by Raine Miller
I tried to memorize the sensations, because I couldn’t bear the thought of forgetting how I felt with him at that moment.
When Neil finally broke away from our kiss he still held the back of my neck firmly in his hand, taking control of our moment together, and I loved it. He made me feel cherished and I wanted to float in the feelings for forever.
“Cherry, I love you. And I just need you to be here with me. That’s all I want. I won’t ask you for more than that until it’s right, and we both want it. We’ll know when that time comes. And everything else will get itself worked out when we’re ready. Okay?” Another slow and thorough trace of his tongue in my mouth had my stomach fluttering and my heart racing.
I managed to nod back and whisper, “Yes.” I brought my hands up to hold both sides of his face. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.”
Then, Neil smiled at me. His entire beautiful face lighting up from his eyes to his chin. My guy looked really happy. My guy. I have a guy. Neil. Neil McManus is my man now.
Christmas and my birthday had come to me early this year, and both at the same time apparently.
Then I watched him get up from the bed and head into his bathroom. I heard the shower turn on and then the opening and closing of cupboards. He returned a few moments later with a big towel to wrap around me, and said he’d left me a shirt and some shorts I could wear after my shower if I liked. He told me he would be in the kitchen setting up the coffeemaker for the morning, and then he left the bedroom and closed the door.
I stayed in Neil’s bed for another moment and did my best to take everything in. I was definitely a mess on the outside, but inside where my heart still thwacked out a beat, I was absolutely floating around cloud nine.
He loved me. Neil really loved me, but damn if I’d allow him to kiss me again before I got clean and comfortable. I felt utterly gross and hideous, and still had trouble processing all that had just happened with us in the span of a very few hours.
I left his bed and headed into the bathroom. The shower was already hot and steaming up the small space. As promised, he’d set out his toothbrush and paste for me to use, and even some silky boxers and a soft black T-shirt with The Jimi Hendrix Experience in white letters across the front.
I knew Neil was a Hendrix fan, and I’d even seen him wearing this very shirt on occasion, and yet the fact he’d picked it out for me in particular, touched me. I reached for it and buried my face in its softness, inhaling deeply. Neil’s scent had always been heavenly to me and I’d been addicted to it for years. Hard to describe, but, absolutely lush on my sensibilities. Like fresh air, and forest spice, and pure water, all combined into the perfect blend of male fragrance.
And I’d been restricted from indulging in it for most of my life. But, not anymore.
I shut the bathroom door, stripped out of my bra and knickers, and got clean in my boyfriend’s shower. I so loved the words contained in that thought.
I’m sure I wore a ridiculous grin on my face the whole time I scrubbed. Once I was done in his shower, and worked out my teeth with his toothbrush, I was still grinning stupidly into the mirror like an idiot. I was so glad the door was shut and Neil couldn’t see how much of a lovesick fool I was being at the time. Pointless indeed. He would know it the moment I stepped out, anyway. He probably already did know.
I left the bathroom dressed in his T-shirt and silky boxer shorts. Better than naked in a towel or my puked-spotted clothes, and really sexy to have my skin against things that had been against his previously.
His shirt came down to the top of my thighs and I’d already decided I was keeping the thing. Yeah, Neil’s beloved Hendrix shirt would forever belong to me. I had absolutely no qualms about my thievery either. I didn’t want to have to be without the scent of him once his leave was over. I wouldn’t have him for long before he had to go back to being owned by the British Army in Afghanistan. That meant his shirt wasn’t getting washed anytime soon. If ever.
My inner ramblings distracted me to the point I wasn’t thinking about what might be waiting for me when I came out. But the sight that greeted me upon my return to the bedroom in nothing but Neil’s shorts and shirt, was not even close to what I expected. Stopping dead in my tracks, I’m sure my eyes were bugging out of my skull. The towel I’d been using to dry my hair slid from my grip and onto the floor with a soft thud.
Neil was in his bed, and he was waiting. For me. Definitely for me.
Holy Hell, he was a beautiful man. Sitting up against the headboard, he was leaning back, his wide bare chest exposed for my eyes to drink in. The cuts and angles of his hard muscles and golden skin, in contrast to the white sheets, nearly made me whimper aloud. I wanted to touch him so badly and knew there was a very good chance I would be getting my wish soon.
I could see that his nipples were hard. His gaze was trained upon me, deep with liquidity, mysterious and sensual, with a bit of an edge. I could only imagine what he was thinking about. Sweaty, crazy, naked shagging I’m sure. I definitely was.
My nipples were hard too, and I felt an involuntary shiver roll down my spine at the thought of Neil putting his hands on them.
I’d seen his body before. I knew what Neil looked like without his shirt on, and I knew very well about the washboard abs, and how they tapered into a V at his hips that made my insides a quivering mess whenever I was lucky enough to get a decent look at him. Which happened only on occasion, unfortunately.
Neil was blessed with an earthly form that easily put him into mythical god territory, but I’d never been in a position to allow myself to think of him in that way. Those times I’d seen him had been when he was working out with Ian or roughing ’round with boys at football or having a swim.
This situation was completely different. Neil was like this for me, and for me alone. He was offering himself to me—his body for my eyes to see, for my hands to touch, and for my lips to kiss.
“You’ve dropped your towel,” he said softly, splaying a hand out over the sheet, making his forearm muscle flex.
“I know.” I struggled to breathe through the pounding inside my chest and reached down for the towel.
“Leave it.”
Neil’s voice was harder, different—a command really. I froze mid-step, flipping my eyes up so I could see his face and understand what he meant.
His long muscled arms were stretched out toward me. “Come here, beautiful,” he said softly. “Don’t think about anything that scares you right now. It’s only me…and you.”
I nodded at him but no words would come from my mouth. All I could do was take in the experience of the moment and try to hear what he was saying to me.
“I want to hold you, and be close, and know that nobody is going to come between us or try to take you away from me. I want you all to myself for once.” He tilted his head a little. “Do you understand?”
“I do,” I managed.
Neil kept his arms out, his eyes glittering at me in a way I’d never experienced from him before. He was demanding from me, sure, but that’s not what gave me pause. The feelings rushing through me were thrilling, but also very frightening at the same time. My emotions paralyzed me because I really understood, right then and there in that moment, the enormity of what I was doing. Giving myself over to another person. Giving myself to Neil.
It made me extremely vulnerable. Didn’t it?
I felt the warning kiss of fear brush over my heart, as clearly as a cold breeze that makes you rub your arms in an effort to ward off a shivering chill.
I didn’t know how I’d survive if I lost him. If he stopped loving me, I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Or if I lost him to the war, which was a terrifying risk all on its own—and one he took every day he remained in active military service—I’d never make it out intact. Losing Neil would destroy me after learning what it felt like to be loved by him, as I learned on that night.
“Don’t think about the bad things, Elaina. Let all that go and come to me. My b
eautiful Cherry Girl…come over here and let me love you.”
I went.
All I knew, is that I found my way into the strong arms that I never wanted to leave, that I would ache for once he returned to the army, and that held me so perfectly, I had to tamp down the urge for more tears.
Neil’s hard body and soft lips pressed into me, allowing me to feel a little of how it would be with us, teaching me what it meant to be granted the deepest wish of my heart—to be loved by Neil McManus.
And at the very same time, I was forced to recognize my most terrifying fears in regards to Neil.
I could lose him.
And it would kill me if that ever happened.
CHAPTER 7
Neil was careful with me once he got me into his bed. He didn’t go beyond blistering kisses even though I would have let him. He kept us in check and his control was remarkable, because when he pressed against me I could feel how hard he was through his shorts. That it was Neil, and his erection I was feeling against my hip just made me hotter for him.
He hadn’t come to bed naked as I imagined he might have when I first stepped out of the bathroom and saw him waiting for me. No, he was covered, plus the sheet was now completely bunched up between us from my restless legs flailing around. Good thing for the layers and the self-control Neil possessed, because I surely had none.
When things got too heated he’d pull away and just look at me, stroking my cheek or my lips with a fingertip, waiting until we both cooled down.
I stared up at him in the dim light, my insides already a fluttering jumble to begin with, even more overwhelmed from his plundering kisses. I wondered where this was all going to lead with him.
Unable to keep still, I arched into him and then pressed my legs together to relieve some of the ache. “I—I need—Neil, I—”
“—I know exactly what you need, darlin’. I know what you need, just like I know what I want to do with you.”
He shifted his hips into me so I got a good feel of what was going on with his cock. He felt huge and this was not a surprise in any way. Neil was a big guy all over. I couldn’t keep my hands off him, either. I splayed out my hands across his back as I met his thrust with my own body, feeling heated desire swarm me. I would have done anything he was willing to do and knew that any slowdown of passion would have to be all on him. I extended my hand down the front of his shorts, slowly putting my hand over the rock-hard ridge filling them up.
Neil hissed as my hand came to rest over his erection, his own hand covering mine instantly. “But we’re not doin’ any of it tonight,” he told me softly, gently taking my hand in his and moving them both to the side.
“We aren’t?”
“No. Not here and not like this.” He pressed his lips to the hollow of my throat and spoke against the skin there. “You’re too precious to me for some desperate shag in the middle of the night.” He moved up to my lips. “I won’t do that to you. It’ll be special when we make love. And we will.” He murmured against my lips. “Oh yeah, darlin’, we will, and it’ll be very…very…good when we do.”
***
Neil’s strong arms held me enclosed within them, teaching what it felt like to be body-to-body with the man I loved.
Beautiful, wonderful, and perfect is how it felt.
We also found that conversations came easily for us. Made total sense considering we had years of shared experiences to draw from.
“Do you remember the first time you came over to our house for dinner?” I asked him.
“Of course.” Neil’s fingers stroked up and down my arm as if he just wanted the contact of touching me.
I couldn’t get enough of his hands on me, either. His touch was an affirmation of sorts for me. It made everything real and I desperately needed to believe that this was. All my hopes and dreams were riding on that simple fact.
“I fell in love with you when you winked at me over the table.” I looked into his eyes and saw the twinkling laugh reflected in them even if he was silent. Neil could communicate very clearly without speaking, and he did it all the time. I’m sure it was a good skill for the military too, especially when he was leading troops into battle. No wonder he’d already achieved the rank of captain in the British Army.
“I remember winking at you, thinking you were being so generous, offering me the last of your mum’s gourmet buns.”
“You were nice to me,” I told him, “so I could afford to be generous. Not many seventeen year olds will give a ten-year-old the time of day, let alone secret winks.”
Instead of responding to my confession, Neil loomed over me, his mouth dipping down to meet mine, his body pushing me back into the mattress again where he kissed me until I was breathless.
He laid his hand over my heart and held it there. Nothing sexual or wandering in the way he touched my breast, just the gesture of feeling the place where my heart pounded under the skin. “This heart is so beautiful, now as much as when you were ten. You have a beautiful heart, Cherry.”
Just like you do, Neil.
“I think I used to,” I said.
“What do you mean used to?”
I curled into his chest and traced a finger into the hollow of his throat. “After my d-dad died, I—I know I changed and I’m not—I’m not the person I was before. I’m not the nice girl you remember from years ago, Neil. I hope you know that.”
“But you are,” he said. “I know that’s not true. Why would you even think such a thing?” He tightened his grip around me.
“I’ve done things I never would have, if Dad were still here.”
“We all have, Cherry.” He kissed me slow before speaking. “I wish I’d been able to be here back then. I worried so much about you after your dad was taken.”
“I still miss him, so badly.”
“Of course you do. That’s normal.”
“But he would be ashamed of me and what I’ve been up to these last years.”
“And what’s that exactly?”
I didn’t know what to answer. If I was truthful, then Neil might be disgusted with me. If I wasn’t, then it made me a liar by omission and I didn’t think I could do that to Neil. I held our love to a higher standard, and somehow I knew he did as well.
“Well, I’m not innocent. I’ve done things I am ashamed of. I’ve messed around with a bad crowd and…boys. Dad raised me to be better, and to think more of myself than where I’ve been keeping company, and where I’ve been.”
“If you’re referring to that cocksucker, Tompkins, then I agree wholeheartedly—he wasn’t fit to even share air in a room with you.”
I laughed softly. “I know. Dad would never have let Denny in the door to look at me, let alone take me on a date.”
“Your dad was a wise man,” Neil said wryly.
“I was in a fair bit of shock back at the pub when you were defending me. I couldn’t work out why you would be so interested…in me.” My voice trailed off into the night time silence.
Neil’s response was to roll me onto my back and kiss me with deep probing strokes of his tongue, almost harsh and desperate in his method to convince me I was worthy. “Have you worked it out now?”
“Not really,” I answered shyly, “but I am so grateful you are…interested.”
“Let me show you something.” He slid open the bedside table and brought out a small object. “Hold out your hand, please.”
I did, and felt him slip a bracelet onto my wrist.
“You kept it all these years?” I asked, feeling like more tears might pour from me if he kept going with the gestures. I held my wrist up so I could get a better look in the poor light. The bracelet I’d handmade for Neil as a good luck charm to keep him safe in the war looked a little battle worn but it was still intact, still with the two owls and the infinity charms I’d put onto it.
“Yes, I kept it all these years. You made it for me. Hell, I wore it as often as I was allowed. It goes everywhere with me.”
I could see the e
vidence of that easily from the texture and colour of the leather. I brought it to my nose for a sniff. I could smell Neil’s scent on this small scrap of leather knots and brass charms, and knew it had lain against his skin.
“I still have mine, too,” I said.
He drew me close into the curve of his arm and rubbed the back of my neck with his fingers. “You know that I think of your brother and mum as family more than my own?”
“They love you, Neil.”
Again I could hear the ache in his voice. Neil didn’t speak of his shitty family life, or how he’d been virtually on his own from far too young of an age. He wasn’t a complainer, so for him to bring it up in a conversation with me felt monumental.
“I love them, too. And you all love me back, Cherry. I don’t need anything more.”
As I lay in the cradle of his arms, I looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom flat and thought about how happy I was in that moment, being cuddled in the bed with Neil and enjoying his soft caresses and slow kisses. Neil and me together.
“Oh my God, we have to tell them about us!”
He laughed. “We can do it tomorrow.”
“Okay then. We will. I can’t wait to see Mum’s reaction.”
“I’m more worried about Ian.” He cupped a hand over his cock. “I’d like to keep this intact.”
It was my turn to laugh at him this time. “I think your prized possession is safe enough.”
“Thank bloody hell.”
“Neil, you’re forgetting the facts.”
“Oh?” He raised a brow at me.
“Yeah, that fact that the Morrison clan claimed you long ago, and we’re never giving you back.”
He liked that. And kissed me for a long time afterward just to show me how much he liked it.
Later, we had an opportunity to talk a little about the others who’d come before. That part wasn’t so nice, but needed to be discussed and I’m glad we did. I didn’t want him under any illusions that I was an untouched virgin. I’d been with a few guys, and most recently Denny Tompkins, and felt he should know the truth. I saw the tightening of Neil’s jaw as I got that off my chest, but still knew it had to be shared. He needed to know. My Denny was his Cora.