Bittersweet She

by Grace Parkes

  2. Lexi is addictive

  Even though she tried her best to forget her, a little gentle reminder of her being pinned up in the bathroom toilets began to imprint in her mind.

  Tasha got herself dressed and ready for the day and headed into work to face the daily grind. Steven had been in touch to let her know he was still at Jack’s and would be back later on, but even if he was eloping with a young, hot 20-year-old model, Tasha wouldn’t mind. It might make the guilt a little easier to swallow.

  Meanwhile, Jaz spent the entire morning on the phone to Sophie, twiddling her bright coloured hair and acting like an excited school girl. Sophie was planning to visit in a few weeks and after a few months they she probably will be moved in. The art of lesbian dating.

  After Tasha spent the entire day at work swaying towards the idea of texting Lexi but having no idea what to text, she decided to bite the bullet and ring her on her way home.

  Lexi didn’t answer.

  Tasha couldn’t understand why this hurt.

  It took until 8pm that night until she received a response. By this time the chores were done, Steven was asleep on the sofa hanging out of his arse and Tasha nearly hit the roof with school girl nerves and excitement as soon as her phone pinged.

  Lexi – Hi, missed call from this number, who’s this?

  Tasha – Hello. It’s Natasha… from Manchester at the weekend. I hope you don’t mind me texting, but I found your number in my clutch bag. Smooth.

  Lexi – Oh, nice to hear from you beautiful Natasha. I never thought you would text me. I thought I might’ve freaked you out. I hope you are well. Maybe we can meet again some time?

  Tasha was smiling from wall to wall with no idea what to say. No idea what was best to do. It wasn’t fair on Steven, but she never felt like this before. Like her inner lesbian had burst out of the closet with a spear in hand and a ravenous mouth ready to bite into Lexi.

  Tasha – I’d like that. I’m free next Saturday

  (Knowing that Steven was away at a friend’s house watching Football)

  Lexi – How about we meet half way? I’ll send you details nearer to the time. Talk soon Natasha x

  Afterwards the feeling soon hit her that she could not carry on lying to Steven, she had to end it with Lexi. It wouldn’t be fair to do this to him. He might be useless, but he doesn’t deserve this. Tonight, wasn’t the right time, but maybe tomorrow.

  For now, she would sleep on it, only to find that as soon as she closed her eyes, all she could think about was Lexi, pulling her close and running her soft fingers up and down her body.

  Chapter 6

  Before she knew it, it was Saturday morning and another dull week had flown by for Tasha. Nothing had happened in regard to her opening up to Steven about her wild, lesbian, Manchester fling. She just carried on as usual, half of the time pretending it never happened and the other half spent fantasizing over the bathroom scenario.

  By 11am Steven was out of the house ready for a day of football, pizza and drinking lager. Tasha cleaned the house from top to bottom, hoping that her control over the housework might help her make sense of her life. It didn’t.

  The clock struck midday and Tasha’s phone pinged.

  Lexi: Birmingham, 5pm today? Dinner is on me. X

  The butterflies were back. Tasha contemplated for a while (Well actually for about 20 seconds. Realising her day looked pretty bleak staying in Wheatford).

  Tasha: I’ll be there. Meet you at Green Lotus. I love it there and the food is great. x

  Lexi: See you soon beautiful. X

  In the blink of an eye Tasha was in the shower, getting dressed and getting ready to get the train to Birmingham. No thought of Steven. No thought of her relationship values. Just the reminiscent waves of memory of Lexi grappling her thighs.

  It was 17:10 at Green Lotus. Tasha was awaiting her mysterious secret love, with a large cocktail and a churning stomach. Thoughts racing through her mind. So many thoughts.

  “Hi Natasha. So lovely you could make it,” Lexi appeared out of nowhere with a beer in hand, tight black jeans showing off her carved thighs, a shirt which was fitted perfectly to her body, black eyeliner which made her eyes cut through your soul. Tasha melting into a pit of confusion.

  “Oh Hello,” Tasha awkwardly stood up and hugged Lexi. Lexi put her arms around her waist and kissed her, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “It’s nice to see you Lexi. Don’t get me wrong, this is all confusing and… I feel so… confused.”

  “It’s okay. I get it. First time you’ve fancied a woman, right? I promise it will get easier,” Lexi very confidently winked.

  They both were sitting in a quirky booth which was filled with fairy lights and unusual lanterns. Lexi sat next to Tasha; the sexual tension was imminent.

  “The thing is… I have to be truthful, I cannot lie to you. I have a boyfriend Lexi. I’m so sorry but I… god, I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Tasha planted her face in her palm not expecting this all to blurt out so soon.

  “Listen, it’s okay Natasha. These things happen. Surely, you’re not that happy. I’m quite an open-minded woman. In fact, I should tell you… I have a girlfriend.”

  A heart tearing, gut punching moment for Tasha. A million thoughts of jealousy, hypocrisy and anger. Why did she care SO much about this woman who she barely knows? How dare Lexi have a girlfriend. The visible change became clear as day in Tasha, as her body language changed, her smile vanished, and she became tense like a metal sheet.

  “I’m joking Natasha,” Lexi laughed, grabbing Tasha and kissing her again.

  “You’re not funny at all. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t feel like that when I do have a boyfriend. Look I need to sort my life out. I can’t continue with you like this, I’m with Steven, it’s not fair.” Tasha became upset and didn’t really want to say these words which were yet again spewing away from her lips without her really knowing.

  Lexi put her arms around Tasha and pulled her into her chest. She stroked her hair and kissed her head. “Come back with me. I can make you happy Natasha. I don’t believe that you are happy with him. Look at you here with me, there is something between us. I know it.”

  Tasha sat up straight, trying to control her emotions. She went to the bar to order them both another drink. On her way back to the booth she looked at Lexi and all of a sudden had forgotten again about Steven and how terrible she felt.

  Lexi felt warm, soothing, calm, beautiful sunset.

  Steven felt like a miserable, dark cold rain on a grey dreary day.

  “Let’s just talk. I want to get to know you. I’m sorry, my emotions got hold of me and like I said, I’m all over the place at the minute.” Tasha passed the drink to Lexi and put her hand on her thigh, squeezing slightly.

  Lexi smiled, drank her beer and began to talk. The two of them stayed in that booth for hours, talking, laughing, getting to know each other. It felt like the ultimate first date. In that moment Tasha felt like she was craving Lexi more than ever.

  As the bar began to get overly busy, the two of them were struggling to hear each other speak.

  “Shall we go somewhere else? I’ve booked a room just 5 minutes away.” Lexi smiled at Tasha, in a way that made her heart skip a beat with excitement.

  This was another moment of short contemplation for Tasha. She knew it was morally wrong, but Lexi felt so morally right.

  “Sure. Let’s go.” Tasha smiled back at Lexi as she grabbed her hand and made their way to the hotel.

  It took them half an hour. Half an hour from being sat in a loud booth in a slightly pretentious quirky cocktail bar, to being completely naked in a hotel without the slightest care in the world.

  Tasha explored every part of Lexi. Every kiss felt like the first. The excitement was pure, real and everything that Tasha felt she had missed all of her life plus more. This really made her question her sexuality. A man never turned her on like this. Maybe it was just the wrong guys, or maybe it was just Lexi. Whatever
it was, it was working.

  They spent hours entwined under the covers, running finger tips over curves, breasts, thighs, lips, tongues, stomach. Tasha had never experienced sex like this before. She felt truly wholesome. Her body felt light, featherless and completely aroused. There was nothing else to think about other than the moment and how gratifying it felt to be wrapped up in the world of Lexi.

  Tasha only began to feel anything else at 8am the next morning when she awoke to twenty missed calls from Steven.

  Chapter 7

  The wild night away with Lexi led Tasha into a world of complexity. Steven was worried sick about Tasha’s disappearance, and Tasha was sick of worrying about the fact she was now a secret lesbian craving a woman who still felt like a surreal dream. The excuse for the disappearing on a Saturday night was largely aimed at Jaz (who had been informed to go along with it if needs be). Tasha explained that she went over to Jaz’s house and just got a little too carried away on the gin, resulting in a heavy night passed out on the sofa. Steven bought this story as it was very similar to his own life choices.

  Living in this life of lies was becoming increasingly difficult for Tasha to manage. Every day felt like another slog, another wave of lies to herself and to everyone around her. Lexi was in contact where possible. The occasional phone calls. Texting under a different name. Invading dreams.

  The week carried on as usual for Tasha. The same shifts, the same shit and the added stress of what-the-hell is happening to my life. Steven was becoming aware of Tasha’s strange moods, he was actually starting to question if something was wrong, which was very out of character for his usual selfish mind. The distance was growing between them. Intimacy was non-existent and they lived like strangers.

  It was Tuesday afternoon and Tasha was in the office as usual. Her personal phone began to ring. It was Steven. Her immediate thought was that Lexi had made her way to Wheatford and the truth was out. It was all over. The End. Or somebody had died. Either way it felt like drama was on its way as Steven never rings, especially during working hours.

  “Hey Love. I just wanted to say I’ve book us a table at Dolce tonight at 7pm. I know you used to love it there so thought we could eat out,” Steven shockingly explained as Tasha felt her throat tighten with anxiety.

  “Oh, okay. Erhm, thank you? I’ve got to go. Bye,” Tasha awkwardly ended the call and began to panic.

  What did he know? It felt like a hoax as Steven struggled to make a decent cup of tea.

  After spending the rest of the day stressing about why Steven was all of a sudden booking dinner out, Tasha decided it would be a nice idea to go along with it so she didn’t have to cook like she does every other night. Steven walked out of the bedroom wearing nice smart clothes, complemented with a groomed beard and new aftershave. Tasha began to feel pits of guilt in her stomach. Steven might’ve been trying to change, but it all felt a little too late.

  They arrived at the restaurant called Dolce which was actually one of Tasha’s favourite places to eat. A beautiful family run business with a great menu full of delicious classics and the most beautiful desserts. Attentive waiters showed them to their table which seemed to be extra romantic and dosed in tealights and petals.

  It had been a long time since the two of them had any kind of meal out together. It almost felt uncomfortable and alien to Tasha. At times her mind would imagine that it was Lexi sat there instead of Steven. Then in a blink of an eye it was reality again.

  “This is nice isn’t it? Just us two, out together,” Steven smiled, gently reminding Tasha of the man she once fell for.

  “It is nice yes. I was surprised by your call today but thank you for arranging it. I do love it here,” Tasha politely responded still feeling strange.

  “It’s okay. Tash, I’ve been thinking you seemed a little strange recently,” Charming observations as always. “And I was thinking maybe this would help. See the thing is, we’ve been together for a while now and well… I do love you,” Steven stood up.

  Tasha began to panic.

  Steven began to kneel down.

  People began to stare.

  Tasha wanted to be sick.

  “Will you… marry me? It’s about time we did it, yeah?” Steven was kneeling down, staring at Tasha with an exposed ring and a large grin on his face. This is what he thought she wanted but he was so wrong. The entire restaurant was staring awaiting Tasha’s big answer. How can you even say no in these situations? This was a real big mess.

  With a pale face and a racing mind, Tasha stared at Steven for what felt like a life time. “Yes,” she murmured.

  Everybody clapped. Steven stood up and kissed her. The ring didn’t fit. Nothing fits. Tasha wanted to world to burst open and suck her into a dark pit of nothingness, so she didn’t have to pretend anymore.

  Chapter 8

  Often people who get engaged are happy about it and cannot wait to celebrate, want to tell everybody and even throw a little party. Not Tasha. In time she began to have conflicting thoughts, thinking that maybe it would get better with Steven and that maybe it would just take time and work. Everybody began to find out because of course Steven told his mother and Wheatford is a small place. They began to receive cards. Visits from Julie expressing her delight of them finally acting like real adults and taking the next step. Tasha had all of her work colleagues congratulate her and wanting to see the ring.

  The only person who didn’t know was Lexi. Not yet anyway.

  Tasha couldn’t face telling her. She thought so highly of Lexi but began to wonder if it was just lust. Lexi would text Tasha throughout the day and ask when they could meet but Tasha had to make excuses to save the drama of actually telling her the truth.

  Home became a strange place. Tasha had previously accepted that her relationship wasn’t great and probably shouldn’t continue, that her house was okay and that she plodded along just fine. Now Steven was asking about engagement parties and wedding planning. He really wanted to get married. He wanted tradition but at the same time wanted to act like a 16-year-old boy having drunken sleepovers and taking no responsibility. As usual though Tasha just went along with him. Her strength was deteriorating, and she was losing her identity. She knew she needed a friend.

  “Jaz, it’s me. Steven’s out tonight can you come over?” Tasha rang Jaz to gain some support.

  Without hesitation Jaz was over with bottles of wine and mandatory chocolate.

  “I’ve got to say it. I really thought you were going to run away into the lesbian dream,” Jaz laughed to herself carefully whilst appreciating Tasha was a woman on the edge.

  “Don’t Jaz. I’ve been confused believe me. I keep thinking me and Steven could be good again, like we used to be you know? I mean surely relationships have ups and downs like this. I can’t believe I’m engaged but also I can’t believe what happened with Lexi.”

  Jaz knew everything that happened. She was the non-judgemental kind but honest friend that you needed in times of trouble.

  “Maybe it was lust, or maybe you missed a chance with the woman of your dreams, either way I’m still excited to sort out a hen party,” Jaz made light of the situation as usual.

  “I haven’t told Lexi about the engagement. I haven’t really called anything off. I’m a shit human being I know,” Tasha frowned into her wine glass.

  “Look it’s okay, we all make mistakes, but I really think you owe it to Lexi to just tell her the truth? I’m sure she will understand,” Jaz topped up the wine. “You’re a good person Tash, you just need to figure yourself out a bit.”

  “I don’t really know how to anymore but thank you. I’ll text her soon. I need to get it off of my mind because this anxiety is building up every day and all Steven talks about is wedding wedding wedding. I should be excited but I’m just not,” Tasha raised her voice aswell as her blood pressure.

  “I know, it’s all confusing but maybe just give it chance. You always used to say you wanted to get married at school. Maybe things will get b
etter,” ever the optimist was Jaz.

  They both drank wine and put the world to rights. Time with Jaz always lightened Tasha’s heavy mind. The night carried on into the early hours of the morning and Jaz decided to get comfy in the spare bedroom. Tasha took herself to bed and stared at her phone. Dutch courage began to set in.

  Tasha: Hey, I hope you’re okay. I’m so sorry Lexi but Steven asked me to marry him and I said yes. It’s so confusing still but all I can say is I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.

  As she lay in bed writing out this message her eyes began to fill up. This was painful. This really hurt. What hurt harder was Lexi’s reply.

  Lexi: Ha right I see. You need to sort yourself out. I’m disappointed Natasha. I thought we had something between us clearly, I was wrong, and you just wanted to fucking mess with me. Don’t bother replying. Good luck.

  The welled-up eyes turned into waves of tears. Tasha felt pain. She also respected Lexi and didn’t reply. This was a pivotal moment in her mind. Now Lexi hated her surely she had nothing else left other than trying to make it work with Steven.

  Tasha turned off her bedside lamp and very dramatically cried herself to sleep. In her dreams she saw Lexi sat beside her bed, then when she woke it was Steven pissing in the wardrobe.

  Chapter 9

  The day had arrived.

  The day of the Wedding.

  A year had passed, and Tasha had no contact with Lexi. Her relationship with Steven was still the same. Her mood was neither happy nor sad. Jaz and Sophie managed to make it work and bought a house in Birmingham. Julie still overstayed her welcome and Tasha still had dreams about her time in her whirlwind lesbian romance. Tasha and Steven decided to have a traditional wedding at the local church, followed by a reception in the Old Barn Hall which was a lovely converted barn that hosted fabulous events.

  “Can you believe it? The day is finally here,” Jaz smiled at Tasha as she was having her hair and makeup done. Tasha had 2 bridesmaids, Jaz and her other friend from school called Sarah who she had grown closer to over the last 7 months.