“We’re fucked up,” Bryn mumbled.
“We are,” she agreed.
“Thank ya.” The words were so hushed, she nearly missed them. She just bumped her horns to his, hoping he knew what she was trying to say back.
Eventually, he stopped shaking. He relaxed next to her. She knew the moment he fell asleep and didn’t wake him up. Instead, she watched Luykas, who watched them.
“I’ve never seen him sleep, not like that.” Luykas nodded to Bryn. “Should wake him, in case anything happens, but it feels like the storm is already calming down.”
“Is this how it normally happens? They hit hard and fast then disappear?”
“Every time. There was one trip that we were hit by three in fast succession. Bryn here nearly lost his mind. We had to tie him up and toss him in his own room.”
“When was that?” she asked softly.
“The trip we accidentally picked him up on. He stowed away on the ship, a slave trying to get his own freedom. We found him pretty quickly and told him off, saying he didn’t need to hide. If he could escape, he could have just run with us and we would have fed him sooner.” Luykas chuckled. “He was a lot like you, actually. He didn’t trust easily. Shied away from everyone who wanted to talk to him. Hated being touched and nearly stabbed Nevyn for it, scaring the shit out of the warrior.”
“How did he change?”
“We didn’t let him hide from us like we let you hide. We forced him to sit with us at meals and talk. We made him come outside and practice, learning he was a violent little gladiator.”
“Little?” She snorted. He was a head taller than her, only going to his chin. She knew Luykas meant little to the other males, since Bryn was on the short side for one of them, but he was taller than any average female.
“Little to us.” Luykas chuckled as he clarified. “It was Varon and Nevyn who saved him from himself in the end. Varon, really. That priest knows how to deal with the wounded and bleeding. He knows how to balm the soul.”
“I haven’t spoken much to them. What are they like?”
“As long as you don’t try to get in the middle of their bedyara, they’re amazing. They’ll gut anyone who tries to break them up or join in on it, thinking the love extends past them. Makes things a little complicated because of what type of priest Varon is, but they make it work.”
“And what type of priest is he?” She frowned, tilting her head. She knew what bedyara meant. It was a male-only committed family. She knew there was a female version as well. Rain had explained this to her before.
“You’ll need to talk to him and Nevyn about that. I’m not the best person to explain gods and priests. I don’t put all that much stock in them. Apparently, I should start.” Something at the end of statement screamed bitter.
“I don’t either.” She could relate with him. “They’ve never done me any good.”
“Oh?” He narrowed his eyes, watching her carefully. She knew he was judging her, trying to figure it out.
“I’ve prayed to them for a thousand years, and look at what it got me. You’ve done more for me than they ever have.” She remembered her bitter, angry words. How she screamed at the gods for forcing her to hurt Matesh and Rain. How she would rather die than keep fighting if it meant hurting the two people she finally cared about.
She had asked the gods for so much. Freedom. Safety. Peace. None of it ever was granted. Finally, she had begged them to keep her new males safe and they had failed her one last time.
No, she would never love the Andinna gods. She couldn’t bring herself to.
“The Andinna gods are…” Luykas trailed off, as if he was looking for the right word. “Stand-offish. They meddle, but not much. Again, something to talk to Varon about, not me. I’ve got two pantheons. The Elvasi gods have been silent for millennia and religion in the Empire is for show now. They don’t put any stock in their own gods except for festivals and excuses to behave in certain ways.”
“You talk as if they’re real.”
“To many, they are.” Luykas shook his head. “And sometimes, I wonder myself. Not like they’re walking the earth, but sometimes…” He didn’t continue on that topic, pointing at Bryn. “Back to that one. He’s a good male. Quiet, which is understandable, but reliable and trustworthy, and smarter than any of us could have known. We never would have known any of that about him if it wasn’t for Varon really helping him make it past some large hurdles.”
“Sounds like everyone took much more of an active role in Brynec’s freedom than mine,” she muttered.
“You’re harder to deal with. First, you’re female, and in our culture, that makes you our better. We have to tread carefully or we’ll find ourselves with a female that can and will rip our balls off. You might not understand them, but you feel the instincts to dominate and rule, like nearly every other female of our people.” Luykas laughed like he had some private joke. “Second, you’re you. Maevana Lorren. Your parents’ names were so well known that our people knew them second only to our Queen and the royal family.” He leaned forward, his face too close to hers. “That ties into the last one. You have a reputation Bryn didn’t. You’re the Champion of the Colosseum, and while you aren’t there anymore, the legend of you has reached Olost and the free Andinna. We never thought you were real. We had never seen you. Imagine what it’s like to deal with someone who is so infamous that people would tell their children scary stories about them.”
She swallowed. That did change everything.
“Then add in that you don’t know…anything. We’re teaching you things children are raised with. This bed thing…no other female would ever offer her bed to a male for any reason like this, not her mayara bed anyway. Not the bed her other males made for her.”
“Fine, so I’m more difficult than Bryn. I get it.” Of course I am. Why would I expect anything to be easy just because it was for someone else?
“You don’t make it easy, that’s for sure. You scare the shit out of the sailors, too. That’s why they don’t talk to you or any of the Andinna when you’re around. No one, and I mean no one, sees female Andinna anymore. They’re all in hiding in our villages. They don’t go out and put big fucking males on their asses. They know we defer to our females and that’s it. Now there is one and the humans don’t know what the hell to do.”
“I didn’t realize I was such a…disturbance.” She said the words tightly, trying to contain the hurt in them.
“That one isn’t on you. It’s just the circumstances of what’s going on.” Luykas sighed, looking down. “And I didn’t make this easy for you either. For that, I’m sorry.”
“Excuse me?”
“The blood bond. I had to do something, and that was all I had. And before that…I’m normally not this bad at helping people, you must understand. You’ve thrown me for a loop just by existing, and forgive me…but I’m willing to do anything to make sure you live.”
“I don’t understand why.” She needed to. “You could have let me die, and no one would hate you for it…well, Mat and Rain would hopefully miss me, but it’s not like I’m irreplaceable-”
“But you are. You are irreplaceable.”
She didn’t have a response and she didn’t understand why he would say that. She didn’t think she was. She was just the sole survivor of a family that used to be important. She was the reason her people were enslaved. If anything, that was a good reason to let her die. Not that she wasn’t grateful to be alive, but at the cost he’d put on them?
She just wasn’t sure she was worth that.
Sitting next to Bryn, knowing where his pain came from, she hoped she could prove she was, even if it felt like an impossible task.
11
Mave
A sailor poked his head in, startling Mave and Luykas. They had been silent for the remainder of the storm, not sure what else to talk about.
“Storm’s over. Seas are calming down. Ya can go about yer days.” The sailor closed the door again, leaving t
hem with the news.
“Well, this was fun.” Luykas jumped up. “Thanks for tolerating my presence in your space, Mave.”
She jumped up as well, leaving Bryn where he was. He’d fallen into such a deep sleep, she wasn’t sure she could wake him. She ignored Luykas, going for her door. She reached for the handle at the same time as the mutt, their hands touching.
For just a second, her world was two worlds. Her body was flooded with guilt and confusion that wasn’t hers. It was full of an undeniable need to touch, to be near someone. Him.
She snarled, shoving him back from her.
“Don’t touch me,” she snapped.
“It was an accident,” he pleaded. “I didn’t think you would go for the door knob.”
“Well, don’t do it again,” she growled. She shoved the door open, storming out and running into a massive chest. Instantly, she calmed down as she recognized Mat’s scent. That spiciness she had never experienced before meeting him.
“Something wrong?” he asked quickly.
“No,” she answered. “Luykas and I accidentally touched and it upset me for a moment. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I’m glad you are too. I’m sorry for not being here, but my uncle-”
“No, I understand,” she said quickly. “Leshaun needs his nephew to help him. He’s your family.”
“Let’s get some rest. The storm was awful.” Matesh leaned down and kissed her slowly. “I want you.” His words were sensual. She let him back her up to their room, ignoring how Luykas walked away quickly. She wanted to forget that mutt and have her male. She was glad he was okay and wanted to show him.
They stopped at the door when Matesh tensed.
“Why is Bryn in our bed?” he asked, an edge to his words that made her realize very quickly that he needed an explanation or someone was going to end up hurt. She knew how males could ride their tempers. She had never expected it from something like this.
“He was ill. I told him to lie down where he was more comfortable. I told him to, Matesh. He and Luykas tried to tell me he shouldn’t, but I didn’t want him sick and uncomfortable. I got him to fall asleep during the storm.” She said the words sternly, enunciating every word.
Matesh’s nostrils flared. She could see barely restrained fury in his emerald eyes. “It’s our bed, Mave,” he growled. “Ours.”
“I know, but-”
“He’s not yours,” Mat snapped. “He’s not mayara and he doesn’t belong there.”
“And are you mayara?” she asked softly, pulling his face to hers, hoping to distract him. “Are you?”
“Of course I am.” His chest rumbled with the words.
“I wanted to help him, and if you want to stay with me, you would understand that,” she said quickly. “Please, Mat. They warned me this wouldn’t go over well, they did. Be mad at me, not Bryn.”
“I’m not…” Mat growled again. “I’m not mad.” He pulled away. “I’m frustrated.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you should have listened to them. They know why this is a problem.” He turned away and walked away. “I’ll stay with my uncle for the night.”
“Mat!” She called out, watching him walk down the hall. She stood there in shock for a long time, just not understanding why that had happened. She didn’t know why this was such a big deal. Bryn was just sleeping and they were all friends. Why couldn’t he see she was just trying to do something nice? It took a lot for her to do these sorts of things, and he just threw it in her face and didn’t listen.
Feeling burned, she went back into her room and shut the door. She didn’t go to her bed to sleep. She grabbed a book of Andena from her chest and worked her frustration out translating the glyphs on her own.
Maybe somewhere in one of the passages there would be a reason the fucking bed was so important.
“Where am I?” Bryn mumbled, startling her out of her concentration. It felt like hours later, and she had no idea how long she had been struggling and forcing herself to read the Andena, but she knew it had been too long. She should have tried to sleep long before he woke up.
“In my room,” she answered. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” he said, opening his eyes. “Where’s Luykas?”
“He left. The storm ended. We let you sleep through it, since there were two of us to keep an eye on things.” She smiled down at him. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”
“The storm ended and you didn’t wake me?” He snapped to attention now. “Where’s Matesh?”
She swallowed. “He’s staying with Leshaun.”
“Shit,” Bryn growled. “He’s goin’ to kill me.” He scrambled to stand, pushing off the blanket she’d put on his legs.
“He’s not angry with you,” she whispered, looking down at her book. Bryn stopped once he was on his feet. She saw his hands grab her book and she let him pull it away. “He’s angry with me.”
“Ah…We should have explained the bed thing better, but the storm…” Bryn sat next to her. “Male Andinna…we build these beds for our females. The bed is made by the males of a mayara to show they can do something wonderful for the female by giving her this soft place to lay her head. And for us. The mayara bed is the one place where we feel secure in our place with our female and the other males. It’s a place of great trust. No one is a threat to the other. We all are there for her. I’m not in your mayara, Mave. I’m a threat in Mat’s most trusted place. I could be here, convincing you to throw him out and take me. I would never, but that’s what he feels.”
She listened, taking that in. She should have listened. It would have been like if she found a strange male in her room in the pits. She would have never felt safe again. She also would have killed the intruder.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I wanted to do something nice. I didn’t think…”
“You didn’t really know,” he reminded her. “Which is our fault, really. This is something we should have explained ages ago, or made Mat explain. It would have stopped these sorts of misunderstandings. I shouldn’t have given in, either. I made that mistake. I’ll need to apologize to him.”
“Will he…leave me for this?” She felt that worry now.
“No,” Bryn promised. “He won’t leave ya for this. He’ll probably beat me up in training once or twice, though, if I don’t hurry up and tell him it was just an accident and it won’t happen again. I’m not going to be allowed in this room again, or any room ya stay in now. He’s not going to allow it.”
“I don’t see why-”
“It’s his job to protect ya,” Bryn said quickly, cutting her off. “From everyone and everythin’. This is the place ya should be the most safe, and yet there was a male in yer bed that he didn’t know. We’re instinctual people, Mave. We rubbed all of his instincts wrong and he’s probably tryin’ to not kill anyone. If he hadn’t shown any control, he would have come in here to kill me. He’s probably with his uncle to make space and get over it.” Bryn sighed. “It’s not just Matesh. Any male ya ever bring into yer mayara will act this way. Well, any of the official males, yer bodanras. Rain, who is yer brother in the eyes of the Andinna now, is mayara, but he won’t step up to fight unless your bodanras aren’t available. He’ll defer to them.”
“Why is this so complicated?” she asked, trying to work it out in her mind and failing.
“I think ya need to see it. When we get to the village, ya will understand a bit more. We’re spendin’ some time there for the mission, then winterin’ there, and ya will be completely immersed in how females run things and how the males have their own places, with their own power and rights.” Bryn patted her thigh tentatively. “I’m goin’ to go see him now. Ya should wait here. Make him come to this ground and show him it’s safe again. If that’s what ya want.”
“Okay,” she agreed. “I’m sorry.”
“Yer learnin’, and we’re failin’ at catchin’ you up. This is as much Mat’s fault as it is mine or yer
s.” Bryn stood up and when he reached the door, he turned back to her. “Mave…thank ya. I haven’t slept like that in a long time.”
“Of course. You’ve helped me a lot, and…”
“Ya don’t owe me, but I get it.” He smiled and walked out, leaving her to her thoughts.
She went back down into the bed, feeling like it was more important now. For weeks it had just been a bed. Now it felt like a gift. Why hadn’t Matesh told her any of this? Why hadn’t he told her that this was special?
She picked up a blanket and held it to her chest. She thought about the bed she shared with her mother, all the furs and pillows. It had been cozy and wonderful. Had her father made that bed for them?
The door opened with a creak.
Here we go. Time for me to realize just how bad of a mistake this is.
“Mave…” Mat sounded strained. “Bryn came to see me.”
“I know,” she answered, still looking at the blanket she held, her fingers rubbing the soft fabric. She figured it was the fanciest thing on the ship. “Where did you get this one?”
“I asked Sen for it, knowing he would have the nicest stuff on the ship. He isn’t one of us, but he knew what I was after.”
Oh. Oh, that’s so nice of him. I’ve never had something so fine and I didn’t even notice.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, pulling it up to her face. “I just wanted to do something nice for him and he was hurting. He…understands me in a lot of ways, and he’s kind to me when he doesn’t have to be. He’s another gladiator and he’s kind.”
“I know.” He walked closer and she heard the door shut. “And I’m sorry. Leshaun hit me with his cane a few times, telling me that I needed to remember you don’t understand. He had to order me to do something I should have already been doing.”
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