by Read, Calia
If someone, right then, demanded I gave them my name, I couldn’t. There was only one name flowing in my mind and it started with N.
Nathalie, Nathalie, Nathalie.
Even her name was beautiful.
“I came before, didn’t I?” I asked.
She nodded.
My strides were purposeful as I walked to Nathalie. My hands curled around her jaw. Nathalie willingly tilted her head back, and comfortably settled her hands on my waist. She smiled at me with nothing but trust in her eyes.
I kissed her urgently, making up for all the moments I wanted her during dinner but couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Nat eagerly responded, her hands moving from my waist and up to my chest. I marveled at the sharp contrast that was Nat. Not even fifteen minutes ago I watched her politely make conversation with Mrs. Pleasonton. She was proper and kind to everyone she met and knew, but underneath that she was passionate and fiery. There was nothing proper about her.
She returned every touch and kiss of mine with one of her own. Her tongue slid against mine with ease and precision. Then she sucked on my tongue, and although she was no longer hesitant, there remained an eager naiveté to her. She was none the wiser to what she did to me, and the thoughts that she brought to my mind.
With a groan, I pulled back, my hands still cupping her face. Otherwise, she would be on the bed in seconds. Nat smiled at me with a dazed expression in her eyes. “Tu m’as manqué,” she said in perfect French.
I didn’t know if anyone had ever told me they had missed me. Something told me Nathalie would be the first and last person to say it, too.
My thumbs brushed against the soft skin of her cheeks. “Tu m’as manqué,” I repeated.
I meant every word. When I was with Nathalie, everything was right in my world. Once she left, I felt her absence. I didn’t just miss her. She was missing from me.
Knowing the two of us would part ways tonight caused me to slam my lips against hers. Nat stifled a gasp and twisted the material of my shirt around one of her small fists.
I couldn’t take my hands or mouth away from her as I guided the two of us across the room. We continued to move until the back of my feet hit the bench in front of the bed. I fell back onto it and continued to explore Nat’s mouth with my tongue. She followed me, her hands bracketing my head, her breasts brushing against my chest. My hand combed through her hair, and Nat softly moaned.
Her hands slowly and tortuously explored my chest. I was painfully hard, pressing against my pants. There was no possible way I could say no when she pulled the hem of my shirt out of my pants.
In the time we had spent together, I had discovered Nathalie’s favorite place on me was my chest. Her fingers would trail down my chest hair, to trace my abs. She would wear an expression of awe as she continued her perusal, unknowing that she was slowly torturing me.
Her fingers were quick on the buttons of my shirt. But I moved quicker. My hands flew down the row of buttons on the back of her dress with a quick efficiency that surprised even myself. Before dinner I saw her speaking with Rainey, I counted the buttons on her blue dress.
Fifteen.
They were small and delicate and while a local businessman beside me spoke to me about new railway lines that opened in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, I was theorizing the best way to open Nathalie’s dress.
“You have a bright future, boy. Where do you see yourself in five years?” he asked.
Inside Nathalie Calhoun.
The thought was devious and quick to move through my mind. But it was not a lie.
I had always believed self-restraint had never been a difficulty of mine. Yet every time I was alone with Nathalie, it was put to the test. I constantly had to remind myself there were boundaries I couldn’t cross, and Nathalie’s honor to think of.
There was a basic, primal instinct in me, though. It was selfish and greedy and reasoned I could be with her in every way. Because she would always be mine in every way.
No one else could have her. I knew I couldn’t keep someone as beautiful as her, but when she was in my arms, the thought of her someday being with someone else made me want to roar like some wild beast.
Her dress sagged open to reveal her chemise. The ivory and lace detail were of no importance to me. It was beneath it that interested me. When I saw her nipples puckered against the satin, I nearly growled in anticipation.
But Nat pulled back ever so slightly, her hand resting on my chest while she worried her lower lip between her teeth.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Every time we’re together you give me pleasure…” Quickly she averted her gaze. “What about you?”
I swallowed. “What about me?”
Shyly, Nathalie looked at me from beneath her lashes and smiled. “Do you want me to pleasure you?”
More than you can possibly understand.
In fact, at night it was all I had been thinking about. I fell asleep to the image of Nat on her knees, between my legs, taking my cock in her mouth.
Nat took my silence as encouragement and reached toward the buttons of my pants. Immediately, I grabbed both of her hands in mine. “N-no. Don’t,” I stuttered. “That’s not necessary.”
Nat appeared heartbroken at my refusal. I sat up and let go of her hands. “I can take care of myself in that regard.” I curved my hand around her neck to bring her closer. “But I want you, Nathalie. Believe me. I do.”
Her smile returned, but it was filled with knowledge. I had given Nat her first course on the true power women held over men and it was a swift punch to my gut because I knew there would be a time this power wouldn’t be used on me. I couldn’t keep something as perfect as Nathalie.
She was my Lady Gouldian. She would fly away eventually.
Nat leaned in, the sleeve of her dress sliding down one creamy smooth shoulder. “Asa,” she said, breaking through my thoughts. I found her staring at me with wide eyes. “I want to.”
I leaned back and spread my legs. As Nat moved between them, my Adam’s apple bobbed as though this was the first time a woman had touched me.
Nathalie settled on her knees and placed her hands on my thighs. They slowly moved toward the buttons of my pants. I didn’t help her unbutton them because I was following her pace. Everything was in her control.
She freed one button and then the other. My teeth grinded together as each button came undone. I had to stop myself from ripping them apart. Finally, my pants were opened, and I didn’t know whether to sigh with relief or brace myself.
Nathalie gave me a smile that was filled with trust and nerves. “Show me what you like, yes?”
All I could do was nod. My entire body was frozen in place, as I avidly watched her.
Her small, smooth hands were warm and slightly shaking as she moved toward my britches. I helped her push down my pants and drawers, and carefully watched her when I was exposed to her.
She didn’t make a sound or say a word. Nat merely stared. Just her eyes alone on me was enough to make me grow harder.
With wide eyes, she looked at me. “What do you like?”
I gave her a strained smile. “It feels good when you touch me. And you move your hand up and down.”
Nat started to move her hand toward my cock. When she was near the base, she pulled back. I nearly groaned in frustration.
This is agony. Please, touch me!
“Up and down?” Nat questioned.
I swallowed. “It will feel good.”
Tentatively, Nat began to move her hand just as I said. My hips nearly lifted from the bench at how good it felt.
At first, Nat’s touch was timid. But it was of no importance to me. She was actually touching me.
But as time went on, she grew more confident. Her touch moved faster, and my breath came out faster. When she started to tighten her grip, I hissed. If she kept doing that, I would immediately come.
Nat watched me, her touch slowing. Immediately, I sat up on my elbows and looked dow
n at her.
“Is there anythin’ else you like?”
My mouth parted; there was a lot I like but I couldn’t… Yet her soft lips were so close to my cock. The thought made me twitch.
“You… you can use your mouth,” I bit out.
Nat merely lifted a brow, appearing far older than she was. “And you’ll like that?”
“I will love it,” I said raggedly.
As Nat slowly lowered her head, she kept her eyes on me. The first touch of her lips on the tip of my cock made me twitch; it shocked Nat, making her jump back.
But she came back, and her touch became exploratory. And the torture began. My fantasy couldn’t compare to the reality of Nathalie. I didn’t take into account the warmth of her lips on me.
When she used her tongue, I knew I was going to lose control, and nothing could stop me. My breath came out in pants. Nat’s mouth moved faster, and her hand joined in.
My thighs tensed, and I knew what was coming. Rather than pull away, one hand grabbed onto the back of Nathalie’s head, holding her in place. The other hand reached out and linked fingers with Nathalie’s.
I came so hard and fast; my legs were shaking. Against my cock, Nathalie moaned. I stared at her bent head with half-mast eyes, before my upper body fell back onto the bed.
Taking deep breaths, I stared at the ceiling. Moments later, I felt Nathalie digging through my pants that had fallen to my ankles. I was so sated and satisfied, I didn’t care. She rose in front of me with my handkerchief in her hand and dabbed at the corners of her mouth like a proper Southern lady.
Lowering the handkerchief, she smiled at me. “Did it feel good?”
“Did it feel good…” I repeated. Suddenly, I sat up and grabbed her around the waist before I fell back onto the bed.
She squealed with delight. With her palms on the bed, she looked down at me, her eyes twinkling. My heart dropped to my gut as I looked up at her beautiful face.
I swallowed and curled my hand around the back of her head. “You are perfect. Perfect in every way.”
“Asa-” she protested.
“I mean it,” I cut in. “Tu m’as manqué,” I said.
She frowned ever so slightly, then smiled. “I’m right here.”
I smiled sadly, knowing that we must part soon. “I know that.”
As though she could read my mind, her smile faded. She leaned down and repeated my earlier words. “You are perfect to me, Asa Calhoun. Perfect in every way.”
If I stayed much longer with her, I wouldn’t want to leave. I would beg her to choose me and no one else. But in this world, I knew there would be someone who would know how to love her, and properly.
“We should probably get dressed. We’ve been gone for quite a while.”
Nathalie scanned my face for a long moment before she nodded and stood.
I made quick work pulling my drawers and pants up. Once my clothes were in order, I turned Nathalie around and began to button her dress back up.
“When will I see you again?” she asked, looking over her shoulder at me.
I didn’t pause as I continued to work at the small buttons. As Nat waited for me to answer, I knew what I should say. She had given me the perfect opportunity, but her scent had enveloped me. I couldn’t think about the future. I couldn’t think about anything else but this beautiful girl. Finally, I finished the long row of buttons.
Nathalie turned in my arms, allowing me to hold her face between my hands. I brushed my thumb along her lower lip. “Perhaps in a few short days?”
“That seems long. Tomorrow, okay?”
“Even better.”
I had no strength or resolve when it pertained to Nathalie. Truthfully, I never had, but it didn’t matter because she was Étienne’s little sister. When she was younger, I knew how to define her.
Now, the role she played in my life was far different than what I was accustomed to. I didn’t know what her role was. I couldn’t call her a friend. I cared for her deeply, and I had never desired a friend like this. But did I love her?
I’d never seen or experienced love in my life to truly understand it. How would I know?
My father once said, No one can love you the way you are.
Not once had I tried to see if his statement was wrong. Part of me was terrified to discover that he was right.
We finalized our words with one last quick kiss. Which led to another quick kiss, and another, and another, and another. Soon we came back together for a slow, lingering kiss that had Nat softly moaning.
“I wondered why you left so early,” a voice said behind us.
I didn’t know what was worse. That there was someone behind us, or that I recognized the voice in question.
Nat gasped and tried to turn, but I had my arms around her, hiding her from whoever was there.
But if it is who I thought it was, we were both doomed.
I looked over my shoulder and appraised my friend. “Good evenin’, Pleas,” I solemnly greeted.
Miles arched a brow and stepped deeper into the room. Slowly, I lowered my arms from her. “Nat, it’s lovely to see you.”
Swallowing, Nat took a small step back from me, as though the distance would, somehow, convince Pleas we were doing nothing. She dipped her head and gave Pleas a weak smile.
Miles directed his attention to me, all traces of kindness gone. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”
Briefly, I glanced at Nat. With her arms tightly folded around her midsection. She looked scared, like a wounded animal ready to take flight at any moment.
This was all my fault. I knew better, and yet, I still did what I wanted. I leaned down and whispered in her ear, “You will be all right. I won’t let anythin’ happen to you.”
Nat nodded, and gave me the same weak smile when she thought she had to go to New York and live with her Aunt Christine. Only this time, it was my fault.
Miles looked between Nathalie and me. “If Étienne finds out, he will kill you.”
“I know that,” I replied, soberly.
“Then stop.”
Didn’t he know? I couldn’t.
Perhaps the truth was written across my face because Miles groaned and dragged his hands through his hair before he muttered a curse.
“Have a care. There’s a lady present,” I said, gesturing to Nat.
Miles dropped his hands, looking dumbfounded at me. “Now you care about decorum? If I hadn’t had walked up on the two of you when I did, you would have to marry her!”
“Hey!” I growled and advanced toward my friend.
“No, no, no!” Nat objected, coming between the two of us.
She held her hands against my chest and gave me an imploring look.
Immediately, I backed down. I had never fought with Miles. I had never had a reason to. But Nathalie was my reason.
Once the two of us took a deep breath, Nathalie slowly lowered her arms and stepped away. “I don’t care if my brother finds out. This is my choice. I am not a child, and I am free to do as I please.”
Miles barely looked at Nathalie. He was too busy, glaring at me. “Nat, you’re a young woman,” he said quietly. “You don’t know what you want or what’s out there. Asa does. He’s had the chance. I believe you should have the same opportunity.”
Everything Miles said made sense. I had no rebuttal than the desire I felt for Nat, the uncontrollable urge to be with her any chance I could get. But that was sheer selfishness.
“That’s not true, Pleas.” Nathalie rushed forward and grabbed a hold of Miles’ arm. Before I saw her at her debutante ball, before I kissed her, I wouldn’t have thought twice of the gesture. Now I wanted to tackle my best friend and tell him she was mine.
What was happening? When had everything changed?
Pleas patted Nat’s arm before he disengaged. “Nat, I like you. If it wasn’t for you, Rainey would be out there runnin’ free with a pack of wolves. Somehow, you’ve managed to civilize her. But this cannot continue.”
/> Nathalie shook her head at Miles. She looked at me. When I didn’t object to Miles’ words, tears filled her eyes. I had never felt as helpless and broken as I did right now.
“Do you feel the same?” Nathalie asked me.
I swallowed and didn’t say a word.
“Do you feel the same? Should we continue?” Nathalie asked, her voice rising with each word.
Slowly, I shook my head because I knew if I spoke, I would say yes.
The heartbreak in Nat’s eyes would live with me forever. Tears spilled down her cheeks, and I took a step forward. It was instinctive. I wanted to help her. But she held a hand out and went to Miles. Seeing her step back into his arms made my hands curl into fists. It wasn’t right. She was mine! I took another step forward.
“Don’t,” she warned.
Miles began to walk her to the door. Before they left, he gave me a regretful look. Our friendship would remain intact because he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to witness this, any more than I wanted to experience this. But it was bound to happen.
Broken and confused, I sat on the bench and dropped my face into my hands and reminded myself that Nathalie deserved someone who would love her properly.
But in my head, all I heard, repeatedly, were my father’s words, No one can love you the way you are.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Asa
When I arrive home, I’m no more settled on what I will say to Juliet.
I know one simple fact to be true: I can’t be without Nathalie.
What happened last night has left my soul settled, but my stomach in knots. Juliet doesn’t deserve this. No matter my opinions on who she truly is, I know there’s a part of her that’s good. She deserves to know the truth. I have to let her know I can no longer be with her. The separation will be a scandal as much as Nathalie objecting to our wedding.
But if I end it now, Juliet can still find someone else. She can still be happy. And I can finally be with Nathalie.
The house is quiet, with only the servants moving about. I’m certain Juliet is asleep and will not be up for several hours. As I begin to walk up the steps, I hear a voice behind me. “There you are.”
Turning, I see my wife standing in the sitting room doorway. “Juliet,” I say, surprise coating my words.