter. It’s part of her, but it’s my job to see that and offer as much support as I can. It’s what you do when you’re so in love with someone it’s hard to fucking breathe unless they’re next to you.

  Guiding my bike toward its destination, it doesn’t take long for us to arrive and I park in the farthest space from the front door. Killing the engine, I don’t immediately disengage from my machine.

  “Tanner?” she rasps against my ear.

  “I don’t know, I figured you may want to see your best friend have her baby?”

  Her squeal is eardrum shattering as she scrambles off of the back of the bike. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks.

  I shrug, wrapping my hand around her wrist and tugging her against my chest. I love how she always comes to me, never fights when I do this. She’s always at my side, never out of my sight, and always my fucking dream come true.

  Lifting my hand, I tuck a piece of her light brown hair behind her ear. My eyes search hers, wondering if she can handle this moment. It’s one that’s been plaguing me. Not because Carson has named her baby after Roxanne, but because I know that Roxie wants children of her own and she’ll never have them.

  “You’ll be okay with all of this?” I ask.

  She nods, understanding immediately filling her. Her hands cup my cheeks, her eyes focusing on my own. “I’m okay, Tanner. I’ll be okay. I’m happy for my friend, ecstatic even. Are you?”

  Her question shouldn’t hit me like a ton of bricks, but it does. However, I don’t even have to think about it. “I’m good, Firefly,” I rasp, brushing my lips along hers. “I told you that all I needed in this life to be happy, was you, and I still stand by that. I just know you’ve been feeling edgy lately.”

  Roxanne’s lips twitch. “I have, and I’m going to get through it, thanks to you I know that I won’t fail. Now, let’s go see that new baby.”

  We make our way into the hospital, and up to labor and delivery. The club is there, the women on the edge of their seats, the men all half asleep as we await the arrival of the newest Notorious Devils family member. I pull out my phone and send a text to Keys letting him know that we’re here, the way he asked me to when Roxanne arrived.

  Less than a minute after my text is sent, Keys is at the door. “Roxie, she’s callin’ for you,” he shouts, sounding panicked as fuck.

  Roxanne looks to Keys, then up to me. “Go ahead, be with your girl,” I suggest. I don’t have to tell her twice. She practically sprints toward Keys and all I can do is smile as I watch her go.

  “She looks really fucking good,” Snake announces at my side.

  I’m still peeved with him, but he’s my president, and at the end of the day he’s human. We all fuck up at one time or another in life, it’s not fair for me to hold that shit against him, not when the outcome is the way that it is.

  “She is good,” I nod.

  We stay quiet for a few more moments, my eyes never leaving the door that she ran through. Snake clears his throat, and I turn to look over at him. He’s obviously got something else to say, so I’ll listen.

  “Took you off rotation. Want you sticking close to home. Wanted to know if you’d be in charge of prospects?”

  His words take me off guard. I blink, unsure of what to say exactly. Clearing my throat, I nod once. “Yeah, yeah that would be good for me,” I admit.

  He runs his hand down his face, then rubs his chin. “Good, yeah. So I’ll get you a full list of shit, but basically you’ll be in charge of recruits and prospect duties, also gathering information to pass to Keys so that he can do a detailed background. It’s too much for me to handle, I need to delegate. I fucked up, and I don’t want that to ever happen again.”

  I don’t call him out on his admission of fucking up. There’s no point to it. Lifting my hand, I wrap my fingers around his shoulder and give him a small shake. “I’m on it, Pres,” I smile.

  He chuckles, lifting his chin. “Good. Report to me in the morning, I’ll get you set up.” He turns and walks away, back to his woman and kids who are over in the play area. I track him for only a brief moment, then turn my gaze back toward the doors that I’d been watching.

  I smile.

  Shit always finds a way of working itself out. This means that I’ll be home with Roxanne and that I’ll have a semblance of control over who is allowed in this club, if they aren’t properly vetted then that’s on my shoulders. It’s a burden, but one that I’ll gladly carry for the safety of my woman and my club.

  ROXANNE

  I’ve never experienced a birth. I never thought that I would, not even to just watch the miracle take place, yet here I am. The baby, a sweet little girl came screaming into this world and my heart immediately melted. I watched as both Carson and Ace cried and fawned over her.

  It was breathtakingly gorgeous and as much as I didn’t want to feel that pang of jealousy, it was there, deep inside of me. It would always be there when I looked at happy little families, I know that about myself. I tamp it down as I smile at the new life, the beautiful life that just entered this world.

  Taking a step back, I decide to give them their privacy. “Don’t go,” Carson calls weakly. She looks exhausted, but still too pretty for just delivering a baby—naturally. How she didn’t beg for drugs, I’ll never know.

  “I’m going to give you guys some alone time,” I smile.

  She shakes her head, holding her hand out toward me. Closing the distance between us, I clasp her hand, my brows furrow as I look down at her. The baby is nestled against her chest, Ace’s hand touching her sweet little tuft of blonde hair.

  “Don’t you want to know her name? Hold her?” she asks.

  My eyes widen, sudden fear fills me. She’s brand new, brand spanking new, and there is no way I can hold her. I’ve never held a life so small and fragile before. “We picked her name months ago, but haven’t really told anyone for a reason,” she begins to explain, ignoring the obvious fear in my eyes at potentially holding, and dropping her new baby.

  Ace slowly picks the baby up, she’s wrapped up and he delivers her to my arms. I cradle her head and body, the way I’ve seen them instruct people on television, she’s terrifying though, and if she moves, I’ll freak the fuck out.

  “Her name is Roxanne,” Carson announces, interrupting my trepidation.

  My head immediately pops up, my mouth drops open and my eyes widen. “What?” I breathe.

  “I couldn’t think of
a better woman to name her after than you, Roxie. You’re brave, strong, kind, and caring. You are everything a person should be, and I hope that she’s just like you.”

  “Don’t say that, don’t ever hope for that,” I whimper, my eyes filling with tears. “She is going to be so much better than I could ever imagine, I can already see it inside of her.”

  Ace chooses this moment to step up to my side. He can see my arms trembling, and he gently takes her from my hold. Lifting my shaky hand, I wipe the tears from beneath my eyes as they begin to fall.

  “You are amazing, Roxie. I want her to be just like you,” Carson whispers, her voice sounding tired.

  Reaching for my friend, I take her hand in mine. Giving her a gentle squeeze, I inhale deeply. “She will be strong, but not because of a name. She’ll be strong because you are her mother. You’re the strongest woman I know, Carson.”

  Carson smiles at me as she struggles to keep her eyes open.

  “Sleep,” I whisper, releasing her hand.

  Walking over to Ace, I reach out and run my fingers along the baby’s head. “She mentioned the name when you were taken. I never agreed or disagreed. But when you came back, when I saw how strong you were, and how determined you were. I knew that she’d made the right decision, so I agreed,” he explains.

  “I’m not though, I’m sick, Ace.”

  He chuckles, shaking his head. “Bull-fuckin’-shit, you ain’t sick. You are fucking strong from the inside out. Like Carson said, I hope this baby is half as strong as you are, Roxie,” he murmurs.

  I shake my head, but he arches a brow, daring me to argue with him. I don’t. I give him a shaky smile, still not believing his shit. Not believing a goddamn word of it. Leaving the new family alone, I make my way back to the lobby.

  When I open the doors, I’m met with every single person’s gaze. “A beautiful healthy baby girl,” I call out with a smile.

  Tanner is immediately at my side as. The room erupts with cheers from men and women alike. “And what was this beautiful girl’s name?” Tanner asks.